I went to Carson Denny's' birthday party in Danville two nights ago. And, inside the mind of Becky, this girl from girl from Denny's, it was a date. Unfortunately, on a Popov scale, she's a 0. But her Mitsubishi 3000 GT Twin Turbo isn't! Of course, what did I say when she offered to let me drive it to Danville? "When was the last time you got an oil change?" ? She was like 3000 miles overdue, and she didn't have a stereo, so we took my Focus instead. dumb, but at least I wouldn't have to experience a breakdown with her. Anyway, the party was rad like all off-campus parties that we never go to are; I drank 2 bottles of Trader Joe's wine and actually flirted with other girls! Becky, who drank nothing and just stared at me and made kissy faces all night, drove me home...Now I could have done the smart responsible thing and said "Good Night" but I let her sleep in my bed and we fooled around and stuff. That was definitely a mistake. This girl was more controlling than Darcy. During the party, I was goofing around and having fun; but she kept on throwing herself at me and asking me "what are you thinking?" and "what would you do if I kissed you?" I was thinking "I don't even know you" and "probably not enjoy it very much at all." Alas, I don't know how to shoot people down very well; so I just mumbled something. She said "fine then, go run and hide," and I suppose if I were attracted to her I would have said "B-b-b-but wait!". Instead, I just hung out with the people who were cool instead.

The next morning she asked if I would call and I said "You gave me your number 2 months ago. I haven't called you since then. I would not expect much from me..." Still this did not seem to ring any bells. Perhaps it was because I looked "adorable" when I said it, according to her. Well, fuck you then. Maybe if you paid attention you wouldn't end up getting hurt.

Unfortunately, due to my nature, she will continue to annoy me until I say something cutting and immature.

Over lunch with my supervisors (aka advisers) managed to sum up everything I'd failed to communicate in our friday meeting in a single sentence.

If I prove that markup by PPM is a strict subset of markup by HMM and write code to do the translation then comparing them becomes much easier, since we can run the two systems using the same engine on the same problem with the same settings.

If only I'd had the presence of mind to put it like that on friday.

We had to evacuate the building this afternoon due to a chemical spill. Here is the statement from our CEO:

"The unofficial bits that we heard from the security guy is that the spill was likely ethylene glycol (i.e. antifreeze. I assume it came from the air conditioning). He thought that they wouldn't be reopening the building until late tonight (maybe 10pm), but that it would certainly be open in the morning.

More on this story as it develops..."

What's sad is that this disaster (haha) didn't happen until 3 pm, leading us to get off at 4 pm. It would have been nice for this to have been a morning spill.

Due to Mitchevious's plea for my return, I have decided to start noding again here at Everything2. This, being my first node in months, should be somewhat special and interesting... sorry to disappoint you.

For about a week I've been reading The Bell Jar, by Sylvia Plath. You know a book is truly worth reading when it makes you question your own sanity. What this book has done to me is beyond words. I can relate to the character in several ways. Hopefully I won't have a mental breakdown any time soon.

On a lighter note, I went to see Moulin Rouge today, and it was every bit as good as I thought it would be. The music was excellent, the acting amazing, and the cinematography breathtaking. Definately something I'll be adding to my home collection.

School is almost out. Hooray. My summer will be busy, but the deadlines and stress associated with school will be gone. I'll be stuffing envelopes at my dad's office and doing my AP Language summer reading (which includes of Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer and Washington Square by Henry James).

Right now, though, it's time to study for final exams. Just three more days... three more days.

Today I fell on my face in a pool of coffee and my hand landed in the chocolate-nut brownie I just bought.

I stood there, almost at the top of the stairs and the other patrons just stared, one girl actually dropped her jaw. The coffee was all in my hair and sprayed all over my best jacket. I was frozen but suddenly someone put a wad of napkins in my hand.

"Thanks" I said

"I'm okay, really"

Then quickly cleaned up and ran to the washroom.

I was so disoriented. My boyfriend screamed at me so much this weekend that he lost his voice. We have been together for five years.

This weekend I learned that you shouldn't ask questions to which you do not want answers. I noticed that he had the home and work number of a girl that he used to have a crush on. She knew it and took advantage of his niceness by getting him to drive her everywhere even when it was way out of the way. My friends called her the school "whore" because she was stringing quite a few along like this... getting them to do her assignments while she massaged them etc. So, I asked my boyfriend "why are you staying in contact with her?" And he said "Because, if you die, I want to have someone around. I don't want to be alone."

Instantly, my mind shot to my father, who died of Skin Cancer when I was a child and how my mother never remarried. Conversely, boyfriend was planning a backup before I was even sick! I was so disturbed, I started crying and being irrational.

At this time we were at one of his car meets with his friends waiting for the rain to stop. One of his friends would come to the car and my boyfriend would open the window, stop yelling and start speaking in his nicest voice. Then, he would close the window again and start yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Please, let's go, we need to talk about this!" I entreated.

"Why pass up a free meet?" he asked. He just left the car while I was sobbing. This was a show, so people kept coming by to check out his car, to be shocked by me crying violently in the passenger seat.

"She is too cold" was what he told his friends.

On the ride home, things escalated. He was screaming so loudly. At one point we were on the shoulder of a 6 lane highway with him threatening to jump into traffic. Later he says "sorry" and that "I am just weird" and "it won't happen again" but I have heard it all before. He wants me to help him through this and I want to. This is him at his worst, but 80% of the time he is the sweetest, kindest guy alive.

Did you know that this website is still going to be here like 18 years from now and people will still be able to see this stuff?

Some is boring and some is just embarrassing.

today i lay in the lawn under a blue sky. some white puffy clouds moved overhead, in several layers. birds were flying in the trees above me, some much higher on the wind currents. a couple were so high I could barely make out their wings. i listened to some very peaceful music as i lay there all afternoon and evening. through this i entered a place that was as safe and peaceful a place as possibly imaginable. it was like a deep sea of happenings in front of me. so many things came to mind there, i will be remembering them in the coming days, slowly integrating all of those new experiences into my daily map of the world.

Today I did not do much. I woke up around noon. Puttered around, surfing the net and trying to figure out songs for a few hours. Took my morning shower at 3pm and then napped again at 5. Woke up at 7 or so, am now puttering around until I go to sleep at about 3 or 4am.

I have examined my situation, and I have come to the conclusion that I am still in a depressed or self-loathing mindset. I thought that I had gotten over it, but now that I am not in school, I've been idle and I have allowed myself to slip back into it. The difference is that now this time I am not screaming of attention. I am not inflicting it upon my friends. You might say that this is not true, that I am whining about it here. Actually, I enjoy the sort of "sanctuary" status that day logs have and I am using mine as an online personal journal. No one knows my username, or that I'm even here. The only interaction I get from my writings is a little number besides each of them and soft-links.

As I mentioned, I'm not rubbing others in my situation. I have quitely cut most contact with friends and in fact I am a little saddened that no one has really noticed. But all that shows is that I have not forged any strong relationships. It's a shortcoming on my part.

