A secret world-girdling conspiracy founded by (A) Adam Weishaupt, (B) Hassan i Sabah, and (C) some guy in Atlantis.

The Illuminati control the Post Office, the New York Knicks, Ross Perot, General Motors, Beyoncé, Hezbollah, Wil Wheaton, Italy, Brian Eno, MI5, John Ashcroft, Steve Jackson Games, CBS, Prince Charles, Georgetown University, the Electronic Frontier Foundation, the Democrats, Bruce Campbell, the Orbital Mind Control Lasers, the National Football League, the Church of Scientology, David Icke, Finland, Aaron Sorkin, Carl Lewis, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the House of Lords, Michelle Obama, David Horowitz, the National Hockey League, Olaf Scholz, Regis Philbin, the NAACP, Donald Rumsfeld, Lady Gaga, the Green Party, Dan Quayle, Canada, the Church of Satan, AT&T, the Hell's Angels, Grant Morrison, Nicki Minaj, David Sedaris, Coca-Cola, the American Autoduel Association, the Communist Party, Denise Richards, the Roman Catholic Church, ZZ Top, Union Carbide, Johnny Rotten, the Miami Dolphins, the black helicopters, the KLF, the day care centers, John Yoo, Everything2, Cate Blanchett, the Church of the SubGenius, Britney Spears, the Mafia, Sam Raimi, George W. Bush, the Ark of the Covenant, all of New York City, Gail Simone, Oscar Meyer, Wolf Blitzer, Exxon, Jimmy Carter, the Legion of Doom, the Teletubbies, Stephen King, Pravda, Jeremy Corbyn, the Environmental Protection Agency, Reba McEntire, the Jaycees, the International Weather Organization, Taylor Swift, Dick Cheney, Google, the National Basketball Association, Ivan Stang, Germany, Star Jones, the Walt Disney Company, the Bloods, Eminem, Burger King, Tommy Hilfiger, the House of Representatives, Ben Stein, CNN, the Columbian cocaine cartels, Ronald Reagan, Michael Moore, Los Alamos National Laboratory, the Spice Girls, Hans Bethe, Ann Coulter, Branson Airport, the Rosicrucians, Howard Dean, the American Medical Association, Pat Robertson, Israel, AC/DC, the cattle mutilators, Eric Alterman, the Science Council of Japan, Mick Jagger, the Greys, Bob Barr, the Harlem Globetrotters, Shakira, Archer-Daniels-Midland, Monica Lewinsky, the John Birch Society, the liberal media, Linus Torvalds, ABC, Bill Frist, Wesley Willis, Focus on the Family, California, the men in black, Tiger Woods, labor unions, Newt Gingrich, Budweiser, Kamala Harris, the Backstreet Boys, The 700 Club, Jerry Seinfeld, Ethiopia, Steve Forbes, U2, the World Association of Zoos and Aquariums, Kenneth Hite, Jennifer Lopez, Kellogg's, Hans Blix, The Onion, Jack Chick, the National Organization for Women, the Dalai Lama, the United States Senate, Venus Williams, Bill O'Reilly, the International Order of Columbiform Passerines, Miley Cyrus, Keith Olbermann, the Crips, Richard Simmons, the Central Intelligence Agency, Greenpeace, Don Knotts, NASA, Gary Condit, the Giant Squid Party, the Federal Trade Commision, Team Pingouin, Pervez Musharraf, Rocket from the Crypt, Elliot Page, the World Health Organization, Lyndon LaRouche, the goths, Wal-Mart, the Loch Ness Monster, Al Franken, DMan, the official Elvis Presley fan club, Jenny McCarthy, Ford Motor Company, Cindy Sheehan, TiVo, Barack Obama, PBS, Matt Groening, the Crystal Skull, Tony Shalhoub, Baskin-Robbins, Geraldo Rivera, the Academy of Athens, Tony Blair, dentists, Aaron Spelling, John Kerry, Something Awful, NATO, Saddam Hussein, Jessica Simpson, the Black Panthers, Al Gore, Nintendo, J.K. Rowling, the Freemasons, Wall Street, Mira Sorvino, Amnesty International, Mitt Romney, the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile, London Breed, Halliburton, Cardi B, Doctors Without Borders, Kim Kardashian, Margaret Thatcher, George Foreman, Warehouse 23, the Secret Service, Russell Brand, the swingers, Marvel Comics, Dairy Queen, the ghost of George Washington Carver, Art Garfunkel, the Internal Revenue Service, Kathy Griffin, Fidel Castro, Lady GagaJapan, Anne Rice, the American Bar Association, Oliver North, the BBC, Alex Trebek, your bank, Nancy Pelosi, Netflix, Harrison Ford, Domino's Pizza, Teddy Kennedy, John Byrne, Publishers Clearing House, Michael Jordan, the Flat Earth Society, David Beckham, the Playboy Channel, Texe Marrs, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Hot Topic, Tenacious D, Mark Z. Danielewski, the House of Commons, Howard Stern, ninjas galore, Southwestern Bell, Alexander Haig, Sarah Michelle Gellar, the L-4 Society, Simone Biles, Amazon.com, Charles Manson, NBC, Patrick Leahy, the National Institutes of Health, Chris Carter, Russia, the Secret Masters of Fandom, Toby Keith, John Edwards, Tesladyne Industries, Zendaya, Jesse Ventura, Switzerland, National Public Radio, Josh Groban, DC Comics, Barney the Dinosaur, the United Nations, the American Film Institute, Tara Lipinsky, Bruce Willis, Texas Instruments, Osama bin Laden, Paraguay, Sarah Palin, Tom Hanks, Procter and Gamble, Leonardo DiCaprio, Australia, the American Kennel Club, Slobodon Milosovec, Scotland, the Children of God, the Libertarians, William Shatner, Smirnoff vodka, Mariah Carey, the Fraternal Order of Police, Idris Elba, Eliza, the secular humanists, Rob Zombie, Sesame Street, Kate McKinnon, Yassir Arafat, Tyson Chicken, the Republicans, Lucy Lawless, Parker Brothers, the International House of Pancakes, Scarlett Johansson, the ATF, Rush Limbaugh, OPEC, Sir Mix-a-Lot, the Supreme Court, Peter Jennings, the Powerpuff Girls, Megan Thee Stallion, France, James Brady, Kirsten Dunst, Joe Biden, Glaxo Wellcome, David Geffen, the National Security Agency, Jerry Falwell, the PLO, Green Day, JC Penney's, Bill Bradley, Justin Bieber, John Kovalic, Bigfoot, the National Rifle Association, Microsoft, Ahmed Chalabi, the John Dillinger Died for You Society, Steven Spielberg, the Mormons, Hawaii, the undead brain of Adolf Hitler, Stonehenge, the Everything Death Borg, Donald Fagen, Xuxa, the Fox News Channel, Megan Thee Stallion, Hugo Chavez, John Scalzi, Terry Gilliam, Las Vegas, Steve Irwin, Sony, the Weekly World News, the National Endowment for the Arts, Manuel Noriega, Texas, General Mills, the Elders of Zion, Roman Polanski, the Moral Majority, Barbra Streisand, Serena Williams, McDonald's, Donald Trump, the Pope, Alan Moore, Hewlett Packard, George Lucas, Guatemala, the Weather Channel, Pamela Anderson, Westinghouse, Brad Pitt, the Moonies, the Ku Klux Klan, Jeremy Rifkin, Andrew W.K., the Federal Reserve, Kevin Feige, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association, Triumph, the insult comic dog, Al Qaeda, Tony Snow, Major League Baseball, Henry Kissinger, the People's Republic of China, John McCain, Mad Magazine, Hollywood, the space shuttle, Harlan Ellison, Little Anthony and the Imperials, Imelda Marcos, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, your mother, Sears, the Associated Press, Peter Dinklage, the Boy Scouts, Sleater-Kinney, the Pentagon, Robert Anton Wilson, the Red Cross, MTV, the San Diego Zoo, and many, many others.

