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Everything Snapshot

Time: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 00:03:57 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 607077 (1451 new since July 12, 2000)
Number of users: 16769 (56 new since July 12, 2000)
Number of links: 2332842 (22100 new since July 12, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.202 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 3.843 links per node
Link to user ratio: 139.116 links per user

New Nodes:

• tactical RPG
• FOREIGN RELATIONS OF THE UNITED STATES - 1961-1963 - Volume V - Soviet Union P15
• FOREIGN RELATIONS OF THE UNITED STATES - 1961-1963 - Volume V - Soviet Union P14
• To err is human
• Metropolitan Community Church
• Tip for Napster Users
• cheap plastic imitation of the Amulet of Yendor
• To err is human
• all-sorts
• Electrolite
• Must everybody get stoned?
• Hermetic's Rant: Gay Marriages
• So Fast, So Numb
• HardOCP
• an ounce of blood and your SO's soul

Users Online (44): [pukesick] [dannye] [jessicapierce] [yossarian] [hamster bong] [Orange Julius] [Dis] [thefez] [tftv256] [davidgentle] [LordOmar] [MasterYoshi] [eric+] [fondue] [birdonmyshoulder*] [m1a9366b] [Ground Control] [whizkid] [jkfghldagv] [Lethal] [idoru] [transform] [Enzondio] [ansate] [Tosta Dojen] [trega] [Jeeves] [ccunning] [Luquid] [Eos] [ithron] [LiquidSnake] [klash] [Michalak] [Brain] [stash] [tribbel] [Muke] [humanure] [viper281] [Merlin83] [hackthemainframe] [Mike626] [Rubster]

JeffMagnus node count: 3835 (-1 new since July 12, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 7173 (-4 more since July 12, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 1.870 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.632%
JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything 2 Civil War

(a note to my very first girlfriend / my high-school girlfriend) (has since been edited)

you'll get no (okay maybe a little) advice from me on your ex. I usually wind up at one extreme or another. (actually, it's not extreme or another it's total loss of perspective or perspective not adjusted at all, so go figure.)

Sometimes I meet a woman that touches my soul--or maybe just sends me directly into obsessive fixation fanaticism --- infatuation. Both parties then try to play it cool, wondering about loss of perspective, vicious circles of doubts and perceived slights and playing coy. Dredging of the most horrible admissions to make, and touching reassurances that she can see the good inside. Pain, jealousy, fear of loss. Domestic fantasies. Attempt to salvage the situation by bailing--that is, give up and come back to it later. Intense encounter, mixed messages and renewed lack of perspective. Tragic coincidences, high tempers, aversions to anger.

I suppose my ex(?) touched me but without the infatuation happening. They say that infatuation and disillusionment are a pair--when you're infatuated, you invent good things about the subject. When disillusioned, bad things. I can see how that fits into trust and jealousy, too. I suppose mild disillusionment can lead into a long-term secure-but-frustrating situation.

Two(+?) years ago, I tried to will myself to see it differently. I'd examined my judgments (obviously, only the ones visible to introspection). I tried to believe. I know the joy is inside her--I've seen it, once or twice. I know it's inside everyone. But she doesn't know her own rules are killing her.

She's wearing down. The path she's on is slowly eating her. She denies it. When pressed, she admits it, and says that that's just what she has to do. I tell her it doesn't have to be that way. She doesn't believe me.

Rules. Say they're like fences, she stays far back from them, cowed. You leap against them screaming. Both are steered a great means by the rules. My dream woman, my partner in crime, leans against them, climbs them, hangs her hand-washables on them, knows where the gates are, and sometimes builds purposely strange ones just for entertainment.

Or I could just be infatuated with her. I will not obsess. I will not obsess. I will not obsess... (update: over it.)

I sit here, working and studying, and my mind is mostly focused on work stuff...then I get up for more coffee or water and I slip into BaronCarlos mode. I am also wrassling (wrasslin'?) with certain hypotheticals, like going back to school for more, and the variables involved. What a pain in the ass.

