Today is:

New style (Gregorian): 3 August 2000
Old style (Julian): 21 July 2000 C.E.
Fixed: 730335 R.D.
Astronomical (at noon): 2451760 j.d.
ISO: Thursday, Week 31, Year 2000
Coptic: 27 Abib 1716 A.M.
Ethiopic: 27 Hamle 1992 E.E.
Islamic (until sunset): 2 Jumada I 1421 A.H.
Persian:13 Mordad 1379 A.P.
Baha'i (until sunset): Jam'al Kam'al, B'ab of V'ahib 9, Kull-i-Shay 1 B.E.
Hebrew (until sunset): 2 Av 5760 A.M.
Chinese: cycle 78, year Geng-chen, month 7, day 4
Hindu Lunar (from sunrise): 4 Sravana 2057 V.E.
Hindu Solar (from sunrise): 18 Karka 1922 S.E.
French: Decade II, Sextidi de Thermidor de l'Annee 208 de la Revolution
Mayan (long count): 12.19.7.7.17
Discordian:Setting Orange, Confusion 69, Year of Our Lady of Discord 3166

Everything Day Logs
Yesterday | Tomorrow

Everything Snapshot

Time: Thu, 3 Aug 2000 00:03:13 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 634433 (1410 new since August 2, 2000)
Number of users: 17437 (78 new since August 2, 2000)
Number of links: 2734508 (24014 new since August 2, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.384 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.310 links per node
Link to user ratio: 156.822 links per user

New Nodes: [Jerry Falwell] [growing up] [ImprovOlympic] [lag demons] [if I ever snap, you'll only know afterward] [How to fix a cell phone that has fallen into a lake] [Maybellene] [you're only half a bitch without the heels] [mustard is the condiment of the devil] [Beothuk] [goocher] [The Temporary Insanity Node] [klismaphiliac] [How to Make a Decent Bomb Threat] [August 2, 2000]

Users Online (47): [Pseudo_Intellectual] [Deborah909] [Lometa] [Uberfetus] [prole] [knarph] [thefez] [artfuldodger] [Electricsound] [dragoon] [ukyoCE] [MasterYoshi] [Gamaliel] [m1a9366b] [Halcyon&on] [Ereneta] [Sand Jack] [Jeeves] [ekim yar] [Psk] [Katyana] [Citizen Aim] [aldous42] [tribbel] [stand/alone/bitch] [Kung] [Pyro] [ithron] [Michalak] [Lady Midnight] [StopTheViolins] [de-frag] [izubachi] [amiawakeyet] [godling] [{hojita}] [Tyrael] [TheNastyCanasty] [timothyf] [Detenator] [Phyllis Stein] [KetsuYa] [HalcyonX] [core10k] [Revera] [katmaikni] [Borgman]

JeffMagnus node count: 4014 (0 new since August 2, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9216 (6 more since August 2, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.296 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.633%
JeffMagnus node of the day: http://slashdot.msn.com/

How one can write a daylog before anything has actually happened is strange, but i will write anyway my first daylog, excluding a few dream logs.

I got back from a trip to Europe a few weeks ago, which kind of explains the lack of entries from me. Provocative nodes or not. I really needed the space outside of my element to get beyond certain things in my life that seemed to never go away. I lost a year-long friendship-relationship with a girl i loved last year without being given a reason, and it took me til i returned from my trip to fully accept its termination. Maybe because i thrive on debate-confrontation, which would explain my ban on #Holland on Dalnet yet again this early morning/last night. I dont want to hurt other people by thinking too strongly or being honest, but I expect a certain level of courage for them to understand that not everyone has the same ideas as they do. Debate is good, you can learn a lot about people that way, otherwise your stuck with people messaging you for ASL, and wanting cybersex if you admit you're female.

I admitted on an irc channel i like smoking weed sometimes, only to find out I'm surrounded by people carrying the American values of anti-drug culture. Such as "I know more about drugs than anyone here, all drugs are shit". I don't know what you think, but that is a typical American ignorant stance imho. My point is that a wide percentage of people on this planet disappoint me.. not that i expect them to conform to how i WANT the world to be.. just that they don't care to take a whole view in favour of narrowmindedness. Something is lacking in all planes of educational hierarchy in my/our society

I guess I do have a lot on my mind, being unemployed can do that. I took my trip to Europe because my boss was 'fired/laid-off/restructured' last month.. and i almost 100% knew when the new person was hired.. i would be also shipped out. But I am also very glad it happened because the private school (Bayview Glen) is filled with nasty people whose whole existance & personalities have been filled, like jello in a mold, with money. I find to the taste nasty, these people unapproachable from a place other than 'class'. Of course there were some nice people, an Ironman athlete from Australia who taught Phys.ed.. He beat me in a 8k run with a time of 30:26:00 (my time was 38:24:00). Regardless, Once the summer camp took over the school building (as it does every year) i found that a community of differently driven people surrounded me, and there was not one camp councellor i found attractive.. even if they had a nice body.

