A secret world-girdling conspiracy founded by (A) Adam Weishaupt, (B) Hassan i Sabah, and (C) some guy in Atlantis.

The Illuminati control the Post Office, the New York Knicks, Ross Perot, General Motors, Beyoncé, Hezbollah, Wil Wheaton, Italy, Brian Eno, MI5, John Ashcroft, Steve Jackson Games, CBS, Prince Charles, Georgetown University, the Electronic Frontier Foundation, the Democrats, Bruce Campbell, the Orbital Mind Control Lasers, the National Football League, the Church of Scientology, David Icke, Finland, Aaron Sorkin, Carl Lewis, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the House of Lords, Michelle Obama, David Horowitz, the National Hockey League, Olaf Scholz, Regis Philbin, the NAACP, Donald Rumsfeld, Lady Gaga, the Green Party, Dan Quayle, Canada, the Church of Satan, AT&T, the Hell's Angels, Grant Morrison, David Sedaris, Coca-Cola, the American Autoduel Association, the Communist Party, Denise Richards, the Roman Catholic Church, ZZ Top, Union Carbide, Johnny Rotten, the Miami Dolphins, the black helicopters, the KLF, the day care centers, John Yoo, Everything2, Cate Blanchett, the Church of the SubGenius, Britney Spears, the Mafia, Sam Raimi, George W. Bush, the Ark of the Covenant, all of New York City, Gail Simone, Oscar Meyer, Wolf Blitzer, Exxon, Jimmy Carter, the Legion of Doom, the Teletubbies, Stephen King, Pravda, Jeremy Corbyn, the Environmental Protection Agency, Reba McEntire, the Jaycees, the International Weather Organization, Taylor Swift, Dick Cheney, Google, the National Basketball Association, Ivan Stang, Germany, Star Jones, the Walt Disney Company, the Bloods, Eminem, Burger King, Tommy Hilfiger, the House of Representatives, Ben Stein, CNN, the Columbian cocaine cartels, Ronald Reagan, Michael Moore, Los Alamos National Laboratory, the Spice Girls, Hans Bethe, Ann Coulter, Branson Airport, the Rosicrucians, Howard Dean, the American Medical Association, Pat Robertson, Israel, AC/DC, the cattle mutilators, Eric Alterman, Mick Jagger, the Greys, Bob Barr, the Harlem Globetrotters, Shakira, Archer-Daniels-Midland, Monica Lewinsky, the John Birch Society, the liberal media, Linus Torvalds, ABC, Bill Frist, Wesley Willis, Focus on the Family, California, the men in black, Tiger Woods, labor unions, Newt Gingrich, Budweiser, Kamala Harris, the Backstreet Boys, The 700 Club, Jerry Seinfeld, Ethiopia, Steve Forbes, U2, Kenneth Hite, Jennifer Lopez, Kellogg's, Hans Blix, The Onion, Jack Chick, the National Organization for Women, the Dalai Lama, the United States Senate, Bill O'Reilly, the International Order of Columbiform Passerines, Miley Cyrus, Keith Olbermann, the Crips, Richard Simmons, the Central Intelligence Agency, Greenpeace, Don Knotts, NASA, Gary Condit, the Giant Squid Party, the Federal Trade Commision, Team Pingouin, Pervez Musharraf, Rocket from the Crypt, Elliot Page, Lyndon LaRouche, the goths, Wal-Mart, the Loch Ness Monster, Al Franken, DMan, the official Elvis Presley fan club, Jenny McCarthy, Ford Motor Company, Cindy Sheehan, TiVo, Barack Obama, PBS, Matt Groening, the Crystal Skull, Tony Shalhoub, Baskin-Robbins, Geraldo Rivera, Tony Blair, dentists, Aaron Spelling, John Kerry, Something Awful, NATO, Saddam Hussein, Jessica Simpson, the Black Panthers, Al Gore, Nintendo, J.K. Rowling, the Freemasons, Wall Street, Mira Sorvino, Amnesty International, Mitt