Also, my glasses broke again over the weekend, and this is after a piece came off of the right side. The top center of the right-side frame just broke, and the lens fell out. I used to not like wearing glasses, because I had been wearing glasses since the third grade and christ on stilts did they contribute to my harrassment factor. I took down names, motherfuckers, but you're all selling insurance now, anyway. So I wore contacts, but starting November 99 I took to wearing glasses again. Now I hate wearing contacts but I get my glasses back today (under warranty, yay). Did any of that make sense? I should go back to work.

Later on I'm getting the rest of the stuff from the old apartment. I still drive about an hour to get my mail, though I've been phasing things out for a few days now. The people at the 'old' mailbox place are so amazingly nice, but not fake-nice, cool-nice. I still plan on writing to the HQ to laud them. I also need to buy a good coffee maker. I drink coffee like a fiend at work, but not at home, and I get a bitch of a coffee headache about once a week.

does anyone else read their dead father's horoscope?

I ask myself :

Will you heed my plea to atone for your sins and correct your mistakes before you're forced to?

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow

---

11:30 BST

Ironic

No sooner do I node Your Pain Destroys Me, about wanting to help people more, I am called up at 1am and told to get myself over to her house. The world has gone completely pear shaped and she was quite literally suicidal. This was not Ed Norton saving Helena Bonham-Carter, this was a full on Don't kill yourself, I am coming over situation.

She hasn't taken anything, she assures me. The knives are remaining in her kitchen.

She is further in debt. Her mortgage is now 18 months in arrears. Her parents are refusing to pay. She is being bullied at work. She almost ran someone over (this being the catalyst for calling me). I hug her, only to be accused of trying to take advantage of her distraught state. Even though she has just accused me of attempted rape, I grit my teeth and listen to her problems. The tears in my eyes aren't just from sympathy for her, they are from rage and sadness at her rash words. The barrier has gone up though, we cannot reach each other, simply because either I hugged too soon or in the wrong way, or because she snapped at me without thinking.

I decide to just hold her hand, listen and ask questions. She bought too many clothes and went out too many times. I cannot think of a solution; I am guilty of this too. As horribly male as this sounds, I let her cry herself out as the dawn approaches. She falls asleep at maybe 5:30, I get a blanket and then hold her and keep her from falling from the sofa.

We wake up at 8:30. She keeps apologising, I keep saying it's OK. She drives me to my house and I get ready for work. As she drops me off near work, I say "why did you accuse me of rape? I could never do that to you." The guilt is so apparent in her eyes, I cannot be angry with her.

18:10 BST

All dressed up and nowhere to go. I put on my smart casual clothes for work today, only to discover that my manager had forgotten to tell me that the customer visit was off. I Hate smart casual clothes, wearing them is so stressful: they don't hide me in bagginess like my combats and T-Shirts.

Work was nice and sleepy today; I almost fell asleep during afternoon coffee. Lunch was nice. Not the food, but there was a drop dead gorgeous girl in front of me in the queue. Of course, this isn't a porn movie, so we didn't start shagging right there. In fact, I don't think she even noticed me. (darn) Mental Note: Do not ogle girls in the lunch queue

I woke up early, shaking. That gives me a little under three hours sleep for the night. I'm hungry... haven't eaten since lunch yesterday, although I've tried. It was nice to get out of my house last night, but you know there's a problem when you go to goth night and everyone there is significantly happier than you. Didn't have fun (even though they played Kraftwerk), but when was the last time I did?

Cried a bit. I really don't want to go to work. Have to, though. (sigh)

Let's see how the rest of the day goes...

8:44 Eastern Daylight Savings Time.

Went to the gym last night and saw a friend from the old high school fencing team who was a couple of years behind me. He's going to Brown next year, which is cool as hell. Good for him. He mentioned that he wanted to switch from foil fence sabre for them, though, which is more than a little scary. Those guys are freaky.

Tomorrow is the day I make my fateful forced return to McDonald's. I'm nervous.

My parents' computer is on the fritz again, what a shocker. Maybe they should learn how to use it before blindly mashing away at the keyboard every time something goes wrong.