I find myself sitting here early this morning pondering the meaning of why some people continue breathing, or what it could be like to have the allowance for thought only pertaining to self. i can really feel the fact that 90% of human beings are hyper ignorant, and refuse to move from within to the minority. And of this 10%, the odds of my finding someone nice and honest seem minimal. Even the smart people succumb to emotions or guilt, so really there is not much hope beyond making due with what you got.

I may be working on a project as a volunteer for the McLuhan Institute in Toronto, which gives me hope.
http://www.mmi.unimaas.nl/people/Veltman/Sums/sums.html
As for my trip to Europe, i went to the Love Parade in Berlin, Spent a week in Belgium and saw Brussels & Antwerp, and then took the hovercraft to England (specifically Dover where i took the train to London). I met some girls on my trip, but it kind of makes me feel like love is something beyond what i would want it to be. I suppose love for me is a fantasy world where i can meet the perfect girl and not have to worry about anything. But with my life experiences, including my parents violent divorce, i kind of know otherwise and it's too late.

"True friendship is about true freedom and this, we decided, was when there is no need to possess another person, no need to do anything to prove that one cares for them. Consequently the best proof of true caring was to act as if "one couldn't care less". This became an expression. Superficial friendship wants the other person to become like oneself. Profound friendship gives the other person courage in going their own way even if that way seems to go away from the person to/with whom one feels close."
-Kim Veltman

That kind of makes me feel like i'm resigned to having seperate beds with my future long term partner. I can understand that sacrifice is part of the equation, but i find it hard leaving someone i love because they do not want to be or are not able to be around me for their own reasons. I guess i don't like the idea of abandonment, while i also hate those that cling to others. Of course, stringing along successive sexual conquests isnt exactly how i want to feel good about myself either.

I suppose once i'm back to doing my own thing and not caring if i have a gf or not, i'll meet more people. This isnt exactly a recount of the day, unless you value the fact that every piece of this information has travelled the pathways of my neurotransmitters and jumped many more synaptic gorges than there are frozen corn niblets in frozen food aisles in the NorthWest Territories. I could tell you about my workout, that i do everyday, 150 pushups, 300 bench presses, 7.5 km run, but it might be more interesting to not talk about that or how my contact lenses fuck with my eyes, there is dog hair everywhere, that i have to find out how much it costs to mail a bottle of wine to Belgium...

I just wish for once life could get a little simpler, you know? Where I can have a relationship that lasts a few years, i can stay in one city long enough to keep 1 IT Networking job long enough where i learn and challenge myself in a positive, monetarily rewarding environment. Perhaps perfection could also get rid of my nagging suspicions, my computers lack of RAM and CPU power, and turntables to practice my DJ'ing once again with my 8 crates of records including the 1000$ worth I bought in europe (all my money went to records). To actually have someone that would even be half interested in listening to me rant like this, (so i wouldnt have to subject my daylog on anyone bored enough to read it).

At least i can come to e2 and admire everyones ideas and creativity, it is like coming back to a living entity, a Voltron of cognitive expression, parts and pieces connected no matter how interchangable. We all have at least the rest of August, a month of Summer, if you have a gf or bf.. enjoy your time with them, if you know them well enough you can be comfortable in knowing they will always be there for you. Something like that would make not only make it into my daylog, I wouldn't feel so damn concerned about anything else.

The rest of the day i can predict will take me to the Unemployment office where i will fill out reams of paperwork, take in my photo roll from europe to get developed, and take a nap right at the time when i used to sit in front of a computer and node on e2 and got paid for it.

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow

---

8:20 BST

I tried to click on "Random Node" inside another website (news.bbc.co.uk) - does this make me a hopeless E2 addict?

I've been contacted through an internet dating agency - should I reply? Maybe I should introduce her to E2, then get to know her through noding. Hmm...

Kallen, some people node as the day happens, others node at the end of the day, others node the previous day's happenings. There are no strict rules here.

18:30 BST

Got told off for making a flippant remark about our flakey source control system - hence I was pissed off walking home - hence I decided to get a little pissed. (UK slang for drunk, in case you're wondering) I therefore apologise in advance for the random smattering of thoughts below

It's started raining as I type this; how apt

My internet dating contact hasn't set up email correctly - I want to reach out, yet cannot. How typical, he says with a wry but weary smile.