They can do anything they want... but all they really want is a hug.

Many conspiracy theorists believe that the Bavarian Illuminati, disbanded in 1785 by the Bavarian government, merely reformed again later and continue to the current day. The only problem is that no one can really agree just what the Illuminati are/were up to. Some say they're communists. Others say they're anarcho-capitalists. Still others believe they're pure anarchists. Or, for that matter, Satanists. Many others believe that the Illuminati are the true heart of Freemasonry.

Maybe this proves that they are really good at what they do, or perhaps it is proof we are all insane.

The famed Illuminati slogan is "Ewige Blumenkraft und Ewige Schlangenkraft".

After Jet-Poop's super linkage, I frankly don't know what else would be worth linking to.

The condensed version of the Illuminati's control over organizations can be easily described by this simple diagram:


This information has been sponsored by the Principia Discordia.
searching for the most beautiful, wherever they go

According to the new "Tomb Raider" movie (ick) and many other sources, the Illuminati originated many years B.C.E. and were a group of people that had discovered a way to travel through time and do many other things using what is sorta like the TriForce in the Zelda game series in that the powers bestowed to the user vary by whether he/she is good or evil. "The All-Seeing Eye" (also known as the "little eye in the pyramid" - can be found on US dollar bills), symbol was cast in a triangular stone and the magical powers bestowed were too strong for the men to control. The artifact was then destroyed and the parts sent to separate corners of the earth. A group of men (including Lara's father in the movie), who are believed to control damn near everything on the planet, spend their lives searching for the pieces and taking over the world while they're at it.