Damnit. I should be looking at the big picture. I'm a good person. I'm 19 years old. I have a free ride to college. I've been told I'm cute. I have my own car. What am I worried about? Sure. All the things I just said were pretty shallow, but.. I think what matters is that I have lots of possibilities in front of me, and I feel that I am squandering them. Guess I should get off my ass and do it..

Today was the first work day of the summer. Overcast sky and cold breeze kept me from enjoying cigarettes completly.


9AM: Girlfriend calls. Apparently she was worried i would die driving home last night. I blame this on the flu and T.G.I. Friday's. They have crappy food. After she hung up, i lapsed back into sleep several times.

1PM: Finially rolled out of bed. I had that sore feeling that you get after too much sleep. i'm getting more and more worried that my asscheeks will become lopsided if i don't rotate in my sleep.

2PM: Breakfast consists of generic frosted mini-wheats and a Camel light. The coffee was so bad I just dumped it in the sink.

2:30PM: Mother calls from Cafe Luna. Our Oldsmobile blew an internal gasket and won't be driveable for a week. I drove to Luna to pick up mother and grandmother for our family photo session. Mike (photographer) was nice, though i think a bit too friendly twards my grandma.

3PM: Showered for the second time. Left for work.

4-8PM: Tech support for NetNet is becoming tedious. I no longer feel the drive to help the customer, just the desire to get off the phone as fast as possible.

5:30PM: Harbored homicidal feelings for Tina. They went away after i squeezed the stress ball for a minute.

8:30-midnight: A coffee drinking/cigarette smoking marathon at Cafe Espresso. The urination after 8 cups of regular columbian is close to orgasmic.

1AM-3AM: Recieved a good crash course in noding from Mitch and Apatrix. Is it me or does my asshole look bigger now?

projected: 5AM: bedtime.



Spent a weekend in Kuhmo.

Yesterday, in work net was down (changing distributions on a rather tricky place), and in home, I replaced Leafnode with Noffle, played with iptables (okay, so I did it: firewalled myself out from the net, allowed everyone else to access my stuff... Well, it was bound to happen =) and created my first custom chain, got the iptables logging working with that...

...and stuff like that.

More to come, as soon as I wake up properly.


(Oh yeah, I watched Star Wreck episodes 4½ and 5 and the trailer for 6 yesterday. Funniest thing that happened to me this week...)


That's it... spent 5 minutes writing a slashdot comment, Mozilla (0.7) crashed and I wrote a better comment in a minute.

Gee, is my life really boring or what? =(

The positive side: I got paid for the past half month... No need to be Hungry!


Damn, Noffle's article download is FAST! ("sucks" in the positive sense of the word)


Hooray! Printer works! I spent some interesting moments with cdlabelgen, and burned all MP3s I have got from Napster to the CD. (Yes, one CD was enough. Looks like some of the files were corrupt or something. Also, I'm probably too "honest". =)


Woohoo! I found one DVD web shop that had just what I was looking for... I will comment more when (if!) the stuff arrives.

Other day logs o' mine...

Late news: Liisa DBI

Noded today by y.t.: Noffle XCOPY Mad Dog

Updated: BattleMech BattleTech

Well, I may have made a complete ass out of myself tonight when my companion of about 5 months now asked me where I thought our relationship was going. Lord knows being honest has usually hurt me more than helped me. I admitted that I had been rather pragmatic in terms of my emotions because I knew he plans to go to school in Prescott, AZ and I have absolutely no desire to follow him there. Don't get me wrong, I care for him a great deal...I just won't give up Los Angeles for Prescott.

I also talked about how I felt it was important that two people have their separate lives, apart from the life they have togehter. How falling in love doesn't have to be a bolt of lighting. It can be like the gradual swell of a wave, slowly building up before at long last it crashes.

I admitted that I hadn't said "I love you" because in my heart I knew that saying goodbye to him would be so much harder if I did.

Of course, just because I don't say it...

This should definately make the week more eventful than planned. *sigh* What I wouldn't give for a normal love life.

Here's the News for the day as of 12:13pm Central European Time:

International Herald Tribune (www.iht.com)

Rioting Erupts in Nepal Over Palace Massacre
This Himalayan nation got its third king in three days Monday after the death early in the morning of former Crown Prince Dipendra, 29, who held the throne briefly over the weekend while in a coma after reportedly killing most of the royal family and then shooting himself.

Oil Prices Rise as Iraq Halts Bulk of Exports
Iraq suspended nearly all oil exports Monday and insisted it would not resume supplying more than 2 million barrels a day to the world market until the United Nations abandoned a new plan to shore up sanctions against Saddam Hussein's regime.

NEWS ANALYSIS Fabric of Blair Legend Has Frayed
Gallup, the polling organization, found 61 percent of a sampling agreeing with its neat proposition that "Labour isn't up to much, but the Tories don't offer a real alternative."

U.S. Air Traffic Control: Finally, the Overhaul
The Federal Aviation Administration plans to outline a 10-year air traffic control modernization plan Tuesday to squeeze 30 percent more traffic into the commercial aviation system while easing delays and increasing safety by giving pilots better information on weather problems and the location of other aircraft.

It's Our Man vs. One Mean Machine
Across from me sits the most intimidating chess player in the world, perhaps the greatest chess master ever. My adversary is "Deep Fritz," and it is a computer.

As Pentagon Cuts Most China Ties, Some Experts Call It a Mistake
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has cut off virtually all the Pentagon's contacts with the Chinese armed forces in a move that is prompting concern among China experts within the U.S. military establishment.

BBC (http://news.bbc.co.uk)

Nepal moves to quell violence
A 12-hour curfew is reimposed in the Nepalese capital, a day after violent protests followed the coronation of the new king.

Parties target key seats
Battleground seats come to the fore as the UK's election campaign heads for its climax.

Hooligans banned from Greece match
Hundreds of football hooligans are banned from travelling to England's ]World Cup] clash in Athens under new regulations.

Palestinian militants join ceasefire
The Palestinian militant group Hamas joins Fatah in annoucing a conditional ceasefire in an apparent response to a call by Yasser Arafat.

Opec moves to prevent oil crisis
Opec oil ministers gather in Vienna to consider world fuel prices in the wake of Iraq's decision to suspend exports.

The New York Times (www.nytimes.com)

Justices Void Death Sentence For a Retarded Texas Man
The Supreme Court ruled 6 to 3 that jurors in Johnny Paul Penry's case received flawed instructions about how they should consider his retardation.

Natural Gas Prices Remain High in Southern California
To many experts, the woes of California's natural gas market are as profound as those of its electricity market.

Arizonans Urge McCain to Stick With His Own
Republican voters and party leaders in Arizona say Senator John McCain is becoming increasingly isolated from his party.

