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Time: Fri, 1 Sep 2000 00:27:43 GMT
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8:05 BST

The final day of preparation before we leave for the tradeshow. Therefore, today will be stressful, hectic and angry. I can only hope that I don't forget anything...

Mental Note: I can only try.

My Mother gave me a lift into work today. It felt as though I was 12 again, because she had The Cure playing on her CD player. She used to play the cure when she was ferrying me around (as Mother's seem doomed to do...)

Hello September! How are you this year? :-)

10:10 BST

Well! I am running around, getting my laptop sorted out and downloading software I'm going to need. It's strange that normally I can download software with my eyes closed, but if there's a goal or a specific target? I start faffing, panicking and forgetting what I need.

10:30 BST

Oh, poo. The laptop I've been given has NT server on it, and I don't know the password!

13:15 BST

OK, I admit it. I'm terrified!

I've never been to a tradeshow, I haven't flown since my leg operation (could the pressure affect my pins?), I dislike travelling, I'm travelling alone, What will I wear?, What if I get lost?, will I have enough money?, How will I get around?

More later...

15:41 EET

Sonera - Make Things Suck
The net connections to Sonera were out for the entire workday. No E2, no IRC, no mail.. After spending 5 years online, I have clearly began to take the internet for granted. I felt so lonely and naked without all the porn.. um, information.

The boss has again been bitching about my working hours, and said they'd be enforcing a nazi schedule to my next contract. This time I told it straight to his face: if the "pay" (if you can even call it that) doesn't get any better, there's no way they'll get me to wake up hellishly early. Then again, if they really want their employees to be half-asleep at the office, so be it.
The above mentioned boss is always attacking me for stupid things. I have an IRC client running all the time - minimized for 90% of the day. To him, this means I'm doing nothing besides IRCing! Sheesh. His mere presence makes working here quite unpleasant. The new contracts should damn well be good, or it's adios to this crappy company.

All the crap I've taken at this slave labor camp has caused my mood to be nowhere near what it should be on a friday. Thankfully a good friend is coming over tonight. Maybe that will take my mind off the worries.

Oh, it's september already?
Well.. Where's the autumn then? The summer weathers still refuse to disappear. I guess all the other finns are ecstatic about this.
It is the first day of spring in Canberra, and I'm enjoying the rain outside.

Slow day. Met Arvind and Gemma at the Irish pub, ate good Thai, saw The Judas Kiss at the cinema.

Weekend is calling, and the voice is saying stay in bed.... drink plenty of coffee.... think slowly...

Thank you, s, for the gift.

Synopsis: A haze of guilt. Anxiety about death and endless possibilities.

Woke up today with the same stress and agitation I felt last night - sleep didn't help a bit. It was nice to hear from Natt, but I'm bothered by the thought of Samantha Pomeroy being utterly and completely missing, and by the fact that her parents haven't started to look for her yet, even though no one has heard a peep for almost two years. Sam was an oddie but I felt a strange connection with her - it would suck the biggest if she...I said yesterday that she's the kind of girl whose destiny is in several binliners, even though that was an accusation originally levelled at myself - Sam is younger than me, she looked up to me, and I feel as though I let her down by not warning her more sternly, or preventing her from going, or something.

Then this morning my mother told me about some protege of my aunt's, my age, who died last weekend when she was hit by a car while riding her bike.

So many dumb, strange ways to die.

I'm trying to get back in contact with people who have been dear in the past, start writing again, stop spending time with people who could care less about my well-being, but it's not simple when you have no sense of self outside of street-smarts. Also found out by email this morning that a girl I went to grade 7 and 8 with lives outside Kelowna with a husband and two kids.

So many weird, wonderful ways to live.

Work so unmentionably crap. Thinking, as I have done for the past fortnight, of nodes - How to hurt the Catholic Church more than It hurt you, the New Public Management, as well as an inspiration for a meta node to run past an editor. Need more books.

