It's my birthday! Everybody Hurl Feces at Me!

Today I turn 24. I am actually going to take a vacation from work for the first time in years. Since I have no money, I am going to go camping, (which is almost free).

So far my annual birthday depression has not come yet. I usually get depressed every year on August 3rd. It is always the same thing, "I haven't done anything with my life yet" and "I can't believe that I am single on my birthday again". Oh for the record I have been single on all 24 of my birthdays so far. So I have never received a birthday present from a girlfriend yet. I seem to follow this odd pattern of finding a new girlfriend every fall, (who usually stays with me for 6 months or so), and then having a different girlfriend for the first 2 months of the summer. This might make sense if I was in school or something. But I have been out of school for 7 years now, and yet I still follow that same pattern.

Thank you to (darsi) and all the other noders who sent me birthday /msgs, (and thanks to someone for my "birthday serial downvote"). I will be gone for 3 days now, (so I won't be able to answer any msgs/death threats for a couple of days.

Things accomplished yesterday
Got Python to read in a Foxpro file

Things to do today:
Meet Catherine for lunch
Check that my job application yesterday arrived
buy new underwear
apply for some jobs through the paper and via a list of contacts that Owen gave me.
Pack for my weekend away
Go away

Start of the Bank Holiday, they let us out of work early today ;)

Yesterday I installed Python on the machine here at work. As I mentioned before I am doing data entry and it is killing me, so I played around with Idle all day yesterday. A friend of mine is working for a company that wants to put up an interface on the web to a data base of theirs. I mentioned that I might be able to do this (allways a first for everything) and so after my day job yesterday i went around to their offices and played around with some of their files. It's hard trying to work after a full day in a dead boring job, i will have to work harder, i allways say that.

I had to decide yesterday what I am going to do this coming weekend, There were three option, go to Donegal to climb to Clare to climb and to do a bit of caving or go to Bantry to see carol play in a concert, (this is the girl that I wrote about on March 24, 2001 She is living still in New York and it would be fantastic to see her again, but finding somewhere to stay in Bantry in addition to the 8 hours in a bus with the added expectation that I would only see her for an hour or so, and too add to which if I go to Clare I might meet a girl that I met last weekend in Fermanagh, all of these things have made me decide not to go to see Carol, but I will feel unsetteled all weeeknd about it (unless I can climb something hard that will take me out of myself for a little while).

Ladt night I got really pissed, ate kebabs late, made a pact with Ed, bet a pint, the winner is the one who can stay on the wagon until September, see how long that lasts. Ahh life, don't talk to me about life


last,up,next.
My mornings are most precious to me: at early hours I travel enlightened, by bike, by bus, by train. I dance through flocks of eery people who fear their days, loathe their enslavement till 5 pm. There are some exceptions: people who seem to glow with purple delight, not unlike barney, but brighter. These must be tourists: their necks are somewhat bent under the weight of their cameras and they speak in the most exotic tongues, jealously I watch their mouths move ((so rapidly)).

Skipping down the hall of Den Haag Central Station I ran into Dead Guy. Now you have to understand that Dead Guy is not really a dead guy, but a wonderful, homeless guy who smells sickening. I first met him about 2 years ago, I bought one of his papers and we smoked a cigarette together while I waited for my train. It was freezing cold back then, that much I remember, and I also remember that he turned out to be a nice chap who would greet me every morning from then, untill he disappeared in June 2000 or thereabouts.

I honestly admit I had totally forgotten about Dead Guy, but he hadn't forgotten about me and while I was busy running into him he grabbed me, slew me, burnt me and offered me a cigarette. I quit smoking centuries ago but when people want to talk it's polite to smoke along. He told me that he had spent a year in Belgium and was eventually kicked out, when he got back in Holland he discovered that a friend of him had drowned, and that he was now busy looking for stuff. What that stuff was, he couldn't define. We departed and later I saw him waltzing down the horizon, sometimes collecting a piece of trash from the street, and his little waltz steps seemed light and happy even from such a great distance.

Time for a flashback. Yesterday night was horrible! So, I went out with the guy whose name I won't mention, let's call him Puffy. I always sort of pitied Puffy, he's got a nasty life and two stupid dogs. Oh, how romantic our petite restaurant, how sweet the food and how insanely annoying the two dogs he brought along. I actually spent the entire night running after dogs, trying to keep them from barking and protecting my food. Puffy seemed to have a great time, giggling he removed dog puke from his shoes while loudly bragging about his dogs and the prizes they had won. The absurdity of the situation only escalated when Puffy tried to walk me home and his dogs ran away, so he disappeared into the night shouting for his stupid dogs. Blissfully I entered my home to be greeted by my two smart cats.

