Device which is only useful if you save the bottles, refill them, and throw 'em back in the fridge. Voila! You look like you're sophistocated (To gullible people, at least), and it's cold water, too!

Too bad the bottles themselves are low-quality and start falling apart after about a month...

It's marketing, all marketing. And bottled water may be hazardous to your dental health.

I can't name any studies off the top of my head, but it's been stated quite a few times in recent years that tooth decay is on the rise again in children. It's because more and more kids are being given nothing but bottled water, which may not have the funny taste of the tap water, but it also hasn't been fluoridated.

If your local tap water is that vile, or if you're simply concerned, do your teeth (and those of your kids, if you have any) a favor and get a high-quality filter installed on your kitchen faucet. Overall, it's a lot less expensive than continually buying bottled water1, and you're not creating more of a disposal/recycling problem with all of your empties.

1 A $50 screw-on filter will treat 80 or so gallons, or 250 liters, and the replacement cartridges cost even less. Where I live, you can't find a liter of bottled water for less than $1.19, and it's usually more. Do the math.

Nutriton Facts
Serv. Size 8 fl. oz. (240 ml)
Servings Per Container 3
Amount Per Serving:
Calories: 0
% daily value*
Total Fat: 0g--0%
Sodium: 0g---0%
Total Carb: 0g-0%
Protein: 0g---0%
Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet.

from the folks that brought you the surgeon generals warning,
in addition to the warnings on McDonald's coffee.
While travelling in France, I noticed that bottled water cost a fraction of what it costs in the United States. A 6-pack of 1.5L bottles retailed for around 6FRF, at that time equivalent to roughly $.80 USD. You can barely get a 12-oz bottle of water for that amount of money in the US. The exchange rate is favorable to the US dollar at present, but it's not that favorable.

The tap water throughout France tasted somewhat less unnatural than the water in my hometown of Tucson, AZ, and much less vile than the bizarre tap water of Phoenix, AZ. Perhaps the bottled water companies in France cannot sell their product as profitably in a country where people can drink the water out of the faucet without issues. I am not really sure what type of water treatment, if any, is used in France for the public water supply. Reinforcing this idea is the fact that bottles of water in France (and several other European countries) did not focus on the idea of "purity" or being "refreshing". I didn't see any corny paragraphs about a pure, safeguarded mountain spring, for instance, or any nonsense health claims.

Then again, marketing campaigns in general seem to be more successful in the US and countries with related histories and economies. Of course, bottled water from the nice men with ice buckets in tourist areas ran as high as 15FRF a bottle (roughly $2, at the time of this writing).

My friend has been in a horrific mood all morning. She's being rude to everyone, insulting them, moping and moaning. Of course, she has a perfect right to mope and moan. She's stuck by me through some pretty difficult times, she's been my rock for a year now. There have been times when I've hated her for doing things she had to do, but other times, I've been the one listening to her drunken sobs, I've been the one who forced down the tears when she told me things she shouldn't have, and I've been grateful to her for giving me the chance to give back just a fraction of what she gives to me.

 Anyway, today she's feeling awful because she's been seeing this guy for over a year now, and nobody knows except me, because everyone gets mad when they hear about him seeing as he's gone out with three other girls we know and there's just a general feeling of hatred towards him. I try and comfort her, but for the first time in a while, I'm in a genuinely good mood, and she's completely bringing me down.

 A little later on, we're sitting in the common room with half our year, and we get into a bit of an argument. She calls me something she knows will make me mad. And, sure as it'll rain in Milton Keynes tomorrow, I get mad. I can't think of anything to say. The words she herself told me a few months ago flash through my mind: "Violence is only used when one cannot verbally retaliate. It's for weak people." Nevertheless, the bottle of water is there in my hand, and I don't know what else to do, so I throw it over her.

Oh my god. Everyone's staring. They're all silent. I feel my legs moving, running away. I hide.

A few minutes later, she bursts in on the empty room I'm hiding in, and starts saying all this shit about how she has to be allowed to be upset once in a while. And I don't mean to say it, but suddenly I start screaming at her, screaming things that aren't true, things I don't want her to hear, things I can't control. She cries. She runs back to be consoled by everyone who saw, who probably sit and agree on what a horrible person I am and what's my problem and have I gone mad?

