I went to the Family Values Tour 2001 show in (well, near) Detroit last night. It was a very good show. The group I was with got there about 7:15, 15 minutes after it was supposed to start. That wasn't a problem though, since it actually wasn't anywhere near ready to start. When we arrived, the lines still stretched well outside the building, and were slow moving, due to the security. We finally were let in about 7:30.

First up was Static X. Not exactly my taste in music, but they had a good performance, and did a good job warming up the crowd for the rest of the show.

Next up was Linkin Park. LP, along with Staind, were my main reasons for coming to the show. They put on an amazing performance. Just an extreme amount of energy. That, along with getting the crowd involved, made them probably the best performance of the night. A very close second would go to Staind. An amazing performance, the highlight of was the song "Outside", which was done very softly in contrast with the rest of the show. Everyone with lighters held them up, and everyone sang along. Another interesting moment was when Wayne Static (lead of Static X) came back out and sang with Staind.

The final performance of the night was Stone Temple Pilots. They did a good job, but the general consensus was that their music and performance style didn't quite mesh with the other groups. The high point of their performance was Kid Rock performing a song with STP. With Kid Rock being a Detroit native, the crowd went nuts.

And that was the night. Very tired today, skipped work, and just dozed through my classes. But hey, it was worth it.

I realize that I do not have a single daylog describing my life in college. Here is the start:

I woke up today with a reason. I was running late, because I had to put on my shiny red shoes. I wanted to look different. I went to my linguistics discussion and we formed our groups for the big project. I hope the people in my group like to work. Then I went to Jamba Juice, like I always do after that class. I think the immunity boosts in those smoothies is what really made me get better. Then I stood in line to get my philosophy class changed to pass/fail. I don't want to get a letter grade because I know it would be bad. After that I went and tried to study physical anthropology on a bench. It was too cold, I shivered and my hands hurt, so I went and hid in a corner in Dwinelle Hall, where my next class was.

Then...the highlight of the day, my math lecture. I sat in the same spot I always do, third row back, third from the right. I do this for a reason. A certain boy I took a fancy to sits in the rows right next to me, and I can stare at him the whole time. It was getting late, my friend Caroline showed up, we were laughing but he was still not there. What if he was going to sit somewhere else, or wasn't coming at all? I was worried. I didn't wear these shoes for nothing! But he allayed my fears and sat in the row in front of mine. I got to look at him for that whole hour and a half, and believe me in made math lecture go by a million times faster. I didn't want to point him out to my friend, but when I did she asked "Have you ever read Lord of the Flies?" Um, yea stupid question. "Because he kinda reminds me of piggy, " she added.

"He's not fat!" I exclaimed. He did kinda remind me of piggy though.

I think he looks at me too. I need to get up the guts to talk to him. Maybe thursday! I don't even know his name.

Not much excitement after that. I got lunch, saw a bitch from my old high school out the window which made me mad, and came home and slept instead of going to math lecture. I slept for longer than I wanted to, because I had a dream that Jesse was here and he wanted to talk to me and be friends again. He was being nice to me, and it made me sad, so I had to sulk and stay and bed. I don't want to miss that sonofabitch god damnit!

I am in my second month of college. As a freshman, there should be a lot of change in my life. Some things change, but a lot has stayed the same.

The one thing that has changed is who I hang out with. Instead of my friends from high school, I have my friends from college. However, we still talk about the same stuff. Just last night we were discussing the bombing of Afghanistan. We decided that instead of dumping all our garbage in New Jersey, we should fill up some aircraft and dump everything all over Afghanistan. If they shoot it down, it's their own problem. They would basically be shooting down a flying garbage truck.

One girl I got to know in high school has gotten closer to me these past few months since she goes to school only a few blocks from me. The depth of my feelings for her grow everytime I see her. It's little things, like the way her hair looks, the way she treats children, and how she loves her family. However, she has a boyfriend attending college in far away Florida. The most painful thing is hearing about how much she loves him and cares for him.