I actually had a productive day at work yesterday, as I spent at least three of the eight hours on the telephone with my team or otherwise writing code. First time for everything, I suppose...

<< week | July 12, 2000 | July 13, 2000 | July 14, 2000 | week >>

Everything's Best Users Snapshot

   #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
    
   1   EDB                  20016     1     1     1  20015     1
   2   Pseudo_Intellectual  18569   146   125    11  18444   150
   3   DMan                 17052   171   174     9  16878   170
   4   dem bones            15370   166   128    11  15242   172
   5   Segnbora-t           12080   103    95    10  11985   104
   6   Saige                11968   109   160    10  11808   101
   7   pukesick              9440    11    11    10   9429    11
   8   sensei                9354   115   107     7   9247   116
   9   dannye                9244   109    82     9   9162   113
  10   tregoweth             8956   113   119    10   8837   112
  11   Deborah909            8512    47    67    10   8445    44
  12   N-Wing                7999    28    20     9   7979    29
  13   ideath                7954    84    76     8   7878    85
  14   Jet-Poop              7739    28     3     9   7736    32
  15   Lometa                7695    56    11     9   7684    63
  16   knifegirl             7613    52    53     9   7560    52
  17 * yossarian             7595    60   127     9   7468    49
  18   /dev/joe              7566    75    82     8   7484    74
  19 - jessicapierce         7532   -28   -10    10   7542   -31
  20   Tem42                 7321    55    10     8   7311    63
    
  21   JeffMagnus            7178    27     3     9   7175    31
  22   pingouin              7044    26    33     9   7011    25
  23   ModernAngel           6788    23    12     9   6776    25
  24   moJoe                 6747    51    61     9   6686    49
  25   General Wesc          6679    27    13     9   6666    29
  26   hoopy_frood           6462    44    54     8   6408    42
  27   bozon                 6353    67    16     9   6337    76
  28   novalis               6024    22     1     9   6023    25
  29   Sylvar                5948    82   101     7   5847    79
  30   juliet                5655    51    64     9   5591    49
  31   Uberfetus             5457    52    32     6   5425    55
  32 * hamster bong          5354    77    60     6   5294    80
  33 - alex.tan              5328    31    15     7   5313    34
  34   Templeton             5258    52   124     5   5134    40
  35 * sabre23t              5038    50    48     6   4990    50
  36 - RockLobster           4998     6     0     9   4998     7
  37 * bitter_engineer       4975    50    86     7   4889    44
  38 - nine9                 4969    14   -16     9   4985    19
  39 - yam                   4943    11    12     7   4931    11
  40   wharfinger            4669    68    71     6   4598    67
  41   ariels                4556    30    42     8   4514    28
  42   kessenich             4536    25    34     9   4502    24
  43   Sarcasmo              4403     4     2     8   4401     4
  44   knarph                4280    21    12     9   4268    23
  45   CaptainSpam           4061    14     1     9   4060    16
  46   themusic              4018    35    14     8   4004    39
  47 * Dis                   3989    84    45     6   3944    90
  48 - Lord Brawl            3963    18     9     8   3954    19
  49   Orange Julius         3961    27    24     7   3937    27
  50   hatless               3920    54    27     8   3893    59
  51   Woundweavr            3792    13    13     8   3779    13
   *   EBU #51               3792    22    13     *   3779    23
 

Server time: 14:04 Thu Jul 13 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000

* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

sabre23t: Random Nodes

sabre23t: Nodes to node

• E2 Done --> Todo -->
• Malaysia Done --> Todo -->
• Others Done --> Todo -->

After a heady couple of months noding more and more daily, today I make my first noding faux-pas, and it's a bit of a doozy. To avoid adding further fuel to the fire, I shall draw a veil over the details of my offence, as much for myself as for the injured party, but it is amazing to me how much the angry reply of my victim strikes deep into my heart. I disconnected from the net and attempted to get some work done, but simply couldn't get the feelings of guilt out of my head.

I have sincerely apologised, but I feel an almost catholic need for punishment and redemption.