I'm tired, cranky, and ready to kill the next person that calls in to tell me that their e-mail is not working.

anm and his wife invited me to eat chineese at Szechuan's with them last night late. I went, and we had a really good time, but that meant that I had to stay up even later to get my house clean. Now, I am pissed and the whole world could disappear and I would not mind.

On the upside I do get a three day weekend here, so that'll be really nice to have.

Dear novalis: You're cute as hell, but if I click on any more intriguing random nodes and wind up with one of those damned Magic cards, I shall have to fling things at you. ( Why are all the best node titles Magic cards? )
It's raining, which is apparently unusual for this time of year in San Francisco. It's not helping me wake up at any rate. Joined in a casual carpool and spent the ride over talking with a very well-educated and well-spoken man from Zambia.
My boyfriend gave his first official lecture yesterday. Rowr! Intelligence is sexy; combined with academia it's pretty irresistible. (Um, maybe it's just me.)
My favorite relatively new noders include girlotron, Whywait? and Evil Catullus. Thank heavens for them (and whoever I'm forgetting), because the teenybopper factor has been getting to me laterly. ... OOO, I got downvoted already. Well, in that case, I'm going to let the teenyboppers have it. FIRST OFF, I don't give a damn how old you are. We have plenty of thoughtful teenage noders. The problem is the really, really teenage noders (and this includes a number of 20- and 30-year-olds). Do you really think we care how often you get drunk/stoned/laid? Do we really care how totally trashed you are? Maybe this impresses your little friends, but nobody with two brain cells to rub together finds this admirable in the least. Most of us have already experienced our period of self-indulgent, self-destructive stupidity and realized how lame it was, or were never that stupid in the first place. Those of us who do indulge ourselves on various ways mostly either keep it to ourselves or find a way to make it interesting. PEOPLE: A DESCRIPTION OF YOUR LATEST TRIP IS NOT INTERESTING! I read someone's acid trip on here the other day that was practically word-for-word the same as one I remember from some 1968 science fiction story. Nor is a description of your latest drunken mauling. It just makes you look like an idiotic child, and contributes nothing to Everything. So grow up and get a life.

Ahem. I'm better now. Honest.


OK, a damn busy day and I'm still feeling bad...

Anyway, cool stuff:

  • Got MechWarrior 3. This game rocks. It really does.
  • I downloaded the Wacom drivers. Now Win98SE boots a bit faster, but it's still damn slow. Downloaded the Sidewinder software but it still refuses to find my Sidewinder 3D Pro.
  • Got Enigma's MCMXC a.d.... this thing rocks, too.

Microsoft's software naming is kind of odd. Now I don't know if I have downloaded joystick drivers or drivers for air-to-air missiles... Who knows, maybe MS just needed to aquire USAF in order to make Combat Flight Simulator. =)

The last CD is remarkable: The first CD I've bought due to Napsterizing, and the first CD I used CDDB/FreeDB with.

Note that it's not the first CD I've bought because of MP3 stuff: The first CD I bought because of music found from the net was U2's collection CD (Active Worlds had "New Year's Day" as the background music - as MIDI! - so I later got the MP3 via FTP sitez, and then later I got U2's record.) Hmmmmm... or did I get Metallica's Black Album before this one? Can't remember...

Oh, break: The appropriate Sonera joke isn't "Make Things Suck"; All you need to do is to translate "Make Things Click" as "Ja Jossain Klikkaa". =)


I'm using the CD-ROM drive headphone output thing first time in n+5 years. HDD is full of all sorts of unnecessary stuff (like ~1GB of MP3s and OGGs, so can't rip that CD yet...

Oh, why CD-ROM headphone connector? Well, turned CD volume up from mixer, but I still couldn't hear a thing... Strange hardware...

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today: MCMXC A.D. Active Worlds FreeDB

Amen Byzantine!!

Life is really good!

