I'm in a twilight zone between having resigned from a job and finding a new one. Perhaps not twilight, perhaps it is just night-time, between the sunset and the inevitable sunrise...

I started at my last job with such high hopes and expectations. My retrospective view is stained with some bitterness, but not so much as to be unclear. I've learned that one of the most dangerous things a company can do with their key staff is to over-promise and subsequently under-deliver. The problem is, of course, when one is being over-promised to, only a cynic would not believe, and I'm not one who is normally cynical.

So I spent 22 months of my precious life labouring towards a future that would never be. I was promised equity in a spin-off business. I was promised a significant development facility staffed by geeks of my own choosing. I was promised international travel. I was promised a pot of gold.

Most (if not all) others in the organisation have similar stories to tell. The best and brightest leave. Only mediocre staff remain. Which compounds the cycle.

That none of these things eventuated is not due to crash-dot-com in 2000 or the tech wreck in 2001. This state of unhappy parting is down to a misunderstanding of generosity. On one hand the owner is an extremely generous fellow -- open nights at the bar, weekends away, plenty of RAM. But on the other hand, he can't let go of anything really important, like direction, influence, control, peer-level participation. It takes an extraordinary man or woman to take complete control and perform impeccably.

What results is an environment of blame. And all the best people leave.

I'm mostly sad. It could have been great, if only the boss had eased off the gifting (which is merely beads and blankets after all) and opened the power structure a little.

I'm seeing my headhunter again today, meeting number two. I'm pretty excited by the Gartner opportunity. I never realised they did hardcore consulting work. They sound like a smart bunch of people. I'm ready to work with smart people. People who I don't have to dumb everything down for.

I guess I'm feeling confident. Everyone around me says I should be. But after 22 months of being told "relax, everything's gonna be great!", I suppose I'm a little gun-shy. It's critical to me and my sanity that I move soon though.

So I’m going to school, much in the same way I do most every day. I go to cross this street... busy 109th street. I press the button for the pedestrian light. The morning sun blinds me, making it difficult for me to see if the light has gone red to stop traffic. Cars seem to be stopping, so I think it has. I go to take a step into the street.

But for some reason, I stop. I flinch. I delay. Whatever you want to call it, something cause me to refrain from crossing the street at that second.

I glance left. ZOOM. A bus comes flying past, probably speeding up to get through the yellow light.

In case you didn’t quite catch what happened, I came within one step of being hit by that speeding bus, and wouldn’t have even seen it coming. Had I not flinched for a couple seconds, my life would have taken a dramatic turn. Death, or at least serious injury, would have been almost guaranteed.

At first, it hadn’t really occurred to what had just happened. If you were watching me, you wouldn’t have noticed anything out of the ordinary. After I had crossed the street and walked into school, it really dawned on me: I was just one step away from death. Every thing I had planned for the next week would have been irrelevant, because my primary concern would probably be regaining the ability to walk. That is, of course, if I was alive and conscious.

It got me thinking... why did I pause, and not make the unknowing step of death? Was is just coincidence? I’m not a particularly religious person, so I haven’t really considered the concept of being saved by a higher entity. After all, what more is a miracle other than a very improbable event?

Even to this point, I don’t think I’ve fully realized how close I came. Somehow, I think it’s shown me how much I take my life for granted. I mean, here I am, stressed out by my writer's block on this capital punishment essay, and had I been hit by the bus, I would want nothing more than to be sitting in this uncomfortable chair, beside that annoying girl that has her music playing nice and loud to annoy the world.
Budget Day

I never thought it would be this bad. I am a relatively young person to be in a management role. At just 22, I am already at the level where I am putting together a budget for the Australian Technology Park - an organisation that deals at state and federal level - and here's me, a small little network engineer, about to ask a Minister for $150,000. Eeek.

It's harder than it looks. I have to JUSTIFY what I am to spend money on. Dates of installation of hardware. Number of software licences, and their uses. It is a lot of work. But at least it will be better to have access to money, instead of the zero dollar budget I had previously - any expenditure I had was to be made up from income from the tenants on the Park. The bottom line? Prices go up. And being in I.T., I can't just raise outgoing expenditure like Matthew the property manager can. He adds 5 cents per square meter to their rent, and over 40,000m2 that adds up to a lot of added revenue for him to spend! Previously all my revenue came from the tiny margin I place on wholesale selling of Internet access to the tenants. Luckily, we do over 120Gb of data transfer per month. So the 1% I make is actually worth a pretty penny.

I went and saw Skunkhour last night at the Unibar - they are a local modern rock commentary band. They were great - but the most amusing moment was when they started - everyone had packed the floor, and they started playing - any self respecting Australian knows that they aren't too hard, they arent too dancy, so people were just kind of, well, confused. All they could do was kind of move a bit, sway a bit. It was very cool.

