Tim, what I am about to say I need to say cos if I don't, it will remain a sour note in our friendship (at least from my point of view) ... which I don't want at all. I've got to say it otherwise I'll obsess over it (which I'm really good at) and then I'll really blow it out of proportion (more than it is already).

Basically, it all comes down to the fact that you didn't bother calling me about The Australian newspaper coming down to take a photo for our article, The students who kicked out the consultants.

Now I know that you probably don't think it is a big deal - but it is to me. Let me explain why:

- I originally sought out the journalist for two reasons - one was for publicity for the College and recognition of the ITC, the other for publicity for myself.

- I started this whole media thing - all the subsequent attention has been a result of what I started - not you, not Ryan.

- the articles have been about how students kicked out the consultants which is once again work that I (and people like Mal) did, not you, not Ryan. (I'd like to STRONGLY emphasis that by no means am I denying the amount of work that you (or Ryan for that matter) have done - but you guys came in after the consultants were gone)

- when I got The Age journalist, I made a point of telling him to contact you. He asked me who the photographer should take photo's of and I suggested you and me. I have tried to get you publicity along with me - yet when the time comes and you have the opportunity to do something similar, you give it to Ryan

- this has been something that I have been planning for two years. You know how much it has meant to me and how hard I have been pushing it. Frankly, i found your comment at Ben's 21st party to be really offensive. I basically said that you should have called me. You shrugged your shoulders and said 'oh well, it was Ryan's turn'. You know, compared to any other senior ITC member, Ryan has done comparitively nothing. So to say it was Ryan's turn really pissed me off.

- in many ways, it feels like you are stealing the credit. I'd like to STRONGLY emphasis that I am sure that this was not your intention! But that's how it feels. I get the ball rolling - someone else comes in and gets the photo opportunity.

So there I have got all that off my chest. As far as I am concerned, what's done is done and I'm going to leave it at that. I don't want to dwell on it anymore - just simply put it in the past and move on.

Footnote: All has turned out well since I sent this email.

Audit Day

For those of you with memories longer than mine, this is MUCH worse than budget day. For Budget Day, I had a few days to prepare. For Audit Day, I was told at 8am "Oh, we are being audited today..."

(minor panic as I wonder what is being audited)

"Uh, what's going to be audited?" (tries to keep crack in voice out - fails miserably)

"Oh, not much - the documentation, the equipment, the procedures, the legals - that's all" (in bright cheery voice of Doom)

(gulp) "Uh, so what does that leave?"

"Well, there's... uh... oh yeah, it IS everything!"

So there you go - that was te rest of my day - cleaning up frantically, printing out all the appropriate documentation, ordering it CHRONOLOGICALLY (that scared the bejeezus out of me) and getting it in officially sanctioned files. 7:30pm finish. Well, ok, so we only got 1/2 done. More tomorrow.
Food log:
  • Toasted ham cheese and tomato Turkish bread ($4.50) - nice - well toasted under instruction
  • Orange Juice (300ml) ($2.00) - OVERPRICED

Preparations for The Great Sydney Fraptabulous Everythingian Get Together are going well....

root@badtz simonc# date
Mon Mar 19 12:14:10 EST 2001

St. Patrick's Day was great fun on Saturday. Gemma and I went to Filthy McFaddens (an Irish pub actually owned and staffed by Irish) and sat in the beer garden from 2pm through 4pm, then moved inside to enjoy the traditional music and cheer. The vibe was fantastic. Gemma, being Irish, is somewhat leery of ersatz-Irishness, but she had a marvelous time. She even ate two pickled eggs, which means she'd settled right in.. &-) Home to a big homecooked dinner of lasagna and steamed organic veggies..

Sunday, Gemma stayed in bed so I took off (with Molly) on the bicycle and rode in the sun for a few hours, then had a nice lunch at a new Thai restaurant in Kingston. Did loads of paperwork later on, and reviewed some stuff sent through from the headhunter.