I was late for gym and Howard reminded me that.....'class starts at 8:30 ! '
uh oh I thought.
'Still, he continued, there's always room for pretty girls! He cracks us all up !

I counted the number of sit ups the instructor had us do and it around the range of 260. We do them for about 7 minutes every class. I was sorry I counted them last week because it then became a bit overwhelming to start them and know how many I was going to be doing. Now the feeling has evolved to 'wow there was a time I couldn't even do one.' I watched Howard today and he did every single one of them! Amazing!


I was taking Number One Son home from work at the Universty of Arizona Library
hehe He says, 'It's the only building on campus that's not red brick.'
Anyway on the way home driving down 6th Ave. we experienced a Carlosian Sighting ! It may count as a Carlosian Encounter of the Third Kind as it seems to fit all the criteria. It was confirmed by Carlos that, though this is a rarity, indeed it was him. At any rate Number One Son is still wary of the Baron of Darkness and thus the idea for the The Guide to Field Indentifications of BaronCarlos just fell out of nowhere. Hopefully, it will help the newer noders get to know this often misunderstood man as well.

Dad and I had a great lunch at the Gormet of China yesterday. There werr three buffets to choose from. My dad returned to the table laughing and telling me that the hostess had seated 'his wife' (meaning me!) in the back! He assured me he corrected her. Dad suffered a slipped disc in his thirties as a result of training in the use of ejection seats as a pilot.
(See ~Martin-Baker Fan Club).
He was told he would never go back on flying status again because after surgery to remove several discs and relieve a great deal of pain he couldn't pass the physical to go back to flying. Needless to say he proved the predictions wrong and has excercised every day since to keep his back in shape. He really set the example for me when I was a little girl and because of this he looks much younger than his years. I'm sure he was very flattered by the young hostess and deserves it! I couldn't believe it....we were talking about Number One Son taking Trig and my dad's telling me how took a math class at the U of A and just couldn't make any sense out of the equations he was trying to learn. He says my ineptitudes with math must have been genetically inherited from him.
Then he proceeds to lift his water glass up off of the napkin he had set it on to catch the moisture forming on the outside of the glass from the humidity and says triumphantly,

Look! He smiles and asks me , Now why do you suppose that the napkin is not sticking to the glass?

Well I tell him some about the water being conducted down the napkin by gravity and that's why it sticks.

But, he says again, Why isn't the napkin sticking to my glass and it sticks to yours?

He lifts my glass to show me. I can't think of any reason why this was happening. So he demonstrstes his discovery that when he shakes some salt onto the napkin this prevents the napkin from sticking.

All this from a man who says he doesn't understand math! I hope I'm still into learning new things and making discoveries like that when I'm his age!

Dad did relate some sad news to me about my sister. She had called earlier crying because of some serious family problems. It made what I went through last week seem like a cake walk. I'm worried and I hope things will work out well for her. Parenting is always fly by the seat of your pants job.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God.
- 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7 (NRSV)


Had what I think was a great idea yesterday: how come mobile phones don't take wav files? I was talking with someone and nearby a cell phone went off, playing some lame melody rather than a ring, and I thought, why don't cell phones use wav files? I mean, you could load any file you wanted: a toilet flushing, Homer Simpson's DOH!, Hal's voice saying "Dave?"... the possibilities are literally endless.

It's Friday. Hooray?

I didn't get the job doing technical support. It went to someone else with more UNIX experience. I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad. I didn't really want the job that much, but I wanted to feel needed. I want you to want me, or something like that. I do have an interview for the job I really want on Tuesday. Wish me luck.

I made a big list of things I have to do around my apartment, and I am going to make myself do at least three every day, except possibly the weekend when I spent time with my boyfriend. I succeeded yesterday. I did half the dishes, picked up half the living room, took out the trash/recycling, and cleaned off the dining room table, plus filed away all my paid bills that were piled up. That counts as about four. I'm going to finish the dishes today, scrub the counters, scrub the floor, and begin to tackle the bathroom. Sometimes I wish I was as compulsively neat as my sister is. If not that, then I wish I could afford a maid to do the vacuuming and scrubbing. I hate doing that stuff.