While I was there I ran in to Celeste, a great friend of mine from uni who I haven't seen in ages. Kind of because she went to Africa for a year to travel! Celeste is cool, she is absolutely gorgeous - about 5'6", slim and small frame, pixie features and quite large breasts for such a small frame - and totally bisexual. The relationship is totally platonic and we enjoy the banter that goes on between us in regards to relationships - my lovely long-term girlfriend and her choices in partners. She hooked up with a cute girl Michelle - 5'3", cute and slim, and they had fun - sitting in the Quiet Bar and kissing solidly for 1/2 an hour, while every guy in the bar was staring - Celeste likes that - a bit of power to her. So I was there, drinking my B&C and listening to the lewd comments, fending off drunken offers to the girls and elevating my position as "luckiest guy there" - the times when Celeste had unlocked herself from Michelle's lips she talked to me, and always ended it with a big kiss on my cheek for looking after them so well - much to the chagrin of the guys watching.

I ended up driving home after sobering up for a good three hours - I never ever drink and drive - people who do that are bloody idiots. One drink always needs two hours minimum of non-alcoholic drinks to allow people to drive in my eyes. I dropped Celeste off at the railway station and all in all it was a great night out.

It didn't start that way though. This girl Celeste knew only briefly (think two weeks) turned up out of the blue, already a bit sloshed. She had a hip flask of bourbon and kept adding it to the Cokes she got from the bar. At about 9pm she was "in trouble" - 9pm for gods sake! - and ended up threatening to kill herself because all she could do to forget her life was drink - *sigh* - another suicide averted by me talking to them. I used to be known as "Father K" because of my good nature and always-available ear. I helped her, but unfortunately all I could hear were my friends saying "leave her - she brought it on herself, she's a big girl blah blah blah..." But I am not that sort of guy. I helped her, calmed her down, got her sober, and bundled her in to a taxi. Just in time for Skunkhour - and the night got steadily better!
People have often said "Why do you do it?" As in hang around and not participate. I love helping. I also have no problem with my own sexuality and thus no insecurities about it. So what? If Celeste was going hammer and tongs with a guy, noone would think twice. But obviously Michelle was no guy, so people stared. GROW UP! They are both nice people, both good people, but they don't dig guys - they like them, but not physically - I have recognised that and can live with it.
All in all a successful evening!

Tomorrow will be a good day.
Tomorrow I go home to start spring break.

Tomorrow I rest.

Tomorrow I sleep.

Tomorrow is a new beginning.

Tomorrow I am happy.
The saga continues...

Well, last night (technically Wednesday) I went and saw my acting professor in a play here in Philadelphia. The play was called Slapped--it's a translation of the play He Who Gets Slapped by the Russian symbolist Leonid Andreyev. I will say he was quite good--I forgot that I was watching my professor and really started thinking of him as the character--success, I would guess. Afterwards, I waited outside like the love-struck schoolgirl that I am, (see February 20, 2001) to congradulate him. (For the record, it was about 32° F last night, and I was wearing a skirt and no gloves. Dumb.) So wait I did, and finally he came out with a woman (girlfriend? I know he isn't married...). He was quite surprised to see me. I tried to sound intelligent, but god knows I can't do that, so I babbled about the play, the ending, and how much I liked it, sounding like a fool. Finally I wandered off like an idiot, mad at myself.

Ah, but here's where the madness kicks in. I laid in bed later that night, I thought about a conversation I'd had with my friend Kate, about how much we both love theatre, and how all our friends have been involved in acting and production elements, etc. So, it occured to me--why not start our own acting troupe? Kate's in school for clothing design--she can be our costume expert. My sister is a film major, but has also worked in theater as a stage manager; I'm trying to be a playwrite and actress; the rest of my friends are in the same way--artists, actors, etc. I'm the only one with any training in an actual school of acting (Stanislavski), but I'm not thinking of this taking off any time real soon. There's a lot of planning we have to do. But why not do it? If we suck, we'll find out soon enough and learn from our mistakes.

I can hear the "buts" already. "But what about money?" "But what about time?" "But what about talent?" Buts be damned! I'm going for it.

It's Friday, and my week off is coming to a close. It's good to have some time off from the emergency department. The few days I spent in the Gold Coast were fun - the Giant Drop in Dreamworld is a particularly scary ride ... picture yourself strapped in and lifted to 120m above ground level, freefalling to nearly ground level before they stop you. I was all tingly, especially in my fingers for a while after that.

On the financial side of things, gold lease rates have jumped up again. Together with gold stocks in the U.S. jumping up at the same time, it smells a lot like September 1999 for the gold market just before the Washington Agreement, except that one year lease rates are not as high now ... yet.