I hate hurting people's feelings - I seem to find it more painful when I hurt other people than when they hurt me - I guess I'm old enough and wise enough to be able to take the slings and arrows of others without it affecting me hugely, but I have far less internal defence against the knowledge that I've caused pain to others.

You know who you are, and, once again, I'm sorry.

Today I am just a little older and wiser, and will think more in future before acting.

Well, returning to my traditionally optimistic outlook on life, I can say that this has been the good thing to come out of today.

Favourite node of the day:Your Pain Destroys Me

I've just found out that my DVD-ROM drive I've installed in April 21, 2000 is now capable of having its DVD Region Lockout firmware "cracked." The web site http://www.firmware.com.bi has the program to remove the lock in the Pioneer DVD-303S SCSI device. I've never knew this will ever happen... Now where can I buy some foreign DVDs to test this feature?

0:45 EET The next day

Well, my new DVD-ROM drive is up and running. The firmware crack successfully removed the region lock, which is nice since I don't have any Region 2 DVDs on my shelves yet. (You really don't want any inferior R2 discs, Kit Lo. Except maybe Human Traffic. There's some good stuff on R4 though.)
My Dreamcast still hasn't arrived, but the extra controller and memory card did. And I was looking forward to getting addicted to Soul Calibur, Jet Set Radio etc. over the weekend. Oh well. At least I managed to do something reasonable today and cleaned this place up.

A guy I've seen on IRC for over 5 years has started a strange hate-campaign against me. I have nothing against humorous insulting and all that, but a full-on unwarranted personal assault is something else. I'm trying to get a hold of my temper before I start acting like a baby and bursting out to him. I'd just like to know where this came from...

At the moment I'm in the middle of writing my longest writeup yet, hoping to finish it by Friday night. I hope at least some of you noders out there will enjoy it.

I know what i've been told. I listen, I understand. Can I ever know if it's the truth. You hide so much to spare my heart. My heart need not be spared, for a heart kept from what it yearns for is often a misguided one. Led astray from reality by dreams and desires... by love.

Things once said can never be taken back but things left unsaid linger for eternity with a power more hurtful and fierce than a thousand tortuous deaths.

It will never be as the heart desires if the mind cannot learn to accept and engage the future for what its worth.
The future is not the past, the past can be learned from.
Repeat not the parts which brought sadness to your soul. If you do then you did not learn from the past. If you choose to repeat nothing this does not mean you learned from the past. This means you fear the future for its resemblance to the past.
Don't make assumptions based on the past for they only bring pain and anguish.

Even if love escapes me for all of eternity let it be know that I have known of its power and through others have discovered it's wrath. Through others I have come to know of another power almost as strong as love... friendship. It can not replace love or mend damage done, but it can calm a broken heart and allow life to go on.

Yet another waste of time type day. My life is so boring sometimes.

So, I’ve got an hour and ten minutes to go at work. No work to do. No customers to talk to. Just me and the PC and my CD’s for company.

My mother got through her surgery just fine. She says that her eyes kind of hurt, but she can see pretty clearly without any help. This laser vision correction is amazing, since she had 20/300 sight in one eye, and 20/250 in the other. She also found out today that she can finally get a cable modem. So, I have to go over to her house this weekend and help her move her desk so she has space for the cable installer to put in her modem and stuff.

I met my sister’s new kitten last night. He is black with a white chest and white paws. His coloring kind of looks like a penguin, so she named him Opus after the Bloom County character. He is absolutely adorable. I think I will nickname him Velcro or SpiderKitty for his ability to cling to the back of the couch. He appears to enjoy running at the couch, launching himself, and clinging there like his feet are made of velcro, or like he has webbing coming from his toes.

I’m going out to dinner with my father and stepmother tonight. Hopefully, that won’t be too much of an ordeal.

Nodes That I Wrote Today That I Like A lot:
after the therapy
she approached me with some vague line

CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
Muslimgauze – Arab Quarter
Haujobb – Freeze Frame Reality
Muslimgauze – Fakir Sind
Muslimgauze – Hussein Mahmood Jeeb Tehar Gass

Sticking with the semi-mellow drool inducing music today.

