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Time: Sun, 24 Dec 2000 00:21:02 GMT
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JeffMagnus node count: 4066 (0 new since December 23, 2000)
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JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything Rumors

It's Christmas Eve, and for those E2 folks who celebrate this brand of holiday, I wish you a

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Several additional things I wish for you include:

  • If you're with someone, you get stronger and happier

  • If you're not with someone, you find that missing someone and get stronger and happier

  • If you don't want to be with anyone, I hope you just get stronger and happier

  • May the writeups spring from your fingertips, may the upvotes settle on you like snowflakes in a blizzard, may the merry sound of C!hing fill your head every time you log on to E2

  • May the E2 Admins and Dieties find a spare Cray or two on their doorstep, already running Linux.

    I've taken a lot of enjoyment from this place in a short time, and the amount of writing I've done here has egged me on to finish some books I was writing. May you find your inspiration here and everyday in your life.

    And... Thank You for sharing some interesting facts and pieces of your life.

  • It finally happened!!!

    Colin Robert O. was born Saturday, December 16, 2000 at 11:15 p.m. Eastern U.S. time
    • Weight: 8 lbs, 8 oz.
    • Length: 21"

    Babies usually tend to be less active in the womb the day before their arrival. Colin was very passive on Friday. I figured it wouldn't be too much longer until his birth. No problem. Then Saturday rolled around. Colin was even less active. I started to get concerned so I called the hospital. I was advised to come in as soon as possible. My husband and I wasted no time in getting bags packed for us and our older son, Thomas, who would be spending the next several days with Grandma and Grandpa.

    We entered the hospital through the emergency entrance and told the triage nurse that we were expected up at Labor & Delivery. Once up on the ward the nurses took my vitals and strapped the fetal monitors on my belly. Colin's signs were fine, however, my blood pressure was badly elevated. The obstetrician who had treated me during last month's emergency visit was getting ready to end her shift, but stayed when she found out I was there.

    Dr. M. checked to see if I was dialated. I wasn't. She felt my uterus and discovered that Colin wasn't head-down. In fact, he was laying almost sideways, which she refered to as "laying breech". For weeks what I had thought was his butt next to my rib cage was actually his head! This explained much of the cause for my gastrointestinal problems over the past few months. Regardless, Colin was already nearly a week past due and he wasn't going to come out conventionally. A c-section was required.

    I had agonized over the possibility of having another caesarian. Thomas had been delivered by emergency c-section after inducement and many excruciatingly painful hours of back labor. To call it a difficult delivery is an understatement. But I had no choice. I had to have this surgery again. This time, though, the biggest medical concern was my blood pressure. Dr. M. didn't sugar-coat the fact that I could possibly bleed out and die during the operation.

    After speaking with the anesthesiologist, we agreed that a spinal block would be preferable vs. an epidural. Being a recovering alkie/addict, I didn't want to have to take any meds that could unleash that demon of active disease again. I made it clear that afterwards I did not want the standard self-dosing morphine dispenser, either. I don't give a damn how safe it's supposed to be - my system doesn't know the difference between street and prescription drugs. Anyhow, I made sure to warn him that anesthesia makes me barf. ;oD

    I was wheeled into the surgery room and the spinal block was administered. My lower abdomen was shaved and swabbed with an antiseptic solution. My arms were strapped down and an oxygen feed was placed at my nose. By this time the spinal block was beginning to work. I couldn't feel much of anything below my rib cage except for occasional sensations of pressure. A sheet was raised at my chest as a screen. My husband came in with the doctors and was seated next to me as the operation was performed. Feeling the warmth of his hand in mine was reassuring, but the look in his eyes revealed anxiety. It wasn't until after we were discharged that he told me that an emergency team was standing by in the adjoining surgery suite if things went wrong.

    The whole affair didn't last long. Only about 10 minutes elapsed from the first incision until Colin let out his debut wail. It was the sweetest sound I'd ever heard. My eyes flooded with tears. I was laughing and crying at the same time. A few moments later I was able to see the nurses take him over to the infant warmer. I watched as they cleaned him up, put on his first tiny little diaper and take his footprints. Then they swaddled Colin in the blanket I had made just for him. They handed Colin to my husband to show to me. He was so small, pink and perfect. Words alone fail to describe the true essence of this single pristine moment. I want to be able to remember it for as long as I live.