A Perfect Circle's Judith video by David Fincher may be the best music video I've seen, ranking up there with The Prodigy's Breathe video. It is a brilliant piece of work without eclipsing the song itself; unlike so many Chris Cunningham videos: Bjork's All is full of love and Aphex Twin's Windowlicker.

The rain is washing over the pavement slabs I lifted last weekend - I know I'm supposed to be an enthusiastic gardener, but I really can't be bothered to move my precious plant dudes.

I told my Brother that seeing the preview of Gone in 60 seconds on a small cinema screen isn't worth it, wait until the full release on a big cinema screen. I hope he will not be annoyed with me, as I promised him I would go with him to see the preview. We shall see it in big screen glory tomorrow, I promise.

I am scared to go to The E2 London Picnic, and I am terrified to go to the party Saturday night. I am simply too shy; what could possibly go wrong?

There is a new girl in Systems Integration who looks about 15. I am attracted to her because of her young looks - not for the jailbait quality - she is attractive. But she is young looking, and I feel guilty for finding her pretty. What is it about us that makes us afraid to like someone?

It's not like you've killed someone
It's not you drove a hateful spear into his side

I have just read the lyrics for A Perfect Circle's Judith at http://everythingsblue.com/lyrics/apc/judith.html - As a Christian I find them surprisingly striking; they caught me unawares, but then I am a little drunk...

17:08 GMT +10:00 Sydney

I gut feeling about this node today is that I will probably ramble a little - but thats OK, nothing wring with rambling :). Well, if you read my last daylog you will be aware that I was having a small problem with the code I was writing. This problem is semi-solved and I'm not going to mention it again.. so what do I really have to talk about?

Ahhh.. my weekend (last weekend that is). Company Ski trip. 2 words. Free alcohol. Make that 3 words. Unlimited free alcohol. This is a very, very, very, very, very evil thing to do to a person. The lodge we were staying in served over 30 different types of schnapps - I have some thoughts on this

Boysenberry schnapps, as far as we can tell, is tequilla. Not good at all! It even still tasted like tequilla the second time..

My liver hurts

While not schnapps they had something called Hemp Liquour which we just had to try. Tasted something like watered down cough medicine..

DON'T MIX DRINKS! I cannot stress this enough..

My liver hurts

NEVER attempt to drink 30 vodka's with schnapps chasers - especially if it is just to see if we could try all the different flavours.

I never realised how much you can actually drink when you don't have to worry about drinking next weeks rent money.

My liver really hurts

I don't know what time we went to bed or how we got there. I do know that my girlfriend and myself woke up around 9am, with all the lights on, various injuries and only 10 more hours of vomitting to go. I think we may have managed to give ourselves alcohol poisoning or something - which is not good when you're on a mountain in the middle of nowhere. That was a real pity because it kept us from skiing all Saturday - however the skiing on Sunday was excellent!

I don't think I have anything else to say.. ahhh.. Has anyone seen the film clip to the song Last Resort by Papa Roach? Is the lead singer the long lost brother of one of the guys from Blink-182 or what? Just thought I'd share that with you :)

Went on a bit of a noding spree last night, and wrote some Douglas Coupland stuff, including the (IMHO) great Generation X Definitions. Had fun copy-n-pasting this morning.

This morning my badge - that lets me into work - had expired. As I was the first in my department to get in I had to wait in security for a while, as they found someone to come and escort me into the building. As I am only a visitor today (until my badge is sorted out) I have to have someone else with me ALL THE TIME. I don't want to be walked to the toilet!

Another day in the life, I suppose.

Work, again, is going very well. There are the usual frustrations ("What! That bitch wants to change the foreword to her book AGAIN?!" "He wants to add HOW MANY chapters??), but nothing too unbearable. At least I like what I do, even if I don't always like who I do the work for.

Car's still all fucked up. It's going to cost almost $1200 to fix the car, so ... we'll see whether the dumb lady that hit my car is going to pay for it out of pocket or turn it into her insurance company. Either way, I should find out next week.

And, for some reason, I've been thinking a lot about a former ... well, I guess it was just a complicated relationship. It didn't really have a start, therefore it didn't ever really end and, the strangest thing is, I can't get him out of my head. I don't know why ...

Maybe it's propehtic.

Got free tickets to the Duran Duran concert. Why the hell not? (answers: lawn seats. imminent thunderstorm.) It was free entertainment before we even saw the band. Nearly everyone was drunk on what looked like Thunderbird, was obese or unhealthy-skinny with lip-dangling cigarettes, and there was a consistent long line for those deep-fried flaps of dough and sugar they call funnel cakes. Thunderbird, Marlboros, and funnel cakes. :::::shudder::::.