Romney, the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile, London Breed, Halliburton, Doctors Without Borders, Kim Kardashian, Margaret Thatcher, George Foreman, Warehouse 23, the Secret Service, Russell Brand, the swingers, Marvel Comics, Dairy Queen, the ghost of George Washington Carver, Art Garfunkel, the Internal Revenue Service, Kathy Griffin, Fidel Castro, Lady GagaJapan, Anne Rice, the American Bar Association, Oliver North, the BBC, Alex Trebek, your bank, Nancy Pelosi, Netflix, Harrison Ford, Domino's Pizza, Teddy Kennedy, John Byrne, Publishers Clearing House, Michael Jordan, the Flat Earth Society, David Beckham, the Playboy Channel, Texe Marrs, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Hot Topic, Tenacious D, Mark Z. Danielewski, the House of Commons, Howard Stern, ninjas galore, Southwestern Bell, Alexander Haig, Sarah Michelle Gellar, the L-4 Society, Amazon.com, Charles Manson, NBC, Patrick Leahy, the National Institutes of Health, Chris Carter, Russia, the Secret Masters of Fandom, Toby Keith, John Edwards, Tesladyne Industries, Zendaya, Jesse Ventura, Switzerland, National Public Radio, Josh Groban, DC Comics, Barney the Dinosaur, the United Nations, the American Film Institute, Tara Lipinsky, Bruce Willis, Texas Instruments, Osama bin Laden, Paraguay, Sarah Palin, Tom Hanks, Procter and Gamble, Leonardo DiCaprio, Australia, the American Kennel Club, Slobodon Milosovec, Scotland, the Children of God, the Libertarians, William Shatner, Smirnoff vodka, Mariah Carey, the Fraternal Order of Police, Idris Elba, Eliza, the secular humanists, Rob Zombie, Sesame Street, Kate McKinnon, Yassir Arafat, Tyson Chicken, the Republicans, Lucy Lawless, Parker Brothers, the International House of Pancakes, Scarlett Johansson, the ATF, Rush Limbaugh, OPEC, Sir Mix-a-Lot, the Supreme Court, Peter Jennings, the Powerpuff Girls, France, James Brady, Kirsten Dunst, Joe Biden, Glaxo Wellcome, David Geffen, the National Security Agency, Jerry Falwell, the PLO, Green Day, JC Penney's, Bill Bradley, Justin Bieber, John Kovalic, Bigfoot, the National Rifle Association, Microsoft, Ahmed Chalabi, the John Dillinger Died for You Society, Steven Spielberg, the Mormons, Hawaii, the undead brain of Adolf Hitler, Stonehenge, the Everything Death Borg, Donald Fagen, Xuxa, the Fox News Channel, Megan Thee Stallion, Hugo Chavez, John Scalzi, Terry Gilliam, Las Vegas, Steve Irwin, Sony, the Weekly World News, the National Endowment for the Arts, Manuel Noriega, Texas, General Mills, the Elders of Zion, Roman Polanski, the Moral Majority, Barbra Streisand, McDonald's, Donald Trump, the Pope, Alan Moore, Hewlett Packard, George Lucas, Guatemala, the Weather Channel, Pamela Anderson, Westinghouse, Brad Pitt, the Moonies, the Ku Klux Klan, Jeremy Rifkin, Andrew W.K., the Federal Reserve, Kevin Feige, Triumph, the insult comic dog, Al Qaeda, Tony Snow, Major League Baseball, Henry Kissinger, the People's Republic of China, John McCain, Mad Magazine, Hollywood, the space shuttle, Harlan Ellison, Little Anthony and the Imperials, Imelda Marcos, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, your mother, Sears, the Associated Press, Peter Dinklage, the Boy Scouts, Sleater-Kinney, the Pentagon, Robert Anton Wilson, the Red Cross, MTV, the San Diego Zoo, and many, many others.

They can do anything they want... but all they really want is a hug.