    I just woke up, and I can't sleep.

    Work was quite bad yesterday, incredibly busy, plus one of the guys went for lunch at 1130 and then never bothered coming back, leaving us with only two people in the stock room for a good while, and the tickets piling up....


    Everyone except me seems pretty stressed about christmas, I don't quite get it myself...


    That was the slowest day ever. No-one seemed to want to buy stuff from Argos today, except when I was the only one in the stock room...

    One of the guys was 1.5 hrs late coming in, so that kinda pissed us off too... but, I got a secret present for pigpoo, so that makes up for it. ;-)

    recent nodes: Costa

    I prolly won't be on much over christmas, so I'll say it now, and in /msgs later,

    Merry Christmas!!!
    This was one of the longest days of my life.

    7:15 AM: Alarm clock wakes me up after about 2 hours of sleep.

    7:45 AM: Start to scrape the ice and snow off my car, which has been outdoors all night during the snowstorm.

    7:55 AM: Start driving to Brentwood High School. I am refereeing at an invitational fencing competition today.

    8:20 AM: Arrive at Brentwood High School. I check in with the Head of the Bout Committee and sign my name to the directors' sign in sheet, then schmooze with some coaches and parents I haven't seen in a long while.

    8:40 AM: My friend Mike arrives, who is also refereeing the competition. We talk about old times for a while.

    9 AM: Competition begins. My first refereeing assignment is a women's foil pool round. Shouldn't be that hard.

    9:15 AM: At the beginning of the second bout of the pool, we notice an irregularity in the electronic equipment and are forced to replace one of the floor cords. The rest of the pool runs through pretty quickly. I make a few minor mistakes in my calls, but no one notices.

    10:30 AM: I'm given a men's foil pool round to preside over exactly thirty seconds after I finish the girls pool. I am less than enthused.

    12:00 PM: I finish the men's foil pool and turn in my scoresheet. I go take a lunch break, gorging myself on free cold cuts and bottled water, the lone perks of being a referee.

    12:30 PM: I start work directing some direct elimination bouts--a mix of men's foil, women's foil, and men's epee. I hate directing epee and make some mistakes during those bouts, but I could care less because I specifically requested not to direct epee. One coach complains about a mistake I made, but I deftly tell him where to shove it because it's an individual competition and no coaching is allowed.

    2:30 PM: I finish directing a marathon SIX direct elimination bouts in a row. My voice has cracked from all the shouting I have to do and my legs are starting to seriously hurt. I hand in my sixth DE scoresheet and run away before anyone from the Bout Committee notices me and assigns me another bout to preside over.

    3:00 PM: Bruce (head of the Bout Committee) finally notices I'm persona non grata and pages me to the command center. I get handed a semifinal bout of the women's foil tournament to direct, which is a pretty sweet assignment.

    3:30 PM: The semi-final match FINALLY finishes, after going to the three period time limit with the score of 13-5. It was actually a great match until the final period, and I was proud of myself for not making any mistakes during the bout.

    4:00 PM: I bum around for another half an hour, watching the Bronze Medal women's foil match and a few others. Then I say my goodbyes and head for home.

    4:30 PM: After getting lost on the way out of Brentwood, I get back home and quickly stop by Gold's Gym to correct a mistake they made in calculating when my membership would expire (they were off by four months).

    4:40 PM: I arrive home and lie down before my legs fall off.

    5:30 PM: Dinner with my parents at Boulder Creek Steakhouse and Saloon.

    7 PM: Quick hop online to check my email. I call some friends up to decide on the plan of action for the evening.

    8 PM: Sit down to watch a little of Mr. Holland's Opus, one of my favorite movies.

    8:30 PM: Shower.

    9 PM: Get picked up by friends to go see Cast Away. It was pretty good.

    12 AM: Arrive back at home.

    One of the most interesting things about the Foundation series of novels by Issac Asimov is the idea that a certain type of crisis arises when both internal and external influences combine to leave only one possible correct course of action.

