Everything Day Logs
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Everything Snapshot

Time: Mon, 10 Jul 2000 00:04:47 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) mod_perl/1.21
Number of nodes: 602343 (987 new since July 9, 2000)
Number of users: 16631 (30 new since July 9, 2000)
Number of links: 2321945 (11823 new since July 9, 2000)

Node to user ratio: 36.218 nodes per user
Link to node ratio: 3.855 links per node
Link to user ratio: 139.615 links per user

New Nodes: Users Online (39): [dannye] [Deborah909] [Tem42] [General Wesc] [novalis] [ToasterLeavings] [binarydreams] [mcSey] [DaVinciLe0] [shmOOnkie pOOnks] [achan] [hamstergirl] [whizkid] [ism] [Natrous] [SB5] [Tosta Dojen] [wonko] [dr] [Shoegazer] [VT_hawkeye] [Hermetic] [matsmats] [Space Butler] [zatoichi] [Art Tatum] [Kubla Khan] [Metacognizant] [Tannor] [JungleBoy] [tribbel] [Neko] [rabid child] [Locke] [vladkornea] [Thrunt] [Tyrael] [nsahadi] [Candice]

JeffMagnus node count: 3826 (1 new since July 9, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 7004 (52 more since July 9, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 1.831 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.636%
JeffMagnus node of the day: Everything 2 Civil War

anger like a storm building up inside me

I am so angry angry angry angry angry and I don't know what to make of it. I'm childish and immature, but to be honest, so is everyone else out there who gives a damn about anything. I don't think I've ever been this angry. Fuck, I don't even know what I'm angry about, that's the worst part. Fuck fuck fuckety-fuck. Maybe it's because I'm tired, or hungry, or because I don't know where I'm going. Or because I do know where I'm going and it scares the shit out of me. Maybe it's because I'm restless, or because I can't speak to my own mother without crying, or because whenever I try to help someone I end up falling with them and we all lie there in a pile on the floor like absurdist clowns from Waiting for Godot. Maybe I'm angry because roadkill makes me want to shoot all the mean motherfuckers who buy SUV's one by one and throw their testosterone-riddles bodies onto the highway where they will decay and rot and make people want to vomit.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's because I've surrounded myself with people I love and I still feel completely alone. And maybe I'm growing to like it. The world doesn't seem to be moving for me anymore, just spinning like a ballerina. I think I need to get out of here, or give myself a hug, or read a really good book. I think I need some space to be angry in. I need a baseball bat and a pumpkin and a robot to follow me around cleaning up my messes; because there are so many I've left behind. I didn't mean to, sometimes, I just....forget. Forgive me, please, for my anger. Someday it will turn into passion and we will all be thankful

[Moved here by editors 12/15/2002]

15:45 (GMT +10:00) Sydney, Australia
Well, its a mixed day. My girlfriend has gone back to uni and is now 3 hours away for 8 weeks :P That always bites. On the positive my manager is away in Melbourne today, so I'm pretty much un-supervised - not that I've got anything to be doing at the moment. Still waiting for the terminals to be returned from Pacific Research so I can reload the dallas', and reload the keyloading software. We're now 7 or 8 weeks behind schedule - oh well, fortunately not my fault. So its been another intense day of surfing the web.

Tonight - Well, not much - I'm broke till payday (wednesday), got no pot, got no food - guess I'm getting takeaway and watching television (at least we've got foxtel now) and getting a decent nights sleep.
Oh yeah, BIG Thankyou, to my parents for buying me a good heater. Its really nice not to be freezing my ass off every night and morning!

Yesterday | Dizzy->Day_Logs() | Tomorrow

08:30 BST

I'm supposed to prepare for a trip to ONdigital in London tomorrow, but I keep putting things off. Every time I go to London, I get chronic Asthma for a fortnight. Asthma is such a hassle; waking up in the middle of the night wheezing and coughing is not my cup of tea.

Radovan returned from his one week paternity leave, I must take a look at his baby photos. Ant is off to Orlando for some Microsoft Indoctrination. The office is a little quiet right now as many people are in Japan talking about projects.