We stayed through a few new songs and a few old songs, then we left just as it started to rain. Great, but it started pouring, too, and the ground had inches of water by the time we were 1/3 of the way back. We had rainjackets on (most didn't have anything and were holding sheets over themselves) but our jeans and sneakers were soaked, regardless. The guy who gave us the tickets wanted to go, but didn't feel up to it, and stayed home to watch TV. I'm sure he was glad that he did.

New, random people at work. There's one guy - here on temporary assignment - who has a GNU, BSD, and Apple sticker on his car (the hell?). He worked for a while, but got on the phone with a friend and talked to him about shit that he shouldn't be talking about in the workplace. I don't care if it is the graveyard shift - you shouldn't have semi-loud conversations about how you slept with someone's sister. Fuck. These people need to spend some time in the Air Force.

Aside from that, there is yet another person at work who sits near me and likes to play N'Sync and the Backstreet Boys. Both guys. It drives me insane. I try and I try to be a totally centered Zen master but it I want to beat them both with a two by four. There's also a guy who comes in at 07:00 and coughs like he's tubercular. Okay, it's more of a dry cough, but it's very fucking annoying. Ever hear of Robutussin, asshole? Ricola?

More coffee.

My eyes are killing me. I don't even want to think about going to work later this morning. Oh poop.

15:22 EET

Phew, another busy workday. My boss left for some meeting, so I sneaked to type this quick day log entry.

We just noticed that the 2nd birthday of Arabuusimiehet is less than a month away, and decided to celebrate it by finally finishing the portal site we've been planning for ages. Also, the third version of The Holy Blue Electric Watermelon™ fits the occasion perfectly. An attack with placing Arabuusimiehet-posters all over Helsinki would be cool too, but the Grand ArabuusiMaster's bosses would soon notice him abusing the printers at work.

Btw, 5 minutes after submitting yesterday's entry I found the missing colored pencils. Since it was late already, but I couldn't resist the temptation, I stayed up way too late. Yep, another zombie-like day at the office. But at least I scribbled a pretty nice piece, when (if?) I achieve level 6 I'll put that to my home node.

Heh, Neko's entry brought a smile to my face. It also reminded me of why I don't enjoy drinking anymore.

Time to look busy again.


23:57 EET

Phew, got the place cleaned up. Now I should begin my mental preparations for another company mini golf match tommorrow.. Nah, I'll just watch Seinfeld instead.


Track of the day:  Skillsters - Too Pyssy for Bullshit

thursday morning

wake up. hit the snooze button, but got out of bed before it could cycle. smoke my last cigarette. take a shower. get dressed (jeans, black sweater, docs).

anxiety. nervousness.

walk the dog. go buy cigarettes and coffee creamer. go to work. see second quarter earnings report.

dismal.

i have a lot of freedom i probably wouldn't have at another company. i dress casual. i live 3 minutes walking distance from here. i have my own office with nice big windows. i like what i do and the company is good at expressing their appreciation. the people i work with are competent and interesting.

i will go with the flow. i will drink much coffee.

i love my man. he loves me. i will not take this for granted.

thursday afternoon

i am looking forward to going home. the day has dragged a bit. it feels more like 7:30 than 4:30. i will go home, walk the dog, and get in a quick bike ride before it rains again. then i will vacuum, smoke a bowl, and relax.

i will finish the self-help book. i will pay attention to what it says. i will look for more information and motivation.

i will try to finish my self-portrait.

thursday evening

a storm is coming. i watch the doppler maps. i hear the thunder already. i love it.

---

News

• former president Gerald Ford is recovering from at least one small stroke suffered on August 2, 2000 while in philadelphia to attend the republican national convention.
• nasdaq falls to it's lowest level since may.
• U.S. District Judge James Robertson orders the FBI to release information about their tool called "carnivore" used to capture e-mail messages in a criminal investigation.
• the Journal of the American Medical Association reports that tightening of gun control through the brady bill has not lowered gun-related homocides. it has, however, lowered the number of gunshot suicides in the elderly (age 55 and older).
• Hunter S. Thompson will not be charged for accidentally shooting his assistant while trying to scare a bear away from his home in Colorado.

Whelp, it didn't take NYCity very long to figure out that it's August. Last week was rainy, but gorgeous... cool wet nights, damp windy breezes, drippy darkness... but now: muggy muggy muggy. This is when you begin carrying around an extra 5lbs of fluid in your cotton clothes. This is when old ladies pass out while waiting for the 6 train in Union Square.

Smoke breaks are beginning to be fearful. Who dares leave the A/C? Northerners have always been funny about this stuff though... I've never understood why so many homes around here lack air conditioning... Having grown up in the South, everyone had A/C - and you went from an air conditioned home to an air conditioned car to an air conditioned job. Maybe you stopped by an air conditioned restraunt or an air conditioned bar later in the night. That could happen.