    I had a revelation today. About my career, which has been practically non-existent for most of 2000, contributing to a lot of personal unhappiness. Being gifted with both the ability to understand computers as well as people has opened a lot of doors, made me a little bit of money, and a bit of happiness and pride here and there, but being a geek has never been something I really wanted to be. Even though it's been part and parcel of every job I've ever had.

    Always in my career (and the attendant social contacts/friends I've gained from said career) I've felt on the outside, looking in. It's a large portion of why the word "wolf" is a part of my online identity. A wolf, to me, is the perfect symbol of a loner who needs a pack to survive. That resonates within me.

    When I was eighteen, I was rudderless. I had to deal with a trio of crises at once, namely coming out of the closet, dealing with the extreme paranoia, hatred, and fear that AIDS caused in the early 80s (both in gay and straight culture), and trying to answer the question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?".

    I never really resolved the crisis represented by that question.

    I did three things tonight to begin resolving it at long last. The first was a long heartfelt conversation with my very best friend. The second was the beginning of a very long and analytical writeup that is the largest writing project I've ever attempted. The third was a personal review of the things I've added to everything so far.

    All three of these activities pointed to one, and only one, irrefutable fact about who I am. I am ... an observer of humanity. I enjoy being the outsider, because it allows me to see both the forest and the trees. I also know that I can share these observations in a manner that at least some people can appreciate, enjoy, and use to enrich their own lives ... but not my own.

    So, how best to put this abiding love of humanity to use that will benefit me as well, in all facets of my life? As in the Foundation books, there's only one correct path of action.

    At the age of thirty five, I'm going to go back to college.

    To study sociology.

    The ironic footnote to this day of self-discovery is the recollection of a conversation between myself and my mother that took place when I was 20. I had dropped out of college, and my mom kept telling me, truthfully, that I didn't know what I wanted to learn, which is why I failed to complete my education. At that time she strongly suggested I consider becoming a sociologist.

    Of course, I didn't listen to her. In fact, I couldn't fathom why she would think I'd want to enter such a ridiculous profession.

    Mother always knows best.

    First of all just let me say to everyone at e2 MERRY CHRISTMAS I have just woken up after playing a really good gig last night, i didnt get home till about 1:30am with neil. We were rather drunk one might say, but to be truefull im not bothered.

    Good things happend last night, i now know a girl who plays the trombone in my band that likes me, and when i go to her 18th birthday party on the 29th of this month i think i might come back with a girlfriend yay! Another good thing that happened last night was the band got a extra £50 which put our wages up to £200, which is pretty good acutally.

    The crowd were excellent a bit rowdy but excellent. Now becasue our band plays old swing tunes such as Misty and Lil darling the crowd came in clothes that they wore back in the forties which is pretty cool. They all got up and danced and no one has ever done that on one of our gigs (i think it had something to do with the alcohcol involved.....)

    but they were a good crowd and we had the bonus of a free drink. At the end of the night me my mate (neil) and my brother had to escort 3 people back to their homes becasue they were very drunk, well one wasnt she was ok but the other 2 and enjoyed them sevles emensly. They were also singing very loudly down the street i seem to recall the song was California dreaming by the mamas and papas it was quite surprising that we didnt wake nobody up.


    This is the last damn Christmas I am ever going to spend with my parents.
    One could imagine some other families would take a break from the constant arguing when the holidays arrive. Well, in this nuthouse it just gets worse. There isn't a minute without screaming, shouting and general discontent. My mother and father resemble two babies sitting on a sandbox arguing about the ownership of a yellow plastic bucket. The two grown-up people are acting far more childish and immature than my 11-year-old sister.

    I have to get out of this godforsaken place, permanently. Even if I have to live under a bridge. There's only so much irrational and aggressive behavior I can stomach.
    At least we get to go to my grandmother's house for the traditional Xmas dinner. Maybe those two assholes will bother pretending to be civilized human beings for the short while we're in there.

    Anyway, Merry Christmas to all Everythingians.
    I hope at least yours is filled with some love.

