Well last night I was at a friend’s house clearpebbles is the name. I was there in her room watching some anime and voting up some people’s w\u. I looked at her ropero (Spanish don’t know what you call them in English) and I saw the drumstick I gave her. This wasn’t an ordinary drumstick you see I went trough allot of pain to get it. This drumstick was signed by all the members of a punk band called strung out they were touring with papa roach. It was the end of there set and the drummer threw the sticks out to the crowd and well me being six foot three had the height advantage and got it but shit the pain from all those short people hitting me so I could drop it sucked I was getting elbows to the spine and fist hitting my hand bruises were the result but it was all good. I didn’t let her know I was going to give it to her so all though the show I had it in my pants it hurt because it was splintered from were he would hit the cymbals and it was stabbing my tummy. After the show we went to the back were the band has their busses and well they were giving out autographs and well I got them to sign this drumstick. After that we went home we dropped off one of our friends and headed home. As soon as we got to her house I got off and opened the gate so she can go in she went in her car and I got my stuff. I looked at her and then down she saw me look at her and it was one of those I like you looks yea you know the ones so I look at her and then the drumstick and I say here I got this for you. She said “no I see the pain you go trough to get the stuff you get at concerts and its yours you got it” I said but this I got it for you and she said Rey no you got not me and I said I am just going to leave it here and that was that. She did take it but I never heard a thank you from her. I wonder why.

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Time: Tue, 12 Dec 2000 00:19:51 GMT
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Number of nodes: 774861 (1152 new since December 11, 2000 [954.5 wa7])
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Node to user ratio: 36.278 nodes per user
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JeffMagnus node count: 4073 (2 new since December 11, 2000)
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JeffMagnus node of the day: http://slashdot.msn.com/


I've been asking myself lately..what do I mean to Nate? Sure I flew to Ny from Texas to see him. Where did it get me? He constantly ignores me. He calls me when he feels like he is losing me. I'm jsut lost. I feel isolated from everyone because of him. I really like him. I enjoy talking to him. the few times that i do talk to him my day gets so much better. We did have a fun time in ny. it was one of the happiest times of my life. We had a blast, and when we slept we did hold eachother in our arms and it felt perfect. He asked me to be with him. I said no, and later said yes. Now where are we? I think that now that he has me, he isn't interested. perhaps I need to move on, or wait for him to come around. Who knows?
That's about all I was thinking about today. I went to work with my mom. We went out for lunch. I also returned Juan his tail gate from out car wars. more to node later...

note: not e2 nate
See, Matthew has a social life after all...(well, sort of)

I'd been hesitating about it all day. After classes, I finnaly got myself to stop worrying about something so small and asked my friend Jenna out on a date this weekend. To my surprise, she said she would (and that she'd bring a friend of hers...more people is more fun). My god it feels good tobe able to actually ask a girl out...maybe I'm finnaly getting over that antisocial thing.

Probably not. But it's good to dream, eh?

I also found out my design for the Young Artists and Writers Society T-shirt will be used...Yeah! I spent untold hours trying to draw it well plus an hour or so of work in Paint Shop Pro to make it look extra-spiffy. Feels good to know I've done something cool.

Anyway, that's all. Oh, and I'm an edev member, but you don't care about that. Exams are starting to appear over the horizon, time for me to not worry about them. Till tomorrow then.

Softly falling flakes of snow, glittering in the sun of a clear sky. Children playing in the ankle deep blanket covering the earth, rosy cheeked and quietly enjoying winter’s beauty.

The hell you talking about?

Not here. The snow billows from the sky in huge, wet chunks, landing in enormous mounds of ice and potentially fatal piles of white slush. The cold chases all but the insane to seek shelter and sit on registers (after kicking the cat off it first). The lucky ones have fire. Even the smokers stay inside today.

We got sent home from school an hour early due to the heavy snowfall. Just what every driver needs – a couple hundred high school students on the road in a blizzard, trying to learn how the brakes work on black ice. The stupid ones do donuts in the intersections, just to see what it feels like. Everyone else just tries to avoid people like them.

I played my first game of review basketball today in Mr. Knoll’s class. I have been absent every Monday since school started, through no fault of my own. We lost.

