I haven't written any journal entries
in 5 weeks or so. What's happened? I visited Washington, DC
. I learned my mother has been offically diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had a short relationship. I learned my father will be retiring this fall.
I had a good time at DC. I was old enough to appreciate everything we saw (The Smithsonian museums, the White house, the Washington Monument, the National Archives, the Jefferson Memorial, the FDR Memorial, the Holocaust Museum, the Vietnam and Korean War Memorials, and the Lincoln Memorial). I got along with the group (8 students, including me). One of the students that went on the trip, C, was my first crush (7th grade). I didn't ask her if she remembered me, because that'd just be dorky. We got along well and it turns out we'll be taking a class together next semester. And yes, I still think she's cute. She is very intelligent and has a sincere appreciation for learning, and life. I asked her what she was majoring in, and she told me a laundry list of things she was interested in and that she wish she could study them all. That appreciation is something that you don't see in many people. One of her interests is (preforming) music, which is where we found common ground...
The most important thing I learned from the DC trip happened AFTER the trip. After spending a week in another part in the country, when I walked in my room I saw it through different eyes and I had a realization: Wow, it doesn't always have to be like this. These circumstances and surroundings are not permanent. I was able to pay attention to every detail of my apartment. Usually, most features I took for granted and did not think about, as they became a part of the "background." Living in the same place for 6 years will do that to you, I guess.
I really wish that I could live on campus, but my financial situation is tricky. I live in a one-bedroom apartment with my mother, my father lives in another state. My mother doesn't work.. My father sends her enough money to support the both of us. It has been like this for years. And I don't like it. Josh's mom, who knows my mother, will always ask the usual questions when we see each other (usually once or twice a year.) "How's your mom doing?" "Is she working?" I hate answering that last question, but I can never bring myself to lie.
I brought up the idea of me living on campus. My dad started telling me all the reasons I wouldn't want to live on campus (roomates, etc). My mom stood up for me, but I realized what was happening. The real issue was the finances. My dad just did not want to bring it up, so he just tried to convince me I didn't want to live on campus, anyway. My family has a problem with communication. I've noticed that this has rubbed off on me, a bit, especially in my personal (romantic) relationships. I tend to leave most things unsaid..
Things are changing now. My dad has said that he is no longer able to find suitable poker games to play at (which makes up about half of his income). He also said that he is going to be retiring this fall. This means that my mother, who has not had a job in years, will have to support me and herself.
I'm not sure what she's going through. We are not close at all. I withdrawed myself from her in high school and I have maintained that state ever since. Why? Well, part of it was being a teenager and not liking your parents anymore. Another part of it was not being able to provide the emotional support that she needed. I didn't (and don't) think that its fair for me as a student to be burdened with placing an inordinate amount of emotional support to my mother. I'm the child. She's the parent. Not the other way around. That was my excuse in high school. Now, I'm not sure if I am justified. But I just think she is a bad influence on me.. she sleeps and watches TV all day. She is not active in anything or interested in anything. I think she has rubbed off on me, a bit too much, though....
Over a year ago, I wrote that "I can't wait to leave home." I was excited about the prospect of going to college but I did not concern myself with the logistics. I looks like I will be living at home my first semester in my second year. I am fairly convinced that personal development would be much easier if I did not have to live at home. How, though. I would have to be financially independent or take out a student loan. Well, I'm going to find out soon if a company in Dallas will hire me for computer work. I'm sure I'll be paid well. If I don't get that job, I don't see much opportunity in employment.. All my other contacts have dried up - left to my own devices I would not be able to get a job that pays enough for me to support myself financially and have time to take 18 hours of classes.
I had a short (one weekend) 'relationship' with D. A physical thing. Friday we went back to her apartment to fetch some CDs and we ended up making out. Saturday, we just talked on the phone. Sunday we went to see some preformances at the Spring Arts festival. I remember singing Belle and Sebastian songs loudly as we walked from her apartment to the theatre. I loved that. That was an awesome moment. People were giving us weird looks but we didn't care. She also introduced me to the book "The Little Prince". I love that book.
