i am.. typing with heavy fingers and too much thought, more than i care to handle. i was.. staring up at a sky full of stars and whispering things into a wind that will never reach you, but i wish i could just touch you for a second so that i could watch all of this fall from importance.

why does everyone doubt my feelings for them?
is it so hard to accept that i do care? and..
can't you see past yourself for a second,
perhaps even long enough to realize that i am
for you, and everyone else, because most times
i don't honestly care about me.

i wish i could take the blame this time, all of it, but don't you see that you should be asking how i am, and not how my apparent distance is effecting you?

if there is one thing i'd love to rid the universe of, it's this.. terrible all-encompassing doubt. you think in a matter of days an entire friendship is gone, but you don't tell me, you tell others and let it get back to me. wish you'd stop that. wish i had enough of.. whatever i'm missing right now, to tell you everything since having it laid out plainly before you isn't enough.

i am so tired. and it isn't simply because i didn't get enough sleep last night..

i miss you so much tonight.

i just want to quit.

"i'm just tryin' to get myself some gravity.."

Day two of a movie marathon. Yesterday (which is still today in the legal sense, but server time approximates the Semitic tradition of the day ending at sunset) my friend LadyChris arrived; we started things off with The Truth About Cats & Dogs, then moved on to Desk Set, followed by Clerks and Mallrats.

Tomorrow, or today, we'll see Chasing Amy, and Dogma if I go buy a copy, followed at some point by Seven Samurai. She's a fan of The Magnificent Seven (q.v.) but hasn't seen the film that started it all.

Just before she arrived, I got a call from several of my libraries saying that their Internet access was down. Apparently the main e-mail/web/database/FTP/DNS server didn't come back after I rebooted it, so I had to drive to work to reboot it in person. This time everything was fine, and I drove back just in time to greet her.

And I finally got my credit card bill, so I was finally able to reconcile Quicken with reality. (Quicken took a beating.) My credit union screwed up and failed to send me a new ATM card after I lost the old one, so for a week or two I was living off the credit card. Sucked. Now I'm back on track.

Another friend, one of those anodal people I've heard exist somewhere, got married in a civil ceremony because planning a full wedding would have taken too long; she needed his HMO to cover surgery. So in the spring I'll go up there and bless their vows, which probably means scripting a new sort of ceremony. Who knows what it'll be like. Maybe a swimming pool filled with lime Jell-O, and the bridesmaids can wear Cool Whip...

I had to work today, surprise. But something interesting happened; I have never had a customer who spoke no English be so incredibly hilarious.

These three Dutch men walked into the store (sounds like the beginning of a bad joke), but I had no idea what they were saying. All of them were middle-aged or beyond, and they were loud enough to be heard anywhere, although it really didn’t matter since they were speaking Dutch. Finally the three of them set six wine glasses on the counter in front of me and pointed enthusiastically. I assumed they wanted to buy them. So I rang the glasses up and gave them their total, to which they seemed confused. So I just pointed at the numbers. There was much “Ahh”-ing and nodding of heads. They created a pile of money on the counter, so I sorted through it and took what was needed. When I tried to give the man his change, he shook his head vigorously and put up a hand. My manager would’ve had a fit if I listened to him, so I all but forced the guy to take his fourteen dollars and five cents. When I tried to wrap the glasses in paper so they wouldn’t break, the oldest of the trio insisted on helping. He waited for me to get one glass rolled about halfway into the paper, and then he would force another one in next to it, wait a second, and then put in a third. I had no clue what to tell him. So I gave him a weird look, which set everyone to laughing and saying more lines of gibberish. Next they pointed to a box and raised their eyebrows. So I went and rescued a box from the compactor and taped it up for them. The overeager guy stepped behind the counter, took the tape from me, and did it himself. I just stood there trying not to laugh. The other two laughed hysterically, which didn’t help me. When all was said and done, they walked out and waved, talking again as loudly as before. I locked the doors behind them.

<<   {hojita} Day Log Navigation   >>

In my dorm room, my desk and computer sit in the absolute corner. I am sitting behind my lofted bed, hidden behind the stereo, nestled comfortably in the back of the room between two walls. I remarked early today to an otaku friend who randomly visited about how I would just sit in the corner and type away. It was my place to hide. My roommate just came by about an hour ago. I felt the urge to hide. My corner isn't small enough to hide in.

That's the way I am. I need my privacy. I need to be alone. Pure and simple. I honestly think that's about all I need to be happy, is the appropriate balance between being alone and being with friends. That right there is probably the formula to my happiness. Somehow I don't think this year is going to turn out allright.