Hurray, time for my lunch break! To see colleagues eat fish sticks is immense fun, you won't believe how many fish sticks they manage to stick into their mouths at the same time. (Current record is eight fish sticks, I tell ye. Eight fish sticks!).

Today, at 5pm, I handed in my pager to the hospital switchboard so they can redistribute it to someone else. It felt weird - giving up the way I am contacted in hospital ... like giving up work. Why? I'm going away for a holiday. Three weeks away. Visiting Singapore, Malaysia, Holland and England. Time to spend away from work. Time to visit friends, family and girls I have not seen for a long time.

Even after turning in my pager, I ended up back in the wards, fixing up little things before I left - though I was knew I could not be paged, I could not overcome the feeling that I was leaving something undone which should have been done. Were there any tests that I should have requested/ordered for any patients over the weekend? Were any medication charts left filled incorrectly? Did I leave behind anything treatable that I forgot to treat? Was anyone going to die because of my folly? There was going to be no opportunity to fix the problem next week - I could only hope that the team taking over will figure everything out and make sure everything is fine.

I'm sure my patients will not die. Well, most of them, anyway. One might. He was whisked away to the ICU from th Emergency Department because he was that sick, so he was never really my responsibility ...



One thing that the E2 node tracker at cowofdoom.com told me today was that my writeup on It's better to have loved and lost... has been voted on (and presumably, read). The last time I got a good answer to this question, it was from a 14 year old girl from a couple of lifetimes ago. It's been about 6 years since I last saw her in person but we'll be crossing paths again in one week's time - somewhere far, far away from where I saw her and certainly under a very different situation from that I could have then imagined.

I took a long look in the mirror this morning. Since I was to tired to react to anything it took me until after showering to realize that buying plastic bags from the grocery store is no longer necessary. I can actually use the big blue bags hanging right under my eyes to carry home my milk and cigarettes. Needless to say I need to catch up on some sleep this holiday. It's not possible to work all day and get paid and staying up all night working on the computer and not get paid. If I got paid at night it might be possible by using all my power to seize every little piece of greed that lives within me. Anyway, it was a nice day at work. A lot of people came by and said hi after returning from their vacations. I'm going to catch some sleep now so I can manage another Friday night. By the way, fall is now slowly sneaking inside Stockholm's city limits...

i feel so fucking insane if i sit still and i feel even worse rocking back and forth like this, i don't know how i'm going to do this, leave again. it doesn't get easier. nothing changes there, maybe the windows or the floor but everyone is the same and i love them but how did i get so trapped. i wish it dind't just hurt.

my head doesn't click with heads there, and the ones that do seem to are just as bad as mine.

and just look what this does to me, i need something.

i guess it had been quite a while since i had a break down, perhaps it was time again. sigh.

Full of anxiety on a low level today - and let's face it, have been for quite some time. Since integration, to be precise. How do you normals deal with it? I hate it, it's stupid beyond belief. I have nothing, nothing, nothing to be anxious about!

Sigh. It gets better when I am busy, cause I'm too busy to notice it. And when I exercise in some format, but especially yoga makes it go away for a while. It's non-specific, and very low level. But it is annoying to have this anxiety just hover about on little wings, buzzing in my ears and my brain.

I went to an orthopedic surgeon today about my knees. He referred me to a sports specialist and microsurgery (I can't spell the other word he actually used, much less pronounce it) looks very plausible. I feel very horrible about it though, because I've been in worse pain in my life and didn't have surgery then. Of course, I've done my bit as my previous doctor asked - lost weight and gained leg strength, so surgery is a good idea now. I didn't realize my kneecaps were actually grating against bone when I go up stairs. Now I understand why it hurts.

Congratulations TheBooBooKitty on your birthday. I have a busy weekend ahead of me, am feeling kind of sad today, sort of blah, I don't really know why. I do know that I have stopped journaling as much as I was, primarily due to two factors: I've become insanely busy at work so the hour I used to futz around on E2 is gone and second, I know too many people IRL on E2 and don't want to put them in here, etc., etc., etc. Just remember, kiddies, noding about your life on E2 is not always the bestest thing in the whole wide world to do.

