Synopsis: A haze of guilt. Anxiety about death and endless possibilities.

Woke up today with the same stress and agitation I felt last night - sleep didn't help a bit. It was nice to hear from Natt, but I'm bothered by the thought of Samantha Pomeroy being utterly and completely missing, and by the fact that her parents haven't started to look for her yet, even though no one has heard a peep for almost two years. Sam was an oddie but I felt a strange connection with her - it would suck the biggest if she...I said yesterday that she's the kind of girl whose destiny is in several binliners, even though that was an accusation originally levelled at myself - Sam is younger than me, she looked up to me, and I feel as though I let her down by not warning her more sternly, or preventing her from going, or something.

Then this morning my mother told me about some protege of my aunt's, my age, who died last weekend when she was hit by a car while riding her bike.

So many dumb, strange ways to die.

I'm trying to get back in contact with people who have been dear in the past, start writing again, stop spending time with people who could care less about my well-being, but it's not simple when you have no sense of self outside of street-smarts. Also found out by email this morning that a girl I went to grade 7 and 8 with lives outside Kelowna with a husband and two kids.

So many weird, wonderful ways to live.

Work so unmentionably crap. Thinking, as I have done for the past fortnight, of nodes - How to hurt the Catholic Church more than It hurt you, the New Public Management, as well as an inspiration for a meta node to run past an editor. Need more books.