Briefly prepared for take-off, then realized that I am pretty far from getting off the ground. I think I am further away than I was in March, but I have not been sure about anything today anyway. To my disappointment, I discovered that the free enterprise is disappointed by my current occupation.

One is not supposed to define oneself by the views of others. Still, one often has to utilize said others to exploit all possibilities. I have to spend next sunday defining some long-term strategic goals. That will be both helpful and fun.

My XP to node ratio is 3.97 at the moment. I am quite pleased about that, particularly because I've been sort of noding for numbers to get to Level 3 today, and my last 10 nodes are all zeros and ones.

BaronCarlos, now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time!

It's been a very hectic week. I was taking the car in and it just died leaving me stranded in the hot morning sun. I was in my work out gear since I would be dropping it off and my son would be taking me home. Needless to say I was very uncomfortable around the tow truck driver, other drivers and mechanics who were kind enough to stop and help me out. Anyway a new fuel pump and $300.00 later it was fixed in time for a class I had yesterday.

In May I enrolled in a Beginning Quicken class at the local community college. During the most recent Carlosian Encounter of the Third Kind, Carlos presented us with a generous gift of the deluxe Quicken 2000. The Baron of Darkness showed up in his black trench coat, black fedora hat and black leather gloves at our home for some pleasant banter.

I'm concerned now because Number Two Son has bought a pair of dark shoes, his newest pescription lenses are dark glasses, and I spotted him recently practicing his best stoic look in the mirror at the store to see how he looked in a black Fedora-like hat. I think he is going for the Carlosian Look.

I can only imagine what life will be like having a 14 year old sneaky bastard , lurking insidiously and subversivly from the shadows of our home!

Since my test results from March 27, 2000 came back declaring me a Mathematical Menace to Society and I, 'should use a calculator until I receive remedial help,' I thought this would be a time to take a class and get the checkbook and finances in order.

I haven't been much in the public for the past few years so this was a venturesome thing for me to do. I wasn't quite sure as to how it would work out and up until yesterday morning scared of failing the class. I've managed a 4.0 since my Junior year in college, including 30 hours post graduate work. I didn't think my ego could take anything less. Needless worry on my part, I discovered today that it was a non-credit class. The only real problem I had was getting lost. I've lived here for over 20 years, but I've finally concluded that the reason I get lost so much is that the town has changed a lot, my landmarks are all gone after six years of being confined at home with an illness.

I woke up yesterday morning though with such a sense of peace. I knew from then on things would be alright. The teacher was terrific, very patient with me, and I was surprised to discover that I was sitting and waiting as others caught up. Mr. Catallini had this trick teaching tool called a Super Board (I think). It was a like a computer monitor as big as a chalkboard.....and all he had to do was touch the screen to close the window, like his hand was the icon on the mouse. (I want one of those toys next time I'm teaching!) I spent most of the day today getting our account register set up and entering the transactions. What a breeze! Hey I'm up for Advanced Quiken next!

*smiles*

Thanks Carlos wherever you are.

Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart.
- Psalm 32:11 (KJV)

Devotion

12:47 BST

Well, I've well and truly, officially, finally, adverb-ladenly, relapsed in my Day Log writing. Oh well. Maybe it's because my life is quite boring. Life sucks. I'm home in a shitty little town, with all those small town people and stuff. Apart from the fact that I'm not exactly a normal, average person - I'm not exactly weird, just a long haired linux geek guy with long hair who happens to go around wearing black clothes quite a bit, and occasionally gets those looks. And after being in a big city, feeling rather anonymous, I feel like I need to be more self-confident than I otherwise might be.

Anyway, I think that being back where I did most of my growing up, tends to dampen my feeling of nonconformance a bit. Seeing people who I vaguely know, or know just well enough to know I really don't like, is rather odd now that I am who I really am. That's what I think happened a bit after I left school and went to university; I feel like I am more the "real me" than I was before, and less what other people made of me. Not that I was overtly repressed by anybody, just...anxious about what other people might think. Which is what I feel reflections of now.