Napped for a few hours of the afternoon, and then ate some rice for dinner. It matched my lunch rather well (a tiny cup of lettuce). Maybe I should eat less coconut chocolate candies in between classes, huh? I’ll regret the way I eat some day, but I’m gonna enjoy all the extra junk while I’m still stupid enough to get away with it. McDonalds and Taco Bell for lunch every day, candy, pop, and endless batches of pancakes. Not to mention the ever-flowing Dole pineapple orange juice. And some occasional gummi octopi from the local Shell station. Mmmmm. Heart disease potential? Zero.

I’m in denial.

I was in the process of creating a cd for my brother for Christmas. Napster is being a bitch, so I suppose this will have to be delayed yet again. Adam just got a new car for his sixteenth birthday and plans on filling the trunk with sub woofers. He put me in charge of creating a worthy bass compilation cd to test his new system. An honor, I must say.

When it stopped snowing for a few minutes, I threw the frisbee around with Gus. He loves the snow. It accents his dirty white coloring, making the snow look impossibly clean. I soon tired and became quite frozen, so we retreated back to the safety of a heating pad and a fake fire.

I apologize for the randomness of this write up. I blame the Wu-Tang Clan distractions floating around in the background of my consciousness.

I hate my professors. Actually, I hate one professor right now.

Last week: Yes, the final is open book and open note.

This afternoon: What are you talking about? I never said the test was open book ...

Now, you must be anxiously wondering, when is the test? In an hour.

I have offically reached the "fuck it" point - the one every finals-taking student gets to where they just wonder "What good will this do me? I'm screwed anyway."

So, they play on their computers and listen to CDs - some even start drinking before the test, just to make it that much more fun to take.

I hate finals.

However, the new development of the cute girl and my newfound ability to ignore how my roommates neglect, abuse, or take advantage of me are both helping me not take to my old theory that there's nothing wrong with me that a clocktower and an automatic weapon couldn't fix.


4 days until finals are done.
8 days until I go back to Montana.
15 days until Hawaii.

I'll make it. I think.

8:30 PM: Attempt to document the haze that is my life.

This is what my life consists of:

* Living at home (commuting to college)
  * Depressed single mother with no job / ambition.
    * For at least 4 years
    * Golddigger? (I hate to say it)
    * Drinks 3-4 liters of diet Dr. Pepper a day
  * Aging Geologist father cannot support me, my mother
    and himself living in seperate homes.
  * Future: Land job with GSIPP program and leap to 
    financial independence? (Still waiting for a call.)

* Putting up with both parents
  * Divorced but living together
    * For the holidays
  * Dislike sounds of parent's voices
    * Require earplugs to sleep
  * Distrust parents

* Confusion about (female name).
  * Are we still together? (I doubt it.)
  * Unsure if I am too overbearing
  * Unsure if I am too offputting
  * Unsure if she is interested anymore
    * She hasn't called recently but I know she really
      does have a busy schedule
  * Unsure if I am interested anymore
    * Mutual activities have reduced to 0 since this summer
  * Miss her too much
  * Afriad relationship is based on need, not want

* Loneliness
  * 3 friends
    * #1
      * Friend
      * Do not know why but I have not wanted to speak or
        do things with him recently
    * #2
      * Halfway between friend and acquaintance
    * #3
      * The same (female name).
    * Extreme amount of boredom
    * Feelings locked inside
    * Thoughts reverbating in my mind --> instability

* Activities
  * Technology
    * Great interest has waned almost completely over the
      last year.
      * Not learning new things.
      * Only use computer for www, email, and IM.
        * Only IM 3 friends + 1 more (who I don't see
      * Find advancing programming knowledge useless
        * No ideas for writing a fulfulling program
     * Unsure about current CS major
       * Can do CS and math work quite easily
         but it means nothing / not fulfilling
       * Other possible option: design (specifically
         visual: print and perhaps web)
         * No experience
         * Difficult to get started
         * Currently going to a technical school on
           scholarship (arts department lacking)
         * I am not a very aesthetic person
  * Music
    * Guitars have gone virtually untouched at least
      6 months.
    * Keyboard has gone virtually untouched at least
      9 months.
    * When I attempt to play either one I only play the
      same tunes I have played 1,000,000 times before and
      never try to learn anything new.
   * Card Games
     * Enjoy 2 card games but I only play online = not
     * Ultimately only a distraction from getting all
       this sorted out and a distraction from my life
   * Daily activities (websurfing, watching tv, listening
     to music)
     * Only idles away time
     * I receive many messages over the course of a day
       but barely put out any.
       * Lurk on sites.
       * Only speak to 
         * 3 friends occasionally
         * Parents on a daily basis
       * This is the first time I've written something
         on my own accord in a long time
       * Only email the same 3 friends very rarely
    * Don't know how to enjoy myself
      * Unable to find creative expression
      * Unable to find enjoyable activities
      * Unable to enjoy things