But here you find so frequently that you go over to a friend's home or a local restraunt or a bar and it's simply stiffling inside... and the same answer to my question always comes... but you really only need it in August...

That may be so... I turned mine on in April.

I simply can't abide with heat, certainly not where I'm living and sleeping. I tell people that and they look at me funny... "Didn't you grow up in Nashville?" Yes, and I went from my air conditioned home to my air conditioned car to my air conditioned job. For me to be happy, the air temperature needs to be less than 75 degrees (f). 45-65 is absolutely ideal. That makes me happy.

So, I'm going to be spending August at home and look forward to fall.

Today August 3, 2000 was not the best of days for me.

• IRL, I lost a pair of shoes just after I went into a mosque for a short while.
• IVL, I found that I accidentally created a blank writeup in node why does ice float?. It had been downvoted to reputation: -3 :-(, by the time some kind soul (thanks sensei ;-}) brought it to my attention.

Ah well ...

Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.....my dad came over Monday and took Number Two Son and I to lunch at the Tea Room, then we went over to the Park Gallery to the art exhibit where Number Two Son's work was on display. Dad left a video of the family reunion for me to watch. I watched it Tuesday night. It was good to see all my relatives again. My Uncle Riley(seeApril 24, 2000) didn't looked too well, he was kind of staggering around in the backyard, he's worse now. I learned my Aunt Lillian had died in 1995. I guess I was too sick to recall them telling me when she died or maybe they wanted to spare me the feelings...it was quite a shock. So many work for the computer industry it was surprising, they all are so busy with productive lives, while I'm on disability ~disheartening~

Number One Son is still away at Church Camp, he called and won't be back til Saturday now. More stuff came in the mail from the university....ie 'where is the paper we sent for you to to sign and return?' (Filed somewhere on the middle of his bedroom floor I imagine.) I told him I was opening his mail from the university from now on until I can trust him again. I could hear him tell whomever on the other end of the phone
Now she's opening my mail man....

Go to college dammit! It's the best time of your life! I screamed in my head.

I've been going through old nodes that were brought over here from E1, editing them and linking. Getting rid of some as well. Nodes nuked
Mild, Medium, Hot, or Fire?
Have you ever had your own business card?
things to remember when buying new underwear
What is your Nom De rap?
graffiti nodes
smiling halfway
(Silurus)
AT&TWorldNet
middle age
snaggletooth
save the children
Mostly getting to know you and newbie nodes.

PS ~ I'm gonna love my walk tonight!

Confronting Doubts

Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.
And Thomas answered and said unto him, My LORD and my God.
Jesus saith unto him,Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.
- John 20:27-29 (KJV)
My soul belongs to God alone , my salvation comes from him.

Devotion

I'll just summarize the majority of today with a few simple words: I hope you're unhappy.

I can see blue sky but there are these grey dreary clouds that refuse to leave and it is driving me insane much like this fly that still insists on resting atop my head. It tickles. It is annoying.

"Mustn't grumble". I suppose that is true.

To the recommendation of burnboy, I have sent an e-mail message to Didi Rissman (the nice.girl from Kit Lo hangs out with a girl...). I have received a reply today. She has written about her travel and work in Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Massachusetts (specifically Cape Cod). In nine days, she'll return to New York City for three weeks, giving me a good chance to hang out with her at least once. I wonder what should I do?

Factgirl's fact of the day:

In Japan, a sportswear company has designed undies that keep your kiester and all its accesories cool. They dissipate heat and keep the groinal area about 1 degree Celcius cooler than regular cotton tighty-whiteys. 

They are called Icetouch in case you want to order some.

-it's a fact!

Despite having collapsed around 4am last night (Tomorrow is the day after I wake up) I was woken at 8 by a cheery mother. For whatever reason, they had decided to take a rest before driving back from Northern California. Fine, except I didn't need to be woken to hear that or to be scolded about leaving every light in the house on. I simply had a desperate need to go back to sleep.

I arose around 1pm to the delightful sounds of the construction workers outside. My baby brother's pissed at me because I borrowed his Perfect Dark cartridge from inside his room. I regret ever letting him have it considering his insane border mentality. I've apologized in the past, but this time, even though I'm in the wrong, I'm not going to. Nothing I love more than dealing with someone going through puberty - at least he's more pleasant than I was at that age. Think I'll go finish "Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds" - the applicability to the whole Internet stock madness is interesting.