I made her cry.

Why don't I care? I love her, don't I? So why do I feel so... so satisfied? She's made me cry, a million times, usually from things she's said on the phone or on MSN, when she can't tell I'm crying. But she knows, she must know she makes me cry. So maybe this is my revenge.

Another friend comes in. They're all mad by association now, it'd be quite funny if I wasn't so worried. How could I do that to her, she says. How could I take a year of her being there for me and throw it all back in her face like that? What's wrong with me? I've really lost it this time, I'm really sick and twisted, she informs me. Then I leave. I sit for an hour on the deserted block stairs. I write stories in my head. I count the bricks on the wall.

I return to the common room. Someone has left my bag outside. I don't have to go in. I pick up my bag. It turns out I only threw a bit of the bottle of water on her. Someone has taken the remains and spilt it all over my books. I carefully take the bottle out. There's about a quarter of it left. I lift it over my head and tip it.

People who buy bottled water deserve herpes.

The thought of millions of people forking out real money to buy bottled water really affirms my contempt for 95% of the human race. Most people are so conditioned to be mindless consumers that they'll buy even the most basic commodity if its marketed correctly. Never mind labeled clothing, credit cards and extended warranties: bottled water is the ultimate symbol of consumer retardation.

Why am I so pissed off?

I was having lunch at a restaurant today (eating a really nice lasagna, as it happens) when I suddenly felt thirsty. I'm too poor to afford a bottle of coke or whatever, so I asked the waitress if I could have some water. 'Sure thing', she said, 'You can buy a bottle for $2.50'.

What the hell? How dare they try to sell me something that falls from the sky for free, and flows abundantly in rivers everywhere?  In most shops, bottled water costs just as much - if not more - than oil. Am I the only one who thinks bottled water is the ultimate sign of dumbassedness?

I asked my friends why they enjoy spending tens of dollars for bottled water when they could just run the tap and get it for nearly nothing. These are some of the replies I received:

'Tap water is gross! It has all sorts of chemicals in it.'

'Bottled water definitely tastes better.'

'I like bottled water, for sure. I'm an ignorant shithead who needs a flying kick to the testes.'

If you choose to pay $2 for I litre of bottled water, rather than $1 for 1000 litres of tap water, you must enjoy performing economic fellatio on the wealthy elite - corporations that love your ignorance almost as much as I scorn it. Most of the time bottled water doesn't even taste better than tap water; they just take water from municipal supplies, put it in a nice looking bottle, and make a killing from the profits. They tell you its fresher and healthier than tap water (even though it usually sits on the supermarket shelf for days without refrigeration) and you believe it.

I laugh at all the people who walk down the street clutching bottles of water, as if they could drop dead from dehydration at any moment.  We aren't in the middle of a desert, you wankers. Everyday these people reject their perfectly fine tap water and purchase bottled water at a 1000% markup. They need a punch in the throat if you ask me. I'd even beat their children into submission for having such moronic parents. That's how hardcore I am.

And its not just the waste of money that aggravates me. The fuel required to transport the water everywhere puts even more strain on the world's oil shortage crisis. Since most people are too lazy to recycle, the bottles end up in landfills - screwing the environment into submission. Then you've got mega-corporations like Pepsi buying up large bodies of water in 3rd world countries, where the people are dying in their thousands from hunger and famine. Instead of selling that water to the local population, they ship it to developed countries who already have fresh water coming out of their conceited, self-indulgent asses.

I don't care if you think your tap water tastes bad, it's fucking WATER, not fine wine. Stop being a decadent piece of shit. Run the tap next time you're thirsty - and be grateful that you don't have to walk 5 miles to the nearest waterhole with a couple of buckets, like millions of Africans do everyday to drink muddy, germ-infested water.


If you still insist on drinking bottled water, I hope you catch herpes and never have sex ever again. I hope you become infertile so you can't procreate and produce more ignorant scum like yourselves.


That is all.

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