* Attitude
  * I don't see any way out
  * Self defeating
  * High level of anxiety
  * Don't know what to do
  * Reflection leads me to the virge of tears
  * Constantly second guessing self
    * Am I doing this for attention?
    * Should I let anyone know?
      * I would tell myself to shut the fuck up
        * But I still don't know how to get out of this rut
Ah... another day under the belt. That's.... well to many to count on my fingers and toes let me tell you! Good day overall.... found out that I'm getti...... wait. I'll put that in...

Notable Notabes

  • Found out I can get a Duron 650Mhz today. Any board too.... I'm a lucky ass to say the least! Anyway... 650 is good... ya?!?
  • My bud's K6-3 550 laptop got a virus. Bad stuff... it was a kid in his class he T.A.'s for. Bad stuff. He's pressing charges. He's pissed.
  • Life was pretty much normal.

    Wonder about tomarrow.... ehrm..........

  • It is a good thing to be friends with one's ex. I had a fairly long conversation online with mine; I was feeling pretty good. We don't have the greatest history, but things seem pretty normal at the moment. My girlfriend's ex, on the other hand, is not on such good terms with her... He and his crazy mafioso friend have been giving her grief. Funny, because it used to be the other way around... Given that we acquired them at the same time, they used to be fairly friendly, and my ex-girlfriend wanted to kill me.

    It's odd... I used to find the whole suggestion of "Let's just be friends" inconceivable... How could you go back to a situation after having felt so strongly? But here I am. I guess I oughtta listen to chicks about that kind of stuff more often.

    I am venting once again...

    I haven't started studying for my biology final on wednesday, I really should considering it's 75% of my grade, but I just can't seem to concentrate. It seems like everything bad is happening to me during this week, these few days. Of course I know many many people out there have it much worse off than I do, but that doesn't make ME feel any better because I still feel crappy. Loneliness is definitely getting to me. As in my last daynode I vented about the two people I'm losing, the most important people. Nothing has changed, nothing is being resolved (in fact, I think it's gettin worse). I have never regretted decisions from the past because I made them considering the hurt that will be caused and if I am being fair to everybody. I tried to cause the least amount of hurt and to be most fair to everyone who would be affected by my decisions. Somehow all this is backfiring. Am I doing everything wrong??? Why are my decisions coming back to haunt me when I have spent so much time trying to make good ones. I always put others feelings before me and yet why are they hurting me now? I tell him to move on because I don't want him to linger on with me, someone who can't be with him anymore. I tell him I like someone else (which I do, but obviously there's no chance of me being with that someone else anyways), so he WILL move on and so he doens't get hurt later. So why is he being so cold all of a sudden? Why does his attitude change? Is this all part of the "moving on" process? I am but only a girl, I need to be cared for, to be loved, to be supported as much as the next girl. So why does life hate me so? Why must I always lose the ones that matter when I need them the most? I try to act strong, tough on the outside, but I'm oh so weak on the inside. How can I live like this? People tell me I should just forget all this and just move on?? How can I forget if I am constantly feeling pain inside? Move on to what?? Alrights, I think I'm done venting now...

    Good Bye and Have a nice day.

    back | days | forth

    So many daylogs and my day has only just begun. Would people add so many words if there were no votes to be gained?

    8:20 GMT

    So I crawl out of bed after so much warmth from within and without. It must simply be a product of my depression the wintertime, I do not want to wake up, to wash and dress ready for work.

    Recently I asked my grandmother about the circumstances surrounding my birth. The story was totally different to my Mother's, which meant that one of them was lying. I had promised myself that I would not bring the topic up with my mother - I didn't want to rock the boat. But, last night in the car, my conversation with my Mother somehow turned to how she met my father, how she became pregnant with me, and how she moved away from her mother's house. I knew that the story she would tell me would be different from my grandmother's but I had completely underestimated the reaction.

    My mother broke down completely, sobbing as she told me just how much she hated her life, how much her life had been ruined by meeting my father. I watched in horror as she poured hatred onto her mother, her sisters and my father. How can someone hold that much hatred for a group of people? I don't think there are any people in the world that I blame so totally for ruining my life - yesterday's daylog shows that I do place some blame on others, but really I just haven't done so well with the cards life has dealt me.