The alchemists and prophets were even more interesting. It wasy nice to read a 19th century bitchslap of Nostradamus and other assorted frauds. The reading, especially on the Rosicrucians, dovetails nicely with having reading Focault's Pendulum two weeks ago. Conspiracy theories have such a way of drawing one into a different reality.

Went out for Mexican food at El Tepiac again, got two huge Manuels. Used to be a dining challenge where if someone ate two at one sitting, they'd win $100 dollars. Considering one can feed 3 people with leftovers, it requires a certain something. Caught my youngest bro looking at p0rn - whitehouse.com to be exact - after we got home. He did the alt-tab trick, but I still caught him. I caught my middle bro at it earlier as well. Heh, they never caught me.

Called a friend today. Inquired what the fallout of their arrest a few days back had been. Apparently, they had missed their scheduled court appearance by accident. Ooops. Considering they were innocent of the original charges, that's not the greatest news I could have heard. Hope they make it okay.

Following a somewhat unusual Dream Log: August 3, 2000, the first thing I did this morning was send an SMS to Hannah to make sure she was ok. The uncharacteristically unemotional response was

I'm still here

. That was it, end of story. I sent a message back later to ask how she was, what she'd been up to, but nothing back.

It was odd.

Since we split up in March/April, we hadn't talked much, but the 'not talking to each other' stage did pass after a while, and she was online, I would at least say hi. Her birthday rolled around in July, and I felt some sort of obligation to send her a card. She sent me a text message to thank me, and we got into a bit of a conversation in them.. At the time I was in Stansted Airport, waiting for a delayed flight, avec parents, but the messages continued once we were back home, and at about 1am I gave her a call. It was fantastic to be talking again.

For about a week, we talked like we used to, and I was pretty happy. But then it stopped - she wasn't online at all, she wouldn't reply to text messages, and I didn't feel comfortable calling.

Back to this evening. She send me an IM out of the blue, from a new screen name, asking me not to have such scary dreams. But she didn't really get into conversation, and she eventually told that she agreed not to. Agreed with whom? With Terry, her bf.

Talk about posessive, yeesh.

I told her that if that's the deal, and she's gonna be happy by sticking to part of it, and even if it means not talking to me, then I'll just have to go along with it.

(this is the kinda thing which will take the swing outta my step tomorrow..)

Oh, and happy birthday dad

Wake up this morning and felt really bad. Not bad like tired or sick, but more like being a bad person. I can't think of any particular reason why I should do that right now, it must have been something that I dreamt. Anyhow, it made the first half of the day a mess. I had a bad consciousness on behalf of the world, felt guilty for something undefinable and was pretty miserable.

The last weeks have passed by in an uneventful blur with a lack of inspiration. At times it feels like I'm just administring this shell of flesh and its responsibilities, not actually controlling it.

Sometimes it just has to be like this, I guess. It is a time of preparation, even personal growth. It is forcing me to always do something new, to turn something upside down and do some major changes to some part of life.

Do something new every day. Tomorrow I will pick up my failed project from two weeks ago:

• Eat herring and bread every day

Discovered today that if I don't start the day with a cigarette right away, I won't smoke as much the rest of the day as if I did. Not that I care, I like smoking.

Into week 2 of the ginkgo regimen. Four weeks is awfully gradual... how will I know if this crap is really doing anything for me, without a rush, a spike? I realize the big rainbow bruise on my inner forearm comes from how I carry two full laundry baskets under one arm. (Note to self: stop doing that.) Laundromat: bedding and whites. Bradlees: 2 casual shirts. Groceries: broccoli & peppers to stir-fry for dinner. Liquor store: a six of Bodean's Twisted Tea malt beverage. It's weird, not bad, like a very dilute, slightly sparkly whiskey. I learn that my flatmate's parakeet's vomiting behavior is related to mating: momma birds regurgitate predigested food for their young, and apparently the male will do the same for his mate. Get a room, I don't need to see this; and NO, you can't perch on my shoulder after you get predigested food all over your head!
Evening: watch Evil Dead.

Work is work and work is more work. Profound, eh?

Boring boring day. I called numerous people back, left messages, got bitchy with the technical support at Compaq, and ate a free Subway sandwich for lunch. I love saving sub stamps.

Right now I'm cooling my heels and killing off the last few minutes of the day by goofing off. I already went shopping online for bath products. I love and hate mothernature.com for this reason. Too much nifty stuff. I just signed up for their shipping club, so I guess I'm stuck buying lots of vitamins and lotion for a while. One can never have enough lotion!

I feel silly right now, but I think that's because I'm high on caffeine. I'm going to the gym right after I'm off work, so hopefully I'll be able to burn some nervous energy.