Yeah, I wanted a single. No, they rejected me. Yes, I got a random roommate. No, I didn't know them before. *sigh* I don't know. I want to pretend and believe that I could tell I was coming on an emotional downer, but I've never felt more instantly depressed over meeting somebody in my entire life. It was as if any hopes I had had for finding peace with myself, and my life and finding friends had just dissappeared. Amazingly, my roommate is just moving stuff in right now, and so I am writing this intermittently, depending on presence of said person.

How anybody more the antithesis of me can possibly be rooming with me, I will never be sure. I have a picture in my mind of some devil in the 4th circle of Hell, the university housing department, cackling over their desk of brimstone and fire. I see evil cackling laughter going, MWAHAHAHA! We'll room everybody with their total opposites so that they will have a "learning" experience. MWAHAHAHAHA! Let's see here {hojita}, you don't drink, or smoke. You are an extremely ethical person. You are extremely emotional. You are fairly eccentric (or at least not university-frat-sorority-generic-college-student-normal. I'm definitely computer geek/dork normal). So, we'll pair you with a standard frat boy, "Hi, I'm your roommate. I need a beer."

Several quotes out of my new roommate's mouth:
  • "Rearranging your furniture while high is sooo much easier, man!"
  • "I'm going to minor in CS so I can be more marketable."
  • "Dude, we're going to have such a phat room, it'll be soo sweet dude!"
Not that any of those things makes him a bad person...it just makes him very much NOT LIKE ME. He's not the kind of person I would want to be friends with, nor is he the kind of person I would want to tell anything personal to. *shrug* I suppose I'm passing judgement early, being that it's only been about an hour or two now, but...I don't know. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know the first thing about my roommate. I think I've seen enough though to know the difference between them and me. *shrug* I guess I might as well say how I feel now temporarily, and I'll be open to see how stuff works out.

One can always hope for a single...
I swear i'm becoming an insomniac. I sleep at night, but i don't feel rested. It's affecting me. I get up, and i can't think, things that should be simple just don't work. I slur my words, i can't remember simple phrases. They say it can happen to asthmatics.

anyways, woke up, cleaned pool @ around 9, found a black widow, she no likey the Raid. Whatever, 11:45, pickup friend, goto Vons, pickup food. Come home. 2:30, girlfriend shows up, did i mention there supposed to be a party here today? Whatever. We wait until 3:00, no one else shows, get in the pool. We were having fun. Two more people show up, swim longer. 6:00 we get out to watch the blues brothers, order pizza, 6th person shows up. Get in the not-so-hot-hot-tub. Woops, forgot to set the pump to circulate only into hot tub. One of these days, our heater is going to explode, and i'm going to die a flaming, screaming, death.

Now 11:51, g/f left about 15 minutes ago. E2 here i come until i get up the nerve to clean up and collapse into bed. Oh yeah, i get to mow the neighbors yard for awhile. (well, they said they would pay me, i don't care, the guy had a heart attack)
prev daylog next daylog

I'm slowly recovering from a slight disease. In the summer. My throat hurts. My head aches. I may be dumb, but I went to a practice session last night. Surprisingly, the drummer is sick too. I thought that germs know better than to come out in the summer. It's about 30 degrees here (Celsius), and it's too hot for tea with lemon. But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

(q: What was Paul McCartney's favourite drink?
a: Tea with Lennon)

Before I go on, let me just say that I live in Israel, and so I don't know how much women from the rest of the world react to the term "chick flick". I for one find it an amusing term for a film that women cry in, and men don't know what the hell the crying is about. In most cases, men don't understand what good the movie was in the first place, while women love it. I hope I do not offend anyone by using the term. I certainly don't mean to.

The first chick flick I saw is "Sense and Sensibility". I went to see it with a female friend. There is a bit when Kate Winslet and this guy who reads her poetry or something break up and then get back together. Something like that, anyway. Now when they got back together, I smiled, because I thought it was nice. I heard a sniffing sound to my left, so I looked, and I saw this woman crying. I thought this was absolutely hilarious, because to me that was a happy moment, and definitely not a crying moment, and so turned to tell my friend that this woman is crying. Surprise, surprise. She was crying too. So I looked around, and every single woman in the cinema was crying.

So anyway, I watched Armageddon with my girlfriend on Friday. And she cried three times! I personally thought this was one of the top one worst movies ever made, and definitely not a movie worth crying in, it's so damn stupid. And I'm not only talking about the laws of physics in the movie which were based on Road Runner and Mighty Mouse more than Newton and Einstein. In any case, I asked around, and it turns out that all the women I asked cried in Armageddon. Do I even have to mention that no man has ever cried while watching it?