    So I try to comfort her, even going so far as to touch my mother's shoulder at one point. But she has never really come to terms with her pain. It is too deep, she is too scarred to get over events that happened 26 years ago.. It wasn't really a deathly, vengeful hatred; she was just so upset, so hurt by what had happened to her.

    It is so painful watching your mother cry. I hadn't realised that it would be quite so traumatic watching her break down so completely. I have seen her in physical pain before; she has back and knee trouble. But such deep, searing emotional pain? It was physically painful to see that display of pain

    So I sat there, listening to her retelling her story as I remember it, a story so totally different to the one told by my grandmother. It was difficult to ask her any questions, anything I wanted to say sounded as though I was doubting her. It was also quite hurtful to know that I was not conceived with love, but through, at best, date rape. At one point, in a small voice, I asked whether I was ever loved. She replied that she did her best to raise me well and love me. I also found out that my Mother was desperate to move from my grandmother's house, that she had to get away from the prison she saw all around her.

    It was a very traumatic evening; I just wanted to crawl back into bed after that and never get up again. I suppose it was grew me in some way, and I did find out some things about my Mother during the evening. She hates her younger sisters because my grandmother made her look after them from age 11. She is intensely jealous of her older sister, cursing her for the attention and love that her older sister denied her, and she also blames her older sister for the death of my grandfather and the breakup of the family. Certainly, all her pain seems to stem from her hatred and jealousy of her older sister. It's a sobering thought to realise that your childhood experiences can colour your attitude to people to such a degree, it makes me wonder what irrationality I carry with me because of my life experiences. I wonder if my Mother's older sister hates her in the same way, somehow blaming my Mother for everything that went wrong in their family in the years before my birth?


    I really should stop staying up 'til 4... at least I woke up in finite time today =)

    But anyway, the cool news: Gnus works! It started working after I updated it and gave it a valid NNTP server name =)

    And it even supports ssh tunneling!

    (nntp "oulussh"
          (nntp-address "tuomi.oulu.fi")
          (nntp-rlogin-program "ssh")
          (nntp-rlogin-user "ulankine")
          (nntp-open-connection-function nntp-open-rlogin)
          (nntp-end-of-line "\n")
           ("nc" "news.oulu.fi" "nntp")))

    (Actual server declaration also includes more ssh parameters...)

    The bad thing?

    The goddamned tcsh, how I hate thee.

    Now, the Gnus expects (quite logically) that the remote server speaks NNTP. And "TERM: Undefined variable." isn't actually part of NNTP, you know...

    I wish the university would let me to change shell without a Divine Intervention...

    Wellwell. Time to face the challenges of the day...

    (Let me guess: The hy00zly blasted daylog downvoter scripts again, uh?)


    When I went to the university I took some photographs of the nice foggy views outside. (<drifting-thoughts>Maybe I should also take screenshots of Quake for some fraggy views...</drifting-thoughts>)

    "The Internet and Computer Networks" lecture: More drifting thoughts. Umm, I got a bit drowsy.

    Just one thing that the lecturer said, regarding Spamdexing: "Maybe we should try that in the excercises..." Ugh, I sincerely hoped he meant that we should try that in context of searching, not authoring... =)

    I wanted to write more stuff earlier, but the server called nfstu was down so I couldn't log on...


    Phwwww... A lot of stuff to do. Hmm hmm. Gnus still doesn't work like I wanted, but I wish it will soon.

    I visited the university library today to get some ideas for humppa writeup. The Eläkeläiset record I got a while ago seems to have a song about a gay werewolf or something... =)



    God I need a hug... (or you-know-more-deep-kindness while I'm at it...)


    I think I need to node more of the SJG's edition of Principia Discordia...

    ...speaking of which: Not a single +-vote for my "real" writeups today... I'd ask you to waste your votes on the "real" writeups!

    "You dind't buy this book to read my drivel. Turn the page and read Mal's drivel instead."

    - Steve Jackson

    Other day logs o' mine...

    Noded today by y.t.: humppa gourdfest principia discordia


    Dammit, I slept in this morning, then my train was late, so I missed ALL my classes...