This lack of time at work to create nodes... well, quite frankly, it sucks. How dare they make me do work at work! The nerve! I would have made nodes last night, but I got into a wild HTML writing binge that would make your mouths drop. Maybe not that, but it was pretty wild for me. I had my guilty pleasure of watching Survivor, and then I wrote HTML for about three hours, interspersed with some graphic tweakage in Paint Shop Pro. Result - the basic structure of my domain is in place and now I will frantically fill it.

My sister is moving in with her boyfriend of 4 months that she met on AOL. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think she might be rushing into something she shouldn't be, but she is 25 and its her life. I like her boyfriend though. He's pretty cool. I hope it works out.

Time to go home. TTFN.

Nodes That I Wrote Today:
none

CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
none

A shop-till-you-drop mentality can seize hold of many Rams. Be wary of overspending.

I stayed home from work again today. I feel better, but my whole family has had strep throat and I am probably still contagious.

In related news, the project I am working on has been moved closer to it's due date by a week. Luckily the data (see Clean Data) has been, or is in the process of being, fixed. It has also been expanded, so it will actually make the site worth visiting once it is released. Of course this means that I have to re-write the entire engine, re-enginner the database, and redesign the displayed information. But that's easy, right?

I have missed two days of work due to strep throat. It sucks mostly because I love my job. It also sucks because I am already running behind on several projects because of the stupid meetings that I am forced to go to. I have to go to status meetings, design meetings, discussion meetings. Dammit Jim, I am a geek, not a manager.

The worst part of the whole family being sick is that my wife gets so whiney. She starts to moan at every little thing, hoping I will notice and take pity on her. She has actually told me that she does this, so I am not imagining it. It doesn't work very well, however, when I am exactly as sick as she is, since we both got it at the same time from our year old son.

Moral:
Babies are dirty and carry disease. Stay away from them at all costs.

Sometimes I forget I am a girl. I'll look in the mirror and it stuns me now and then. It's mostly when I'm online that I think of myself as a guy. When I write I think of it from the view of a man. It's only when I'm actually walking that I'm aware that I'm not a guy and I can see the smoothness of my legs sticking out of my black skirt.

I don't know why. I don't know whether it's because I've always enjoyed the company of the male species more or that I've never understood chicks in general. I've often wished I were a guy. People would treat me differently then, I'd be listened to more easily. No matter what, men and women are different. We can fight for equal rights and whatever, but that's just the way it is. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. I simply feel like I'm on the wrong side.

But I am a girl. I know it when I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I could be wrong, perhaps guys get these irrational feelings, too. Maybe it hasn't got a damn thing to do with what gender you are. I hate that I have to give notice to things like clothes and make-up. I hate shopping. I hate chocolate. I hate diamonds, for god's sake. I don't wanna get married, I don't want children, I don't want a fucking house with a white picket fence. And every other woman I tell this to looks at me as if I were insane. What was it my aunt said? I told her I was going back to school and planning to move out of the city. "How can you do that?" she asked. What do you mean? "Without a partner, how can you do that?" What? She seriously could not conceive of the idea of me planning to never get married. That doesn't mean I'll be alone forever, though.

Sigh. I don't know. I'm just a girl, anyway.

Yet again I become one of the last daylog writeups. So only the vote-hungry and really bored will be reading this. Oh well, I do it more for myself.

Today was rather uneventful during the actual day. I worked, that's it.
I did make a call to a friend during a break, though, and didn't have a clue that it was to become the day's issue.

All of my ex's friends, excluding one, are upset with her. They don't want to see her or deal with her. She's untrustworthy and is doing stuff that just plain pisses people off. So the call I placed was to the one person who is sticking with her. I had told her that their friends were avoiding her not because of her, but because of my ex, and that I thought she should know. Well word got around to my ex, and suddenly she's calling everyone she knows telling them I had said they hate her and asking what was up.
I got a call from her, the first time she's called in...3 months? Suddenly she's interested in talking to me. She tries to make me tell her that all her friends hate her and specifically why. I don't bite. I get real upset talking to her, and call up my cousin who was at one time not-so-distant her best friend. She tells me that we're going to a Demolition Derby with buses at the County Fair.

We went to the fair, and were very disappointed. Buses are god-awful slow and don't make for much mayhem. I don't reccomend a bus demolition derby, folks.

