8:30 PM: Attempt to document the haze that is my life.

This is what my life consists of:

* Living at home (commuting to college)
  * Depressed single mother with no job / ambition.
    * For at least 4 years
    * Golddigger? (I hate to say it)
    * Drinks 3-4 liters of diet Dr. Pepper a day
  * Aging Geologist father cannot support me, my mother
    and himself living in seperate homes.
  * Future: Land job with GSIPP program and leap to 
    financial independence? (Still waiting for a call.)

* Putting up with both parents
  * Divorced but living together
    * For the holidays
  * Dislike sounds of parent's voices
    * Require earplugs to sleep
  * Distrust parents

* Confusion about (female name).
  * Are we still together? (I doubt it.)
  * Unsure if I am too overbearing
  * Unsure if I am too offputting
  * Unsure if she is interested anymore
    * She hasn't called recently but I know she really
      does have a busy schedule
  * Unsure if I am interested anymore
    * Mutual activities have reduced to 0 since this summer
  * Miss her too much
  * Afriad relationship is based on need, not want

* Loneliness
  * 3 friends
    * #1
      * Friend
      * Do not know why but I have not wanted to speak or
        do things with him recently
    * #2
      * Halfway between friend and acquaintance
    * #3
      * The same (female name).
    * Extreme amount of boredom
    * Feelings locked inside
    * Thoughts reverbating in my mind --> instability

* Activities
  * Technology
    * Great interest has waned almost completely over the
      last year.
      * Not learning new things.
      * Only use computer for www, email, and IM.
        * Only IM 3 friends + 1 more (who I don't see
      * Find advancing programming knowledge useless
        * No ideas for writing a fulfulling program
     * Unsure about current CS major
       * Can do CS and math work quite easily
         but it means nothing / not fulfilling
       * Other possible option: design (specifically
         visual: print and perhaps web)
         * No experience
         * Difficult to get started
         * Currently going to a technical school on
           scholarship (arts department lacking)
         * I am not a very aesthetic person
  * Music
    * Guitars have gone virtually untouched at least
      6 months.
    * Keyboard has gone virtually untouched at least
      9 months.
    * When I attempt to play either one I only play the
      same tunes I have played 1,000,000 times before and
      never try to learn anything new.
   * Card Games
     * Enjoy 2 card games but I only play online = not
     * Ultimately only a distraction from getting all
       this sorted out and a distraction from my life
   * Daily activities (websurfing, watching tv, listening
     to music)
     * Only idles away time
     * I receive many messages over the course of a day
       but barely put out any.
       * Lurk on sites.
       * Only speak to 
         * 3 friends occasionally
         * Parents on a daily basis
       * This is the first time I've written something
         on my own accord in a long time
       * Only email the same 3 friends very rarely
    * Don't know how to enjoy myself
      * Unable to find creative expression
      * Unable to find enjoyable activities
      * Unable to enjoy things

* Attitude
  * I don't see any way out
  * Self defeating
  * High level of anxiety
  * Don't know what to do
  * Reflection leads me to the virge of tears
  * Constantly second guessing self
    * Am I doing this for attention?
    * Should I let anyone know?
      * I would tell myself to shut the fuck up
        * But I still don't know how to get out of this rut