What happened to me today? Well I decided that for the rest of the summer I will work my ass off, doing lots of shifts at the garage I do some work at, and Perl coding for some local company. I get to make lots of money - two jobs! way! - and I don't really mind doing either. I mean, sitting/ standing around for eight hours serving people isn't particularly interesting, but I get to listen to music, and it's not exactly strenuous work. And Perl coding... well as some here might agree, hacking code is rather fun. Unfortunately my employer insists on phoning me at ridiculous times like 09:00, but then... I get to work from home, meaning when I want to.

Enough about that. I visited my flat yesterday. It's so much better and more wonderful than I remembered. I'm spending quite a few of my spare thought cycles contemplating stuff to go in it, how to arrange furniture and things, and so on. I'm soooooooo looking forward to it. Note that it's not going to be mine in that I'm buying it - I'm not - but I will be living there for the next 3 years. I look forward to that.

Well, work calls. I'll never get anything done if I keep noding or reading nodes. Which probably translates into no work tonight....

Ah, Daylogs... I've been forgetting these. Why was it that I haven't been making them?

Oh, that's right... some dumb fuck's been downvoting them. Who downvotes a daylog, honestly?

But, anyhoo, today, like I have been doing for the past few days at work, I've been doing ACTUAL STOCKING WORK! After NINE BLOODY MONTHS, they finally decide to give me a pricing gun and train me how to stock. Thank God I'm outta the bottle return.

Now most open walls around Meijer have a price sticker with $3.14 on them. Yes, I'll damn well show my geek, even in the grocery store, and even in such a small way as to pricemark the first three digits of pi. Unfortunately, I didn't realize how badly price stickers stick, and I found, amongst other things, my cat sporting a $3.14 sticker on it's butt...

Today is another episode of Exclaim Industries LIVE! I have yet to get a single Everythingian in there. Huh. Play for the audience I'm given, I suppose, but the current audience I've been getting is from a vastly different community than this (Mainly in that it's younger... that doesn't hold me back much, though, except in language use). It'd be neat to see how an Everythingian responds to the silliness, though...

It is.. the end of a day and I do not miss anyone or anything, I'm content, very optimistic and intensely satisfied with most aspects of a life I still don't understand but love. I think.. that it was herbman's little words that helped me feel this way, or perhaps it had more to do with the way in which they were presented. Regardless, I know they had much to do with the way I feel at present.. what a dreamy little human..

Today, I hear nothing but "At My Most Beautiful", all the time I hear it, as I watched a sunset blocked partially by clouds I hummed the sweet, soft little tune. It won't leave me and I'm so glad that it won't, I don't want it to.. it's as if I almost have that falling in love float'y feeling without falling in love. This doesn't happen too entirely often, really, so I'm embracing it fully and I've just the hint of a smile on my face.

There is a photography contest in the local paper that I'd like to enter if I had any film. I guess I could manage to scrounge some up, somehow.. perhaps take the five dollars I have sitting on my desk and use that. Perhaps that's why it was given to me, I don't even remember when my mother gave it to me just that she did.

I was informed around ten tonight that I've to work in the morning at seven o'clock, which is really quite awful considering I don't have even the slightest of desires to wake up that early. I really don't like it too much when I'm told I have to go work on some hideous job that will no doubt leave me bored (few things actually bore me anymore), and annoyed in general. Oh well.. mustn't grumble, at least that's what Joel'y always says..

I decided to add a writeup to "Whose Node is it Anyway?" today, I'm glad I'm not a judge anymore, I really didn't like having to choose any one writeup as "best". It's too hard, you know?

       I count your eyelashes, secretly..

I wonder if maybe someone will be able to make me smile with such simple little things some day, well, I know they could.. but will they?

Michael Stipe looks so infinitely dreamy when he sings, especially this particular song. I wish I had someone I could watch.. while they sleep, as they do the simplest of little things that seem so insignificant when done by anyone but them. I prefer this wistful attitude to the one of last night, when things seemed rather.. not so nice, I guess.

Something... someone, found a way to make me smile today, and they did, many times. Perhaps it was a little water sprite. To those who would make me realize things that are less than obvious sometimes, thank you..

It's been a day ... hell, it's been a life ...