Another poor showing from NASDAQ stocks today. The problem with the NASDAQ is that, on the NASDAQ composite index, there is technically no support below 2000 until ... oh ... about 1500 ... or 1000. All the stock bulls are still out in force, notably Abby Cohen who has just recommended a move to 0% cash - this is NOT a sign of a market bottom. There is more pain to follow.

In significant finance news today, the Japanese finance minister, having said a week ago that the Japanese economy was "in critical recession", today said that the "the nation's finances are now abnormal, in a state relatively close to collapse". This from the second largest economy in the world. Brrr.... not good. Does anyone else feel a cold chill blowing through the room?

In other news, Intel slashes 5,000 jobs and gave another profit warning. The bad news just keeps on coming. Not a good time to be bullish on technology - the bargains you think you're getting today ... they'll be cheaper soon.

Personally, I bought a few more Cable & Wireless Optus put options today here on the Australian Stock Exchange with some funny money - hoping for the takeover deal from Singapore Telecom to fall through. Already got a bunch of call options for some local gold mining companies.

On this date in 1876, Alexander "gangsta" Bell patented the telephone.

I have a small picture of Michael Armstrong in my wallet. IS THAT SO WRONG?!

Moving on. Yesterday morning I went to Networld/Interop in Darling Harbour for an NFR demonstration, then left to eat lunch at Mae Thai on Pitt Street. If you're anywhere near Chinatown, you should eat there, and try the cashew chicken.

I returned to the Networld conference to see Gil Shwed give a keynote talk at 1500. Mr. Shwed is the President and CEO of Check Point, as you may or may not know...and I had a prime front-row seat, whence I threw sundry undergarments. Not really.

Shwed has an OPSEC agenda, and thus his main point was the importance of a security infrastructure. He said that there is a blurred distinction between the "inside" and the "outside," and that perimeter security is not enough. He stressed VPNs, and said "unleash the power" four times, whether it was unleashing the power of connectivity, or the Internet, or Pokemon. Okay, he never mentioned Pokemon.

2/3 of their sales are VPN servers. They have over 10 million VPN clients. It's a fact!

Today (to be timely) I'm studying for my third certification test. I just can't get enough! I also drank a short black, in a daring shift from the flat white, and nearly gagged.

This weekend we may go to a wildlife park to see indigenous beasties, and since Sydneysiders can't seem to go a fortnight without some kind of parade, we may check out the St. Patrick's Day drama on Sunday for a few minutes. And if simonc would extend this fraptabulous get-together thing (what the hell is fraptabulous?) before I leave....ahem....

I hate conference ho's.

update on my progress at Rose-Hulman

Because I took two humanities courses last quarter, I can now take four computer courses: operating systems, file structures, UNIX System programming, and computer architecture 2. Expect to see the results here on E2.

writeup maintenance

Yesterday, I completely rewrote Zoop in the style of Spellevator and Centipede.


Want to see the Boob Raider level editor on the Mac? Sign this petition:

Today a cold morning and a brilliant blue sunshine day. The first cold morning of the season it seemed to me.

Each day I think to myself, have I gone forwards or backwards? It is not as though life for me is a series of hurdles to overcome as at uni - once they are gone, a feeling of relief. At uni life was defined by the success of still being alive at the end of the university year! For me now life is a series of challenges, and the way I handle each one impacts on my life. A challenge can be overcome, an opportunity maximised. On the other hand, procrastination or failure to take things head on can have long term implications.

Sometimes failure (myopia)to see the result of your actions or the importance of a situation happens. Sometimes self doubt, or rather confidence in the likelihood of failure, gets in the way. Sometimes the urge to cope with your situation is greater than the urge to take action. I suppose these feelings are the same as I felt at uni, its just that life is now more complex, less threatening, but more serious.

Today I listened to Andy Thomas' description of the experience of launching a space shuttle. There is no doubt that that description remains with me as I think about what is about to happen in my life - I hope a period where my actions are positive, they are building a way forward.

Went to class late, left early. Dozed and journaled. I might be sorry that I was late; this time I actually care enough to fill out a nasty instructor evaluation, and I might have missed the opportunity. I might as well live.

Talked to a financial aid counselor who said I'm close to losing my scholarship, but not so close as I'd previously thought. Ran errands for the rest of the day; tried to pick up a graded paper from a prof who was consistently not in his office (car trouble; previously, he brought the wrong papers to class; it's comforting to know that even responsible, intelligent adults act like complete chuckleheads at times).

The buckle came off the left of my favorite pair of shoes last week. I left them to get repaired today in a particularly, impressively friendly downtown shop, then wandered into the bookstore next door. Didn't buy anything; I lurk in bookstores like dirty old men lurk in playgrounds.

