I don't know what to do. I am missing Angela terribly. There isn't really anything to do, I guess, common sense tells me, except let time take care of the pain. I am in terrible pain. I feel ridiculous telling anyone how much I hurt, and how much I care. I'm very sad.

I can't stop thinking about her, trying to figure out some way to resolve my feelings. I don't want the relationship, any relationship to be only and forever just dating, with no end in sight. Some day I want to live with some one. I want to share space with them, wake up next to them, know that I am number one, the only one.

I don't want to share that person's heart with anyone. I don't care about sex any more. I used to, but I don't now. I know how easy it is to have meaningless sex, or sort of meaningless, anyway.

Angela told me she married her best friend, her buddy. She told me in an e-mail that she told her husband the truth about us, and why she wasn't going away with me this weekend to Playa del Fuego.

Now I'm dying to know what they talked about, exactly what she told him. Because I keep hoping there's some way I don't have to give her up, forever. It's utterly ridiculous, I know. I know.

I know I should let this go, and give up all hope. And just deal with the pain - which I am having huge trouble doing, by the way. Chocolate is calling me all the time, and I answer an awful lot. I haven't been binging, just eating a little every day (candy or a piece of cake or something) which is going to get me in big trouble I know.

I feel so stupid, hopeless, and like something is really, really, really wrong with me.I guess it is. I'm in love with some one I can't be with, the way I want and need.