    I get to see pigpoo later today though, and I don't have to work, so I can chill for once. Whoo!

    hum... Damnit, this is a short writeup, but I might have some interesting stuff later. ;-)

    I've done most of my shopping for xmas, but I found out last night that my sister is getting me a good pair of headphones, so that means I'll have to spend more on her. argh...

    "bus 552, bus 537, bus 561"


    "Aric, could you go shovel the driveway now?"


    Looks outside.


    I am deprived of sleep. I haven't been to sleep two nights in the last week. Am trying to catch up by napping during the day. Since I have coursework to do for tomorrow this is proving problematic.

    Oh yeah, It's my Birthday today.

    I am now 22, older by a year or two than most of my friends - mainly because I took a gap year before university. This makes me feel even older - stupid I know.

    So anyway - do I go out clubbing tonight? yes. What about to a meal I've been invited to? I don't know. Maybe I should try and get the program design done now then... Harumph.

    Pile of tissues next to the keyboard, slaving away on everything at 100 words a minute if I am lucky...

    Day Seven of my cold. At least I am not hacking up interesting colored things anymore. The temperature at the Addison airport was 25 degrees the last time I checked. God damn it man, I am supposed to be living in Texas! Why does nature hate me?

    This is my second day log ever. I think that these things may be good, even if just for myself. I could care less about XP at the moment, I just like to lose myself in the spirit of creation. I haven't created any art in the last week or so, maybe that is a product of the weakness that occurs when one is sick. The guitar has not been touched. I have not drawn any mediocre emotional interpretation consisting of aliens and stars in awhile either. My noding on everything this week has consisted of a nodeshell rescue and a review of a Ween song. But that is not really a complaint! Just an observation.

    It is finals week. I skipped my history exam today because no matter how I do, I would not pass. It brought to mind notions of wanting to quit college and just work for awhile, but I know that if I do quit I may never go back. This semester has been insane what with working full time as well as going to school full time.

    There is a puddle under my car the size of Mexico. I wouldn't call it an oil leak, rather, an oil spill. I must have hit an iceberg or something on the way home last night. Just call me Exxon. The car only has to last me one more month and I will have enough saved for a decent down payment on a new automobile. A Honda Prelude. I have always wanted a sports car.

    Got a call from an old friend today, he told me that he remembered all the hope and energy that I had four years ago and was concerned that not much excites me anymore. Don't lose that spirit. I sometimes wish I could return to the place I was back then, innocent, unblemished. I had nothing to worry about. I am sorry for destroying anyone's assumption of what I was. But then again, all the shit that I've been through has brought me to where I am now so it has to count for something - I still exist!

    Must work until midnight tonight. I am beginning to think this technical support managerial job is not for me. But I can node at work with no one asking questions so maybe I do not know a good thing when I see one.

    Almost another over-snooze day with the alarm. I need to get up earlier, and if I want more sleep to go to bed earlier. I really do.

    A look out the window, and see the beauty of snow, even more scarred by the black streaks of the now-clear roads, the splatter of dirty slush, and realize just how badly we really have affected this world. Hopes, not for people to disappear, but to advance to the point we don't have to be so dirty, so violent, so quick to annihilate in the name of building. All this right after waking up.

    Morning routine ensues. I see a twinkle in my eye while drying my hair that makes me smile, a twinkle that shows what's in my head, and seems so knowledgable.

    A slow morning at work, hours on E2 again, this can't be good. Lunch, and watch the tape of Biography of the Year. And with some thought before it even starts, the number 1 becomes obvious. The ones behind an event on a scale that even dwarfs the chaos for the presidential election. The two behind the completion of the Human Genome Project. After an hour of watching, I see I am correct.

    A quick check of my e-mail, another friend responding. A very ambivalent message, an uncertain reaction. I don't know what to think. I shall have to give him some time, I suspect. I should have expected that not everyone would be so immediately accepting, but I could hope.

    Now, I sit here back at work, listening again to my Delerium CD, Poem, and enjoying it. (Thank you adoxograph for using your discount for me :)

    I get home from work, lounge around, and we decide to get pizza tonight to celebrate her final for her class. She wanders off a little after 6, I watch a little more of the Biography, and order pizza. Then, I give my friend a call, the first one who responded very positively. It's a short conversation, she was on her way out, but we talk for a few minutes, and she is definately happy for me finding what makes me happy.

    Watch the rest of the Biography, and she gets home a few minutes before the pizza comes - good timing. We eat, watch random TV, and she chats on the phone to a friend.