My grandfather had a quintuple bypass yesterday ... and he's pretty old (78) ... however, he's fine. So far, no serious complications, nothing at all went bad. Hell ... he's a tough old bird. It's a reflief to know that he's all right, though. Although I may not have the unquestioning adoration of my grandparents like so many of my friends seem to, I do love them very much. And I don't need to lose another one.

In other news, one of my exs is coming to visit on SATURDAY. He's coming with another friend of mine from home on a little juant over here to buy some new clothes. Shit ... weirdness ... I haven't hung out with him in a damn long time, let alone for a long period time. Even weirder, I had a dream about him a couple of days ago and I don't dream.

It'll be cool, I think. I actually really miss his friendship. There was a time period that lasted longer than a year where he was my best friend on earth ... you tend to miss them when they're gone.

I set the tone of the day by listening to Falls to Climb when I got out of the shower.

"Someone has to take the fall.... why not me?"

It put me in a melancholy mood that I don't really have any reason for. I started remembering my brief bout wiht depression, and what it did to both of us. Well, her bout with depression, and what it did to me. It was put well yesterday... I was becoming more and more transparent.
But let's not think about that, now. It's over, we've learned, it's over.

It's over.

After work I worked out in our un-air conditioned fitness center. I'm coming together nicely... discovering a body that I only suspected that I had.
After that, had some quiet time and read Cryptonomicon. Napped, and then she came over; we watched a movie... The Talented Mr. Ripley. I saw it in the theatre, with my ex-girlfriend.

...

It's over... they're both over.
I need to quit listening to Michael Stipe early in the morning.

In the last two weeks or so my days have been so jam packed that I have fallen into the habit of noding my day log after the day has already passed. Today is no exception.

Happy Birthday: You make money easily; you also spend money easily. A partner or financial associate tries to curtail your spending. You see this person as unpredictable. Emphasize your day-to-day life. Work on organization, and enhance your work situation. If you are single, romance comes toward you. You are far more appealing than you have been in previous years. You might not opt for commitment for a year or so. If you are attached, your relationship might work if you can get past a money issue. SAGITTARIUS makes work interesting.



Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday to me!
Happy Birthday dear Meeeee
Happy Birthday to me!




Today started out pretty oddly. I was playing around on Everything when I noticed alvin had /msged "Happy Birthday" to me. My first thought was, my birthday isn't til tommorrow. Then I looked at the clock and it was 11:30 PM, he had sent the message a little early, or else lived in a different time zone! Now I was excited! It's my birthday!


Normally I don't get too excited about my birthday, I just let it pass. Or rather, I don't get visibly excited, I usually wait (and hope) for someone else to make a big deal out of my birthday. But no one ever does. So this year I took my birthday into my own hands. I was so excited that it was my birthday that I didn't get to sleep until 5AM! I called the pop radio station at 3:30AM and talked to the DJ, Izzy, for about an hour. He played a birthday song for me and asked me out. We're going to meet at Applebee's on Tuesday.

I woke up at 10:30, looked at the clock and was going to sleep some more when I remembered, Today's my birthday!!! And I jumped out of bed and headed almost immediately for the shower. For some reason I have been in an extremely dense fog lately. I haven't been too interested in life, I haven't had any energy. But dammit, today was my birthday and I was going to have a good time.


I ended up going to the tire shop to have my tire looked at. They fixed it for free. I don't know if was because it was my birthday or if it was just something they don't charge for, but he wished me happy birthday when he told me there was no charge...

I then went to the grocery store. I told everyone I saw that it was my birthday. If only you could have heard me...geez, I can be so silly sometimes. I went to Applebee's and I told them it was my birthday. They gave me a free dessert. I am so shameless. I love attention. But most of all I just love to be happy and cheerful, it's disgusting, ask MarilynM.