Back to campus to look for my still-absent prof and still-missing paper. Then I backtracked across campus to home. My feet and ankles hurt. I miss my other shoes.

Listened to a mix tape from Selena and attempted to nap. Flirted. Studied. Worried. Dinner.

Miss, miss, miss.

Strange, irrelevant details have been prevalent in my head these past few days. I was driving behind a car missing its right brake light, and the car behind me was missing it’s left headlight. The same right-brake-light-less car in front of me was a Ford Tempo from Friendly Motors in Muskegon. The car itself was an interesting shade of teal. As I turned off that one street and west onto Lakewood, I soon came up behind another Ford, this one a 450-something-or-other -- and the exact same teal hue of the previously mentioned Ford. Coincidence? Probably.

We had our district MSBOA Festival today at WOHS, same as every year. I was intimidated into volunteering to be a guide for a few of the visiting bands. Becky Malis and I were assigned to the first band of the day – Holland Freshman. They were scheduled to perform at eight. I waited for them to arrive at the south entrance, but they never showed up. Turned out they had already gone into Warm Up a half hour earlier. I was yelled at for a good fifteen minutes by our dear beloved Mr. Christopher. Seeing as how he’s the busiest man on earth, fifteen minutes of his time is a lot. It was not very good quality time, however. Becky soon arrived on the scene and bailed me out by taking the little man’s wrath upon herself, since she had gotten to school even later than I had. We escaped arm-in-arm and ran off to help guide our band.

This went on all day. We waited at the door for our specific band to arrive, showed them to the West Balcony where they were to leave cases and coats, and then took them down to Warm Up at their scheduled time (half hour before performance). We were then expected to keep an eye on stage and let the director know when the previous band had completed its concert, thus allowing for the next band’s set-up crew to get working on counting the number of stands and lovely padded blue chairs set in symmetrical arcs around the director’s podium out in front of the judges. We had to make sure our band got to the auditorium at their scheduled performance time, of course, and if anything was running late, we were immediately blamed. No one took into consideration the fact that we couldn’t let the next group in til the one before was finished – how were we to control the length of their performances?

After our band finished its performance, which we were to wait patiently through, we led them to the Sight Reading room, in which we sat for twenty minutes or so for that whole ordeal. Listening to a class D Freshman band sight read music is extremely painful. I tried not to wince too openly.

We led (well, “guided” would be the appropriate term) the cattle (er… band) back up to their balcony, where we waited with them til they were prepared to leave. We were then sent to tell their charter buses they were on the way. It was snowing outside, of course. We then ran all the way back to our band and said the buses were waiting patiently. Becky and I waited while they slowly assembled themselves in a long line, and then we led them through the exit and out into the snow, holding the doors wide open and letting the dime sized flakes form layers on our uncovered heads. It’s was great fun.

This went on from 7:30am til three in the afternoon. We managed to find time to run to Blimpie between bands and eat while waiting between performances. Overall, a stressful day.

I got home around four, talked with my brother for awhile, and then took back off for school after changing into my beautiful black trash bag concert dress with the nice elastic sequin belt that I prefer to use as a headband, hippie-style. It makes Mr. C incredibly angry, and after the misery he put me through all day, I was ready to take any revenge available.

Our performance went extremely well. We’re always the last band to perform, being AA and of high reputation. We played almost perfectly in most stuff but could have done better in sight reading. We ended up getting straight Is – it’s on to Regionals next, I believe. Maybe it’s State. It’s all the same to the performers.

Went out to eat at Applebee’s with the girls afterwards. We made general fools of ourselves and played games involving guessing the color or people’s underwear. It was entertaining, as always. Of the six different desserts on the menu, we ordered five.

After fully satiating ourselves, we were off to watch the new version of The Exorcist on DVD. It was much more scary than the original. The scene where possessed Reagan runs down the stains upside down and drooling blood was particularly frightening. We then were forced to watch In and Out to lighten the mood before heading home for the night.

Upon arriving at my house, I noticed my brother’s car was missing from the driveway. Seeing as how it was well past midnight, and he is still stuck with an Operator’s License, with which one cannot drive past the hour of twelve in the morning. I thought some emergency had come up, so I ran inside to see if my parents were around to tell me what was going on. Turns out Adam had snuck out, the devious little bastard, and I had accidentally blown his secret. Oops. Maybe now he’ll give me back that hundred dollars I let him borrow a month ago.

But now I must prepare myself for the long drive tomorrow to Albion, home of Pam, and from there the equally long drive to Ann Arbor, where our loving boyfriends reside. Wish us luck.

Jivin' Jesus in Go-Go Boots!