    Up at 5:00 am with coffee and Everything and the pretty Christmas tree lights, the rest of the house dark and quiet. There was a time when the idea of waking up before 10:00 am on the weekend would have been blasphemy. Now I've joined the privileged ranks of early-risers. This can either mean A) I'm getting old (my parents roll out of bed at 3:00 am or something) or B) My body chemistry is changing; less nicotine, more St. John's Wort. Anyway, it's Christmas Eve. My older daughter is in the requisite Christmas pageant at Church this evening - she's a sheep and gets to crawl down the main aisle at the end, which I think is the funnest part.



    Mewwy Chwistmws...
    anw hwppw nww wwwr!

    So, this Christmas eve has been fairly, um, normal.

    Well, the hot question of the day was the rice porridge... I got that luck-bringing almond. Woohoo. =)

    Played Monopoly with my sister until we got bored. "Mikonkatu" was given to my plush fox, for obvious reasons. It had a hotel, too. My sister ended up there. 22000 mk rent. Mikko became a rich fox.

    So, I hope I'll see what cool stuff Santa brings... or how many sorts of cheese I can eat this year.


    So, what I got?

    And NYES, I ate precisely 4 sorts of cheese today. That sorta normal stuff, then peppered cheese, Brie and... what was that? Blå Castello or what was that called? Roquefort derivative, anyway.

    (Navigation stuff coming after Christmas break...)

    Noded today: Haddon Sundblom

    When I was fifteen or so, I was in a ‘youth intervention program’ at the local children’s hospital It was designed to keep ‘at risk’ children out of trouble via prevention, intervention, education, etc.

    The best way to prevent children from going bad, I think, is not by placing them in close contact with other ‘at risk’ children.

    I was at Tim Hortons with some other people from the program... It might’ve been Dairy Queen, actually. In any case, we were all sitting around, drinking coffee, eating ice cream. I was chatting with some guy I was in the program with, someone I later dared into smoking a cigarette in one drag. He threw up after.

    In any case, we were talking about another girl in the program who was absent from the ice-cream-adventure, that he happened to be going out with. I asked him how long they’d been together, and he laughed.

    “What does it matter? I’m gonna break up with her anyway.”

    I didn’t understand, not really. “Why?”

    I hate her. She’s ugly, she’s fat, and she’s stupid. I’m just fucking her so that she’ll give me her pet turtle. After that, she’s gonna be Ottawa’s newest member of the fucked-and-dumped club.”

    I just stared at him. I didn’t understand, not at all. I couldn’t grasp the idea that you’d want to use people, that you’d hurt someone if you could possibly avoid it.

    I stared out the window, and watched the traffic go by. I wanted to cry, without having any idea why I felt so sad.

    In retrospect, I think I was mourning my naivety.

    Going up to my parent's today and doing some last minute christmas shopping. I'm going to get everything at one place so I don't wind up waiting in multiple lines.

    I jotted down Sara's cell phone number into my palm pilot. I hope she has it turned on tomorrow. If she sounds bored, I'll ask her if she wants to go see a movie or something. I need to also remember to ask her when she'll be back.

    It's raining. Perfect. Oh well.

    I'm gone for a couple days. I'll catch up on what happened in the rest of today when I get back.

    I went to Best Buy and got everything there. I got my mom a movie (What Dreams May Come), my dad a movie (Sixth Sense), one brother got Fight Club, and the younger brother got a RollerCoaster Tycoon expansion pack. I had them all gift wrapped while I was there by a high school fund raising group.

    I got to my parent's fairly early.. probably around 4pm. We didn't do much... We went to a midnight mass thing at a catholic church, which was pretty boring. I haven't been to church in about a dozen years. I don't plan to go back anytime soon; once a year is more than enough.


    Last night I hosted the first successful party in my new home. Through 12 invitations we wound up with 27 or so people. Good party had a fun time. Saw some old friends, made some new. We toasted to the A&M grads, and continued on our way to oblivion.