Tonight I am very busy, and of course this means that I get my period this morning. Currently, I feel like total crap, but I am determined that once the Advil kicks in I will get off my ass, away from the computer, and into the swing of things. I really hate being a girl sometimes. I also have to make a semi-emergency run to the drugstore for "supplies". No big deal - I'll just go when I go to the post office to pick up my mail. Having a PO Box is a lot more convenient when you are working. I would just pick up my mail on the way home. Now, I have to make a special trip to get it every day. Oh well, I'm usually going to the PO anyway to mail resumes.

First off tonight - dinner at Mom's house with my boyfriend, my sister, and her AOL boyfriend Todd that she is moving in with. That should be pretty cool, as long as Alex (my boyfriend) is social tonight instead of being quiet. He has a tendency to be quiet and shy around people he doesn't know all that well, even though he's met my mom, sister, and Todd more than once. Hell, he goes over to the auto parts store that Todd works at all the time to get parts for his Dodge. I just want him to participate more and be happy. I want my mom and sister to see the Alex I know, which is a funny, silly, and very cool guy to be with.

Second thing tonight - housewarming party at Aaron's house. Aaron is Alex's best friend. I like Aaron a lot. He is very cool, funny, and seems to like me. He likes me enough to get my PO Box number from Alex and send me an invitation instead of just telling Alex to bring me along. I thought that was very cool. The invitations were a parody of the old Tales from the Crypt comics. I loved it. Let's hope that Celeste (Aaron's girlfriend) is nice to me tonight. Every time we go out and do something with Aaron and Celeste, Celeste basically pretends that I don't exist. I've tried very hard to be nice to her, but her hipper-than-thou attitude really bugs me, and half the time I haven't seen the movies or read the books that she insists on talking about. Alex usually has, and of course Aaron has, which leaves me sitting there being quiet and feeling left out. Hopefully, this won't be that bad since there will be lots of people there, but who knows - it might be a whole crowd of hipper-than-thou people and I'll be miserable the whole night. I'm determined to make the best of it though.

Here's another reason why this party could get nasty - one of Alex's ex-girlfriends who is still kind of hung up on him might be there. The last party that Celeste had, I was not allowed to come to because this girl (Stevie I think her name is) was going to be there and Celeste and Stevie are friends, and she didn't want Stevie upset. I tried really hard not to let that get to me, but it did anyway. Talk about childish - geez... you'd think that we were all teenagers in high school, but no, I'll probably be one of the youngest people there and I'm 27. Here's the other thing that's childish about this - Alex and Stevie broke up over a year ago. They broke up about 6 months before he met me, and we've been together about 10 months. All I have to say is GET OVER HIM ALREADY! I'm coming to this party since its at Aaron's place, Aaron likes me, and I think Alex made it clear the last time that the idea of not letting me come to the party was not cool.

I will put on my best nice-girl face and be pleasant to everyone. I will try not to feel fat and stupid around a bunch of skinny hipster girls. I will not get drunk and say rude things. I will only have one drink since drinking will probably not go well with my medications.

I got the rest of the clothes I ordered online in the mail yesterday. I still need to try them all on and hope that I don't have to send them back. I will do that after I do all my cleaning around the house and take a shower. Perhaps I will then have the perfect hipster outfit to wear tonight. Probably not though. Blah.

I'll attempt to write a day log this weekend and spew forth the party details and any fun stories if there are any. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Nodes That I Wrote Recently:
straight girls who go to strip clubs
Why is masturbating disapproved of by some religions and societies?
Dream Log: September 1, 2000

CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
Garbage - self titled
Fiona Apple - Tidal

Today’s Horoscope on my Calendar - Don't live too high on the hog. Overdosing on any level is dangerous as Jupiter blocks the Sun. You can still accomplish wonders in business and education, but know your limits. Give extra strokes to distraught loved ones.