I was a vegetarian for three years. I know the wonders of soy and tofu, but this breakfast misfit in front of me has got to be an abomintation to even the healthfood gurus.

Morningstar breakfast sammich, or words to that affect. "Meat-like protein pattie". Meat-like, my ass! If I had originally wanted meat, I would have eaten cow, plain and simple. I'm expecting nuts, twigs and berries. And for all you gluton-fairies out there...this thing's packed with the stuff. And egg whites, ugh! The humanity! That means that only Beady-Eyed Vegetarians could consume this stuff. And a bun as tough as a nylon bookbag.....

Can you tell I'm visiting my mom's? Full of weird veggie cheese and stuffs that you might almost call food at first glance. I remember when I moved back to this area...god, this feels like forever ago, like two years ago. Yep, that's about right, and as soon as we walked through the side door we were greeted with hotdogs! Smothered in cheap yellow mustard....though I prefer just ketchup and relish on mine, thanks so much.

But I digress, I was supposed to be doing something more productive today than bitching about breakfast. Oh yeah...I got to go get my lisense back. Heh.

Oh man. Where to begin.. I just need to rant. I don't want to be kept up another night because I'm thinking too much again.
I'm going to a rave tomorrow night in san antonio with a friend of mine. I am incredibly excited. However, something always has to rain on my parade. I think my ex is going to be there. Why?!?! Grrr...
I thought that I was getting over him, but recently I have been feeling things that I shouldn't toward him. No more nasty 'I wish you were dead you asshole' thoughts. More like 'poor him, I wish there was something i could do' thoughts. I can't have these thoughts. If I have these nice thoughts then that means that I dont hate him. If the anger isn't there then what is going to keep me from messaging him up and saying "Hi, its me"...

Things have been going ok for me. School isn't stressing me out as bad as it used to. I finally made some friends in my classes. My hair is this excellent colour of aqua, I mean what could be missing?

I'll tell you what is missing...
I get out of class on Wednesdays at 8, incredibly tired and stressed. I would like to be able to come home to arms stretched open and lay in then all nite to take the nasty day away.
That is what is missing.
Love is missing from my life. I'd like some.
Not that normal : First date kiss, Second date maybe more, Third date in the sack, kind of love. I want passionate, spontaneous love.
I want someone to make me feel... to make me feel, well...to make me feel like he made me feel.

So I don't know what to do. I want to see him. But I don't. I want to move on. But I can't. I need to hate him, but I have no hate left. I don't know if what I'm feeling is love for him, or perhaps just lingering curiousity.


This morning, I washed my hair, and then came up to London to use a decent Internet connection. I found that the EasyEverything net cafe had installed webcams, so when I make the appropriate level, I'll now have a means of putting my mugshot on my homenode. I'll go shopping in Westminster a bit later, and might eat at Mr Au, which is not so very far from here. I also bought the new Private Eye, which is going on about Lord Archer and his unusual sexual tastes.

Update: EasyEverything at Charing Cross crashed, depriving me of the webcam usage I had paid for. I went to the Tottenham Court Road branch to continue my usage, and they wouldn't let me have the rate I'd been paying at Charing Cross - their rate here is some 1/3 as good. Moreover, everyone I'd been IRCing with had logged off by the time I got back, and I'm using a keyboard made sticky by coffee. Life sucks.

Further update: I pressed the cursor keys, and cold coffee welled up out of the keyboard. At that point, I decided I wasn't getting a good deal. I'm now on a fresh machine, and I've emailed EasyEverything's staff with a letter of complaint. I'll keep E2 posted with the progress of this complaint - it might be interesting.

Spending a great deal of time today learning all about IBM Visual Age for Java. Or should that be Visual Age for Java? I'm not sure. I have the trusty Dell loaded up with the WebSphere test environment. Comence learning. Kind of nice for a change to get on to something new.

I'm leaving for Texas on sunday to spend two days learning the structure of an application that I'll be maintaining and extending. It will be nice to be somewhere warm, but I hate being away from the wife and kids. Oh well.

Time to dust off my Java and get up to speed on my html.

Thought of the day: Daylog voters are very fickle.

I finally finished noding all of Stephen Crane's The Black Riders and Other Lines this morning.
I then realized that I had put the published date as 1900, when in fact it was 1905. crap.

I highly recommend reading it all, if not here then at your leisure in a book.

Work is boring. I don't have enough to do, so I just screw around all day. That's cool and all, but next week I am getting an intern. What am I going to tell her to do? I am a programmer... she wants to learn programming...

I think I am going to give her a copy of QBasic and tell her to whip me up some screen savers.