Quest for AIDS Vaccine Rises From Ashes of Dashed Hopes
While there is still no AIDS vaccine and none is even close, research continues into a preventative that will at least provide some protection against H.I.V.

Britain's Blair: Not Lovable, but Electable
The Labor Party supporters were waiting excitedly for Prime Minister Tony Blair. But the tall man with the pasted-on smile and creepily earnest manner who bounded into view this morning was not the prime minister, but rather Rory Bremner, a television mimic who has made a career of lampooning Mr. Blair as an image-obsessed master of heartfelt political banalities.

Panapress (www.panapress.com/english)

King Mohammed VI pardons 780 prisoners
Rabat, Morocco - King Mohammed VI of Morocco has pardoned 780 prisoners on the eve of the celebration of the Aid Al Mawlid, commemorating the anniversary of the birth of Prophet Mohammed, the Justice Ministry announced Monday.

70 million dollars to help fight Meningitis in Africa
Nairobi, Kenya - Bill and Melinda Foundation, an international Non-Governmental Organisation, has announced a 70 million-US-dollar grant to help eliminate meningitis in sub-Saharan Africa.

Rebel Movement begins disengaging forces
Lusaka, Zambia - The chairman of the Joint Military Commission (JMC) on DR Congo, Brig.-Gen. Njuki Mwaniki confirmed Monday that the rebel Movement for the Liberation of Congo (MLC) has started disengaging its troops some 15-km from the war zone.

Some 17-murder suspects released, two still held
Dar es Salaam, Tanzania - After releasing 17 suspects Monday, the state is still holding two senior leaders of the opposition Civic United Front party (CUF) who are accused of killing a policeman named Haji Muslim Simai during riots which took place in Zanzibar in January.

Police raid Winnie Madikizela-Mandela's home
Johannesburg, South Africa - Police swooped on Winnie Madikizela-Mandela's Soweto home at the weekend in search of documents related to bank fraud.

China Daily (http://www1.chinadaily.com.cn/news/index.html)

AOL to set up US$200m joint venture in China
America Online Inc will unveil a US$200 million joint venture in China with top Chinese computer maker Legend Holdings next week, the Asian Wall Street Journal reported Monday.

Shanghai: Ministers meet, WTO accession talks to continue
A vital meeting between top trade officials from Beijing and Washington ended without clear-cut breakthroughs on Tuesday in Shanghai, but the two sides agreed talks on China's accession to WTO would continue through the week.

FM confirms military exercises opposite Taiwan
Chinese Foreign ministry spokesman Sun Yuxi confirmed on Tuesday that its military forces were conducting drills on an island opposite Taiwan, but said they were routine and had no wider meaning.

Fighting TB: Government steps up
The Chinese Government and the World Health Organization (WHO) are to step up efforts to curb tuberculosis (TB) in China, where millions of people are being infected by the disease every year, officials said.

Nation fosters green farming
China has achieved remarkable success in environmentally friendly farming since the early 1980s when it began developing green agriculture, said ]Zhang Baowen], vice-minister of agriculture. ________________________________________________________________________________

Moscow Times (www.themoscowtimes.com)

India Set To Buy $10Bln In Arms
India and Russia announced they have made large defense deals that include the development of a new jet.

Plans Afoot to Make Center Tourist-Friendly
The Moscow city government has developed a project to create a large pedestrian zone in the city center.

TV6 Undergoes a Major Facelift
Many former NTV staff including Svetlana Sorokina and Yevgeny Kiselyov have moved to Boris Berezovsky's TV6 ...

'Too Little, Too Late' But Berlin Will Pay
Thousands of former Soviet citizens forced into servitude in World War II may be eligible for payouts.

Traffic Accident Scams Prey On the Uninsured
Carefully engineered road accidents where the victim is made to look like the guilty party, are a well-practiced scam that are rearing their ugly head in Moscow.
On this day:
On June 5, 1968, Senator Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated after claiming victory in California's Democratic presidential primary.

A Very Merry Birthday to

Should write at least a little something. After all, I've got a mind to say things, but a mind too tired to attempt getting into anything deep, or researched. If my book doesn't arrive (from Amazon.com) tomorrow, I've got a couple of things to node. Hopefully Node For The Ages type stuff. At least, it is in my eyes. But I've got a few things I want to do. A couple things I want to say to you, reader. Right now.

I want to be able to comfort my aunt Angel, who's going to die because her hepatitis C cannot be treated. Or something like that. I don't claim to know what's going on with her. She's been taking these herbal body cleansing] things that make her feel excellent, apparently. I wanted to tell her, "Angel, look. I know you can't get that new wonder drug test list thingie - but you've got to fight now. Being a stick in the mud, and giving up will allow the disease to run rampant. Well, you've got to fight. I'll help in whatever capacity I can. We're all going to fight."

I think what I want to do is sit down with everyone - being my mother, her boyfriend, my daughter (who's just a baby, but still. Want her there for emotional support; those who have kids know what I'm talking about), daughter's mother, aunt, and uncle. I want to tell them all my thoughts. I want to tell them that I'm phenomenally sick of this pansy-ass run-about shit I see them doing. They aren't being as active about them helping themselves as they should.

I'll explain in short, as best I can. Angel has Hep C. It's in its dangerous stages, in which it becomes very, very dangerous. She's in what doctors say is the six-months-left-to-live zone. But I don't believe that.
My mother had kidney cancer, but it was removed in its primary stages, and thus, even though it has a high probability of returning, she has a pretty decent chance of it not returning. She is also bipolar (like Angel and myself), which does nothing to help things. Anyway, mom's been getting these migraine headaches and hallucinations (which are not funny. There is nothing funny about seeing a cat jump across you that you know isn't there), and she's been showing signs of both psychopathic behaviour and schizophrenia. Now, I know that both these situations are rather dire. I know that it can happen that a time comes in which it becomes impossible to help or change the course of an ailment. But at the same time, I think, I'm going to make a difference.

And honestly, I'd like to be able to chalk it all up and blame it on the lifestyles they had, coming from a family in which there was major, harsh sexual abuse, causing the bipolar disorder and various issues with the female reproductive system. The hepatitis can be chalked up to drug use, perhaps, or blood transfusions. But it seems that she just "got" it, which seems rather unlikely.

I'd like to be able to blame those things. I can't. I can't blame anyone, which in fact creates a bizarre peace within me. I've researched and researched these things, but my researching skills are lacking, admittedly. I'm a bright guy, but my reading comprehension and other suchlike things are lacking. I refuse to believe, that in both these ladies' situations, that there are dead ends to be had. I don't believe in the dead and. Sure, in the Sylvia Plath sense, in the Buddhist sense, I know there is an end to all life, that we will all eventually die and go to Heaven, or come back in a new form, or transmigrate, or transcend, or transfigure, or whatever. I believe in the dark sanctity of death and the peace it brings, but I refuse to believe that there is some "greater good" at work who robs us of those who teach us, those who change our lives with every word they say. It will happen to all of us, I know, we will all die. However, I also believe in the essential validity of love, and that humans are resilient, communal beings, that often need said communion more than we've been taught to think, or believe. It's fair to assume we owe it to our loved ones to aid them in all capacities possible.

