How one can write a daylog before anything has actually happened is strange, but i will write anyway my first daylog, excluding a few dream logs.
I got back from a trip to Europe a few weeks ago, which kind of explains the lack of entries from me. Provocative nodes or not. I really needed the space outside of my element to get beyond certain things in my life that seemed to never go away. I lost a year-long friendship-relationship with a girl i loved last year without being given a reason, and it took me til i returned from my trip to fully accept its termination. Maybe because i thrive on debate-confrontation, which would explain my ban on #Holland on Dalnet yet again this early morning/last night. I dont want to hurt other people by thinking too strongly or being honest, but I expect a certain level of courage for them to understand that not everyone has the same ideas as they do. Debate is good, you can learn a lot about people that way, otherwise your stuck with people messaging you for ASL, and wanting cybersex if you admit you're female.
I admitted on an irc channel i like smoking weed sometimes, only to find out I'm surrounded by people carrying the American values of anti-drug culture. Such as "I know more about drugs than anyone here, all drugs are shit". I don't know what you think, but that is a typical American ignorant stance imho. My point is that a wide percentage of people on this planet disappoint me.. not that i expect them to conform to how i WANT the world to be.. just that they don't care to take a whole view in favour of narrowmindedness. Something is lacking in all planes of educational hierarchy in my/our society
I guess I do have a lot on my mind, being unemployed can do that. I took my trip to Europe because my boss was 'fired/laid-off/restructured' last month.. and i almost 100% knew when the new person was hired.. i would be also shipped out. But I am also very glad it happened because the private school (Bayview Glen) is filled with nasty people whose whole existance & personalities have been filled, like jello in a mold, with money. I find to the taste nasty, these people unapproachable from a place other than 'class'. Of course there were some nice people, an Ironman athlete from Australia who taught Phys.ed.. He beat me in a 8k run with a time of 30:26:00 (my time was 38:24:00). Regardless, Once the summer camp took over the school building (as it does every year) i found that a community of differently driven people surrounded me, and there was not one camp councellor i found attractive.. even if they had a nice body.
I find myself sitting here early this morning pondering the meaning of why some people continue breathing, or what it could be like to have the allowance for thought only pertaining to self. i can really feel the fact that 90% of human beings are hyper ignorant, and refuse to move from within to the minority. And of this 10%, the odds of my finding someone nice and honest seem minimal. Even the smart people succumb to emotions or guilt, so really there is not much hope beyond making due with what you got.
I may be working on a project as a volunteer for the McLuhan Institute in Toronto, which gives me hope.
http://www.mmi.unimaas.nl/people/Veltman/Sums/sums.html
As for my trip to Europe, i went to the Love Parade in Berlin, Spent a week in Belgium and saw Brussels & Antwerp, and then took the hovercraft to England (specifically Dover where i took the train to London). I met some girls on my trip, but it kind of makes me feel like love is something beyond what i would want it to be. I suppose love for me is a fantasy world where i can meet the perfect girl and not have to worry about anything. But with my life experiences, including my parents violent divorce, i kind of know otherwise and it's too late.
"True friendship is about true freedom and this, we decided, was when there is no need to possess another person, no need to do anything to prove that one cares for them. Consequently the best proof of true caring was to act as if "one couldn't care less". This became an expression. Superficial friendship wants the other person to become like oneself. Profound friendship gives the other person courage in going their own way even if that way seems to go away from the person to/with whom one feels close."
-Kim Veltman
That kind of makes me feel like i'm resigned to having seperate beds with my future long term partner. I can understand that sacrifice is part of the equation, but i find it hard leaving someone i love because they do not want to be or are not able to be around me for their own reasons. I guess i don't like the idea of abandonment, while i also hate those that cling to others. Of course, stringing along successive sexual conquests isnt exactly how i want to feel good about myself either.
I suppose once i'm back to doing my own thing and not caring if i have a gf or not, i'll meet more people. This isnt exactly a recount of the day, unless you value the fact that every piece of this information has travelled the pathways of my neurotransmitters and jumped many more synaptic gorges than there are frozen corn niblets in frozen food aisles in the NorthWest Territories. I could tell you about my workout, that i do everyday, 150 pushups, 300 bench presses, 7.5 km run, but it might be more interesting to not talk about that or how my contact lenses fuck with my eyes, there is dog hair everywhere, that i have to find out how much it costs to mail a bottle of wine to Belgium...
I just wish for once life could get a little simpler, you know? Where I can have a relationship that lasts a few years, i can stay in one city long enough to keep 1 IT Networking job long enough where i learn and challenge myself in a positive, monetarily rewarding environment. Perhaps perfection could also get rid of my nagging suspicions, my computers lack of RAM and CPU power, and turntables to practice my DJ'ing once again with my 8 crates of records including the 1000$ worth I bought in europe (all my money went to records). To actually have someone that would even be half interested in listening to me rant like this, (so i wouldnt have to subject my daylog on anyone bored enough to read it).
At least i can come to e2 and admire everyones ideas and creativity, it is like coming back to a living entity, a Voltron of cognitive expression, parts and pieces connected no matter how interchangable. We all have at least the rest of August, a month of Summer, if you have a gf or bf.. enjoy your time with them, if you know them well enough you can be comfortable in knowing they will always be there for you. Something like that would make not only make it into my daylog, I wouldn't feel so damn concerned about anything else.
The rest of the day i can predict will take me to the Unemployment office where i will fill out reams of paperwork, take in my photo roll from europe to get developed, and take a nap right at the time when i used to sit in front of a computer and node on e2 and got paid for it.