    *Cheers to Christmas New Years, and friends*

    I arrived home from Adam & Cris's holiday party around 3:30AM SAT morning, dehydrated and a little disoriented by my totally broken sleep cycle. Jenn and I smoked some and watched White Fang II while she wrapped gifts. I got to sleep around 5AM, woke briefly at noon, then fell down again and dozed until 4PM. I had intended to finish shopping SAT morning; the mall on the Saturday evening before Christmas was not a happy prospect. Wasted day. I wrangled a sandwich, a couple of cards, and a pint of ice cream at the Kwik-E-Mart, and killed time until Jenn got home around 2:30AM. We smoked and watched a bit of Lonely Hearts. She joked, "What do you mean you never heard of it? This is our theme, our trademark movie!" It hit a little too close to home. Singlehood can be tolerable, but loneliness is unacceptable. I managed to doze off around 3AM, played alarm tag from 9 to 9:30AM, then brewed some coffee to reset my internal clock.
    NOW, 1PM on Christmas Eve, I am finished with my Xmas shopping, and ready for a nap. All that remains is to wrap gifts, write 2 cards and stuff gift checks in them, and pay the bills. I have a long-standing personal tradition of gift shopping on Christmas Eve. The store employees are wound up in a happy way, eager for the madness to end. When I worked retail myself, the Christmas Eve shift is what really put me in the Christmas spirit. There was a Salvation Army brass quartet stationed in front of the bookstore - by Christmas Eve we were heartily sick of them, God bless 'em. My coworkers dressed in green and red finery and cheap fuzzy elf hats, we laughed and joked and shared an unspoken yearning for closing. Willowbrook Mall was mercifully sane this morning. The highway ramps near the strip malls on Routes 3 and 46 were jamming up as I drove home.
    Mom invited me to dine on stew with Dad and her this evening, same as last year. There's snow on the lawns, with dead grass clumps poking through, but the roads are dry. Not the whitest Christmas; but then, I left my patience for winter weather to rot by the side of southbound I-95, three years ago.
    If I had a companion, I'd attend the Christmas Eve ceremony at my sister's church. I did this once, alone, following my conversion in 1993. It was one of the more beautiful moments in my life. I have no heart for soul-stirring beauty viewed through my eyes only, today.

    Late in the night

    Christmas eve. We here in Finland start our christmas celebration on christmas eve. We eat a lot, give the presents..

    Christmas might not be what it used to be but today was special. Today reminded me of real christmas spirit. I had bought my father a present, a present that made him cry out of sheer joy.

    9:11 PM: It's the holiday season. But I'm not in the holiday mood.

    As much as I hate to bitch, I think that perhaps it is better than the alternative: keeping it hidden away.

    I feel very lonely. At home, around my parents, I keep my defenses up 100% of the time. Over this christmas break (5 or 6 weeks) I have really only done things with 2 people.. one I find myself enjoying his company less and less, the other either is politely telling me she enjoys my company less and less or is sick and we have the worst of luck..

    I sent her an email. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it seems really stupid. Why can't I understand the fluidity of relationships? Why do I have to bring everything to attention? Isn't a relationship supposed to be a delicate dance, with the subtle nuances that are nested deep in levels of interpretation? Why do I find it so easy to understand what is going wrong in relationships as an observer, but as a participant I am completely clueless? Here is the email I sent:

    Hey K,

    I wanted to say a few things:

    First.. I want to apologize for calling you so much. I can't help but feel that I am at least a tad bit annoying to you and I feel bad about it.

    Second.. Last night at the spades game, I did not mean to act like a brat if I came across that way. I didn't hold any ill will toward anyone there, and I didn't make an effort to act badly; it was probably from me being in a bad mood from dealing with the family carrying over to that night. I'm sorry my brain works that way but I really don't want anyone to think that I was purposfully being mean or acting like J.

    Third.. I am not sure if any of this needed to be said so I decided that I would just opt for full disclosure. That being said, I'm not sure why I am saying any of this other than I feel bad for in the ways in which my actions could have been interpreted. I also realize that I am possibly making a big deal of nothing, but I really wanted to just set things straight..

    Fourth.. While I was x-mas shopping, I got you a present.. When would be a good time to give it to you, (if you don't feel awkward accepting a gift from me.)

