Okay, so today seems like a very dark day.
My relationship with the girl whom I truly love is deciding whether or not to stay with me after a big fight we had. Things aren't going well in my mind after the panic/deep dark button was pushed. I had never thought of these things so vividly before. I had always kept them in my mind but had never ask why it existed. Or I knew that it existed but didn't really explore the matters. Now it's affecting my love life and one of my reasons to live.
The next goes hand in hand. Our company is announcing layoffs today and I somehow can't seem to bear the impending news. I also however may feel glad if I'm a part of this because if per chance I am let-go, I can be with my gf, but jobless. There wouldn't be anything tying me down to any place. The job would not be a big anchor.
But should I even let these things be an anchor?
That's what I ask myself in this self-indulgent mentality. Only I know of the weird things that affect me and create who I am. I am a victim of my own thoughts and emotions. But even this is not right.
I must be responsible for myself. I must be responsible for my own actions and behave in a socially acceptable "adult" manner. For the past several hours, I haven't been doing that. I'm 28 and still, I am a Temporary man.
I try not to let "it" rule me. But ever so often, I give in, "it" comes alive like a sleeping giant awakening in grumpiness. It must stop. I must stop because it is still me. I have the power to stop it. But can I do it myself?
I'm asking that now.
What a dark day indeed. I am not layed-off but my colleague has been. I hate this. How the hell am I suppose to operate like this? How the hell are we suppose to keep everything intact? There's too much instability right now. This world's aura is not enlightening.
I hate today.
Most of you reading will probably wonder why I am writing these odd things. Well, I ask you not to question it and also not to vote on this writeup. I need no judgement. I want no judgement. Just let it be in its most neutral state, please.