Picked up a book I haven't read for a long time - 9 years? Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out, a collection of stories and thoughts and feelings from MPD people. Went to meeting, saw M. He was extremely blue, felt like he'd pissed his life away. Of course I disagreed entirely. Then he complained of how people wouldn't notice for days if he walked off a pier. I ended up kissing him (I had been wanting to for awhile) and he felt a little better.

But isn't this just true for many people anyway? I mean, really, I know three single women very well, who have friends that love them dearly but wouldn't miss them for several days if not weeks, if they didn't hear from them. Their job would miss them before their friends would. This is a very common thing, and it doesn't mean they aren't loved or needed. I would certainly be one of those people if I had chosen (1) not to have children or (2) not taken Brad in when he was 13. If I didn't have a house I couldn't afford, I wouldn't have roommates, and would be living alone too.

I also do believe you create your own world according to your gifts and your problems. If I am an addict, and I am active in my disease, and this is my ONLY problem (that never happens but just pretend) then one of the first things I do is to make sure my environment fits my addiction. I isolate from healthy people. I hang out with dysfunctional addictive sorts who either indulge in their addiction with me or who enable me to continue in my addiction without giving me grief. If I have other problems, and I am playing out those issues over and over, then I again mold my environment so it will help me play them out.

So if I start getting healthier, getting out of my addiction, I look around at my unhealthy, chaotic environment and see how awful and rank it is and hate myself. This doesn't work either. Being gentle and loving myself works. Understanding why I had to do it this way works. Being grateful for yet another chance to grow and grow up works. Counting my blessings as I reshape my world works too. I used to pick misogynistic men as partners and lovers. As I've matured, I've picked healthier and healthier men. But it's all a matter of degree. My newer friends are warmer and more nurturing then the ones I used to pick. And healthier!

Well, I'm still out of commission. I did however get to see the doctor yesterday, and he has me on two drugs for the Bacterial infection, and he switched the drug I take to control my Muscle and Joint pain (which we don't have a cause for yet) from Celebrex to Mobic which is a new drug on the market. For the infection, I am taking Hydrocodone/Guaifenesin Syreth in a liquid form, and Tequin 400Mg tablets. The Tequin is kind of funny, cause I just did a write-up on it a week or so ago. Strange. Good thing I'm not one of the rare cases that has some of the side-effects, except for drowsiness, and a lack of concentration.

Anyway, I get to pick my boone companion up from the vet today at 1:00PM and will have to watch her for a day or so closley to make sure she does not eat out her stiches! I suppose whe will be a little more calm after being fixed, but I'm not sure. But I can hope so, right? With her being Shih-Tzu, she is one wild puppy!

I suppose I shall get out my voting wand, and then go and start some research on Fibre Myalgia, because that is what the doctor believes may be causing my bone and muscle pain, but alas I have yet to be diagnosed formally.


I suppose I am just tired, but this week seemed like it would never end. Migraines for three days straight will wipe any person out. I tried medicine and sleep, which normally works fine, but this time it just wouldn't go away. I don't even know why I am writing this.. I guess to just get it out of my system. Things are really tough right now, but I will survive, I always do. I just wish I could think of a good title for my node... I can't seem to write it without a title, and I can't find the title that I need. Perhaps this weekend, after some sleep, something will come to me. Inspiration will strike and I will node like a madwoman... or... perhaps I will just continue to lurk. Whatever will be, will be. Sorry for whining, just needed to vent.

It seems my manager has lightened up a bit. Either someone talked to him about my concerns, or he realized he was being a dolt.

Either way, I'm happier.

My vacation is 10 days away, and I'm looking forward to it. A whole week to do absolutely nothing. I was going to fly to Florida to visit my parents, but plane tickets are just another way of extorting money from the public, so I'm going to pass on it until next month. I considered driving, but an eight-hour drive by oneself is not one of the most fun things in the world to do.

Weekends are a good thing. I'm going to redesign my network this weekend, so that should occupy me a bit. Tomorrow is also the day I am going to attempt to ask the girl from Blockbuster if she wants to go to Barnes and Noble for some coffee.

I hope she says "yes". That would make me pretty happy. (DUH!)

Lunch Log: Spaghetti Warehouse 15-Layer Lasagna, Italian Wedding Soup, Fresh Bread. (Couldn't finish it. Brought extra back to the office. Mmmm.)

Hi all. Just a note to beg forgiveness for accidentally submitting yesterday's daylog about a billion times by accident. It was late, I was tired, E2 was being slow and I was impatient and didn't think. I've placed nuke requests for the offending double-postings, reduced all but one of the duplicates to nodeshell (leaving the original writeup and an apology similar to this one, the latter of which is also nukebait).

Again, sorry to have cluttered the nodegel.

Last night I did something I thought I would never do with Him.