This has led me to the inevitable, and yet somewhat surprising conclusion that Armageddon is a chick flick.

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow

Read all about Yesterday's E2 London Meet!

12:45 BST

You are feeling sleepy, very sleepy

The E2 London Picnic, which wasn't a picnic, was really great! I'll add a writeup once I wake up some more.

Some snapshots of the events around the picnic:

There were two trains from Basingstoke to Waterloo Station leaving at the same time. For once in my life, the 50/50 chance paid off and I got on the faster, newer train. On the train, there was a man in his late 40's studying a book about octobrists while his ~10 year old daugther listened to S Club 7 and Charlotte Church.

On the way home, I bade farewell to spiregrain at picadilly tube station. The southern bound Bakerloo line platform was stifling; people were gasping and sweating. This added sweat to the strong alchohol, urine and tobacco smells on the train, but thankfully cool air flooded the carriage as it sped southwards through charing cross and Embankment to waterloo station.

The electronic display at the station had a problem that made it look as though the matrix screensaver was being run on it.

I thought I had been lucky on the train back; I thought I had a whole table seat to myself. Unfortunately just as I was trying to stretch out and fall asleep, a couple sat down at the table. He was quite drunk and she was complaining about her feet. They seemed quite nice though - There was a nice egalitarian feel to the banter between them, if that makes sense.

At Basingstoke station, a guy pushed past me in the taxi queue just as a taxi drove up. As he got in, he started to undress - the taxi driver refused to budge until he had seen money, thinking the guy was too far gone, or taking the piss.

At home...

There's an entire weekend of back to back X-Men cartoons on fox kids UK. This is lovely :-)

I've got that icky, post drinking and travelling feeling. I need to wash and put on clean clothes, but I have a real motivation problem right now.

16:55 BST

Washed and feeling much less icky.

Mental Note: remove my address from the Everything Address Registry before Dman gets his postcard :-)

Everything Day Logs
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Everything Snapshot

Time: Sun, 20 Aug 2000 13:44:00 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 660980 (487 new since August 19, 2000)
Number of users: 18157 (18 new since August 19, 2000)
Number of links: 3103806 (9503 new since August 19, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.404 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 4.696 links per node
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New Nodes: [wax] [spins] [Webpage Question Mark Bug] [I could keep my sexuality private] [Plead for me] [Brand Name Ripoffs] [trump] [Hidden Track Archive] [Pneumothorax] [Dream Log: August 20, 2000] [Meme] [Petaflop] [Blue Gene] [I bottled out of the e2 picnic fearing for my life!] [The old oil seller judges archery]

Users Online (19): [sensei] [ryano] [hatless] [iain] [Fruan] [Rollo] [Noether] [ZamZ] [bonnet] [Damian] [Craig McPherson] [RST] [dj] [lazyr] [core10k] [ebbixx] [arsenick] [mleko] [bstark]

JeffMagnus node count: 4033 (1 new since August 19, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9469 (1 more since August 19, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.348 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.611%
JeffMagnus node of the day: God

THINGS ARE ABOUT TO CHANGE, Mr Boss-Like Individual. I prefer to work in Umeå rather than Stockholm, and I will go through a great deal of work to make it so. So, can you transfer me to the office in Umeå Right This Minute, or will I have to get a new job there? Look at my finger, poised over this button. You know what this button does, hmm? It will send my application papers to more companies than you can shake a stick at.
Prepare to act quickly, Mr Boss-Like Individual.

Still scared, still insecure. Still caught in a vicious circle/deadlock. But I will probably hate myself forever if I just sit idle and watch this chance come and go.

Something I've done this weekend:

I met a fellow E2 user! Woohoo! Well, this one is at level 1 with one writeup, but an E2 user nevertheless... =)

Hmm, what else... spent a lot time playing silly Finnish DOS games (including a game about shooting animal activists who are trying to release foxes from a fox farm, and one incredibly lame game about shooting invading Russians - hilarious sound effects, though). Someone asked if I'd want draw an yiffy picture. Bunch of unread news. Bleah.

All in all, a quiet weekend...

Other day logs o' mine...

I have stuff in my flat now. Life is good. (All except for my SO returning to his own place--he stayed here for a week with my mom and me helping us move in). I found out there's a Max's in Oakland. Awww yeah! I'm going to the Oakland Chinatown Street Fair next weekend. It'd be very lovely to run into some e2ers there. The London Picnic thing sounded fun, too bad they grounded my Concorde.

I'm going to finally get my own domain name or two. As soon as I decide what I want. (wintersweet.com is taken) This could take forever. Naming things is a very important undertaking.

I need a cat or two.
This is the second day log I've written. I hope it's a worthwhile writeup for the one or two kilobytes it will take up.