Today, had confirmation that Trina and Gemini are making the trip up from Melbourne for The Great Fraptabulous Everythingian Get Together, Part the Second. Part the First is tomorrow night.. Gonna be interesting..


I should have known today (Sunday, that is) was going to be a write-off. I woke up at 8:15am and realized that I had to be at work by 8, and then became even more confused when I noticed that I was still wearing my clothes from the night before. But hey, who needs pyjamas when you've got drunk?

So I rolled into work late, toothbrush in hand, and proceeded to lie on the dirty bathroom floor for the first hour of my shift while I cursed the day St.Patrick was born. The new guy was working with me (poor confused fellow), so every few minutes I got up and did things with coffee until I was forced to take refuge on my favorite bathroom floor again. We opened late, needless to say, and I absolutely REFUSED to make any Irish Cream coffee whatsoever. On top of all this, just when I started to feel vaguely alive, I ate peanut butter by accident (using the same knife to cut a bagel as someone else) and was headed for the bathroom once more.

Random memories from last night keep flashing through my head. Pints swimming in front of my face, foamy green beer froth at the bottom of a pitcher, spinning in circles with the room. I get vague flashes of some guy whipping his dick around on the patio through the window, screaming "Come on, girls! YOU LIKE IT!" I don't think I even flinched.

Even if all I got out of this weekend was a whole lot of hangover and post-weed frenzy, I think I'd call it a fine accomplishment (despite the hell that was this morning). I have no problems with the fact that I got nothing remotely school-ish done. I've pretty much given up on handing in quality work in class. That way I don't feel so guilty writing bullshit the night before. And when I weigh out the pros and cons, I'd much rather be wasting my time.

Well, I rented The Sixth Day. Apart from being scientifically inaccurate and leaving out any good philosophy, it was worth a rent. I mean, you got to see stuff blow up. That never gets old. Of course not.

I also saw Enemy At the Gates. Not bad. I thought the the /. review of it was a little harsh, I thought it was a good flick. They really should've thrown out some things though and replaced it with character building between the two snipers. More philosophy especially.

Accomplishments today;

Making an unholy mess out of the kitchen...

To explain;

I had a full day planned in the kitchen, but blew it from the get go. I'm here to tell you that starting a planned full day of cooking with a dishwasher already full of dirty dishes is a Very Bad Idea. (So is dawdling over coffee after breakfast, but that's another story entirely.) Those errors were further compounded by not realizing that both dishes I had planned to cook used the same simple piece of equipment at the same time, obviously another Very Bad Idea.

First onto the the stove this morning was my Brunswick Stew. At any rate what was supposed to have been done in the morning became the work of early afternoon. Finally after getting all the ingredients assembled and slowly simmering, I looked at the clock and figured I'd better get dinner started. Corned Beef and Cabbage in honor of St. Patrick's Day, already running very late in getting started and it too had to slowly simmer.

Disaster. Two dishes, both of which had to simmer very slowly on a gas stove, both of which were running late in the making. One flame tamer, two pots which had to simmer very slowly, and the hour already far later than it should have been. What followed was three hours of juggling pots trying to get both things to cook properly. In the end I chose to save the stew, as it thickened I could no longer prevent it from burning without the flame tamer. The corned beef would still be edible even if cooked too fast.

In the end as it continued to grow late and the corned beef was still not done, we had the Brunswick Stew for dinner. (And I forgot to add the beer to the stock the corned beef was cooked in, and forgot to drink the beer that had been chosen to accompany it. Some days you can't win for losing.) When the Corned Beef and Cabbage was done, it was carefully set aside for later in the week.

Between the two dishes, breakfast, lunch, and My Lady Wife doing a little cooking of her own, every horizontal surface in the kitchen is covered with dirty dishes awaiting their turn in the dishwasher, or for those in the drainer to dry so others may be washed.



Forgot to tell the musical things I did yesterday. I tried out some music program called MixMan and produced strange music with it.

Really strange. Really strange.

These "mix" programs seem fairly interesting things as a musician's tool, but as far as I can tell this stuff isn't "make big hits in minutes" stuff...

