-- the emotional wasteland
. The land fills of all the feelings and emotions too toxic to put anywhere else. All of the accounts of people dying, people falling in love, people falling into hate, and every other emotion in between.
It is daylogs where people release -- let out their true inner emotions. With what aim in mind? Deep down inside, many must hope that someone will read about their little snipet of life and somehow be able to do something to profoundly change their situation, but the truth of the matter is daylogs might get thumbed through every now and again, but are probably mainly ignored. This expansive wasteland of abandoned human emotion...
Well, here's my spiel.
Life is tough right now because, you guessed it, a girl. This is a girl that I've put my complete faith in for about 6 months -- never even stopped to question anything. I deeply love this girl, and that makes what I've got to do so much harder. We broke up just about one month ago, and I have to turn and walk away from the whole thing now. The reason it wasn't working out is because I live in a city about 80 miles away from the one she lives in -- we both go to school, and it's hard as hell to see each other. We managed for the past 6 months, but now it seems as though this isn't worth it anymore. There's something like 3 weeks left of summer -- three weeks I'm left here in the same town as her. Every day that goes by, I'm dying a little piece at a time. One of her ex's (that is good friend with her, and I've come into friendship with) swears up and down she's one not to be trusted -- that she's a liar. It's been so hard to try to detach. I put on that "I'm doing alright" face, so as to hide the fact that my soul is dying. I'm just hoping that this feeling will go away.
Problems arise when I can't get over her, but I want to, but I don't want to. I need to let go, because I know it's not going to happen at this moment in time, but for all the love inside me that I have for her -- I cannot.
On to the part about her being a liar. I'm still trying to believe everything that she ever told me, but there just seem to be inconsistencies. Little alleged stupid lies here or there, but she will tell me she's always been honest with me. I'm noble, and I believe in honesty. In the begining I asked her for only two things, and one of them was honesty. Is it she that is lying? Or someone else filling my head with suggestions. I'm just trying to make the break... trying to complete the cycle, so I can move on -- and so there won't be this massive void in my life.
"Betrayed" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.
I stand to lose my license over a speeding ticket I got while I was driving her home one day. She didn’t have proof of insurance in the car. Turns out, technically she might not have had insurance.
I had to sell my car, because my parents told me I can’t drive anymore.
I’ve still got close to a month before I can be back at school with all my friends again
I am truly completely cut off from everything that keeps me sane; the girl I love, my friends, my job (is at school), my car, and the gym.
This will pass, it always does…
And there's my emotional radioactive waste. I'm dumping it here for someone to read, and not really care. At least the idea that someone out there is running their eyes over it and thinking, "wow, his situation really *is* fucked up." I suppose that's enough for me.