Today is August 20th. Tomorrow is the first day of classes. I will be starting my third year of college tomorrow. Looking back on the past two years, I feel they've been both squandered and well lived. I've grown in more ways than I knew I could. I could never give them up but I would do anything forget them.

There are 133 days left in the year. It has certainly been a long time coming.

Today is my day off. I worked Tuesday through Saturday, with Friday and Saturday being ten hour days. Tomorrow, starting school, I will not have another day off until Saturday.

I moved into my new apartment one week ago. I lost DSL one week ago.

This is my 111th writeup. Hopefully it will give me one XP, to give me a total of 1,000 XP. Today is the 66th day of my E2 membership.

I am filled with a fear of the future and regret of the past. What an interesting way to live: the present is an obsession with what was and what will be, creating what is as a life of great displeasure.

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new day, for the third and last time.


This the sound when Mandrake 7.0 installed correctly on my PC. So it turns out that my trouble all along was my CDROM, how odd for it to lock my system up 4 times in a row, I just went through and replaced the CDROM to an old writer that stopped writing, and now it's just kickin' right along.

So anm and his wife Donna have basically camped out here at my place this weekend. We've had a really good time. We watched Mallrats, which lead to discussion on whether or not we had a movie in us too. Strange? Maybe, but we think we can do it. We're all subconsciously thinking about plot and funny shit to throw in. It'll most likely never make it to the big screen, nor the local video store, but a bootlegged funny movie, is destined to be a cult classic right?

We went to the local flea market, where the "bunnies" (what we call anm and Donna) bought a Parrot, well.. why not? They are at home even as we speak playing with the bird, it's kinda neat, and I bet their cats love it.

00:45 EET
(on August 21)

It is so damn dead on IRC again. Like I really needed a reminder of how everyone else has a life, a girlfriend or generally something better to do than sit in front of a computer.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
And I'm not ashamed of my geekish activities either. But there's plenty of more to life than this, and it pisses off to see friends being able to enjoy those "nicer things". Blah, what ever. Thankfully the E2 community is always here for me! Right?

Sigh, my hands still smell like reefer after fiddling with buds in the afternoon. I'm just no good at rolling joints! I'm beginning to understand why the nicotine junkies prefer to get their dope pre-rolled from the store. My skill would probably develope better if I smoked more pot, but a few times per month is just right for me. Naturally I'd prefer a (hamster) bong, but it would look a lot more suspicious in front of the neighbors.

So, what else went on this weekend? Nothing much I'm afraid. Got and overdose of Dreamcast games when a friend visited me. My thumb was quite sore after several hours of Soul Calibur, Power Stone 2, Chu Chu Rocket and Dead or Alive 2. They make some kickass multiplayer material for consoles, I tell you! I can't wait for the next party of our private IRC channel for some 4-player-mayhem.

What's up with Canal+ Blue? The only movie they seem to be broadcasting is Negotiator. I have nothing against it, but seriously.. Every time I turn to Blue, that film is on. At least it's anamorphic, but with my crappy TV there's not much joy to get from that.

Well, this was a long and pointless entry. Time to watch some Rurouni Kenshin and go to bed. This weekend ended way too quickly.
a lack of eventful events

Despite going to sleep around five last night, I managed to raise from the land of hypnos at eleven or so. The boys had decided to stay home from the beach, probably due to James' fever. Mario had dropped by in the morning. Relatively quiet, one of my brothers' friends I don't mind. It's a nice day - shining sun, a bit of wind and not too hot. Dad went for a jog and I declined to join him. I know he was upset at it, but I find it hard to run without the proper shoes and my current pair is falling apart. I hope I can find my running shoes soon.

weak mortal

That and my chest still twinges. Looking at the wound from August 8, 2000. It's almost as if I can see a rift in the flesh where they cut it apart and the two parts have failed to come together. It's going to scar pretty bad, I just know it. The stitches are ugly, the surrounding flesh is still red, the edges are flaking with scabs and crust. Not to be disgusting, but I wish my body wasn't like this. My mom's left with Nathan and she'll drop by home before I go. She's really upset at me leaving, almost moreso than the first year, and concerned about it. I wouldn't want it any other way, but it's still uncomfortable. Just a bowl of Kix for breakfast - I seem to be fasting lately. Oh, and the right navel piercing's been bleeding from the bottom hole. I was so pleased about the decrease in redness of the upper hole, and then I had to clean the crust from the lower part... The left one's had no problems, why can't it heal perfectly as well? I think I should start cleaning it with saline solution and cotton swabs again - I had hoped it would have settled down by now, and it had. I wonder what irritated it?