I also made guitar picks from Pringles tube covers.

(IBM's "Peace, Love, Linux" campaign is becoming more and more effective. Too bad my guitar is a Yamaha, and not a Finnish Landola =)


Remains seen. Time to face the challenges of the day.


Whohohohohoo! I can post stuff to E2 again from my own machine! =) My techno-stress is over! ::sigh::

I must say a few days of rest from E2 stuff helped a lot. I should have creativity breaks more often.


Ran around the town, bought something to eat...

Some games I need to buy:

  • Grand Prix 3 - I'm not into racing games in general, but if the last racing game I have played was for 286, I probably need to catch up at some point. =)
  • The Sims - I hope it's worth all this hype...


Grrrrrrr! Nethack is a game that has a telepathic UI (don't say "now I'm doing fine!" or your game will be ruined!) and the net connection seems to have looked at the NH sources. Just when I was happy it worked, it stopped working. Clucking bell.


Hacked some Java, wondered about the lack of getopt(), cursed at number formatting problems...

Weird. I just sent a writeup but this daylog won't get updated... ::scratches head::

(Still no fancy navigation...)

The knot in my stomach has returned. My wife has to go in for more spinal surgery on wednesday.

She had two vertebrae fused last august. She has recovered completely from that surgery. The surgery involved removing the damaged cartilage and replacing it with donor bone tissue and holding the bones together with a small plate and a few screws. The bones have fused and she is pain free, but now she can feel the plate in the back of her throat. She says that it feels like she always has a pill stuck in the back of her throat.

After a visit to the doctor, it was decided that the plate should come out. According to the doctor, this happens sometimes. And of course it had to be my wife. Hasn't she suffered enough?

Oh my Dear, if I could I would take the pain for you.

The acid level in my stomach is up. I can't let her know how nervous I am about the whole thing. I have to be the pillar of strength that she leans against. With a little love, a little faith, and a lot of TUMS, I know I can make it.

We make the usual statements to each other, simple surgery, nothing will happen, and so on. Talk is cheap. I know that she and I won't be settled until she's out of recovery and in her hospital room.

It's not that I can't tell her how worried I am, but if I do, she'll get worried about getting me worried, and the cycle or worry will just get worse. After she has a few days to recover, I can tell her how worried I was, and we can both laugh about it.

Sweetheart, I love you so much. I know we can get through this just like we do everything else. Together.

The Xerox Fiasco

This morning could not have been more interesting. I get into work...limping. You see I forgot my medication at work Friday, and had to do without it over the weekend. By the time today came around, I was in so much pain, it took a will beyond my own to get me into work, and up to the third floor...using the stairs.

Once I was in, I get a call from the Xerox technician that was going to be coming to fix one of our printers, and go down to let him in the building. I then took the technician over to the area where the broken printer was, and the area was locked, even though I had called the guy whose printer it was, and told him I was on my way. I then paged him, and he responded that he was busy installing 2 monitors and that it would be 20 minutes before he could get to us.

Now really, how long does it take to put a monitor on a desk and plug it in?

So, I waited, thinking that I should tell the guy that I was going to send the technician back, and have him come tomorrow. But alas, I felt nice and waited. What a morning! What a Pain!

It is really scary to reach out sometimes to people - two of the ones I loved the most, my mom and my grandfather, are the ones that let me down the hardest. That's why it is so hard for me to trust that any of my friends really do care (even if they say they do) and that I won't be bothering them or putting them out. I always feel like that is exactly what I am doing, pestering them, if I do reach out.

I have felt a lot of despair and sadness this weekend; it started at a meeting on Thursday and never got better. I get afraid to let things out sometimes - and I don't really know what to do. The people I want to share this stuff with I can't communicate with, and it feels too risky to share it with most of my friends. I don't want everyone in the world to know about this shit! Not if they really know me! It's too scary.

Like, my sister - she's 600 miles away, and frantically busy most of the time - which is her way of coping with life.