And Everything2, believe it or not, is a brilliant medium for such things. So, I have a proposal to make. While I don't believe a writeup like this one merits being titled, in the context that it constitutes an "essay," or a "thesis," or anything like that: from a format standpoint, it's nothing. A chain of linear thoughts jumping about randomly. But I'll admit I'm going to break the usual formats that happen here in E2. I ask for an Everything Quest-like item. Remember those? Though out of vogue. Here is the difference: this has nothing to do with XP, or GTKY, Noding for Numbers. Node For The Ages is an exception; perhaps this is the penultimate Node of the Ages. it has to do with those you love, keeping them alive, keeping them here, so you don't have to resort to memories and the cold way in which memories fade away. To nothing.

Tell your friends about this node. Then, tell them about the node you wrote on the subject you chose. Get them to read all related in this fashion, though I believe everyone should be reading everyone's nodes in the first place (it's what they're there for, after all). That way, we can all get in on what I propose below. Frankly, I don't give a shit if you upvote this, downvote this or what. I doubt that in this circumstance it matters. As I said, XP is irrelevant. (Sidenote: Upvote this if you think it's good. Downvote if bad. Format/spelling/syntax/grammar/punctuation wise, anyway)

What I propose is for everyone to think of those experiences analagous and surrounding the one I just spoke of (in your lives) - the strange instances in which our family members die, or will die, or are dying - and catalogue them. Not just the story in your life akin to the one I just spoke of. I'm talking about the things you learned meanwhile. If your situation was anything like mine is - and I presume to know absolutely nothing about your life and your experiences...come to think of it, that's the basic point of what I'm talking about - you'd probably had talks with your relative/friend/lover. You probably talked at great length with your person about what their ailment did to them, how they are now, and most importantly, how to cope. And come to think of it, maybe that's what this should be called: HOWTO: Cope.

Anyway, I hope I've made some sense during all this. I just want my mother and my aunt back. They're the only ones who've loved me during my life. And I don't want to lose them. At least, not yet. Not until it's time. And friends, we all will know when the time is; to think otherwise is stupid. Unwise, even.

Okay, so in short form: Let's find out what's killing, or has killed, those we love. That's the quest I want to send you on. I know I'm not much, that I'm being very personal, but I'm not being opinionated, not really, and I feel that we owe it all to ourselves to try a little harder. Thank you very much for reading this, I'll let you get back to a day's noding without further ado. Good day, good night, happy noding. It's like I told a friend once about life, after I'd gotten off chemical:

The ride's kinda bumpy. But the sights are pretty cool.

2:00 am - Monday

Just getting back into Nashville from Ohio, and dropping off the rest of my clan, I head straight for my bed, and pass out. The drive was long, and I became easily agitated throughout it.

10:00 am - Monday

I wake up, shower, do all of the odds and ends of self-cleansing, and head for work. Work is long and boring, yet extremely busy at the same time, for all that I had done before I left, had decided to break while I was gone. Needless to say I was not a happy camper while at work.

9:45 pm - Monday

Being back in Nashville, I head out to my usual night spot, cafe coco. I get there, see the same people, have the same conversations, and drink the same drinks. All seems to be back to normal. I miss the Ohio bunch. I miss hangin out at zot's place, drinking frosty beverages, watching Rocky in the living room, and everything else about the trip. I need a way to feel good like I did there.

12something am - Tuesday

Sitting on the back porch with Jay, Ashley, and Ed, I watch a couple Young ladies back into a white Honda, notice it, and attempt to drive off. Ed runs them down, and attempts to find the owner of this vehicle, which is the guy who runs the body art shop upstairs. Although he's cool with it, both he and the girls are appreciative of the fact that they were informed. During the conversation between Ed and the shop owner after the girls left, Ed mentions that he would like to buy that little white Honda they just hit, whenever it's up for sale.

Mind you, Ed has no car at this point.

I thought for a bit, and realized that I have an abandoned vehicle behind my house that needs to dissapear. I inform Ed that I would be more than happy to give him this vehichle, should he want it, and indeed he does. Watching someone's mood shift from 'okay' to 'excellent!' because of a few words from your mouth, really feels good.

1:30 am - Tuesday

Ed and I pile into my car and head over to take a look at the vehichle that I'm giving him. It's a black Ford Thunderbird, in pretty damn good shape. It's going to require almost all of it's fluids to be replaced, probally new tires, a new battery, and some elbow grease, but It does run. At this point, my friend is ecstatic. On the drive back, he is practically glowing with excitement. I smile.

3:40 am - Tuesday

After staying up way past my bedtime I head home. This evening has turned out to be a great evening. The storm that had been threatning had subsided, I made someone's day, possibly week/month/whatever, and made myself feel good in the process. I had a wonderful trip this weekend, and met lots of great people*. If I could hit rewind, I'd do it all over again.

* - others include: JessicaPierce, stand/alone/bitch, Becca, Andara, Brainwave, dem_bones, iDeath (whom I mistook for girlface due to the misrepresnting sticker incident), Pyrogenic, Mordel, Morgon77, and many, many more.
I hit a girl

Not today, it's a long time ago (a year at least). But it's been coming back to me these days. I was at a party at a friend's house. Well, "house"... It's called "The Hole", cause it is a hole. It's falling apart.

Anyway, I'd had a lot to drink. There was a girl there, whom I instantly hated. From the minute I saw her. She had the correct mix of being annoying and wanting to talk to me. I would try to ignore her. She was also a feminist.

Now, I have nothing at all against feminists. equality is a great cause. But this one, she was just pissing me off. Not being able to ignore her (she kept going), we'd come to the topic of women being as strong as men. She would brag about how she could take a beating and not feel it. Literally telling me to hit her.

I refused. Said, "I won't hit a girl, even if she hits me". That didn't seem to put her off, she actually did hit me in the face. I was pissed and drunk, so I slapped her.

The room went silent. If I could, I would have looked at myself too. Then she laughed and said she had wanted me to hit her. I was puzzled and I think I hated her even more, then.

I'm pretty sure this is the single thing I'm the least proud of, and


Sure, downvote me. I'm a bad person.

I'm going to yoga tonight - I couldn't go last night, I was feeling really wretched like there was no blood in my body. Love having a second period in a month, what fun. Bleah.

I actually am missing yoga!! I only did it once last week. It really makes me feel - alive, centered, I think. I got there early last week (thought class started half an hour earlier, not cause I wanted to!) and the teacher gave a sales spiel for aikido. Aikido looks pretty intriguing - I'm not going to act on it right now, although I do want to learn self defense, I am not going to take on two new physical regimens!!! That would be overkill and I'd give up in a few weeks, I'm sure. Maybe next year. We'll see.