Everything is a Community

Just under two days ago, I learned that my job may well not be any more. My daylog for that day is still difficult for me to read, and yet, having been through the whole gamut of emotions for 36 hours, I feel more able to cope now, and there is one real reason.

I have had literally dozens of emails and /msgs encouraging me to keep going, to keep doing what I am doing here. Some of these were from people I have never met, people who I am never likely to meet, but all of them carried the same underlying message - don't give up in any way! E2 is full of survivors, full of people who have been through, are going through the same as I am, the same as you are. Lean on these and learn from them, your brothers and sisters. That is the message. Theirs to me, and mine to you.

To all of them I say "Thank you" - your messages meant something to me, something special. To all of you, I say "Thank you", too. Your presence here, your writing, is encouragement to me.

Forgive me, for I have sinned - it has been six days since my last write-up. I also did something silly and scary with my homenode. I wiped it, put up a silly and self-pitying quote instead. I am in the process of rebuilding it now, and it should be resumed soon. My penance is to complete the rescues I have promised to do, and to make my contribution to the current Quest tomorrow. No, all right - it's not a penance - I enjoy this writing, love being here, love the contribution I can make. I have just finished my first 'proper' write-up in 5 days, and it feels good. I am about to start work on another one, and that feels good, too!

I am hoping very much to go away soon for a few days, to meet another noder in real life. It will be good for me to get away for a while, see a different horizon, breathe some different air, get myself back up North again, away from sometimes-gloomy Nottingham.

/me wishes he had known hermetic. Many people miss him. He penned the write-up which forms the theme for this daylog, and has proven beyond doubt that the love of an online community is a positive thing. Had the timing been different, he might still be with us. Everything is a Community. Never forget that. I know I won't.

I like redgirlie.

It started not so long ago. I read a writeup or two of hers, found it interesting, sent a /msg or two, received the same. I found her nodes interesting, intriguing – I wanted to know who this person was. I read the last 20 or so of her nodes, and began /msging more – I sent her a letter and a black and white photograph.

She responded with glee, it seemed. It felt so wonderful, to interact with someone who appreciated my silly little quirks, and responded to them, someone who though I was a nice person for these things. She was good with math, had an incredibly high node-fu, wrote interesting writeups, and was really nice. I read the remainder of her writeups, communicated with her more, generally had a good ol’ time.

I read the writeups, about old boyfriends, about relationships failed or that never happened, and it bothered me. redgirlie seemed to be such a good person – smart, interesting, good to talk with, nice – she is all these things. And I wanted her. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to spend time with her, converse, have fun, and just enjoy her company. I wanted to be the good person she deserved. We spent a fair amount of time sending /msgs back and forth, sharing little snippets of our lives, listening, thinking.

Then I read her day log for October 16, 2001 – the things she wants in a boyfriend – and they were all the things describing the sort of boyfriend I would want to be.

Oh! How it hurts! I like her so, yet I know that it is ridiculous to think that a relationship between us could occur, nor do I expect it or believe it to be the right course of things. We live on opposite sides of the country, I am four years her senior, and neither of us have any intention of moving any time soon. We are at different points in our lives. Perhaps that it as it should be.

As things are right now, I am happy to send and receive /msgs and letters. Her /msgs brighten my day – I hope mine do the same for her. Right now, this is all wonderful, and I am not looking for, nor do I want anything more. If, though, in a few years, we were both in the same city or general vicinity, I certainly wouldn’t mind things changed and became more than they are right now.

It was a great morning today. First of all, it was raining.

My host family here in Japan is bugging me a little. Particularly, my host mom is kind of strict.

This morning, I was in the bathroom.In many Japanese houses, the toilet and the sink are in two different bathrooms. Now, the toilet bathroom is very very small- basically there is only a toilet in the room- there is a sink built into the top of the toilet so that one can wash one's hands.