M. - I hate him again (how lucky he is to be my friend! Alternating hate and love in equal portions, whenever you least suspect it's coming - yippee dee doo dah.)

And I guess part of me only knows one way to deal with despair and sadness - eat, escape, dissociate. so I did a little of each on Sunday, it was awful. I had to go move a dining room set and some other furniture from my grandmother's house to my house and two other places.

(Of course, my dear sons did the hard work. They were very willing, it was funny, we were never willing to help out as children, and especially as teens. I don't ask much of them, it's true, but their willingness and happiness just amazed me. They were good natured and sweet the whole time. I was a nervous wreck, driving a big ass U-haul truck and dealing with my mother who was using the move as an excuse to make contact with me. I wanted no contact with her and it was driving me crazy. She wasn't doing anything particularly awful at all, I was the one who was screwed up.

I feel like shit. I feel full of hatred and anger and despair and sadness. Life sucks so damn bad, it doesn't feel like it is worth continuing to struggle. I can't even begin to imagine that it will improve.

Anyway - I keep bursting into tears, and here I am at work, 9 am in the morning. I'm going to try and pull myself together, but it's pretty fragile at this point.

Today I got a lesson in bad customer service from Bang & Olufsen. I emailed them to express my frustration and ask a few questions that their website didn't seem to answer, and got a reply stating that, in essence, they had already redesigned their site and therefore my complaint was not "justifiable".

Here's the letter they sent me, with a few comments inserted:

Hello Sylvar:

[I gave my real name, dammit; use it.]

Thank you for your comments.  I'm not exactly sure what you mean when you
say that our site is "getting in your way."

[Duh!  I mean it's getting in my way.]

First, if you click onto the Download section you can then pull up the
User's Guide for the Beotalk 1200 as a PDF file, using Adobe Acrobat as
the reader.

[Finally found it -- but there wasn't a link on the BeoTalk page.]

Secondly, if you click onto Family (for family of stores) you can then
click onto Retailers, enter your location, and pull up the dealer nearest

[Hey, if I want to know where the product is sold, I would never guess to
click on the word "Family".]

Lastly, we do not quote selling price on our products because they are
sold internationally and the exchange rates vary every day.  To obtain the
price you will want to phone a dealer in the country and area in which you

[Well, put that on your web site so people don't have to e-mail you to
find out.]

We have had justifiable complaints in the past concerning our website, but
the version which is now available is user friendly enough.

[Oh!  So your fucked-up web site is MY fault?  My complaint is not

I am not a computer guy myself, and I find it workable.  I am sorry you
didn't find it the same way. That having been said, I want you to know
that I am here to help you.


If you have difficulty and I can offer
assistance, contact me here.

Yours truly,

{deleted in the name of the Most Merciful}

Bang & Olufsen America, Inc.
Support Center
e-mail:   boa_support@bang-olufsen.dk
www:      http://www.bang-olufsen.com

So I've decided I can't buy that product after all. It would be a disservice to humanity to reward that kind of shitful customer service.

How stupid can I get?

So can this suck any more? Come home from spending the weekend at my parents' house, I find a note and a yellow slip stuck to my front door. Recognising the yellow slip I start to curse even before I finish fishing my keys out of my pocket. DAMN! Not another one1!
I grab the slip, the note, open the door and enter my smallish apartment. I try to postpone examining the two artifacts as long as possible, but after putting away all the stuff I brought home, I have no choice but to read the contents.
Damn! So much for wishful thinking. A fine, for 150 no less! For disturbing the peace in my neighbourhood. Great! And I wasn't even at home. By now I have already realised the incredibly stupid mistake I made last Saturday.
It involves my beautifully engineered waking-up system that turns off my stereo set somewhere at three in the morning2 and turns it back on again at a quarter past seven in the morning to wake me up. Having turned down the volume to a soft murmur only audible in my own room before getting into bed, of course.