I get back and the girl whom I originally called, calls me back. She says that my ex is relaying stories of how her friends also hate her friend (the on I'm speaking to now). And you guessed it, I was the deliverer of this message of hatred. Well I wasn't, my ex twisted my words as always. After this I was through with it and decided to just call everyone up and apologize for opening Pandora's Box and get the story straight. So now hopefully everyone's not pissed at me. Party tomorrow night, so they'll be happy with me then. ;P

Today my dad may or may not have had a heart attack, they don't know yet. It's the most horrible morbid sentence there is "they don't know yet." I remember waiting in the freezing cold station wagon because I couldn't stand the unspoken strain of the waiting room where we all huddled waiting to see if my brother would get through the surgery. This is like that only I am not around to see what happens, I am far enough away to have to rely on second hand news, only what they think I should know. I do not like waiting for the phone to ring. I do not like the stupid guilt of thinking ahead, I feel guilty for thinking the word Death at all, I feel guilty for even letting dark dresses and dark dirt into my head at all, I feel guilty for hanging up the phone and continuing to watch tv like nothing had happened until that security broke and I surprised myself by crying, and I feel guilty because what if he dies now before he gets to do all this stuff he wants so badly to do. He wants to tell my mom they are going to the movies but really he is taking her to the car dealership and he is going to buy her that one she's had her eye on. This is for thirty good years, Maryanne, he wants to say. She has not told him she is crazy about that car but she told me and I told him and he has been delighted about his sneakiness ever since. And selfishly, forget walking me down the aisle but what if he never gets to meet the person who turns out to be the right person for me? What if I miss his happiness from that? He's old and this isn't the first time his heart has done frightening things, so unfortunately I am not overreacting. I feel guilty for doing everything too late, I mean look at all the time I've wasted. What if he dies and then I decide to have a baby? I would send him a get-well card if they only made one that said Dear Dad Please don't die Please don't die Please don't die.

Phewwwwwwwwwww

Day, day, day, day, day day, day. What a fucking day.

Firstly, the practical matters:

'twas quite busy at work; I occupied my time re-building a legacy machine under my desk, keeping machines from blowing up, and just generally kickin it.
at home, did the laundry, worked out (pecs), played Bushido Blade and Final Fantasy 8.
Got a phone call from my friend Dan in California; he just moved to San Francisco and is starting a new job on monday.
Overclocked the machine, with only marginal success; apparently Windows was none too happy to see me running even an extra 33mHz faster, so I am stuck with 15 lousy more mHz.

Oh well.

The juicy stuff:

I had a very long personal venting session with her regarding, at first, the end of our short relationship and how it related to the friendship that we still had, ending with the difficulties that I consistently encounter in relationships.
And suprisingly, it felt very very good, being able to actually talk about myself and have someone who cares listening to me.
Yes.
Someone who cares.

It's a nice feeling, you know, realizing that you're not as alienated as you think you are; or as alienated that you've tried to make yourself.

I think I might have offered to bribe my marketing professor today. Except that he isn't really my professor anymore--he no longer teaches at the university--and I'm not really in class anymore. I've talked before (a day or so ago) about my mound of incompletes. They morphed into F's when I wasn't looking (something about waiting longer than 6 months to clear them--I don't know.) So I'm pretty much up the proverbial creek sans paddle, and a little desperate.

Anyway, he does dotcom stuff now, and I know he's busy, so I tried to offer him my skills (public relations, "content creation" etc) to help free up enough time to look at a couple of papers and give me a C...or a B or an A or whatever.

He responded with a "Give me a call.." and left numbers-day and evening ones. So anyway, either he wants no record of the transaction and is going to work me like a dog for a lousy B in International Marketing, or he's going to record it and turn me over to the university.

Or of course, maybe he's just going to read my stuff and give me a grade--who knows?

August 2, 2000 | August 4, 2000 | Zulu One's Essex-cellent Adventure

By now into the holiday swing, we went to Mountfitchet, to see the adjacent attractions of Mountfitchet Castle and the House on the Hill. Mountfitchet Castle is a reconsructed Norman Castle dating to about 1100 (at least the original did - the thing was wooden so the castle there now is all modern) and is very interesting, with a reconstruction of a mangonel and a siege tower.

The House on the Hill is a museum of old and modern toys and is very nostalgic.

I haven't taken my Prozac for at least three days, and I am starting to feel the effects. I feel so flat. I don't know... part of it is most likely thanks to Aaron, who came into Pfaltzgraff today to tell me to come over to his mom's after work. But then he called me a little later to say he would be at Jon's house. I went straight there after work, and found the lot of them, stoned as hell, saying they had smoked five bowls between four people, not to mention the occasional joint passed around. Aaron's eyes had that droopy look, so I knew. Not that I had expected anything different. But I was extremely pissed. They somehow talked me into going to Denny's. Speant the entire time there listening to Jon and Stu talk about what life would be like on Stu's Green Earth, where everything would come in tens; ten pounds of weed, ten books of acid, ten grams of coke, ten lines of K. I don't know why I put up with these people. Maybe I should keep taking my pills.