    Then comes Battlebots. I enjoy the show. Quite a bit. Though the start of this new season is a rather quick disappointment. No, not the show, just the results. Mecha Tantamushi loses. Mauler 5150 loses. Snake loses. The ones I really like all seem to lose. They're only bots for goodness sake, why do I even care? Hmph. Oh well, it was still fun to watch.

    No more e-mail, seems the server is down.

    I go to bed.

    someday, this place is going to burn.. is your whole life in there waiting?

    woke to sounds, to hostile, ever-agitated voices, to no one, and everyone. they all seem so startled by the presence of snow (mind you, a lot of it) but, it is only snow, after all. i am not so sure as to why everyone complains about it as much as they do, it's just there, and you live your life around it, in it, through it underneath it.

    four days. the sixteenth is my christmas this year.. i've never liked official dates anyway, most everything that is good in my life has never been bound to calendars or clocks. normally by now i would be begging the parental figures to get our tree. this year it doesn't seem too important, at least not yet. perhaps i'll want one at some point in the near future.

    i'm quite.. tired, sore, mostly tired. something about the night made me uneasy (perhaps it was simply the harsh winds..), i did not sleep well.

    things that need to be said..
    i am.. sorry, but only because i've never wanted to be a source of heart ache for anyone. you were always unsure, my mind is too full and too much, it needs more than you could give, it needs something solid to hold onto. you said.. it was as much your fault as mine, but i am not so sure that it was anyone's fault, just that it would not have worked, couldn't have. i thought we both knew that going in.. you were the one assuring me that if ever it were too much, you'd have to step away. i thought we would always be friends, it seemed to me that we were just good friends in the end anyway, that is why i asked you (and i did ask you). i had reservations then, as to what was the right decision, but you seemed so content with it. i keep wondering, what did you expect then? why would you assume that upon abandoning any real responsibility, i would still linger, wait.. i have done my share of waiting around for something or someone you know that, i am not so weak as i used to be. you'll find someone.. they won't be me, don't expect that.. don't expect anything.

    oh the leetle humans.. milling about the planet. also, i think i have mono. heh
    Today I feel really relieved.
    I had another exam today, thermodynamics and fluid mechanics. It was at 2, which meant I could sleep till about 10, and still have time to stop by the travel centre, and pop into the GUST office.

    The exam didn't go too badly either - and I left after about an hour and a half (it lasted for two). I waited around for some other friends, we'd planned to go ice skating in town - but the rain started just as soon as we left the building, so plans were changed, we ended up in Jim's Bar instead.

    I think it's a really nice feeling that I don't have any lectures tomorrow, first weekday in quite a while. And nothing else I really have to get up for. It's the first time this year that I've been looking forward to the holidays. I get to chill. Heh..
    Actually, there is one thing I will be doing... There's a statue of Wellington on his horse in Glasgow's Royal Exchange Square, in front of what is now the Gallery of Modern Art. Thanks to the abundance of local pubs and clubs, Wellington frequently has a piece of headgear commonly known as the traffic cone. It usually moves about quite a bit, too - sometimes on the Duke's head, sometimes on his horse, and occasionally it blows away. But it's been a couple of years since the council decided to stop taking it down.

    The significance of this? Well, the office I was working in over the summer overlooks this statue. They have ADSL. They have a spare Mac. I have a Color QuickCam. What results from all this? Conecam!

    I was in today reviving the old PowerMac, sticking System 7.5 on it, and installing the camera and software. Tomorrow, I'm setting it up to take a new picture every couple of minutes, and then use an AppleScript to FTP it to the server. Not really an ideal solution, but we have a dynamic IP, so it couldn't be served straight up from the Mac. Nevertheless, Conecam should be up soon...

    Was late for college today, missed analytical drawing for the third week in a row. I'm worried about losing my bursary.

    I stayed up all night with my cat, Buddy... He was drugged and dozed most of the night but when he roused he moaned and bit at his stitches. His tail is bald and about half the length it was, but he's been bright all of today. Looking for loadsa attention he has soaked up all that he's gotten.

    Keep being sick, not good but I'm going home soon so I'll get to sleep and now Buddy's feeling better I can relax a bit and get college sorted.

    Only ten days now till the Christmas holidays, only sad thing about that is that most of my family are working during Christmas Eve. I don't think my brother gets paid any extra for it but my Mum, my Dad and my fiancee all do.