Later that night things went a bit further. It was clear she was interested in sex - but I wasn't. I'm a virgin, and I want to reserve sex for someone that I know that cares about me deeply and me her. We talked about it.. and I actually felt a bit freaked at the notion of a physical relationship. "Maybe we shouldn't kiss anymore," she said. I was crying. I didn't know why. And I don't know why. I remember telling her that maybe I should just lighten up and live in the moment (like she does.) She told me, "No, your first time SHOULD be special.. no.. every time should be special..."
A week later she told me she kissed V and asked if it bothered me if she told me those kinds of things. I said no, but I was lying. It did bother me. Another week later and those two were 'in love'. Her.. a first year college student, and him.. a senior, about to graduate. Knowing her, I had my doubts.. I also remember accidentally an email she was sending on her screen, in which she said that they had had sex. I felt bad about reading it, it really was none of my business. I felt hurt, for some reason. But I would have known that it was happening anyway. I knew D, and I doubted in they are in love, but I know they're in lust. Anyway, I try to keep a sense a humor about the whole thing. It's nothing worth whining about, it's almost a farce.
I've been without good friends for a long while. (A good friend is someone that you can talk to about major issues that are bothering you and who feels the same way about talking to you.) My last good friend was K, who is also my ex, we broke up on Feb. 27 and haven't spoken since. I fear that my social skills are going to hell and that I am becoming a hermit. I hardly talk to friends or aquaintances anymore. I don't know why. I think I have a sort of social anxiety. I feel that I am a messed up person and that I don't need to have friends until I can fix myself, because I'd just bring them down. Of course, when I hang out with the friends I have, they don't know this. I am happy, or I act happy. All they know is that they are seeing less and less of me and hearing less and less of me.
I live in worlds I have created in my mind, in a sort. I often times forget that others lack the context to understand what I am relating. I remember communicating an idea what I believed to be quite clearly.. and someone said, "What are you talking about?" Even online, I don't make friends and I don't talk to people. I think I am stuck in a rut. I believe that I need to fix myself before I can become socially active and I need to get out of my house before I can fix myself. Now that I look at my reasoning I feel that it may be flawed but I cannot change it right now.
I have been thinking about calling K. It's been about 3 months since we've talked. I even wrote Garrison Keillor and asked him what I should do. This is what he wrote me.
Of course you should call her and try to make amends. Start with the apology and then tell her what you've been up to lately and ask her about her life, and it'll soon be clear to both of you whether there's a friendship there to be rebuilt or if the waves washed it entirely away.
I still haven't called her. When I wrote him, I was feeling like nothing was wrong, that I felt great and that I was enjoying life. I don't feel like that anymore so I don't want to call her. Of course, I've also heard that she's seeing C (a friend of mine who I've known since elementary school), and that makes me a bit more reluctant to call, for some reason. I remember calling her late at night, her asking if something was wrong, and me breaking down into tears. Her listening to my nonsensical ramblings. I was worried about things that only made sense to me. All of my ramblings were rooted in things that she didn't know about. Issues that I've mentioned in this entry and previous ones.
That's what my friends tell me. That I am irritated too easily and I worry about to many things. I remember K telling me that I analyze everything. That I break everything down into subpoints and so on. That I'm going to have a heart attack before I'm 20. That I should be like her and not think. I thanked her for listening to me and she told me that's what friends are for.
That's what I miss. But I can't bring myself to call her, for some reason. I don't know. Maybe she thinks I hate her. I definitely don't. I'm just scared. When I call her, I'm going to be scared because I don't know how she will treat me. Of course I know that she would be nice to me. But I am still afriad that she would compeltely blow me off. I don't want to go into a conversation, scared, afraid and seeking her approval. It'd be pathetic, plus it would just creep her out. This is why I need to fix myself before I try to make friends..