In my house's toilet bathroom, there are lots of small figurines that my host mom put in there to decorate it. Most of them are dwarves- there is a definite Snow White theme to the room. Normally, I like this bathroom. However- this morning I was washing my hands after using the bathroom. Bearing in mind that the bathroom is very small, I bumped into a shelf on the wall. The shelf, made from wood and containing 6 of the 7 dwarves on it, fell to the floor. The shelf and the dwarves were undamaged; however, there were two ceramic rabbits on the floor below the shelf- one of the rabbits broke into many fragments. So then, i have broken this stupid rabbit when i hear my host mom start yelling at me because my host dad wants to use the bathroom. So here i have this broken rabbit to clean up, and this shelf which i have to pick up and my dad waiting to use the bathroom, and my mom bitching me out.


I get out of the bathroom- I put down the pieces of the broken rabbit and the shelf (I am apologizing continuously). My mom is yells at me because I took so long in the bathroom- she didnt care that much about the rabbit as long as I pay for it. She tells me to go wash my hands(which i had already washed after I used the bathroom anyway, but she thinks that I dont wash my hands because some previous exchange student of my host family's did not- usually I come out of the bathroom with my hands still a little damp to show that I had washed them, but this particular time my hands became dry while I was picking up the pieces of the rabbit.) So, in order to wash my hands ASAP, I go to the kitchen sink...My mom yells at me for using the kitchen sink to wash my hands, because she uses the kitchen sink when cooking. I go back to the now-vacant bathroom to wash my hands- she yells at me again and says that i have to go use the sink in the bathroom where the shower is and not the one in the bathroom where the toilet is.

After that I basically ate my breakfast (too small, as usual) as quickly as possible and ran out the door.

Okay, here's the deal.
Other than the outside, mainly my cutting off all my hair, dying it red and dropping 25 lbs.....heh. The world may actually get to see me at 130 lbs.( Does anyone have the Irish stone equivalent to 130 lbs? I've forgotten my conversions over the years.) Just call me Spike!( But no, I am not pregnant....) When the going gets tough, the tough reinvent. Oh yeah, and I haven't forgotten about the world catching on fire, so I don't think the changes rest with me. No shit, right?

I, um....well...I'm fuckin' happy! Like content type of happy. I can't even remember how long it's been since that's happened. I really don't quite know what to do with myself, honestly, besides continue cleaning up the messes of the last four years. That has definitely (still really hate trying to spell that word) kept me busy. Do you have any idea how many apology letters I have been sending out, trying to make ammends with the people I have stepped on over the last few years? Yeah, sure I could just let it slide, and yeah, a few can of worms have been opened wide up.....but I am tired of feeling guilty! Anything is better than that, and quite frankly, it's been a pretty enjoyable experience touching base with people I certainly have never forgotten. Can we say 'Digo's soul feels pretty damn clean? Yup.

With the last few years being so scary, and so on fast-forward, I am really diggin' just being a Florida swamp kid for right now. I mean, all of my old buddies are back....and for once, we're all drinking age....Biketoberfest is this weekend, there are cat-eating alligators in my backyard....I've exorcised the guest house. Yup. That little house with so damn much bad energy, the one that would make that "Wwwwaaaaawwwwawwwwawwwaaaa" noise as soon as I'd open the french doors....it's happy again. Warm, cozy, full of music and light. It's my getaway from the past instead of a forebearer or reminder of it. I burned sage in every corner of the building to wipe out the stench of the past. It worked. I sip my Dewar's over ice, smoke my stogies and write and paint like there ain't no tomorrow. Hmmmm. Who knows? There MIGHT not be. Regardless, I have my cave again.

I'd be content just for the fact that everything's straightening itself out. No. I'm not just being optimistic, it really is working it's kinks out. I am HAPPY for a really big reason, though. And it would sound really mushy and icky if I were to voice that reason aloud. So maybe I won't. Regardless of what's happened, why I'm on cloud nine, I still have to keep on track, 'cause I go off to University next summer. Maybe this time, I won't be going alone. Hee!

Okay, tell me if this is for real or just fairytale? No, wait. I don't feel like sharing just quite yet. Maybe tomorrow....or maybe not. All I can say is I will have one hell of a story to tell, and it is going to take a while. Hmmmm....forgiveness is a really beautiful thing.

