8:30 PM: Attempt to document the haze that is my life.
This is what my life consists of:
* Living at home (commuting to college)
* Depressed single mother with no job / ambition.
* For at least 4 years
* Golddigger? (I hate to say it)
* Drinks 3-4 liters of diet Dr. Pepper a day
* Aging Geologist father cannot support me, my mother
and himself living in seperate homes.
* Future: Land job with GSIPP program and leap to
financial independence? (Still waiting for a call.)
* Putting up with both parents
* Divorced but living together
* For the holidays
* Dislike sounds of parent's voices
* Require earplugs to sleep
* Distrust parents
* Confusion about (female name).
* Are we still together? (I doubt it.)
* Unsure if I am too overbearing
* Unsure if I am too offputting
* Unsure if she is interested anymore
* She hasn't called recently but I know she really
does have a busy schedule
* Unsure if I am interested anymore
* Mutual activities have reduced to 0 since this summer
* Miss her too much
* Afriad relationship is based on need, not want
* 3 friends
* Do not know why but I have not wanted to speak or
do things with him recently
* Halfway between friend and acquaintance
* The same (female name).
* Extreme amount of boredom
* Feelings locked inside
* Thoughts reverbating in my mind --> instability
* Great interest has waned almost completely over the
* Not learning new things.
* Only use computer for www, email, and IM.
* Only IM 3 friends + 1 more (who I don't see
* Find advancing programming knowledge useless
* No ideas for writing a fulfulling program
* Unsure about current CS major
* Can do CS and math work quite easily
but it means nothing / not fulfilling
* Other possible option: design (specifically
visual: print and perhaps web)
* No experience
* Difficult to get started
* Currently going to a technical school on
scholarship (arts department lacking)
* I am not a very aesthetic person
* Guitars have gone virtually untouched at least
* Keyboard has gone virtually untouched at least
* When I attempt to play either one I only play the
same tunes I have played 1,000,000 times before and
never try to learn anything new.
* Card Games
* Enjoy 2 card games but I only play online = not
* Ultimately only a distraction from getting all
this sorted out and a distraction from my life
* Daily activities (websurfing, watching tv, listening
* Only idles away time
* I receive many messages over the course of a day
but barely put out any.
* Lurk on sites.
* Only speak to
* 3 friends occasionally
* Parents on a daily basis
* This is the first time I've written something
on my own accord in a long time
* Only email the same 3 friends very rarely
* Don't know how to enjoy myself
* Unable to find creative expression
* Unable to find enjoyable activities
* Unable to enjoy things
* I don't see any way out
* Self defeating
* High level of anxiety
* Don't know what to do
* Reflection leads me to the virge of tears
* Constantly second guessing self
* Am I doing this for attention?
* Should I let anyone know?
* I would tell myself to shut the fuck up
* But I still don't know how to get out of this rut