It's my last day at work. This feels like it's going to be one of those big turning points in my life, something I judge time by. That makes me feel older.

My employer decided to take everyone out for pizza as a going away present for me. We ate and talked, mostly about a trip that two of my co-workers had just come back from. As we were walking back to work though, one of my co-workers said something about how all the really nice people in the world were gay. She then turned to me and asked jokingly, "So, do you have something to tell us?"

Actually, I knew that I had wanted to tell them ever since I started coming out that I was gay, they're really great people. I also knew that there were other people in the office that might not be so cool. In or out of the office, the question never came up, so I never said anything, but since I trusted everyone there I just said, "Yeah, I'm gay". Being an idiot, I tried to say it as non-chalontly as possible and failed, so at first they thought I was joking. I had to actually say, "No, seriously, I'm gay".

I still don't know if that's what I should have done. I could have just laughed it off, it wasn't a serious question at all. I still probably would have felt bad though, I would have felt like I lied to them. Of course, my sexuality is really no concern of theirs anyhow . . .

I don't know, sometimes I just feel so damned confused. I hate the way society makes the biggest fuss about the littlest things. So what if I like to sleep with guys? The only thing that changes is the amount of people I get to sleep with (which is another, slightly more depressing, story altogether).

I'm scared, confused, tired and it's raining really hard. I'm glad I don't have to work again for a long time.

Today's music selection:

Squarepusher - Feed Me Weird Things
Beastie Boys Anthology: The Sounds of Science, both discs
The Prodigy - Music for the Jilted Generation
Muse - Showbiz
Tori Amos - From the Choirgirl Hotel
Zoobombs - Welcome Back Zoobombs
Cassius - 1999

I'm not one to complain about the general condition of my day but sometimes there is a particularly overwhelmingly bad day that gets me peeved. This is one of those days. I woke up this morning with a hangover. Thats not the worst beginining the day could have had but unfortunately it didn't stop there. I looked out my window to see the worst rain storm in probably three months. "Good, great, wonderful, well I won't let this get to me." This is what I told myself as I hauled my Jack Daniels scented carcass out of bed. I took a shower that really didn't feel like it made me any cleaner but that is a whole other story. Then I called to find out if there was anywhere to park my car on campus as opposed to taking the public transit which would only cause me to be soaked to the bone by the time I got to the campus. Then as if the whole world decided to bend me over a table and ram me up the ass, auxillary services informed me that you have to be registered to use the pay parking and it takes 48 hours to register. At this point I nearly exploded. The day is almost over and in conclusion I have spent a large portion of it soaking wet. But that is okay because I get to go home and see my best female friend which is the closest thing I have to a girlfriend right now. I will enjoy my evening and maybe watch some anime. Ahhhhh(sigh of relief) even bad days come out good.

Today has been uneventful yet enjoyable. I woke up at 6:20 as usual, and was about to get up when I remembered there was nothing to do until one in the afternoon. I threw my alarm clock out into the hallway and went back to sleep. Had some nightmare about not being able to turn left at the Lakewood and River intersection. Must have been late for something. Got out of bed, had some ice cream and bread for breakfast, took my meds, and went back to sleep. Dreamless.

Got up for French class at one, stopped by the bank and deposited my hefty paychecks from the past two weeks. Madame Chapuis asked each person to explain the last movie we saw in the theatre in front of the class. That took almost the whole time. I tried to explain the complexities of X-Men, but no one appreciated my efforts. It was insufferably hot in the class room, and everyone was miserable. Thankfully I got out of there alive.

Stopped by admissions to ask for directions to the college bookstore, which wasn't such a lengthy walk from Graves Hall as I had feared. I needed at least six books for one class, but only one was there. The rest won't be in until the middle of next week. Right. But just that one book cost $52.95. I wanted to choke something. What right do they have to require me to buy their books and pay obscene amounts of money for them? With as much as the frickin class costs, you'd think books would be indluded. Sigh. That was the most frustrating part of the day by far.

