Confidence is what it's all about. Worth. Value. Giving yourself credit.


It had been an incredible night. One of those times when everything just clicked, when someone you hadn't considered being with you was suddenly there, and it was working - better than you could have believed.

She's close to you, and you really want to reach out and touch her. She faces you and asks a question. "What do you want to do now?"

"I don't know.."

It's so easy to devalue your hearts desires, so easy to reduce yourself to a lower level in another persons eyes. To convince yourself that the feelings, the wants, the desires you feel cannot possibly be what someone else wants.

So you hide them behind ambiguous phrases.

She's looking at you, her eyes a matter of centimetres away - just far enough that you can maintain focus, just close enough that they are all you can see. We're talking about everything, and for days the word Truth (the capitalisation is important) has been prominent in all conversations. Both of us know that when she leaves, to travel the world, that this must end. Still, the desire, the connection between the two of us cannot be denied - even after deciding to move apart.

"What are we doing?"

"I don't know..."

I didn't say what I really wanted to say at that time. I didn't say that the thought of being apart from her tears me apart. I didn't say that if I could hold onto her and never let go, I would. The deepest desires I harbour did not come to the surface, because I was fearful that voicing them would drive her away - it would be so much more than what she wanted, or expected.

'I don't know' is the most convenient lie I know of. Wait, see what the other person says, see if they will possibly voice your desire first, so your response can be a simple 'yes!' Refuse to put yourself on the line, and never risk crossing it. While never discovering that someone wants you to cross the line, and will welcome you in.

At a time of change, of self-belief awakened, of a future I'm not sure I was willing to acknowledge, there is no more room for ambiguity.

If you never speak of your dreams, they will never come to life.

There is no longer room for 'I don't know'.

Many years and several lifetimes ago, or so it seems, I was a freshman in the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M University. Freshmen weren't allowed to answer a question with, "I don't know." Instead, part of our indoctrination was to give the following response:

"Sir/Ma'am, not being informed to the highest degree of accuracy I hesitate to articulate for fear that I might deviate from the true course of rectitude. In short Sir/Ma'am, I am a very dumb fish, and do not know, Sir/Ma'am!"

We weren't allowed to think, either. We could cogitate all we wanted, just not think, especially for ourselves. In fact, when asked what one thought by an upperclassman, the programmed response was to be, "Sir/Ma'am, it's not a fish privilege to think, Sir/Ma'am." None of the above, and so much more, applied when one was permitted to speak like a white man or when conversing with a drop-handle buddy. Just a tidbit of one school's campusology.



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