Only last Saturday I left my apartment somewhere around dinnertime, after having listened to some pretty loud music. Around that time nobody is bothered anyway. The mistake lies in the combination of not covering up the remote I use to automatically turn on and off my stereo set (which I normally always do if I stay away overnight) and leaving the volume on the "too loud" setting.
So the scenario is this:
  • Stereo set is off, but with the volume dial at "too loud"
  • At the predefined time in the middle of the night, when the remote control normally automatically turns off the stereo, the remote now turns on the stereo and my CD player3 starts to play automatically
  • At seven fifteen in the morning the remote automatically turns off the stereo again
  • As my building is mainly occupied by students, most of my neighbours are away (at their parents' houses) for the weekend, so this goes on until finally4 on Monday morning the police are called by one of my neighbours and the notorious yellow ticket is attached to my front door
And I can't even be really pissed off with my neighbours or even with the police. The only one I can take out to the middle of the road and shoot through the head is myself. But this sure does suck, because I'm not that affluent to begin with...

1 It's the same as a parking ticket, which I got two of just two weeks ago; total for those two (I got two tickets for the same offence: parking where I shouldn't have - different story) was twice 90, so: 180
2 I like to fall asleep with music, and it usually takes quite some time for me to finally fall asleep
3 CD changer, actually, capacity 5 discs at a time, so most of the time it continues playing for at least five or six hours before stopping at the end of the fifth CD
4 Either that, or the neighbours suffered two nights in row before calling the police, or, I realise now, maybe it takes a couple of phone calls to the police to land one a fine of this magnitude...

Why I write daylogs...

Good question, jprockwell. It made me think about why I do it. So, here are my findings... I write for different reasons with each entry. Yesterday I wrote a letter to a friend who killed himself. I wrote it for a couple of reasons. The first and most important reason was to STOP someone else from taking that path. If I gave even one person pause to think, then it was worth opening up my heart to this slice of the world. The second reason is more selfish. I wrote it to help myself deal with the pain before it consumed me. It was my way of telling him off and allowing myself to be angry, so to speak.

Other times I write in daylogs because I'm experimenting with the functional things here on e2. I wrote a poem in daylogs to experiment with making hardlinks. I said one thing but linked another. It was an excercise on one hand, but also a commentary on how things aren't always what they seem. Writing in daylogs improves my writing elsewhere on e2.

Still other times I write to share something I've learned. Maybe, someone will learn from my mistakes or want to try something new. I do keep a personal journal other than in daylogs. There are many things I do not share at this time, but overall, I feel it is a good thing to share yourself with others. It's how we connect. It's how we find out about one another. It's a way to see that we aren't so different after all. I love reading the daylogs. They are a window to another person's heart.

Daylogs are a slice of life.
a slice, I feel worth sharing

To rid myself of sickness!

Sickness as in not speaking out, not voicing my concerns, as well as my stupid stomach flu, nervousness and stress!
I can't believe how much I've suffered for the past week being unable to eat properly, digest properly, and live properly. Thoughts come a mile a minute but have no outlet because my energies are too low to transfer them from one medium (thoughts) to another (language).

After being so sick have I realized the importance of being outspoken, having to show your emotions and state of mind. Also, the turmoil that comes with living is good. But anxiety is a symptom of other incomplete things that can amount to something seemingly formidable at first. It can be vanquished once a point-form list has been created.

This morning I find myself on a train moving home, thinking of how I have the scent of you in my breath. The weekend moved in patterns outside of our plans or expectations. Kittens and husbands passed in a confusing blur while a small black haired woman showed me, for the first time, how NYC could feel like a home.

The cold Atlantic glitters beyond the glass and I think of the warmth of her hand in central park. She said something that day that is still moving about in my mind. She said the reason she didn't have any questions for me was that she was content with me as I was, as if how and who I am somehow combined to make a me that didn't require archaeological explorations. And, I think that is something I really needed to understand. I needed to begin to understand that, even if I don't know how, I have been giving back to my friends, giving in return for the wonderful pieces of themselves they have shared with me.

There are trees outside my window now and I think of her smile and the sound of her quickly inhaled breath. We reversed the order and ended up in such an interesting place. I grin innocently and wickedly at how the first kiss came almost last.