    Arghh.. I can't help but feel like a putz writing this email, but I guess what it comes down to is that I've been in a somewhat bad mood recently, and I don't want to come across as a selfish brat.. anyway, I just wanted to say that, that's all, so it's perfectly fine if you don't respond because I am not asking anything of you.

    No response yet. Sent it yesterday. Not sure if she has read it or not. Yesterday we saw each other at a small party, she said she would call me today.. nothing.

    I feel down, but perhaps it is that you have to hit lows before one is motivated to change.. I feel like I need to reinvent my life. The biggest thing I MUST do is get out of this house. Which means I have to leap to finacial independence, but I believe I can do it ..

    Christmas Eve. The day before that on which members of the Christian faith believe their Savior was born. My parents are members of that faith. I am Agnostic.

    They took me to Church this evening, for the first time since I left for college in August. I feel sort of resentful, even though I know their intent was good. I went along, and I'm somewhat ashamed of that, even though I know doing anything else would have ripped the family apart. I value my individuality above everything I own, and it hurts like no tomorrow to have it ignored, especially regarding something as personal as religion.

    I feel ashamed of myself for giving in and going to church, never mind singing the hymns, far more than I do of my parents. They were doing their duty, in a sense. I should have resisted. I'm eighteen years old. I shouldn't be giving in on these things.

    Captain's log, stardate 20001224.2012 PST, while en route to alpha of sirius we recieved a distress call from a Romulan Bird of Prey. As the closest ship we were dispatched to investigate. Upon the arrival...

    ...nothing is really happening in my life lately. Or I should say nothing either bad or good. In some respects that is good. I'm getting very tired of ups and downs. It makes me nauseous. The little things that happened I'm gonna write down in a list form. I like it better that way...

    1. Well, the goddamn lower back pain. It almost subsided, but i can still feel it if i make sudden movements. I went to see the doctor and it's the sciatic nerves or something. She gave me anti-inflamatory drugs. It helped. I had to wear a little brace-belt thingie for couple of days. I guess I'll have to exercise my back in the gym now.. This will increase the time from about hour and 10 mins to perhaps and hour and a half. Not a big deal. Skipped a week of gym already. That sucks. I can feel muscles desolving and fat settling in. Well hopefully go back starting tomorrow.
    2. Went to the CVC dance. Our underage friend got in ok - she had semi-fake id. Lotsa hot girls. ALL of them asian. (cvc-chinese varsity club or something). I fell into one of my weird moods - i was angry at myself because i couldn't approach anyone. And the longer it went on the angrier i become. Of course i tried not to spoil anyone's evening. I spent about an hour chewing ice (from my cranberry juice) and starring at the girl who was wearing a tight dress. Her nipples protruded an inch i swear. It was cool. I felt better when we left. I dont know why.I then proceded to give everyone a ride.. We feet 6 people into my little '88 four sitter Corolla: 3 girls 3 guys. All of the girls gave me hugs when i dropped them off at the their respective places of residence. One I expected, cos she's a fairly good friend. The other two I didn't: one i barely know (she's a nice girl though), the other, i feel weird around (and she prollly feels weird around me). She gave me a weird half hug thing. Like she didn't really feel like it, but she had to thank me in some way. oh well, whatever. I drove everyone else home then. I made about 250 clicks that day. I love driving. Another interesting feature about the night: couple of people i know were there. They are dating. I was looking at them and thinking:"god i wish i had something like that". I guess it was a good form of jealousy: half "I want that too" and the other half "they deserve that". Few girls i did talk to actually remember my name. I really wonder why. In fact pretty much everyone knows me one way or the other. Weird. I need a girl.
    3. Some people are drifting away from me. That truely sucks. I've never experience quite anything like that. Something familiar and good slowly dissipating from your life. I suppose that's inevitable.
    4. I went skating with friends. It was sort of fun. My lips are covered by weird crusty thing. It hurts too.
    5. We watched miss congeneality. It was pretty decent, but i want some action and/or sex. none of that was present. Though Sandra Bullock is sorta cute.
    6. Went shopping (for obvious reasons - xmas). Bought a present for my friend. Now need another present for another friend. Which brings the total count of presents to two. Heh. My familly doesn't celebrate christmas (most russians dont), we celebrate New Years. But my frieds do. So i get them presents. Prolly now going to buy anything for the familly either. My bro got bday on 29th of december. My mom got few hundred dollars from me (she know what she wants better then i do). My dad got a 700 dollar digital camera for his bday a few weeks back. So I'm good.
    7. I'm becoming less then a coward. That rocks. I was driving along yesterday, and some car decided to do a u-turn into my lane. She blocked the intersection. I honked at her.I love honking. THen i pulled up beside her on the red light. And stared directly at her. It was some girl my age (cute,asian). She looked at me, covered her head, looked at me again. I started laughing - her too. It was a good sign :) Though she went on to Hwy 99 to Vancouver and I proceeded to SilverCity.
      Before that some guy in the japanese restaurant was staring at me(possibly because I'm white). I was staring back. Finally he turned away. I had the greates urge to punch him in the face.
    8. Life is good. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hanuka, Happy Ramadan....