I had a wierd experience last night - I didn't know how to handle it. One of my dearest friends, my ex-boyfriend, M. has lost one of his friends - they had a major falling out a few months ago. She and I are friends too, and last night all three of us were together at a gathering. He asked her for a moment of her time - trying to make up with her for the fourth or fifth time (that's right, he just wasn't getting that it was over) and she brushed by him and said no. She just left, ignored his pleas and got out. I was right there - had no idea what to do, it was none of my business of course, so I actually ducked in a bathroom to hide. I came out a minute later and both were gone. Whew! I felt so bad. I had to drive her home (it was prearranged) and we said nothing on the whole ride home. I called him when I dropped her off to see how he was doing. He was fine, he said. It felt awful to watch one of my closest friends get slapped like that - even if he did ask for it.



Drive-by downvoting - thank you dear!!

Request for Comment
regarding

an E2 Mini-Gathering during Comdex, 2001 in Las Vegas

I am going to Comdex-Las Vegas this year, and I am under the understanding that, since any E2'ers are of technology disciplines as well, a number of other Noders might be there as well. This is why I propose we arrange a sub-Gathering during Comdex week.

Why? Because many noders live in areas where the E2 population is slim-to-nonexistant, and I would like the chance to meet people since we're going to be close to each other anyway.

Therefore I'd like to put this out on the table as an idea; However, I am not a veteran Comdex'er, so it might be better if a person seasoned of Las Vegas handles the actual 'organizing'.

Comdex Fall (Las Vegas) will be held November 12-16 2001 in the LA Convention Center and Sands Convention Center. Please /msg me for any insights, or feel free to create a new 'Noder Gathering' node if you feel so inclined.

All I ever do in daylogs is whine about the same old girl...

...Long, dramatic pause...

As if today would be any different?

Late at night, I visit her webpage and see her photos.
In my head I sing this:

	I found a picture of you
	Those were the happiest days of my life
	Like a break in the battle was your part
	In the wretched life of a lonely heart

My e-mail remains unanswered, and not cared for.  I sing:

	So I look in your direction
	But you pay me no attention
	Do you?

	I know you don't listen to me
	Because you say you see right through me
	Don't you?

	...

	So you know how much I need you
	But you never even see me with you

I get drunk.  I get depressed.  I put on Yellow by Coldplay.  What I always considered to be our song.

And then how could anyone love me whose life is so typical and cliche that it can be summed up by a list of songs? I can't even just define my own life without such crutches. I guess I can't blame you for losing interest in that case.

Road Trip to Carolina

So my boss has been talking this up for the past two weeks. Road trip to NC, boating with bikinis, and bloating with beer.

So first you must understand that People have a tenditcy to drink and drive in the east...

As we finish work at 10pm, 3 or us: Dexter (28 year old boss) Jude (Dex's roomate) and I load up for the 6hr drive. Not being the owner I assume Im in the back. NOT SO FAST.

"FNG, dude... fucking new guy. You're here to drive."

"Ohhh?" (Six hours???) I offer a comprimise, we will allow chance to decide. Taking a chapter out of "Stand By Me" I pull out three quarters.

"odd man out." I say

tails, tails, heads... and with that Dexter finds himslef behind the wheel.

Now you must understand that because people drink on the road, talking on the cell phone seems rather tame. But Dex is a professional... he is still not done with work and has to make a call to Mark in Portalnd. Merging with traffic, I see dex has cell phone on shoulder, papers in one hand (did I mention he had to read?), and Corrona in the other. I squeeze my lime and think "when in Rome..."

A few cars speed by, "wine guzzling chariot drivers ..."

My heart beats a little slower when Dex refuses a second round. Apparently the open container laws arent quite as strict here... Jude and I continue...

4:20am. Sleep.

The next day we spend time boating and what do you know... drinking beer!

I realize I have no sunscreen, I get handed a half-inch cylinder with some white substance inside.

"Did you just give me a glue stick," I ask.

Apparently it is some serious nutrogena stuff. It was only ment for small surfaces... a nose for instance.

After 2 min of application I have covered my nose, my forehead, and the top of either shoulder. That is when I gave up.

Thinking back someone did tell me to watch out for the sun... If I had a dermatologist he would be very disapointed with me.

That night we went to watch a semipro soccer game. Dex's friend Chris is also the GM of the Hammerheads and promise us VIP status.

Continuing with the theme of the road trip we decide that it would be a shame if we allowed a hard earned afternoon buzz wear off before we go out that night.

We would need something more refreshing than they were serving at the consessions stand. Finally something I had experience with. Neither of my colleges thought I would make it inside with a 5th of burbon, but my keen sense told me that the 14 year old girl taking tickets would not question a man such as myslef.