I can't say it in so many words, for fear that people that know me will read this. No one gets to know, it was decided between me and Him that this would be a secret. It's for our best interest. He has this sort of girlfriend, still, the dumb bitch. She tugs Him along on a string, kisses Him in between classes and yet won't call Him her boyfriend. And she fucks Him, grrr. Not my concern though.

I got home from my game last night, academic league again, which we lost miserably. Like 100-30 or something. I don't care. My friend had to take me home, because I still don't have a car. It sucks. We went and got Mexican food and I felt sick and cold afterwards. When I got home, I heard the phone ringing. It was my friend's boyfriend who was looking for her. She wasn't there. Then the phone rang a couple minutes later. It was Him. He wanted to know why my friend's boyfriend was calling His house to ask for my number. Makes sense, although I don't know why He just didn't ask him. A feeble excuse to talk to me perhaps? We talked for a while, we do that lately.

I talked Him into coming and getting me. On one condition, this would happen. There would be pretty much only one thing that would compel Him to drive over to my house, pick me up, take me back to His house and then take me home. I don't feel much different. People say you do, maybe it was not that great. I have no emotional attachment anymore which helps alot. I almost laughed on the way home. I wrote my name on His passenger side window, while the windows were fogged up, (purely because of the weather) hoping that someone will see it next time He has someone in his car. Maybe so someone could know that there was still a me and Him, in one form or another.

The day has just begun, after a long night of vivid nightmares. frater shinma's broken mind has become infectious, and i share his terrifying visions every time i close my eyes. it's not exactly having a positive effect on my midterm-taking skills. i woke up for the third day running with a bloody nose...i'm certain that this writeup appears madly disjointed, but somehow, that seems appropriate; i feel madly disjointed. i'm at work now, and i've *just* realised that there are bloodstains on my shirt.

but the day, despite the fact that it is still blurry and pitching like a ship in a fog, just got exponentially better. glancing over at the chatterbox, i notice that Starrynight has left me some unprecedentedly nice sentiments which i decline to repeat, out of respect for his blessed sanity. but the world is spinning again...there are things i should be doing, i'm sure of it, but they just keep slipping away...

The ultra secret mustache project

Mission: grow a phat mustache a la Tom Selleck.
Goal: Reaction, notoriety, fame, and infamy.

Now entering week five of the project. Current status of the mustache: full.

Peer comments

  • ”It makes you look old...like 40.”
  • ”It looks like you don’t have an upper lip.”
  • ”You look like a molester” (Said by a guy who I suspect could be a molester.)
  • “I thought the chops were cooler.” (refering to the ultra secret sideburn project of last semester)
  • ”You look good without the mustache.”
  • “You look like a porn star.”
  • ”You’re too good looking to have a mustache.”

Conclusions and comments: Apparently women think I am good looking! (Or were those just clever ways of telling me tactfully to shave?) No matter! It is nice for the opposite sex to tell you that you're hot (just not with the mustashe). My best cheezy pick-up line, “If I shave the mustache would you go out with me?” Cheezy? Yes. Successful? We will see after Spring Break 2001. Gained a new nickname, “stach” out of the deal, will it stick when I do shave?


That's right children, it's playtime, it's Friday>.
Although, Friday isn't shaping up to be anything great. Thus far I've gotten out of bed, gone to work, and realized that the concert I was going to go to tonight is actually tomorrow night.
This leaves me in a peculiar predicament: Nothing to do.

Being the homeschooled highschool senior that I am, I've decided to investigate, and infiltrate (or find and fuck) a "stupid high school party". I've been to many of these, but not since I quit going to public school after my junior year. Basically, I'm not into getting drunk, and I don't smoke pot, and there is nothing to do tonight here in Ashville, so the high school party sounds like something that I can do to entertain myself until it's nighty-nighty time.
Whether I can actually find a stupid highschool party or not is another question entirely, because most of my friends are either not in highschool, or they aren't the "party type".

If all else fails... well, I'll just stay up all night noding.
I haven't written a daylog in a few days. I've been somewhat sick, so I haven't really had the energy to spend much time on the computer at home after spending time on the computer at work all day.

I really feel like I need to spend less time around computers and more time around people anyway. I am starting to get really lonely when I have nothing social to do. This weekend is basically two days of pure nothing. I know I could use this time to get caught up on some reading or something, but I don't want to be by myself.

I miss Sara. She was meeting with her mom today, so we didn't get together for lunch like we had the last two weeks. We've been trading emails back and forth over the week, but it's just not the same. I really like being with her more than anyone or anything else. I would give anything to be with her now, just relaxing on the sofa watching a movie, or just doing anything together. I know she doesn't want a committment or to be tied down right now, that's why I don't bother her to get together too often, but I really miss her affection and I think about her all of the time.