12:30 BST

Our sysadmins are nowhere to be seen. This means that getting a c++compiler on our solaris web server is looking unlikely (MySQL needs this, I need MySQL for some web apps)

I have been volunteered for ensuring we have working demonstration kit for IBC, a broadcast tradeshow in Amsterdam. Downside: More work. Upside: A possible trip to Amsterdam, city of interesting cafes...

14:30 BST

Too much caffeine this morning has made me sleepy this afternoon. Sysadmins still absent, I've discovered that our solaris web server doesn't even have a working Perl :(

Things that are good: London trip has been postponed, Global Communication is soothing and E2 is accessible. Things that are bad: Making an Access database for storing things that belong on the web, Not having a Microsoft Natural Keyboard pro at work and Meetings going on behind my desk.

My brain has decided to be depressed. Must be the weather or something. Certainly nothing bad has happened today.

16:00 BST

The apathetic mass of flesh known as my colleagues have decided to go out on Wednesday night for a beer and curry trip. Yay! And I only had to walk around everyone's desks convincing them that having fun is A Good Thing(tm)

Clockwatching sucks...

18:00 BST

Overheard as I left work (walking past the womens toilets) "Well, It's no wonder she won't help. What do you expect from someone who likes Anal sex?"

Anonymous phonecalls today: 4

Time to waste my evening on #everything...

breathe (this is an update):

I'm okay. I feel much better now, I swear. It is nearing 5am into a day that I actually meant to spend doing something, how easily my good intentions fall to an invisible but ever present floor. "I want to lick your spoon", I said to the little man who appeared on my keyboard just now, he was drinking his coffee with a spoon as I drink much of the liquid that slips through my lips daily. Spoon drinking is the best way to drink. If the liquid is good, it lasts longer, if it is not good, you get to take it in small bits rather than in large portions as would happen with gulping. Spoon drinking, it is the way of hamster bong's.

I was going to completely alter this daylog, but I guess I'll leave it, what harm could be done in such a thing? Who even reads entire daylogs anyway, besides perhaps me.. I tend to like reading other people's day happenings since mine usually don't consist of much. I tend not to write down what I did during the day but what I thought, because I generally don't do much of anything else, and if I do the thought involved is usually dreamier.

My sister's rabbit died, the one that was taken to the vet.. it turns out that after the vet had administered a bunch of drugs and charged my parents $110, he told her that he didn't expect it to live two more hours. Why, in sweet hell, would anyone do that? That seems so achingly stupid to jab the poor little thing with a bunch of needles when its death was inevitable anyway (everyone's is, of course, but I mean it was going to happen quickly). I guess it was just another way to make money off of poor innocent little creatures. Stupid humans. It made my sister feel better, all in all, because she at least tried to save it.. though she now owes my parents a nice sum of money.

Now that the sun is peeking up through the branches of trees, creating what I would refer to as "The Lion King" effect, I'll be wandering off to sleep. Dreamland is calling my hamster'y self, and I'm alright now. I am okay, and I am almost content, even. Things aren't so bad.. I just lost it for a bit.
I guess these tears were inevitable, you can only put such things off for so long.. I just want someone to realize that I need to be held for a really long time, I don't even care who it is.. I am hurting so badly inside, and I don't know what to do about anything. I can tell everyone I'm alright and I can laugh it all off, but there were a lot of terribly painful memories brought up in the last few days, and I am feeling bits and pieces of a hurt I was sure I'd rid myself of..

It is never over, it is always going to keep coming back and I feel like I'm in a continuous cycle of intense hurt that just won't ever stop. I just want to be able to smile and not worry about someone coming to take it away from me. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and not push myself back into dreamland so that I don't have to deal with anything.. I want to want my life again. I am slipping, day by day just a little more because I am not so sure of anything, I am just good at temporarily convincing myself that I am.

He was talking about a girl, and of course it is stupid for me to worry I guess, but I do, and it's because of all of the things hanging over my head, my indecision, my lack of trust in little humans. He usually knows when I really need him, but he didn't tonight and now he is gone and that is my fault, because I didn't say anything. I am so tired of sitting up all alone in the middle of the night and crying to this god damn stupid monitor that doesn't know or give a shit how I'm feeling anyway.

Things tend to look better in the morning, I always tell myself that. Hopefully I can force myself out of bed before it is mid-afternoon..