Got home and decided to wash my car to waste time. After spending so much on a book, I was about to go spend seven more bucks on a carwash. Got some soap and dragged the hose over to the driveway. Had a ball watching the little streams of water run down the street, carrying little soap bubbles and various other things away. I was done in no time.

Beeped my boyfriend's Nextel when I got back inside, talked to him for a little bit. He left to go back to school last week. Or maybe it was this week. It seems like ages ago. Miss him a lot. Pathetic, I know, but I love the guy. We'll make it though. We always do.

The first of a new month. This, by my calender, is the 9th month of the year. Summer is over. August has passed. The girl I love has left. By this time next year, she will have been back for about 2 months. It hurts me, but never my love. Ten months won't phaze my love, nor would ten years.
Reference: Her Name Was Natalie
I went to bed last night with a serious list of things I wanted to get done today. It's now 2:00 in the afternoon, and bless my procrastinating heart, I haven't a damn thing on the list. In fact, the only thing I really feel like doing right now is gettting in my car and driving up to Magic Mountain to ride some roller coasters. I can't do that, however, because I have to go to the tire place first and have my tire looked at.

Amusement parks are good therapy. You pay about the same amount of money to get into one of them as you do for an hour of spilling your guts to some bespectacled ass who tells you you're fucked up in the head. Thanks, I already knew that. In my book, that money is much better spent riding roller coasters and tilt-a-whirls and eating really greasy food. Plus, I get to spend a whole day screaming while I plunge down a 250 foot drop, instead of spending only one hour screaming as my self-esteem drops. I think there's a deeper meaning in the irony of therapy vs. theme parks, but I can't explore it right now because I have to go get my fucking tire fixed.

Slappy's Smkoe Log:
Smokes Today: 14
updated 1513 2 Sep 2000

bad bad bad night... got drunk, bought a pack.

bad bad bad...

friday, sept. 1st, 2000

I wake up after having a bad dream, but things are going to get better. Just because I have a bad dream, doesn't mean I'm going to have a bad day, right?

Out of bed, take a shower and get something to eat. I have some pizza because it's 11:30a.m. and I'm hungry. I think about all my plans for the day. Something interesting must be happening in my life. I look at my schedule and see:

Friday, september 1, 2000.
Work: 4-9

Gee, what an exciting day I'm really going to have. Well, works not that bad. My day isn't totally ruined.

A little while later get a call and plan to go to my friends house to watch a movie after work! See, I knew things would get better for me.
A couple minutes goes by and I hear the phone ring, I search for the cordless and pick it up. It's my aunt. She asks for my mom, she sounds pretty serious. I give the phone to my mom and then go back to my computer. A few minutes later I ask my mom whats wrong. She says, Uncle Johnny had a stroke, he's now in a comma. The doctor doesn't think he'll make it through the day. My dad comes home from work and my mom tells him the news. He hurry's up to work and tells them he can't stay. He comes home and makes some calls and soon my parents are off to the hospital, which is a couple of hours away.

My day hasn't been that great. I had to call out of work because I didn't have a ride home. I hang out all day just waiting for some feedback about my uncle. Eight o'clock comes and my brother calls looking for our parents. I tell him where they are and give him the number to the hospital. He calls me back and tells me the news. Uncle Johnny is internally bleeding in the brain and it doesn't look to good. They are waiting for his heart to go, cuz his brain is gone for good. I hang up the phone and go off to my friends house. I can't really concentrate on the movie, but I try anyways. I then leave for home, dropping off a friend first. I get to my house and my parents are home. Uncle Johnny is still alive, but they are going back tomorrow. He most likely won't make it through the night, but we will see tomorrow.

well today wasn't so great now was it? But maybe it will be all better tomorrow. Thats a wish that won't come true, but I wish it anyways, just to brighten up a dark bad day.

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