Man, I have a lot of phone calls to make.....

Blargh. Here we are again.

Well sadly it seems that I won't be able to attend the CVC dance on 26th. I wouldn't care usually, but I really had fun this past friday (bowling with a buncha people from CVC). I attend social events very seldom. I was looking forward to socialising with couple of individuals who i met during bowling. But - no such luck. It's really my fault...when Lani asked whether anyone wanted tickets - i just mumbled. I wasn't in the mood for any social gatherings. Now (as fairly often before) I regret my earlier decision. Shrug.

Ski trip is about to fall through too it seems. I don't quite know what the situation is with Mike and that group of friends..whatever. He offered to include me and BJ in his group then that offer was retracted. Now he's "clarifying". The deadline for room deposits is this friday. I haven't hread anything from him. I'm pretty sure I won't bother him about this because I simply don't need the tension and the unpleasantness. It just makes me think of all the times I've been "walked on"..Whatever. I chose to ignore it like so many other things. Fuck it.

I went through a couple of stores today: Pacific Yamaha and Richmond Motorsports. Crazy prices. Looks like i'm going to have to spend approx. $600 on gear. Pacific Yamaha didn't have any bikes in my price range at all. Richmond Motorsports had a little Yamaha FZR 400 (if i remember correctly) for $3999.. the price is about right (it was a '89)..the bike wasn't dropped it seems; but farings were in pretty poor shape anyway - paint was dull; pieces were chipped right above the rear tail light. I didn't bother with the test drive (even though I probably could). I'm waiting till October 6, 2001 - my road test. Then I'll go through the shopping motions. Hopefully as winter is an off season here I'll get a good deal. We'll see.

RCMP is out in force! It's rather scary. I got two speeding tickets - both at $173. One for 75 in 50 and 140 in 90. Crazy shit. I think i've seen more ghost cars and cop crown victorias in the last 2 months than in the last 7 years! It's crazy stuff really; but it least it's making me slow down.

50% of school term complete. What can i say. Fuck yeah!

I'm going to perform an experiment. I killed my icq. Lets see how long i can stay this way. So far - 1 day and counting. Loneliness is a terrible thing.

It's my birthday and I'll node if I want to, node if I want to.

So, I'm watching MTV and I see my former high school (1991-1994) on MTV News. The school is several blocks from where the Twin Towers used to be and had been unavailable for weeks following September 11, 2001 (the students and teachers were relocated to a school in Brooklyn temporarily).

MTV decided it was newsworthy that the school was reopening and followed the class president through his day. It's really surreal to see your high school on MTV (and on CNN on September 11, when the building was evacuated). Being 2000 miles away, seeing MY school like that...it's so bizarre.

And part of me is angry that MTV would do something so trite and sappy and insignificant (well, yeah...I guess that's to be expected from MTV...) while at least one of my former classmates lost his life on September 11 (one confirmed; he was working at Cantor Fitzgerald).

I've moved on from September 11, and the flashbacks I had to 1993, when I was in school when the World Trade Center bomb exploded several blocks away.

I can't express how strange it is to see your high school on MTV, and how distant and alone it all makes me feel. I want to go down there and see and feel the school and know it's still there. And to find all my former classmates...and hell, anyone I've ever known, and know they're safe. Yet, here I am in Florida, removed from anything I've known.

My credit card has a picture of the World Trade Center on it. Last week, I had to argue with someone who wouldn't accept it. He thought it was a joke or something. It's a strange time to be a displaced New Yorker.

Or maybe it's just a strange time to be me...

Another day of being a subsitute teacher, what else is there to node? The class is at least the same that I have been in all week so far, so at least I know a little of whats going on.
The school here is on the macro schedule. They call it Personalization of Education. It means that the students only have 4 class a day, however, each class period is 100 minutes. On every Wednesday, the students have a period called Advisory, where they work on homework, meet with teachers who advise them and also work on the project, Senior Exhibition, which students must do successfully to graduate.
Sometimes I wish that I had only 4 class/day in high school, but then I would have never wanted to sit through 100 minutes of math
Ugh, what a morning. See, me and the guys from work who are blessed with a bit more fat on them than there should be have been going to the gym to pump some iron the last couple of weeks. So far we've been going monday, wednesday, friday to the weight/cardio room, which has gone well. This last week someone suggested that we go tuesday and thursday to the gym part of the local YMCA and play floor hockey, basketball, or some other full body workout sport instead of doing weights.