    Oh yeah, plus things... I got a present from a friend at college today, a really nifty Art History book and my Grampa's back from his holiday so I'll get to see him again soon.

    Hi ho, hi ho, to breath the smog I go!

    Well, I decided today to head down to my very close friend's graduation. This means I have to head down to Los Angeles (the dreaded inferno) for the first time in over a year. One of my favorate quotes about LA is from The Onion (www.theonion.com): "Los Angelas, the place where dreams go to die." I suppose that is a bit harsh, but it seems that most of the people I knew down there were out of work . I think it was a good place to live for a while, but I don't think I would really want to live there again.

    I am, actually, looking forward to it a great deal. There is a lot of really fun stuff to be done in Los Angeles. I am going to bring the manfriend with me, and we can roam around and visit random people. I wouldn't be surprised if all of my friends down there, who aren't in jail yet, are still around. I'll probably check out good 'ole MindLink in Pasadena too. (I used to work at EarthLink, unfortunately.) I decided to just rent a car to go down, it makes more sense than flying in, and then having transportation. This time, I won't even have to bribe anyone, as I am at that wonderful > 21 age.

    I am not one hundred percent positive it will all work out, as I am not certain who my manager is, these days. None of the three people who could be my manager have protested my request to take Friday off yet, however.

    Other than planning for LA, my day has been pretty mudane. I had some fun automating our installation program so that it does everything with no user-prompting at all, for massive network installs. That was about it, however.

    I'm sorry if this writeup offended someone. I wasn't trying to insult anyone who likes Los Angeles, but I do feel entitled to my opinions. Most of the attitudes expressed in this writeup are sarcastic anyway.
    This morning I woke up to total quiet where there's usually loud noise and activity. I took a look outside my Montreal, Canada to see a whole bigass shitload of snow. Snow, snow everywhere.

    I entered my mom's room (yeah, I'm only 16) to see her lying in her bed, with a whole bunch of static coming from her radio. This is good, I thought. This means no school.

    I had to make sure.

    "So no school today?"
    "I think so..."
    "What do you mean you think so?"
    "Well, they haven't announced your school, but look at the fucking weather out there! They're not going to make you go out in that!"

    How wrong she was.

    We sat by the radio for half an hour making out the speech from the static as we listened to horrible weather report after horrible weather report. School closings came on three times, but no mention of mine. Mom bitched the whole time as she did not want to take our her car (psssst... she's a really bad driver). Does your mom try to convince you not to go to school? Mine does. My mom called me a coward for going to school.

    The announcer finally said (as we listened in the car, on the way there), "If you're a English Montreal student, too bad, all those schools are open."

    Well great, fucking great.

    I took the packed bus, then the packed metro, and then another packed bus all the way to school.. it took me 1 1/2 hours when it usually takes 40 minutes. Yahoo.

    I also had 3 long exams today which was spectaular. I was either in school, on the way to school, or coming back from school for a total of 12 hours today.

    Fucking shit.. I just played some Counterstrike and now I'm going to bed. Good night.

    I sought professional help today. I'm not insane, or even troubled anymore. I think that I worked everything out. I talked to a man named Dr. Rodgers, and I'm not sure if he helped me. I talked most of the time and I felt really dumb because most of my problems are petty. I don't know how to fix them and I don't think anyone else could. Maybe I don't have any problems, maybe it's all in my head. I feel like I wasted the guy's time.

    I'm friends with him again. Sort of. I don't know if I can deal with it though. After five agonizing days of not speaking to each other I finally got on my hands and knees and begged him to take me back, as a friend. I missed him so much, damn him for being so damn amazing that my emotional health hinges on his moods and actions. Not mine, which would be better I think.

    I decided that I'm applying to Stanford. Oh it would be glorious to go to that college. Get away from these asinine worthless idiots. I need some intellectual stimulation. I don't know if I would get accepted, or even go though. Even if I spend the rest of my life working at that hellhole McDonald's it still would be nice to have a Stanford acceptance letter hanging over a mattress in the one-room shack I'll be living in.

    I worked today. I got to cook. Poor saps, being so desperate to put me in grill. I think I did a good job, no one has died that I know of. I worked with a cute guy today, he's 16 which is a little young but it's still nice to fantasize.