After a half hour spent at the VIP tent gorging on everything fried under the sun (minus my back) we adjourned with 7ups to the VIP bleachers (which are just like the non VIP bleachers only that they are in the middle)

At this point I would like to thank Sprint for sponsoring the Hammerheads, and providing descrete squeeze bottles, which when full of Jim Bean look remarkably similar to ice tea.

The game was great. (uhh we won)

Towards the end Eric, the owner of the boat we were out in earlier, (we had not yet met him) joined us for a round.

He mentioned touring downtown in the flashy electric blue mustang convertable parked just behind the bleachers.

Now I must mention, that at no point were any of us appearing drunk. given the thrust of this email I could see how you might think that we were not in complete controll of our own persons. Therefore I must remind you that we were drinking to sustain a mild buzz. As veterans of the day long inhebreation olympics we knew to savor the evening.

As it came time to leave my associates went to releave themselves in the portable toilets beind the bleachers where I had turned a 5th of burbon into a social ice tea (water into wine... not quite, but I'm on my way).

while stopping to top my drink off I noticed a pair of campus police 100 yards away, leaning up against a white convertable.

"oooooohhhhh" I said, as I tried casualy walk away.

Dex and I were waiting for Eric by his convertable discussing the virtues of manual shifting for sporty cars when Jude noticed two onimous looking security types approacing.

With nija like stealth I discard the contents of my beverage. I turn to notice the remainder of the "ice tea" laying descretly on the back of the mustang.

"Good evening. How are you all doing tonight?"

"... Fine, sir... and you?

"We got a complint that 4 guys were drinking during the game and were planning on driving this veichle downtown so as to drink more."

"really," I say.

"Soccer Mom has foiled me yet again. That Bitch!" I think.

"May I see some ID, please?"

He looks at mine for a moment sees a fresh faced 17 year old with hair and a smirk that screams, "I have a wise mouth and know how to use it!"

He looks at me. I smile. The other officer opens the squeeze bottle and make the approprite face to let us know that he has smelled alcohol before.

"Did you realize that drinking on the campus is an arrestable offence?"

-now this sounds bad but is actually a good sign. He wants to let us know that he has the ability to make our weekend misearble. Campus police take a lot of flak and regularly need to remind students to respect his authority.

"No sir, we most certinly did not." --What a grevious error we made, however can we repay sociey?

"Which one of you is planning on driving this car?"

"Uhhh... our friend."

"Oh? Where is your friend now?

"He had some migling to do."

"Not polite of him to keep you waiting this long."

"With all do respect sir, given the situation, I'm not sure he will come back."

"Who is the owner of this car?"

"It's our friend's, sir."

"And what is your friend's name."

"... uhh" (seconds go by)

"...Eric."

the police wait a few seconds. Now to me what we just said sounded made up. I can only imagine what the fuzz thought.

into his shoulder mounted CB, "Run Noth Carolina plate, 258KSR."

-- You should know that my best party trick is to speak into my shoulder and sound like I'm on a CB, so you know what kind of pressure I am under to keep my mouth shut.

The dispatch squacks back to the popo... turns out none of us have a record in NC.

They never bother to card Eric, and as we wait for someone to drive us home the officers can help but ask what 2 residents from VA and one from Oregon are doing at a Carolina semipro soccer game?

"Drinking, sir," I think.

Dexter gives him the speel about intelligencepress.com and within 30 sec the police is asking questions about the market. Apparently our friend is an amatur trader.

He askes questions, Dexter makes up convincing sounding answers.

"There is a natural sineregy between a gas provider and a power producer so look for Enron to merge soon." sounds good to me.

"You know our option was to catch you driving and hand out a DUII. But you see like your just having a good time."

I say, "I appreciate when an officer can use their own judgement in a situation..." I go off for a min on the need for policej to be able to use their own descresion. He seemed to like that

"I agree." He hands back my ID with a sort grin. He looks one last time at my licence then my face and ponders what 6 years can do to a guy.

"Dont worry," I say pointing to my half inch image, "that guy in there is just a punk." I thought that was really funny but no one laughed.

"I think you shouldn't come back to the next game."

"What!!! HOW DARE YOU TRY AND KEEP ME FROM MY BELOVED HAMMERHEADS!" we all thought.

"ok" we said sheepishly.

In the end we Eric convinces one of the cheerleaders (one of the good looking cheerleaders) to drive us home. Because of my impressive girth (some might say "fat ass" or in some circles "pooper") I sat up front.

"It's automatic right?" she askes.

The cops follow; I take it all in for a moment and tell her how it has been a life long dream of mine to have a hammerhead cheerleader drive me away from campus security in a mustang convertable.

ok its late now... maybe you will get the rest tomorrow.

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