Now this was what I thought was happening anyway. But at 6:34am I thought I heard bells. I turned over and went back to sleep though, because my alarm clock wasn't scheduled to go off for another half hour. A couple of minutes later the bells came again, this time far more insisting that I get up. As soon as I realized what it was (the door buzzer of the apartment building). Seems that the guy from the carpool who was driving this week didn't realize that we weren't going every day, or I didn't realize we weren't! My buddy was greeted by me in a housecoat, hair looking like Einstein, not able to see yet, and obviously not ready to go.

If this wasn't bad enough, the time I normally wake up is only 20 minutes away, so I didn't even have time to go back to sleep for any amount of time before it was really time to get up :( Granted, I was feeling really refreshed this morning because it didn't take nearly as long to drag my ass out of bed (that was done to answer the door already).

I don't know what to do. I am missing Angela terribly. There isn't really anything to do, I guess, common sense tells me, except let time take care of the pain. I am in terrible pain. I feel ridiculous telling anyone how much I hurt, and how much I care. I'm very sad.

I can't stop thinking about her, trying to figure out some way to resolve my feelings. I don't want the relationship, any relationship to be only and forever just dating, with no end in sight. Some day I want to live with some one. I want to share space with them, wake up next to them, know that I am number one, the only one.

I don't want to share that person's heart with anyone. I don't care about sex any more. I used to, but I don't now. I know how easy it is to have meaningless sex, or sort of meaningless, anyway.

Angela told me she married her best friend, her buddy. She told me in an e-mail that she told her husband the truth about us, and why she wasn't going away with me this weekend to Playa del Fuego.

Now I'm dying to know what they talked about, exactly what she told him. Because I keep hoping there's some way I don't have to give her up, forever. It's utterly ridiculous, I know. I know.

I know I should let this go, and give up all hope. And just deal with the pain - which I am having huge trouble doing, by the way. Chocolate is calling me all the time, and I answer an awful lot. I haven't been binging, just eating a little every day (candy or a piece of cake or something) which is going to get me in big trouble I know.

I feel so stupid, hopeless, and like something is really, really, really wrong with me.I guess it is. I'm in love with some one I can't be with, the way I want and need.

So it's my birthday today. I suppose that makes it compulsory to node... but what do you care?

I'm now 21. Some thoughts:

That's all. Happy birthday to me.

Not quite all, in fact. I made a mix CD for dustfromamoth, and wertperch is getting one too...

  1. The Presidents of the United States of America - Naked And Famous
  2. Cake - Rock 'n' Roll Lifestyle
  3. Fountains of Wayne - Joe Rey
  4. Weezer - El Scorcho
  5. A Perfect Circle - The Hollow
  6. Incubus - Nowhere Fast
  7. Deftones - 7 Words
  8. Imogen Heap - Angry Angel
  9. Skunk Anansie - Little Baby Swastikkka
  10. Guano Apes - Open Your Eyes
  11. Primus - Tommy The Cat
  12. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Shallow Be Thy Game
  13. Jeff Buckley - Grace
  14. Beck - Nitemare Hippy Girl
  15. Elliott Smith - Somebody that I used to Know
  16. Skunk Anansie - Pickin On Me
  17. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Pretty Little Ditty
  18. Sneaker Pimps - Post-Modern Sleaze
  19. PropellerHeads - Velvet Pants
  20. The Chemical Brothers - Elektrobank

That's really all.

Today was my yearly check up with the gynecologist. Yippee skippee! There's just nothing like having a conversation with a man you barely know, who just happens to have his finger shoved up your vagina!