    I need to stop ditching school. I missed four classes yesterday and one today. Hopefully none tomorrow. I just manage to get my friend Mia to not go and then we hang out together...I love her. I would marry her if I could. I would do her too except for I have a problem with girl parts.

    10:58 PM

    Another crazy day at work. I had stuff piled on me faster than I could get it done. I could have kept up though, if the network wasn't going up and down every five minutes. I decided I'm going to start using my linux box more, because it seems to be more reliable when the network is acting up like this. I couldn't do anything on my windows box today.

    I left work promptly at 6:00PM, at the anger of yet another network failure. I decided that was enough and I was taking off. I got there at 9:30 anyway, so I was only leaving a half hour early.

    I went home and took a quick shower, and cleaned myself up before heading off to play pool. I spent a little extra time trying to look and smell good since I was going to be meeting Sara again. I wanted to make a good impression since she is coming to the christmas party with me.

    CR told me that she lives about 30 minutes away from here in the opposite direction of the party, so I might have to get off of work a little earlier than everyone else to go pick her up. He said she might be able to get a ride, but it would probably be appropriate for me to pick her up.

    I think I'm getting slightly better at pool, though I still really suck compared to the people who I played against. At least I didn't miss as many times as I did before. I talked with Sara for a little while, but I couldn't say much about the party since someone else was there who wasn't supposed to know about it. She said her chemistry exam went well and that she should get an A in the class. CR said she's very interested in biology and perhaps will work on becoming a doctor. She's intelligent and cute... :)

    I told her that I would email her the specific details about the party. Perhaps I'll do that now.


    Heh.. that took me about a half hour to write the letter to Sara. I offered to pick her up and perhaps drive the rest of the gang down there; since I don't drink alcohol I should be a fairly safe designated driver.

    I gave her a compliment and wished her luck on the rest of her final exams. I have a feeling that she may just want to go to the party with me as a newly-introduced friend, but this will be a chance to get to know her better and see if she is attracted to me. I feel attracted to her, though somewhat intimdated (as I am with nearly all women). She's intelligent, cute, fit, and somewhat shy. She seems like she might enjoy science as much as I do, so it might be worth digging up some old college notes to try on as topics of conversation.

    12:12 AM I had to add a new hole to my belt today. My pants kept slipping down and I had no more holes left in my belt. I checked my weight at the gym and I'm down to 234lbs. That's not bad considering I'm also building muscle mass. I started at around 245 about a month ago.

    I'm consuming well under 2000 calories per day, and I'm typically burning off 400-500 extra calories per day at the gym. I noticed the most-used notch in my belt is now two notches above where I am at, so it seems to be working out well. My jeans also seem to be way too big on me now... I may have to buy a couple new pairs of jeans if I keep this up - but it's worth it. I feel good, though I've still got a long way to go. I want to at least get under 200lbs.

    Woke up on this morning, with visions of a werewolf trying to take advantage of me in the saw palms by my parent's. I never did trust dogs.....

    My co-worker, Sheila, took Pamela, her wife Jillian and me out for drinks and tarot readings at the Purple Moon last night. I was the last to be read, and let's just say the woman freaked out. I was only supposed to be in there for 15 mins, I ended up walking out almost 45 mins later. She had nothing to say of my love life, except that I expect to be loved like a leo, becuase that's where my Venus is. I enjoy being cherished, but I don't think I deserve it because of the cancer. I had an opening of doors in 1998, and those doors are about to open again, or shall we say the veil will be lifted. She then asked me to be her partner in a children's book. I won't hold my breath, I have heard this how many times now? Well, she is an older woman, and she lives half the year in Vegas so maybe this is a good partnership. She said to concentrate on my livelihood, as I will own my own business by July. Funny she should mention that.....

    I have an interview set up with the owner of a local coffee shop/gallery. Keep your fingers crossed, I think this may be my debut.

    After this, I went drunkenly out to start shit with my brother. We decided to prey upon the innocence of the town and a few black and tans.

    Going to AZ to spend the holidays with half of my family. His half. This is good, I didn't know how I was going to make it through this season without them.

    Mom called today. She is about 2 cms away from a huge confession. If I weren't playing for my own team, I'd send her my strength.

    And the Geek Tarot is in the works........hmmm, hmmm. Exploit what you know.

    And the teeth are rotting out of my head. No, my wisdom is just sprouting forth. No, I really need to invest in some morphine, a wrench, and some suture kits. Got to get these damn things out, I can't think straight!!

    A decent day.......

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