last minute enjoyments

After a fair amount of struggle over control of the sole modem and laptop, I ended up playing a game of Pain with James, Erik and Mario. I had to remember the rules, but after that arduous task was finished it was really enjoyable. After a while they ran out to get greasy Pizza and I played two games of Magic with David. I got him to promise not to reveal unpleasant rules on me in the heat of battle, a large complaint last time I played. He beat me badly the first time and then gave it up to Erik when he got bored on the second. I rarely get such an opportunity to play with my brothers in a pleasant way. Of course it'd happen the last day I'll see them for a while - I think that's why I did so. I beat Erik badly if a little underhandedly. I mightof drawn a few extra cards, and I certainly didn't tell him how to use his forces properly, but I think my pride was smarting. Not the best excuse for being immoral, but I'll deal. The pizza was greasy if edible. The reheated Indian food I had earlier was much better. The homemade cheese was okay, but the peas - each one burst with the taste of reheated food. Delicious, much better than when fresh. We played hearts for several rounds and got interrupted by the TV. The kids got entirely too much enjoyment out of Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke. I really hope they're not doing that behind our parents' backs, especially at this age. Soon I took off with my dad, leaving the kids in charge until my mom arrived. Hopefully they haven't burnt the house down.

return to la

We picked up Balboa Bars with James and Mario before leaving the island. My first of the trip - fasting isn't always bad. The trip back was short, no traffic, and full of intelligent conversation about politics. As usual, I played the anarchist, my dad played The Man, even though neither of us fit those roles. It was better than his "We're concerned about you" talk which I've heard before. I know they love me, it's one of the few purely positive things in my life, but I can't accept the way he tries to approach me sometimes. It's not just procrastination or lack of ambition, but I can't tell him that. He said I was one of the smartest people he's known - a real shocker. Sigh. We got home, dropped luggage and dealt with cat shit. My mother dropped by a few hours later. She was concerned, she was sad, and there was tearful hugs and goodbyes. She even offered the choice to not go back to college if I felt I shouldn't, saying not everyone fits into the traditional scheme of things. I can't think of a better way to show support. I know they care for me, only want the best for me - if they didn't I wouldn't be here in the first place. I find it uncomfortable but necessary. She's going to call everyday from the vacation house until I take off.

prayer for existence

I hope I can survive.

It's my 31st birthday What did I do? My wife bought me a new cartridge for my turntable, so I fired up some vinyl I hadn't played in years.

I washed and waxed my car. I played with my cats. I spent time outside where the weather is perfect for a change.

I found out Mike Nelson has a book out where he makes fun of movies. Cool.

Believe it or not, it's a good day.

The abridged version of masukomi's love life:
Girl falls in love with girl. Girl has other girlfriends. Girl thinks self lesbian. Girl get's hints otherwise and has period of introspection. Girl realizes that contrary to what she had hoped she is bi. Girl falls head over heels for boy, thus proving she is in fact bi. Boy says "let's not be more than friends". Girl, having seen this coming, while hoping otherwise, sighs.


Girl realizes there are upsides to this, including not having to try and figure boys out, and begins moving on with life, knowing full well that it's just a matter of time before the tears hit.

Girl walks dogs in mostly silent mode, confusing people who ask to pet them.

There is a lot I want to say right now, but, instead of writing several different nodes, I think it makes more sense to write most of it out in this daylog.

Finished packing the rest of my clothes today for tomorrow I am off to jolly ol' England. In order to do so I must rise at 5 am, but this is nothing new to me. The job I will finally be leaving in 2 weeks time has conditioned me to waking up at such an ungodly hour to do manual labor for much of the day. This has made me strong. It is with some sadness that I leave the country tomorrow. Being that I have no laptop and I am not sure whether or not I will have access to a computer in London the chances of me spending much time online are slim. The idea of spending a week without email or Everything is daunting. People might say it is kind of sad that I get so much out of this site, but, at the same time, its importance is clear to me. Even though my thoughts are being communicated through a computer screen they are still being communicated. That is what is important in the long run, right?

Anyway, back to the day. Finally got to show Fight Club to my best friend. She enjoyed the movie, but didn't get nearly as much out of it as I did. Then again, I've seen it three times. The rest of the day was more or less spent in contemplation. I don't want to end up like the people in that movie. I don't want to have to resort to physical violence in order to feel connected to the world. That is why I want to write. That is why I am here- writing. However, I still find it difficult to act on the desire I have to connect on a larger basis. Fear is what prevents me from doing so. People have told me that I have talent. Why, then, is it so hard for me to believe them?

Oh, by the way, with this node I ascend to Level 2. Yippee!

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