I had to get gas so I went to the gas station. I told them it was my birthday. I bought three scratch off lottery tickets. I made the guy at the counter pick them out. I don't buy them very often, cos I never win. I only won a dollar. I bought another and I lost my dollar. I was bummed and the guy at the counter bought me two more cos it was my birthday. I am so shameless!! I won a dollar and he was going to let me keep it, but I am not that shameless. I let him keep the dollar:)

Then I stopped to talk to my favorite neighbor on the way home. She is a great friend and I am not young enough to be her grand-daughter, I am closer to the age of her daughter, but I always have the urge to call her grandma for some reason. We talked for over three hours. I think she likes it when I stop to see her cos I always have some crazy story to tell her. And she's so fun to tell stories to because she laughs in the right places, she gets my jokes and she's a very cool nice person. Finally I realized it was almost seven and I was going to be late for my very own birthday dinner! So I told her that I was really glad that I stopped by and she wished me a happy birthday and gave me a huge hug.

I arrived just in time to accompany my sister to pick-up dinner. We ordered pizza, nothing too fancy, but it was really too hot out and too much of a pain to cook a dinner on a week day. Besides, I get my real family get together on Saturday, it's going to be SO much fun, I cannot wait!!!


When we got to the pizza shop the pizza guy made some comment about how much food we had ordered and guess what I said? It's my birthday! My sister just rolled her eyes. I love my birthday! I don't know what got into me, but I was just all silly all day! The guy wished me a happy birthday and said he would rush our order. He was kind of cute too.

When I got home my older brother was there. He wasn't supposed to be there. Then my younger brother showed up and he wasn't supposed to be there. We were planning on doing the huge family celebration on Saturday, yet all four of my siblings were there. It was very neat. My little brother was going to leave before we ate the cake but I asked him to stay and he did. I was very happy that everyone was there. Then my mom brought out the cake but she didn't have any candles. I was bummed. The best part of the birthday cake is blowing out your candles. You can eat cake anytime you want, but you can't really put candles on a cake anytime you want....but that's ok, cos that's what Saturday is for.

So my family has thing about singing. No one likes to sing except for me. Which is funny cos I am probably the worst singer out of the bunch, although I don't really know that cos they never sing...but anyway, I told them, I said guys, if you aren't going to put candles on my cake you are at least going to sing!! So they started singing but I couldn't hear them so I joined in with the Happy Birthday to MEE!! I just wanted someone to sing happy birthday to me!! And then they were singing so quietly and in that, I'm really bored, let's get this over with voice and so I stopped them!! And I told them quite firmly that I expected them to sing me happy birthday in a jolly voice cos it really meant a lot to me. My dad thought this was hilarious by the way. And in writing I am sure that this sounds really obnoxious but I swear I didn't do it in that way. It's just that on everyone else's birthday I always have to be the one to carry the whole crowd in the singing and I didn't want to be the only one singing on my birthday, I think that's kind of sad. So we started over and they were much better. Btw, the cake was the best birthday cake I have ever had. It was a chocolate and peanut butter cake and it was fabulous!!!

After cake we all hung out and chatted for awhile. My older sister showed off her engagement ring. And one by one everyone left. I looked at the clock and I still had two and a half hours of my birthday left! I called everyone I could think of but no one was home except for the people who working early in the morning and didn't want to go out. I ended up at Hollywood Video, I used to work there, and I came in to get my free birthday rental and say hello to all my friends. The manager offered me a job again and I will think about it. I love the free rentals but the pay is ridiculously low and that silly vest is really annoying. But I love to talk to the customers and give them advice on what movies to see. So I was thinking maybe I would go back. But the hardest part is that I think my manager is gorgeous and I can't stand that he flirts with me so much because I think he's so gorgeous. So I don't know if I will come back or not. I told him I would call on Monday.


Then I went to Friday's. I don't know why I went there. I really don't like Friday's. I'm more of an Applebee's kind of girl. It's always so loud at Friday's and the people aren't my kind of people. I don't know how to explain it, it's just me. I have a lot more fun at Applebee's. So I paid my five dollars for my Alabama Slammer, didn't leave the bartender a tip, cos I am bitch like that, and well, you know...it's my bir....

I got to Applebee's but they closed at eleven and then remembered why I went to Friday's:) Oh well, too late...so I came home and did the email thing and here I am....it's now been over two and half hours since it was my birthday....tommorrow is going to be so disappointing:(