    ...we discovered that the romulan ship has suffered a massive engine malfunction. We tried to offer some assitance but were politely declined. Soon after we departed another bird decloacked. We are now proceding to our previous destination, alpha of sirius at warp 6...

    Fortunately, I managed to stop noding long enough to put up a christmas tree. While I was in the attic grabbing the ornaments I pulled down all my kid clothing. When I dropped by the church to play the introit for the 11:00 service, I put all of it in the goodwill pile.

    The kittens are playing with the string on the ornament boxes... aah. I guess I have christmas here after all.

    S T R E A M   O F  C O  N  S   C   I    O    U     S     N      E      S       S
    it's christmas eve so i thought i should write. not necessarily about anything. just my typical thoughts. because it's said that teenagers, all their writings deal with personal identity, depression, or loneliness - something like that.

    then again, what is there better to write about? some of the best art, the most creative pieces of beauty, ever made... came out of depression, and loneliness, and confusion. so fuck the stereotype - i dont care if i fit it. sometimes i'm lonely, sometimes i'm sad. i'm always confused. it's just who i am. i'm sorry...

    but i'm not angry. i'm usually alone on christmas, and i'm fine with it. i don't spend much time with family... they're not much to spend time with ;) .. so I spend it at the piano, or at the computer, or in bed. i'll read for an hour, write for a few more, see how many crunches i can do... go back to it. days alone, but spent productively. few connections with the outside world.

    christmas has always been a time of reflection. the movies, the stories, songs - all with undertones of life in general. memories, love, regrets, reformations - it can be moving. honestly, it can. it's beautiful. and it doesn't make me really sad, or happy, but sort of both. i like being alone, and thinking, and reading... staring at a candle flame.

    it's very windy outside, and i can hear it banging against the window. the light flickers as the breeze catches it. my typing shakes the desk and the orange halo quakes. these are the holidays for me. quiet and serene, alone and thoughtful. and that rocks.

    one day, maybe i'll have the joyful, bright and warm... the typical christmas. family and friends around the tree ripping open presents. not that it's a dream, but it seems like such a nice thing. it'd be nice to have that. everyone gets tired of being alone sometimes...
    the warm fuzzies start to flow...

    A pretty relaxed day, really - I spent the morning recovering from work yesterday. Well, by sleeping. In the afternoon, me and dad had the task of re-wiring the cable we'd laid some years ago from the hifi in the lounge to the speakers in the dining room and kitchen, which had become disconnected when the lounge was done up this summer. It was a fairly simple task - poke the four wires through a hole in the floor and screw them into a switchbox, but the eternal problem remained - I just can't strip wires.

    I eventually got stuff working again, with dad acting like his own father by floating nearby, asking "is it working yet? ach, it will never work..."

    As is customary, we headed out to mum's friend Lee's house for a few hours (which was mostly spent watching TV), and then we headed home to watch some more Christmas Eve tv...

    Sometime close to midnight, I took a leaf out of IainB's book and started smsing everyone to wish them a merry Christmas, but it was taking longer and longer for the messages to get through - I'm assuming the networks were just clogged up with similar season's greetings.

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