Work sucks - too much of it and I couldn't care less. I wish I could find a job that paid a little more that was much more interesting. My boss's boss says I'm definitely going to Honduras, so I hope I get some idea about what I'm going to teach before I get there! That will be VERY interesting, I'm sure. I had to go apply for my passport today - I'll get it Friday, so that's cool.

Jodi's graduation is tomorrow, and John starts his final exams Friday. Bought some yard baby animals for my art car last night - they're so cute, they make you want to puke. Perfect.

What else? My therapist is so good - she's very supportive. I don't think I have any more transference about her. I'm learning to not please others so much any more. At least, I can see it a little clearer now. It takes less time to realize that's what I'm doing. She wants me to spend more time alone, in a calm space, so I can be open to what's going on inside - and she's absolutely right. So I'm trying to set aside some routine times during the week to do that, and some little times every day. Hard to do - I think I am going to have to get up earlier and do yoga or walking in the morning, cause I get tied up with driving around in the evening, you know, running errands, giving rides, etc. and there will be more of that with my son's class starting (yesterday) and my daughter possibly coming home for a while.

I saw my mother yesterday. Interesting conversation. I told her about me. It went very well. I wasn't going to tell her, but a few months ago I had dropped the hint that I had a personality disorder. So I just told her. I'm fine, she was in a very upbeat mood, she's made a new friend, just got back from a week in Atlantic City gambling; it went far better than I expected.

In which Ouroboros demonstrates that he is an insensitive shite.

CUE MUSIC: Shake the Disease from Depeche Mode

It’s going to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it. This much I know is true, because already the beast is slouching towards Bethlehem, or rather Singapore. And it’s the slouching that is the problem: she isn’t moving fast enough. Not that I've got anything against Singapore. Let me fill you in ...

A year ago in March, one of my housemates (the problem housemate) graduated from art school with an MA in video art. Plateaus of opportunity were open before her; she applied to and was offered a job teaching film history at Singapore University. Summer came and went, she put new shingles on a neighbor’s house to get by. Autumn began and I thought that this silent rejection was perhaps a cruel joke, but did not know who had perpetrated it upon whom. Winter occurs, she gets a new communication, informing her that the work for her visa was beginning, the term of employment would start in late June 2001.

So here we are, June 5, 2001. The house has already negotiated the room exchanges that will occur once she leaves; and discussed, contacted, and accepted an application for someone to take her place. She has even bought an airline ticket and arranged for transportation to LAX. But now she is starving herself and not drinking water, making herself too dizzy to walk and driving up her blood pressure. I am convinced that she is pretending to be sick, it is something that she has done before. We have not been able to substantiate that she actually has any of the diseases she has hinted at having. Even so, I am expecting her to play the cancer card. Or come up with something else.

I may be jumping at shadows, expecting her to quietly inform each of us that she is too sick to go to Singapore. Perhaps she will even find an excuse in the certificate of health.

I may be an insensitive asshole, but if it comes right down to it, I want her out of the house, this month. It could split a couple of the long standing friendships between the seven of us and thereby burn the house down. However, it has not been anyone’s beautiful house for the past 2 years on account of her arch presence and ill-defined sicknesses.

Rhapsody in Screwed :: Part VIII
(Balls of Steel!)
06.05.01 :: 14:17

"she came on like a storm from the blind side of a memory..."

ok, i did some incredibly stupid shit last night. the first of my two brass balls exploits began like this: you see, i have this friend, and his housemate hates the idea of me. she can't hate me, she doesn't know me (and i'd like to keep it that way), but i don't think she likes the thought that i exist. so, i tried to call said friend last night, and he was not home but she was. so i pulled several great sentences out of my ass, and left a message. "yes," i said, "i'm calling from groundLine industries, regarding some equipment of ours he's interested in." (not entirely untrue, i was, and he is, but the two are not related.) i left my phone number as an office number, and a name he would recognise, but she wouldn't, and i did the whole thing in a light irish accent. all very clean and very proffessional.

"do not to be freezing the lizard, thank you!"

the second brass ball was earned by walking three miles through a not so great neighbourhood to the convenience store where niall works. unfortunately, several *other* friends of ours showed up during the night, and they now expect the worst. especially my older brother. i was sitting on a wicker stool by the counter, telling stories of my former roommate, who used to kick bums, when in walks my older brother... "what are you doing here?" he asks, looking horrified and surprised. i point at niall: "what does it look like i'm doing here?" and niall looks smug and says, "i have friends too, you know." and my brother just keeps staring at me, and says, "no you don't." and then niall and i looked smugly at each other, and my brother looked nauseous, bought smokes, and left. i think that was the best one.

"questi ne porta il foco inver' la luna..."

so i decided to read a bit of a love poem in front of the class today, as our professor was looking for volunteers, and i have a reasonable voice, when i haven't been eating green chile hashbrowns. unfortunately, between the green chile and the thick portuguese accent i get after listening to that professor for an hour, i'm sure i sounded atrocious. however, i was good enough to gain the attention of a boy who turns out to be a friend of a friend. very short guy with feet smaller than mine. i'm tempted to introduce him to niall and resurrect the portable curmudgeons' society. the original collection was a small group of small cynics i used to go to school with. we dropped the 'portable' when we accepted a member who was 6'3".

so after this fascinating boy had induced me to be late for werk, i got in and checked my mail, and i found...a letter from jerrett!! /me does a happy dance!! at last! confirmation that i am not being ignored, or worse, not heard from!

well, i guess i'll go revel in my mail and my ice water now.

Do you know who your friends are?
I know who mine are. It took a lot of weeding out, but I have a fair idea. I think I'm lucky that the list is as long as it is. And I think I finally know where my loyalty belongs. Finally.

A real friend is someone who goes out of their way for you even when it demands more than they can really give. A friend is also someone who you want to be able to give the same stability, no matter how hard you have to scrape to muster up the energy. Yeah, simple. Simple to say, not simple to do. And it should be no other way.

I got a phonecall late last night, while I was literally hiding out with Satyr. I spoke with my father-in-law a few hours before, and it really had me thinking. Big Frank and I really are close. We've been the ones to keep more in touch than Debbie and I. She's busy, really stressed and concentrated on her job. Sounds familiar. He is completely the other side of a father figure for me, and I respect him a great deal no matter what. He's my buddy, my comrade. And it hurts me to know that his feelings have been so hurt. Not that he'd admit it, no, no. You would more likely hear the old saying, "Forget about it." than bitching. He wants so much for all of this business to work out, but none of us really see how it can. None of us. That side of the family or mine. Mine is angry, their's is sad. And oh God, I wanted to wail when he said he missed me so much, loved me, worried about me, that he just wanted me to be happy, move out there.....whatever it took. Because "one thing had nothing to do with the other". I guess it really sank in that they're my family too, regardless of what I am to their son. And I bawled from the grief and relief at the same time when I hung up the receiver. Bittersweetness of weight being lifted.