In other news, it looks like I will be moving soon. I have lived on the same piece of land in Arkansas since I was 4 (not counting the 4 years I was at college). Now I am moving to Delaware!

This is where my s.o. lives. It will be very interesting to be around him on a regular basis. We have had a great relationship thus far, but then we've also had 1000+ miles separating us. I have no doubt that we will be a stronger couple once together, but it will take a little while to get used to. (btw, he's the one that sucked me into this great abyss called e2!)

I am greatly looking foward to this new adventure, but it's a little scary as well. I have two job interviews up there next week. One of which looks extremely promising. If I get that job I will be moving sooner than I expected.

wow...it's amazing the turns your life can take in just a few short months...

Connections within connections within connections. It's all interwoven and nothing escapes the web. Sometimes the coincidences thrill me, sometimes they scare me...seldom do they surprise me anymore. I've also quit looking for meaning within them, which worries me a little.

Today I did a write up for everything2; one that I'd begun a long time ago, but just hadn't finished. Completing it was more a way to clear my scratch pad than a true expression of anything I'm passionate about, but I did it. When I posted it, I decided to go ahead and read the nodes under new writeups, and there I saw the node from hermetic's parents and his wife. I learned of his death and it shook me. I cried. A friend called me to cheer me up, and still I cried. A person called who Loves me very much and would do anything in the world to make me feel better...and I couldnt stop crying. Why? It's the god-damned connections.

I went to Heretic's home node. I saw a picture of a guy, a normal guy...kinda cute, kinda nerdy..kinda normal. I started reading his nodes. I saw myself in his writeups. I saw people that I love in his expressions. I recognized patterns and pains in his life that I fight every day. The pain that I've been trying to keep bottled up inside me found a release when I was reading his writing. I related to his love for his children, his awe at the beauty of a thunderstorm, his pain at a marriage going wrong, and his frustration at not being able to 'fix' anything. Reading about this incredibly complex man made me look at myself some....and it made me cry. I wish I could thank him for that.

Is this going anywhere? Hell no. Sometimes it just feels good and right to write it down (type it out). It helps sort out the emotions and stuff. It helps me think, feel, process information and emotions. It helps me look at the connections and the web. Sometimes not.

I haven't been here in a while.

I'm finding my voice again, remembering how to express myself. I feel like I was pushed into a corner for most of 2001, and now I'm finally free again. The last time I was here was February 5, 2001, or at least that was the last time I wrote anything. Its interesting to reread that day and see how I was feeling then.

Things are better now. Here's what I've been up to:

Moving was a bitch, as it always is. Alex and I had been living on our own separately for a long time, so we had to combine two complete households into one. Twice the dishes, towels, bed linen, furniture, etc. What was the most inconvenient was the double condiments that we had to fit into the fridge. We don't need two ketchup bottles open at once, two jars of pickles, two bottles of soy sauce, and so on. We used up the condiments, sorted out dishes and furniture, and had a yard sale in July. Six months later and we're almost totally unpacked, and what isn't unpacked is piled up in the basement and out of the way.

We got married in June. We had a wonderful wedding. It was at McMenamin's Edgefield in Troutdale. We had the ceremony under the trees, and the reception in a beautiful room with brick walls, hanging plants, and a wood stove. It was really cozy and nice. We had about 30 guests (including the photographer and judge). We kept it small on purpose so that we would be able to spend time talking to our friends and family that came. After the wedding, my husband and I stayed in downtown Portland at the 5th Avenue Suites hotel. After a nice dinner at the Red Star, he and I and went to the Rose Festival Fun Center. He won me a stuffed animal on the midway. It was a wonderful day.

I quit my job in July. I was working for Providence Health System doing tech support. The job had been literally making me sick every day. I traced it to a co-worker who was wearing a gallon of perfume on a daily basis, and spoke with management about fixing the problem. All their solutions, including getting the woman to lay off the perfume, didn't work. She kept on wearing perfume and I kept going home with headaches every day, and having asthma attacks about once or twice a week while at work. My asthma is pretty mild, and usually I don't have problems with it unless I exercise heavily, stand in a room full of smokers for an hour or more, or am near something I'm severely allergic to. Alex and I discussed the situation, and since they weren't willing to work with me on the issue, I gave notice. Since then, I have been unemployed. I'm not worried about getting another job right now since I have no clue what I really want to do and we have enough money to live on while I'm not working. I am taking a class at PSU this term and debating if I want to go to grad school or not. All I know is that I do NOT want to step back into the world of tech support any time soon.