Yesterday, Sara asked me to see if I could sneak any information out of CR about what he and Ann had planned for her next week. Apparently they are suprising her with something on wednesday. I tried to be subtle in determining what was going on, but I was unsuccessful. Sara later told me that Ann was going to leak the secret to her anyway, but thanks for trying.

Productivity at work today reached a new all-time low for me, with a total effort being a simple data conversion on a spreadsheet. I didn't even have to write any real code to do that. I left early because JS's truck broke down and he needed a ride home. TC was doing alright; she's been hanging in there alright considering the situation she's in.

Not really too much more to say right now. I'm feeling somewhat down tonight, being Friday night and nothing to do. But that's my own fault. I need to make more friends. I will improve myself.

An interesting thing happened to me today when I was at work. I work at a community college, and I was eating lunch and using one of the public computer terminals in the cafeteria. A pretty girl who looked about 21 (I just turned 18 thursday) came up to me and handed me a piece of paper. When I sat down there was a piece of paper on the desk. I thought that I had knocked that piece of paper onto the floor or something and she had picked it up to give it to me, so I said "It's not mine". But she said, "No, I'm giving it to you". I took it, and she walked away. I opened it up and it said:

"Here is my # XXX-XXXX. I couldn't help but notice you. Call me tonight. My name is Nikki."

I blushed for about a minute, I've never had a girl I didn't know just walk up to me and give me her phone number. I was pretty shocked. I had seen this girl at a table near the computer I was at earlier, and after she left I thought I overheard some people at that table say something about giving someone someones phone number, and the whole thing just kinda seemed wierd, so I'm thinking it was a practical joke. It might be fun to call the number and find out, but as it stands I've just kinda shruged it off, and if I did call and it turned out to be a joke, I'd feel like an ass. And, if it didn't, then I'd be obligated to talk to this girl, whom I don't know whatsoever, and probably go on a date with her or something. I'm not really interested in the type of girl that would just hand some stranger her phone number (but you never know, maybe she (if it wasn't a joke) didn't do it normally, just for whatever reason did for me), and, as I mentioned earlier, I'm in love with a girl. Yeah, it probaby was a joke. A pretty black girl giving some geeky white kid her phone number, and then overhearing her friends. I can picture calling the number, and the girl on the other end of the phone not knowing who I was, and me feeling like a fool. And I can picture these girls monday afternoon joking about the whole thing.

Badly Drawn Boy played The Limelight in Belfast tonight, and it was the best gig I'd seen in ages. He seemed quite drunk, but he was in very good form. He started the set with Another Pearl, which was excellent, and played all the songs I wanted to hear. There was one or two songs that I didn't know, which I guess is to be expected as he's meant to have hundreds of songs. He talked to the audience a lot, telling stories, picking fights with hecklers, insulting Belfast girls in general, and he even passed round a picture of his three month old daughter (he got the picture back at the end of the gig too, surprisingly...). I think my favourite song from his two - odd hour long set was "Pissing in the Wind", although he did a wonderful rendition of "This Song".

The only thing that bothered me was how incredibly crowded the place was. I was pretty damn squashed the whole time. The Limelight is a small venue and there's no way there should have been that many people crushed in to it.

A minor quibble though, as I thoroughly enjoyed the concert. Europeans - look out for Badly Drawn Boy playing a venue near you soon.

I'm going to Leeds to a juggling convention and a party to meet with friends and get wasted and juggle all day and have fun and NOT WORK and think and dream and relax and run and visit all the places I used to go to and buy things in the shops and have coffee in the arcades and sleep in a sleeping bag and show off my sunglasses and listen to the river under the train station bridge and walk like I'm seven feet tall and stand in city square looking at the sky and wander through the university thinking about wind and sitting in the students union watching the girls and boys and throwing fire torches in the park as the sun tips over the horizon like a coin into a jukebox and the music starts

breakbeats from the nightclub on the corner and voices from the parties in the rented houses with cardboard and plastic bags in the garden outside and smokey furniture burning in the side alley while the kids from the bad places throw sticks and earth into the flames

and feeling like flying in the deep sofa with my eyes closed and my hands warm and running up the stairs screaming for the joy of it and humming cantatas in the bathrom pissing on the seat and mouthing sweet love words to the girl asleep in the corner to make her think she is being visited by an incubus and opening the back door for the air and the sight of the fat moon being whiter than stars in the red and blue fruit sky

talking about consciousness to open faces and hearts in the kitchen full of pizza boxes and books and remembering the face of a girl who haunts my dreams and remembering the nights I would be walking alone along the Liffey wondering how the ripples know to travel together when the wind is high and remembering all the days of being alive and the days of being in love and remembering all the souls, the shattered lights of home, and remembering that I am only who I am and where I am and remembering I never asked for more than this

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