I think I'll relate what I wrote in my journal last night, and maybe then take the time to explain it. I don't think I have any other way to break into these thoughts.
"Frank has systematically pushed both his family and me away. It's to the breaking point where it's no longer "What do you want?", but "This is what you get". I can hear the exhaustion in their voices when I talk to them. They're just as tired as I am and just as resolved. There are only so many times you can run yourself into a brick wall before you just want to walk in the either direction.
"Grimley called tonight - but the line was silent when I answered it. And I was thankful at least for this chance to pause before things rushed forward again. I needed time to reflect on what was going to be cut off before concentrating on anything that might be sewn on. I was not expecting a call from him, not now, not this soon. Perhaps he knew it was too soon as well, or just not appropriate. I won't play at knowing what the future holds, I just know it's going to be a direction similiar to this one. New people, new chances, maybe something real this time. Or maybe not. But I have to take other risks somewhere down the line. There has to be something real somewhere that fits me...I keep hoping.
"Am I angry? No, not really. Not anymore. Why should I be? I took this on myself, and it didn't work. So I will pay the consequences. I can't fix Frank. He is twisted and broken beyond all recognition. And I was beginning to look the same. He will never let me -just me- touch him. 'Specially not his soul. I think he enjoys making me the bad guy. I think he picked me because I always wanted to believe him - and I actually wanted to be tricked instead of facing the truth. And when I didn't believe anymore.....he just shrank pathetically, into something I would not want to be, and in the end, I cannot be.
"Now, I love my family. That means the parents who adopted me, all 7-8 half-siblings, my aunt, my cousins. I dearly love all of my in-laws. This isn't their fault, they were just as hurt as I was. I love my Kash, Bear, Satyr, Cammie.......the list goes on for people I know are my friends no matter what I drag home with me in the hopes that I can heal them and make them fly.
"But him? I put him above all others. I lied, cheated, stole - just to keep up with him, just to be with him. Am I proud of myself? Hell no!

"So, the question is, do I still love him? Sure - like I could stop that once it started. I would love him like any member of my family that has consistantly let me down. Family: You have to love them, but you don't have to like them. Could it ever be the same? Never. Is a friendship possible? We were trying that. He stood me up as if we were dating. I don't tolerate that shit in anyone else, why does he think he's any different? He used to be. He is not anymore, and that is not for a lack of my trying. I have some vague shell of a friendship with him, if you can even call it that. He does nothing to better the situation, so it is obvious he still can not give back to anyone without feeding his own motives.
"Do I want to stay married to him? I ask you something...- would you? Doubtful, man, doubtful even without knowing the whole story. That means both sides, his and mine. But no, I can't say I do. I know both sides, this is my story too, remember?
"So logically, what would someone do in my situation? How about totally hang it up? Say it was fun- well, not very- how about exciting? to think we at least had a chance at something so great. We were lucky to be able to take that gamble together, even if we never did share much during that time. A gamble on something as tangible but elusive as love, no matter what an ugly creature it turned out to be in the end.
"I will always love him, I can't help that. I will just have to learn to forgive myself for it somewhere down the line.
"Remove him like a cancer I have to. I have to. I have never met someone so selfish, so clueless to real human nature, so insincere, so conniving, so stricken with self-pity, so sinister, so stubborn, so disloyal, so unforgiving. And I married him, completely aware of what and who he is! How dumb am I? But I thought I had good intentions, and that they would somehow miraculously turn him around. Yet again, I am an idiot.
"So remove him I will. Replace him? Never. Recover from him? I have my fingers crossed- at least recover enough from this to move on. Find some happiness without him? That shouldn't be that hard, anything is up from here. But unfortunately there are those little loud parts of me that scream......'not without him! Never without him!' And those parts make me sick. They are much more quiet these days, thankfully. But still, it has to go up from here. It just has to.
"Strengthen him, bless him, pity him. He's the one who's gonna need it. Not me. I've already survived him how many times? But I cannot say for sure that he will survive me. Maybe just by saying that, he will. Excellent, I wish him every bit of luck in the world, because I think he's going to need it.
"Oh shut up, already! You made your bed, so you'd better get used to sleeping in it. And I will sleep in mine. Like I've said before, I didn't think this thing has a reverse. I think I was right.
"Ah Bubby, Bubby, Bubby. You're the biggest fuckin' idiot I think I've ever met. Dammit, you were so brilliant."

No more hiding behind handles. No more 'maybe's. No more, 'let's try to make this work'. No more beating around the goddamn bush. It's relentless, it's ridiculous, and it puts a serious damper on my sense of humor and both of our senses of what's right and wrong. No more one-up-manship, no more mind games, no more trying to fix it. Leave it alone! It's fuckin' broken!

Your ability to breathe has nothing to do with me, so stop playing at that. I thought you would be content to be friends, but whatever. We have hurt too many people by our actions, not even discussing what we've done to each other. Have you not seen the trail left behind us? Ugh. Let's just get it over with already! Just get on with it so we can let other people in. 'Cause we aint ever gonna let each other in again, I know you agree.

I also want to let this place go. It's a ridiculously strong link that doesn't need to be here. I have other places to put my efforts, and it was yours before mine. Happy hunting, it's fertile ground. Me? I will take care of the family. Your side will be waiting for you when you get out of your snit, I'm sure.
Funny how the only thing we have to divide is Everything2. And baby, you can have it. Oh boy, can you have it. My predecessor has the belief that nothing's trivial. I, on the other hand, do not agree. I believe everything's trivial if you don't know what's important. May I be the first of either one of us to realize what is important.

Us, I can't fix. Everything else? No problem.
My friends know where to find me.

Before I close with this node, I would like to remind all of you to eat your loved ones before they eat you, to remember no boogieman is uglier than our own psyches, to cherish those fleeting moments of happiness for they do not have instant replay, to dance nekkid with knickers on your heads because idiocy makes the heart grow fonder, and to never, ever, ever let the bitterness win. It's been a pleasure playing with you all.

This is windigo .... signing off......