Many conspiracy theorists believe the Illuminati are the cause of everything and anything that happens. JFK? yup, they got him... Lincoln? yep, him too.... WWII? Indeedy, you think Hitler was really that impressive to the Germans? Hell no, he had help....The whole Cold War deal? Just entertainment....

*The author would like to note that the above opinions are not necesarily those expressed by Good King Nerdnor enterprises and associates*

According to the illuminatus! trilogy the illuminati are one of several secret societies that are competing for control of the world and, eventually, their ascension to godhood. Supposedly founded in Atlantis as an order-worshipping religion that caused the eventual destruction of Atlantis, far before the Bavarian Illuminati. They have turned up as the ruling class in Babylon, in the Muslim world as the Ishmealian sect or Hashashim, in Germany as the Bavarian illuminati, and later as part of the Nazi party and in France as a group of Masons that started the French revolution. They have orchestrated both world wars and many assasinations. However, much of this history is speculation, and it is never entirely revealed how old the modern-day illuminati are or what the correct history is, although in the books Atlantis definitely exists

They continue to exist today, controlling most of the world's media and business, and manupulating the general population to ensure docility so they can achieve their aims. They have almost complete control of world government, and many polititical activist groups such as Neo-Nazis. They aim to condition humans through teaching from an early age and use of drugs to unconditionally obey authority and therefore to make them easier to govern. The most dramatic example of this is the reaction to fnords, which they have inserted in almost every newspaper to create an atmosphere of fear.

They operate in a pyramidal power structure, which is ultimately controlled by five leaders called The Five. Initially recruits do not know the ultimate objective of the illuminati, and are told that they are aiming for some other objective, such as communism. More is revealed to them as they rise up the ranks. Much of the structure of the organisation is based on the number five, as it apparently exceeds the human ability to connect things, and makes the actions of the illuminati seem random and unconnected.

Their most famous symbol is the eye in the pyramid, as found on dollar bills, but they also often use shapes such as pentagrams or pentagons because of the law of fives.

They are opposed by a group of anarchist groups such as the Justified Ancients of Mummu, and the Legion of Dynamic Discord, who have allied to oppose the Illuminati and have also created front groups though which they combat the Illuminati. They use unorthodox methods such as drug use and Satanism, but are ultimately the more moral of the two groups.

This is all from the Illuminatus! trilogy, so any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental.

Illuminati, The

First published in 1988 American Theatre Magazine, NY - May

a play

by Larry Larson & Levi Lee

This extremely surreal piece covers conspiracies, religion, life and death, and canonization in a series of somewhat related sketches or vignettes. The play is comprised of just 2 actors who rotate through a variety of roles. One well-known sketch involves Reverend Eddie delivering his sermon "Life is Like a Basketball Game", accompanied by his faithful lackey, Brother Lawrence.

The performance I saw was performed in 1992 at Live Arts in Charlottesville, Virginia. Michael Parent played Reverend Eddie, Larry Goldstein played Brother Lawrence. It really is hilarious, and Michael Parent and Larry Goldstein were made for the part. As it was over 12 years ago, I have only a vague memory to go on, but a few moments stand out. In one sketch, Larry Goldstein's character (no longer playing Brother Lawrence) is seeking sainthood. There's a witty exchange about virgin martyrhood, and he is able to supply the bureaucrat overseeing sainthood with two miracles, but not a third. When told he needs a third he takes out a large road map to head back. The bureaucrat says, "Wait, did you fold that map back up by yourself?" "Yes..." "That's three." Got a lot of laughs from the audience on that one. I don't want to give the ending away in case the show ever shows up in your town, but let's just say the next-to-last scene is a half-court basketball game betwee Reverend Eddie and Death.

Il*lu`mi*na"ti (?), n. pl. [L. illuminatus. See Illuminate, v. t., and cf. Illuminee.]

Literally, those who are enlightened; -- variously applied as follows: -

1. Eccl.

Persons in the early church who had received baptism; in which ceremony a lighted taper was given them, as a symbol of the spiritual illumination they has received by that sacrament.

2. Eccl. Hist.

Members of a sect which sprung up in Spain about the year 1575. Their principal doctrine was, that, by means of prayer, they had attained to so perfect a state as to have no need of ordinances, sacraments, good works, etc.; -- called also Alumbrados, Perfectibilists, etc.

3. Mod. Hist.

Members of certain associations in Modern Europe, who combined to promote social reforms, by which they expected to raise men and society to perfection, esp. of one originated in 1776 by Adam Weishaupt, professor of canon law at Ingolstadt, which spread rapidly for a time, but ceased after a few years.

4. Also applied to: (a)

An obscure sect of French Familists.


The Hesychasts, Mystics, and Quietists;


The Rosicrucians.


Any persons who profess special spiritual or intellectual enlightenment.


© Webster 1913.

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