While I've been unemployed, I've been spending time catching up on my reading, doing things around the house like cleaning and finishing our unpacking, and reflecting on a lot of things. I've been writing some of it down, but not as much as I should be. I hope to change that. Let's start now! I'm going to try to node something at least three times a week. Maybe more. It depends on what comes out.

Lots of new faces in the "other users" list. Lots of new nodes. Time to start reading! :)


Happy Birthday, Mener! (Who has just moved back to the U.S. (again) after returning to the Philippines permanently (for the second time)).

About two weeks ago, a new programmer started work at my company. He doesn't work with me, and he's stuck at a desk sort of in the middle of nowhere/nobody. In addition to finding him rather attractive physically, I got some kind of vibe that he might be a potential friend (based on nothing, because I hadn't said a word to him; but then, maybe because he's clean-cut, and kinda preppy sometimes). So last Friday, motivated by the new me's desire to make a friend or two, and to welcome him to the company, since he's at his desk working all day and I've never seen him have a word with anybody, I asked him if he'd like to join me for lunch. (After having tried on Thursday but, by the time I anted up the cojones to ask him, he'd gone already.) He said Sure!, and we went off and had a nice time. Turns out, his programming language of choice is Python, as is mine; though, unlike mine, the work he's doing now isn't letting him use it.

So that was great, and as is often the case with me, my fantasies raced far ahead of reality. But Monday, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to ask him again, to avoid overwhelming him, but it seemed like that first hint of a foundation had to be built upon, or it might blow away like sand in the constant breeze of our daily routines.

I also have this asymmetry problem: I tend to think that repeated overtures of friendship might be bothersome to other people, even though I would welcome them. And similarly in many other respects of personal interactions.

Late Monday afternoon, he called me over to show me something he had found which made using SQL*Plus much more convenient. One of the topics at lunch Friday was what a pain in the a** it is to use Oracle's supplied interactive SQL utility.

That evening the CEO suggested I join him for beer and billiards. I invited Edward along; he declined but expressed sincere thanks at being asked. Even so, it was still difficult today when I told him that I and a few others were going to take an evening sail on the Pacific Ocean on the CEO's boat.
    Cool, he said, with a charming smile.
    Would you like to come along?
So off we sailed into the sunset (well, actually, the sunset was off to port as we were returning to the harbor). He enjoyed himself, I think. I hung around him about half of the time, not so much as to smother him. (And not while I was cranking out the mains'l.)

He gave me a ride home, and in his car I found that he speaks Spanish, a quality that a hypothetical ideal friend of mine would have.

I wish I knew how friendships form. The ones I've had in my life mostly took months, slowly accreting familiarity before finally making the quantum leap of an outside-the-workplace activity (since almost all of my friendships have been with coworkers). And yet, I see other people latch on after a day or two. It would certainly be easier if Edward was new to the area in addition to being new to the company, but alas, he's lived in Santa Barbara all his life, and presumably has plenty of friends already and doesn't need new ones.

We shall see.....

Well I sat down and got to thinking about why the only girl I've ever loved is that person. We never went out, we never had any relationship more than just being friends, yet still the magic of love was there in a way it never was in any other relationship, no matter how long we were together, or how steamy and kinky the erotic portion got. Basically what I came up with were the following four points, bulleted for your convenience.

  • She made me feel like more than I was

  • Her mere presence gave me warm fuzzies.

  • I knew from the moment our eyes met I was in love.

  • There was never any doubt. Never any questioning. There was no question.

  • She did all of the aforementioned without even trying. It was her natural state of being.

  • I think the best definition of love that I've ever heard is "Love is something that cannot be defined."

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