This is a bee-yoot-if-full example of the bullshit that has pretty much continued all the way up until this point. Until Burning Man, the Iacovinos and I were still being hand fed whatever Frank could come up with to give us. I was under the assumption that he really did want to give everything a go again, and his parents were keeping their fingers crossed that what he was telling them was the truth this time.
Not so and not to be. When all hell broke loose two weeks ago, Debbie (his mom) was in Maryland visiting friends, had been trying to contact Frank to know he was all right, and still after little things like the Pentagon blowing up, you know, nothing to really worry about......(sarcasm, big in NY in the 1920's.....never really caught on.), he still remained unreachable. My mom, (who REALLY hates him) was calling his cell phone to make sure, for MY sake, that he was safe. Nothing. Nadda por nadda. He called his grandfather in Tucson, that's the only way we knew he was all right.
What do you mean he's never paid a dime on the Camry? What do you mean there's been investigators in AZ looking for the damn car? What do you mean he hasn't called you either? The list, as is usual knarph style, goes on and on.
So I drove into Deland last Thursday, right down the street, LITERALLY from ACR, where knarph used to work, and finally sat down with an attorney. The papers are getting drawn up tonight, I sign in the morning, and if all goes well, we're both as free as birds come Friday. Yup, in Florida, when you don't like someone, you can get things to happen pretty quickly. And the funny thing is, he acts as if this were MY fault! Reap what you sow, you know?
But on the lighter side of things, there is such things as forgiveness. And an old part of my life has forgiven me, so I'm sure I will forgive. I have the best friends and family in the world to get through this with, and I couldn't ask for more.
And I found someone I thought I had lost years ago. I thought I had lost them forever. It feels good to know someone hadn't forgotten about me either....even over the years, two marriages, and a lot of miles. I think I'm finally getting that second chance I dreamed about, it's come at a really weird time, but it's worth making room for.

Life is pretty fuckin' good right now....but that can't be. It's just so damn easy....there has to be something wrong here somewhere....family's good, friends are good, finances are getting caught up, art is flowing, love life is fairytale BIZ-ARRE....I'm so used to pitfalls...I know there's gotta be one here somewhere. Or maybe not. And maybe the last four years'll just melt away like a dream. Hmm....Damn. This is beautiful!

I have been thinking about some things today, and I feel the need to jot them down somewhere. Perhaps later coherence will sink in. Perhaps not.

About a week ago I finished Pirsig's Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenence, since then my mind has been on something of a metaphysical bender. The day before yesterday, the interrelatedness of intelligence, individuality and information struck me.

The three concepts, and the gut feeling that there was some relationship between them, had been floating around in my head all throughout the class. To pass time I did some rough sketchy definitions of the three:

I saw information as the manipulation of a priori and a posteriori (see: Immanuel Kant) concepts in a rational fashion to produce an end-product. For example, that day I saw a Van Gogh painting. I asked myself, "What is it that makes this painting so profound?" I concluded there must be some form of information lurking in that painting. Not just the obvious "This is a Van Gogh," or, "This is a painting," information, either. No, there is much more. Emotions, even ideas have been expressed in paintings. Yet, they are not explicit properties. In other words, there are no "emotion" or "idea" molecules floating around in the paint or the paintbrush. Therefore, it must be that Van Gogh's painting relies in part on the knowledge (a priori) of the subject, in relationship to the experience (a posteriori) of the painting itself. So far, So good, So what?

From here, my mind began to wander a little bit. I felt compelled to ask, "Well, how do I know this is a Van Gogh? How do I know it's not just paint that randomly fell onto some canvas somewhere?" This was where the first interrelatedness came from. Obviously, I knew this was a Van Gogh for some complex reasons, but, in abstraction, I knew this was a painting because it conveyed an intelligent design. That's what I had been looking at. This brought me to asking, "How do I know if this painting has intelligent design?"--I was cut short here, as coffee break was over and the teacher wouldn't take too kindly to me staring at a painting for the next few hours.

Some time before this, I was thinking about the imaginary line between "order" and "chaos". At first, I was puzzled at how we can draw lines between what is orderly, what is, in some ways, "intelligent," and what is chaotic, what is just line noise. I had used another analogy from Art, that of Jackson Pollock. If a Pollock painting landed on, say, Mars, and Martians poked it and smelt it and puzzled over it, they would probably be no closer to figuring out it was a painting, or anything that Pollock had meant to convey through it. In effect, I had thought tht the orderliness of Pollock's painting was only evident in the eyes of a Pollock-educated observer. This was something Hofstadter had said before; again, So What? I began to get some grandiose visions about trying to develop a universal orderliness translator capable of sorting out what really is noise and what we just don't quite grasp. I started thinking I should go checkout some books on P vs. NP Problems and artificial intelligence and then go crazy in Montana figuring it all out. Then I stumbled upon the idea that chaos really didn't exist, but was just a word thrown around for everything we don't understand, and so, my house of cards crumbled.

--In observing the line between intelligent and unintelligent I seemed to be right at the same point again, only with different, less defined words. After class I thought more about intelligence and proceeded to try to define what properties, imbued in an object or concept, convey intelligent design. I concluded that intelligent design was what we see when reason and rationlity are used as organizers. Both Van Gogh's and Pollock's paintings conveyed intelligent design because, at some underlying level, they were applying the laws of reason to information. This sounds very familiar. In fact, it sounds a lot lke what I said information was. In the words of Larry Wall: I was either onto something, or on something. I was leaning towards the latter...

This also sounds a lot like something Pirsig had said. He mentioned Poincare, and his ideas about aesthetics and how we all have built-in subliminal "feelers" that go out and recognize what is aesthetically pleasing. In Pirsig's case, he was describing how these subliminal feelers recognize what appears to be designed by reason. Ding-dong. Bells started ringing, since Pirsig had written his whole damn book on reason.

The last bit I mentioned, individuality, came very easily. I had been thinking about something Hofstadter had mentioned aways back. About how individual self-subsystems of the mind can duplicate subsystems that are note innate to the "individual" owner of the mind. Hofstadter uses the analogy of how he can anticipate the responses a close friend might have, even in hypothetical situations. Hofstadter goes on to show how this may be because he actually has a smaller variant of his friend's mind in his head. This proposition of multiple intelligences within the mind of one individual led me to ask, "Where do we draw the line between 'I' and 'you'?" In other words, if we can both share the same self-subsystems, how do we deliniate individuality amongst us? Following Pirsig's analogies about reason, we come to point where he and Poincare define a divergence of reasoning. A Non-Euclidean line in the sand. In a haze, this made sense. The difference between individuals doesn't lie in their Hofstadterian subsystems, it lies in their Poincare intelligence-feelers. In less mumbo-jumboey speak: Individuals are not distinct by what their heads contain, but rather, by how their heads comprehend things.

Whee. Now, to today, I had gone to Jack in the Box to get some McFood. I had been bored, listening to Thelonious Monk and waiting for my number to be called when I gazed at the floor. The floor was tiled in a simple, geometric pattern. Because of that geoemtric pattern it harked me back to my ramblings on Non-Euclidean rationality, at which point, I was struck with a something. I could tell this tile was of intelligent design, according to my own definition, because it was designed in adherence to certain Euclidean geometric laws. 360 degrees to a square. Perpindicular lines bisecting the square into quadrants meet at a parallelogram where each angle is bisected by each line--blah, blah, blah. What was interesting, was how this intelligent design could be totally inobservable from a wholly different vantage point. Were I a nanobot, looking at this tile would infer nothing about geometry at all. Intelligent design of that sort would be something, quite literally, beyond my grasp. I wondered, "How far can intelligent design, and, therefore, reason, be quantified?" This sounds familiar yet again, infact, it sounds very much like what I said about Pollock and Martians. The main difference here being that, instead of our Poincare reasoning-feelers being different, our physical perspectives of things were different.

