9:11 PM: It's the holiday season. But I'm not in the holiday mood.

As much as I hate to bitch, I think that perhaps it is better than the alternative: keeping it hidden away.

I feel very lonely. At home, around my parents, I keep my defenses up 100% of the time. Over this christmas break (5 or 6 weeks) I have really only done things with 2 people.. one I find myself enjoying his company less and less, the other either is politely telling me she enjoys my company less and less or is sick and we have the worst of luck..

I sent her an email. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it seems really stupid. Why can't I understand the fluidity of relationships? Why do I have to bring everything to attention? Isn't a relationship supposed to be a delicate dance, with the subtle nuances that are nested deep in levels of interpretation? Why do I find it so easy to understand what is going wrong in relationships as an observer, but as a participant I am completely clueless? Here is the email I sent:

Hey K,

I wanted to say a few things:

First.. I want to apologize for calling you so much. I can't help but feel that I am at least a tad bit annoying to you and I feel bad about it.

Second.. Last night at the spades game, I did not mean to act like a brat if I came across that way. I didn't hold any ill will toward anyone there, and I didn't make an effort to act badly; it was probably from me being in a bad mood from dealing with the family carrying over to that night. I'm sorry my brain works that way but I really don't want anyone to think that I was purposfully being mean or acting like J.

Third.. I am not sure if any of this needed to be said so I decided that I would just opt for full disclosure. That being said, I'm not sure why I am saying any of this other than I feel bad for in the ways in which my actions could have been interpreted. I also realize that I am possibly making a big deal of nothing, but I really wanted to just set things straight..

Fourth.. While I was x-mas shopping, I got you a present.. When would be a good time to give it to you, (if you don't feel awkward accepting a gift from me.)

Arghh.. I can't help but feel like a putz writing this email, but I guess what it comes down to is that I've been in a somewhat bad mood recently, and I don't want to come across as a selfish brat.. anyway, I just wanted to say that, that's all, so it's perfectly fine if you don't respond because I am not asking anything of you.

No response yet. Sent it yesterday. Not sure if she has read it or not. Yesterday we saw each other at a small party, she said she would call me today.. nothing.

I feel down, but perhaps it is that you have to hit lows before one is motivated to change.. I feel like I need to reinvent my life. The biggest thing I MUST do is get out of this house. Which means I have to leap to finacial independence, but I believe I can do it ..