Notice to my local hospital's labor and delivery team for son #2's December 2000 arrival:

Dear Staff,

Yes, we're back! Those of you who were here the last time probably don't need any reminders. This is for the newer employees:

  • Nurses:
    • Please don't get in the way of the obstetrician and/or midwife.
    • If you forget where supplies are kept ask my husband. He knows where everything is stored.
    • Do keep a nicotine patch handy for my husband - he's going to need it!
    • Do not put an oxygen mask on me, period. If you try this and my hands are free I'll beat the crap out of you.
  • OB and/or Midwife:
    • Important word: EPIDURAL!!!
    • If this delivery results in another C-section, my husband will again scrub up and stay by my side the entire time.
  • To All:
    • Family and/or friends in attendance may be asked to wait outside. Please cooperate.
    • If I see any type of photographic equipment during the delivery I will hurl myself upon you and stuff the device(s) down your throat!
    • I have a weak stomach where anesthesia is concerned. Wear appropriate protective gear.

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