You wanted to know of the first kiss. Your first kiss entered my life without warning feeling so right, and fitting the moment so perfectly that I'd not noticed it as "the first kiss" until it had already happened. Soft and round without awkwardness or unsureity, it felt, more than anything else, just right. Like waking with you, it was unexpected, and felt so wonderfully right.

How did I go to NYC to smile with friends and end up riding a train home with a girlfriend in my thoughts, a girlfriend in love with a husband, reunited with a wife, turned on by the girlfriend in my thoughts? How can you not smile at a universe that brings such wonderful twists and treats as these?

The sun was actually out this weekend, so we did many things and drove all over.

On Saturday we went to Home Depot and got implements of barbecue and a push broom so I could clean the porch. We visited a nursery in Solana Beach and got a tomato plant and some flowers. We ate shrimp and crab enchiladas outside at Rubio's. That night I made three highly annoying trips to the video store because every copy of Scary Movie we got on DVD failed to work in our player. Finally I broke down and got the tape, but upon my return Angela forced me to watch Cat Ballou on TCM instead. Now, two days later, I'm still waiting for it to be as funny as she's told me it is all the years we've been married

On Sunday morning we attended services at St. James By The Sea in La Jolla, a beautiful Episcopal church within sight of the Pacific Ocean. We may stay there--I would feel bad about leaving St. Tim's, but this place feels so right and St. Tim's so does not. Obviously we feel more comfortable worshipping with uptight, rich old white people than touchy-feely, rich middle-aged white people. Plus St. James serves Krispy Kreme doughnuts after services.

After church we dropped by Porkyland so I could scope out the place prior to the E2 gathering. It seeemed cool, though I was initially alarmed at the LACK OF AN ACTUAL RESTAURANT. All the seating is outdoors, and is shared with two other restaurants. It's basically a mom-and-pop fast food place in a swanky neighborhood, but I realized that this means we'll bypass that horrible ordeal wherein we all try and divide up the check. Yay!

We finally watched Scary Movie that afternoon. Oy.

We then drove to Brian's and picked up his mountain bike, which is now mine, mine, mine, and means I won't be spending fifty bucks a month to ride the bus to and from work.

So you'd think with all this I would have been happy all weekend long. And yet I wasn't. Nor was I was sad and annoyed the entire time, but often enough to really make me pissed off at myself. I felt cheated, was cheating myself out of enjoying a weekend the likes of which I've been dreaming about for months just because every little thing didn't go my way.

I think the pressure's getting to me. I want to have some philanthropist pay my many debts so I can quit my job and dig ditches and write novels.

Today was a good day. I went to get my hair cut yesterday and I was so skeptical about it. I have had long hair for so long, but it was so dry, damaged, and hard to maintain.So I caved in and walked to my nearest hair cuttery and cut my hair,which is now shoulder length. When I walked in to school today I got a shower of compliments and I was the center of attention which I have never been because I am so shy and am hardly noticed for my lack of speech. I am not conceited or shallow, but who could blame anyone for having feelings of acceptance although I don't appreciate that it was for my new hair cut. Later that day I wanted to sign up to get a job at an ice cream parlor near my house, but was rejected, by my parents. "No daughter of mine is going to work at some fast food place." So here I am marveling at the lack of weight on my head and waiting to recieve a reply from my parents at which job I could work at.

For those that know me in person and in real life, don't worry. I'm not insane. And this is going to have to be my last day log, for reasons I will explain briefly. Well, I will write again, but they can't include Him. And I will no longer call this person Him. He isn't deity.

My weekend was ok. I went out a couple of times, which I haven't done in a while. I went to a thing for UC Santa Barbara, which was interesting. I might go there, I'm really unsure right now. I think I'm going to visit there and UC Berkeley to decide. I worked, and saw a school play too.

Last night I was online, and Jesse came on. I hadn't talked to him since thursday and since I've been busy all weekend I didn't have a chance to call him. I said hey, even though he always says it first. We talked for a couple minutes, and then he said he had the answer to the question I asked him. Which was basically about us getting back together. He said no. I didn't really care, I mean I was actually planning on backing off anyway and letting him decide things for himself. I asked him how he came to this decision. He said www.everything2.com.