On the walk back home, to the tune of Criss-Cross, I started getting some whacky ideas about the general relativity/quantum mechanics incongruity and its relationship to the capability of reason to be quantified. But at that point I knew I was departing from the world of regular mumbo-jumbo and into the world of innane, New Ager mumbo-jumbo. Then I came back home, ate the McFood and wrote this up.

Since all of this was just spurred by reading a book, and because all of this seems to be running in circles I am rather sure I'm just making up mumbo-jumbo. But, like I said, I felt compelled to write it down. And, if nothing else, it has made for good mental exercise.

Nothing like an crisis to make you appreciate the things you've got.

Headed home for lunch today. I walked in..and the first odd thing was that the dog was in the garage. My dog is usually in the house itself, but it wasn't all that odd. But then......as i walked into the dining room...my son's guinea pig's cage was tipped over. Shavings were all over the floor, the cage was scattered about, the top had burst off, and Rusty Pig was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly it all made sense..and I didn't like the sense it was making. My dog has been uncomfortably interested in the Pig ever since we've gotten it. I usually lock the dog in my bedroom, but today I'd left in a rush and let him roam the entire house. I felt sick.

I searched the house, looking for blood stains or guinea pig hair, body parts, anything that would tell me what had become of Rusty. I looked in the freezer, knowing that my husband would have preserved the body for a proper burial later. I found nothing. I drove by the two veternarian offices in town. My husbands truck wasn't at either of them. I just knew Rusty was dead.

I went back home and began to clean up the mess. I was scared and sad and worried about telling my son about the demise of his pet. I loved Rusty too. She sat on my shoulder, sheltered by my hair while I played games or noded on the computer. She would rub her nose against my cheek and chirp softly. I started to cry. I ended up cleaning the entire dining room and living room to keep myself busy. I called work and told them I wouldn't be back, that we had a family emergency.

Then...my husband pulled into the driveway. He got out of the truck carrying a small box. Was this the box we were going to use as a coffin? Had he taken Rusty to the vet to have her put out of her misery? My heart in my throat, I asked him if she had made it. "She should be ok" was his answer. I ran to him and took the tiny box, opening it while listening to his story. Rusty was there, shaken up and bruised, but alive..and sure to recover. I sat down, put Rusty on my shoulder and cried.

When my kids came home, we all talked and petted Rusty. We got out the hamster and fed both of them outrageous amounts of lettuce. We went for ice cream. I'm glad Rusty didn't die.

Today's Lesson:

No knife needed for toothbrushing.

I had a nap this evening. I suppose I was quite tired becuase after an hour the alarm went off and i was still very tired. I laid in bed for another half hour. Then I kind of rolled and stumbled out.
If I had slept any longer I'd be a wreck. My sleeping schedule would be all over the place.

So I got up. I felt pretty groggy.
So I went to the bathroom to wake my self up.

I splashed cold water on my face.
No reaction.
I peed.
No reaction.

So maybe brushing my teeth would perk me up. Mint sounds refreshing.
So I reached over and picked up the toothpaste.
I opened the cap and looked at the tube.
Then I looked over at my toothbrush.

"How do I get the toothpaste from the tube onto the brush?" I thought, "Can I spread it on with a knife?"

-- At this point I did not have my glasses on, and I am very near sighted. --

I glanced in the drawer but no knives were there.
I looked to the tube for help. But it had gone all blury.
I groaned.
"I really want to be fresh and awake."

As I groaned I squeezed the tube slightly.
It all came back to me.
Just sqeeze it on there.

So I brushed my teeth. But the water in the tap was HOT. Not refreshing at all.
I tried slapping myself in the face.
That didn't work either.

It's an ongoing project.

Once there was a little princess who lost her sanity, her money and her comprehension of reality.

3 jobs
No money
No sane thoughts
No time for friends, family or her knight

I need a break, a moment to breath, I need to figure out if my sanity is lost or merely misplaced...

Boy, this node is so short, I don't even have energy to bitch.

Two encounters with Christianity

The first was this afternoon. After leaving work I walked down to Courthouse Square to catch my bus. It would be about 20 minutes until it came, so I sat down to wait. I noticed three women handing out tracts. I thought "ok, that's cool" and then went back to my random thoughts. But then, I noticed a guy at the end of the street was yelling out a sermon to the people standing around (waiting for the bus) and those walking by. They had a couple big signs are there were others passing out tracts. I half felt like going up to the guy and asking him if he really thought that yelling at people on their lunch break was showing them God's love, and if he thought that they were really making a positive impression in the hearts and minds of everyone there. One businessman walked by and, when offered a tract, politely waved to indicate he didn't want one. The man handing out the tracts continued to hold out his hand and then said something about not being able to buy your way into Heaven. I'm sure their hearts were in the right place, but I think it should be painfully obvious that that isn't a very positive way to witness to people.

The second was tonight. I've been going to Apex on tuesday nights the last few weeks. Apex is a church service that's mostly high school and college kids. It's really cool. It's really similar (in format, style, etc) to my church on Sunday mornings, only different people, a different pastor, and a lot more casual. I had a great time; the sermon really spoke to my heart and the worship was great. I had a great time, and I love going.

The first encounter made me realize why so many people hate Christianity. It's because they never really see true Chrsitianity, they just see street corner preachers and televangelists. Instead of seeing Jesus they see religion. In my life I saw people who were different, who had this light in them, I got into a couple bands that really showed me Christianity, I saw the beauty and the happiness, and that's what drew me into it. I'll bet more people come to accept Christ at Apex in a month than do in a lifetime of that street corner preachers ministry. At Apex I see people I never would have thought I would see in a church. A couple weeks ago a guy my friends and I were talking to afterwords said that he ran into a girl he used to by drugs from at Apex. Apex is like a family, it's what church should be, it's what Christianity really is. I just hope more people see Apex and not the guy on the street corner. I hope the ones that do see the guy on the street corner don't think that that's what Christianity really is.

being an empath sometimes makes life hell. you konw how you always sit and wish you could hear what someone was thinking about you as they smile and nod at you? you usually cna't hear the *thoughts*, but you ooooh can feel the emotion sent towards you.

but some days it's worth it.

a coworker had a SHITTY day yesterday. stung by a lionfish, serious roommate problems, customers giving her hell. you could *feel* how upset she was. it hurt to feel her hurt like that. but i could do nothing.

today, i had to go see the orthodontist. just a checkup. but i got out early. and went to wander the Target near work, because i didnt go on duty for nearly an hour.

wanted caffiene and sugar. wandered the candy isle, debatedbetween several forms of chocolate. finally settled on whoppers, a candy i like but rarely buy. just got them randomly, seemed right.

got to work.

whoppers are her alltime favorite.

the damn things made her day.

couldn'ta done more if i'd *tried*. if i'd tried i'd have probably made things worse.

but those silly little candies made just about everything worth it.

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