I suppose he had read everything I wrote on here about him. I didn't think he would care enough to read it so I never have discretion when I node about things we do or how I feel. I had tried so hard to not tell anyone in real life about us and then he yells at me for writing about it on here. I have to tell someone I guess, he thinks that I can't keep my mouth shut, it's always something that causes us to say we'll never speak again. But of course we talked later that night, and I promised him that I wouldn't write about him anymore. So this is it. Of course he said we wouldn't have anything to write about, but I know how that always goes.

What I ate today:
One brownie (about 10:30 AM)
A bowl of salad (5:30 PM) One half pint of Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream (To Russia with Buzz flavor) (9:00 PM)

I worked all day with my father today on one of our rental properties, pulling logs and brush up a hill as numerous trees were cut down on the property to clear up the land and view.

It was terrible.

Today was a by the book day.

Spiido Riidingu Tesuto

I took my Japanese Kanji speed-reading test today. I had a couple of minor brain-farts (like not remembering how to say the rest of the numebr eight in a particular context). It made the teacher laugh. I hope I sitll get an A.

Worked on Stuff

Finally solved the memory mapping issue I was having on the OS-That-Shall-Remain-Nameless. Damn, why can't they just document this stuff?

Dinner With Dad

My brother and I joined my dad for dinner over at his house. He made some middle-east influenced chicken. He still hasn't got out of that groove since he came back from Moracco. Pretty damn tasty.

I then beat his ass in backgammon 4 games to 1. I am not five points away from taking the one-hundred point match we started way back in '99. Yay!

Then I listened to my dad and my brother Jam heavy metal. Ah such a wierd bunch of people we are...

What's the Deal With Hell Anyway?

Driving back home my brother and I saw a church with this written on a glowing sign. We got out to take pictures. A car saw us and speed away like they were going to be getting somebody (hey, were not vandals, we were just taking pictures, man!). We wrapped up in a hurry.

If you want to see the pictures, or anything else I have taken /msg me and I will shoot you the URL.

More Kanji and Other Stuff Noded

Sat down to a very healthy noding session, and noded the followling:

All the kanji makes me sad and makes me think of sensei.

I had today off for St. Patricks day, so I made the most of it by going into Belfast to buy the new Manic Street Preachers album, Know Your Enemy. I've listened to it a few times now, and... it doesn't suck as much as the last album. ;)

I also bought the Dancer in the Dark DVD set, with the screenplay and soundtrack CD. I watched the trailer for it and was almost crying by the end of it. Then I decided I'd watch it again... I watched the first half or so, which doesn't have any sad bits in it, then turned it off - what a weenie!

well today breaks the previously set record of 8 months, which was actually only a rough estimate. today my girlfriend and i embark into unknown territory. and as much as we both say that it doesn't matter breaking the old record, we both still think it's damn cool. i know it's crazy to think about, but i can almost see myself wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. sure i'm only 18, and we've only been dating for 8 months. but still, i dont know what it is, but there's somthing in this relationship that's special. sure, sure, everyone says that, but something is really there that makes it.... oh i dont know the right words for it. there's just something there thats fully incredible. i love her more than i ever thought it was possible to love someone else. and whats better is that i know without a doubt that she loves me with all her heart. we share a lot of the same views in life, in love and in almost everything else. i love her, and it's great.

I never understood how people could lose themselves. I certainly didn't think it would ever happen to me. But it did. And I understand (at least a little bit) because now I'm lost. I'm not sure exactly how or when it happened, but I know it's not like misplacing your keys. I can't ask anyone to help me turn the room upside down to find myself. But I need to find myself as quickly as possible..hopefully by the end of the semester or sooner so maybe my grades won't be *totally* shot. But I'm almost afraid to put a time limit on it. I mean, if I haven't found myself by then, does it mean I'm lost forever?

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