"How do you block the sound of a voice, you'd know anywhere?" - Insensitive
16:01 EET

Getting paid by the project instead of hourly/monthly salary is strange. I'm just getting almost an equal amount of $$$ for a 2-week work than I just did with a 2-month job. I keep feeling I'm getting ripped off here, but with my education(1) and experience, there's no chance of finding a better workplace. I just need to remind myself of the fact that money isn't everything.
Btw, the firm I work at is not Arabuusimiehet Industries, as stated in my home node. That's something completely different.

The sinister devil of consumerism has taken over my soul again and made me order a Sega Dreamcast. I swore I'd never touch a console again after CD32, but after seeing and using a DC the other weekend, I was sold. Now I'll get to enjoy flashy beat-em-ups and lose weight due to not having any cash for junk food in a while. A good deal, don't you think? :)

Speaking of food, I'm starting to get a bit hungry. But there's so much surfing/noding/ircing to do.. There really should be a Hi-Tech Hamburger Restaurant™ near the office building.

18:45 EET

Once again, I was dumb enough to walk home with no sun block on. At this rate I'll die from skin cancer before the end of july.
Winter, what's taking so long?

(1) I fully intend to further my studies, but not until autumn 2001.

14:46 BST

May I refer the ladies and gentlemen of the Jury to my weird sleeping schedule. I got up early afternoon on July 8, 2000, and alternated between working for a bit, procrastinating for a while, and working again. Anyway, I didn't manage to get as much as I wanted done, so I started working again around 02:00 (yes, am) July 9, 2000. Until 09:45 that day.

Around 9, however, I met my mother, getting ready to go out, to get a train to see relatives. "You're up early." To which I agreed; easier than justification.

So anyway, she went out, and I spent all day doing precisely nothing. I was not in the mood, and needless to say a little tired. I was to tired to even node what I wasn't doing, a mild degree of web browsing was all I could manage. This got too ridiculous, so around 19:00 I went to bed, and slept until around 12:00. At which point I got up, did about 5 hours of work, and went to bed again.

Insane. Well, anyway, here I am now. I got up after around 7 hours of sleep today. Which means I'm still under budget in sleeping hours, since saturday. Which is nice. So anyway, I've had a driving lesson today, which wasn't so great, as it seems I might still not be able to sit my driving test before being back at uni for a second year in a row... Hopefully that will all work out though.

Now, to get on with some work...

12:44 BST the next day...

I worked, I worked! The code worked, it worked! How surprising. Although I did put in the requisite amount of effort. Anyway, I got to bed ridiculously late yet again, which was around 07:00 BST. Why do I only work well at night? It's very bad for my health apparently, staying up all night, especially since I'm a night person. Apparently day people seem to suffer less from a sleeping schedule very out of synch with the normal, Nature intended, one. According to New Scientist anyway. Which I tend to believe.

As for the surprising (to me) result... you'll have to stay tuned until July 12, 2000. (Why do I always want to type July instead of June when writing my daylog? I keep visiting last months Day Logs and almost appending my entry for this month to then...

<< week | July 9, 2000 | July 10, 2000 | July 11, 2000 | week >>

Everything's Best Users Snapshot

   #   Users                   XP   wa7   inc Level   l_XP l_wa7
   1   Pseudo_Intellectual  18126   146   183    11  17943   140
   2   DMan                 16583   178   175     9  16408   179
   3   dem bones            14782   150   159    11  14623   149
   4   Segnbora-t           11765   102   117    10  11648   100
   5   Saige                11523    85    43    10  11480    92
   6   pukesick              9404    11     6    10   9398    12
   7   sensei                9052   122   174     7   8878   113
   8   dannye                8925   112    92     9   8833   115
   9   tregoweth             8680   123   185    10   8495   113
  10   Deborah909            8361    45    41    10   8320    46
  11   N-Wing                7887    21    12     9   7875    23
  12 * Jet-Poop              7694    36     2     9   7692    42
  13 * ideath                7679    80   140     8   7539    70
  14 * Lometa                7533    57    18     9   7515    64
  15 - jessicapierce         7514   -47  -210    10   7724   -20
  16   knifegirl             7510    62    16     9   7494    70
  17 * /dev/joe              7337    74    95     8   7242    71
  18 - yossarian             7317    38    28     9   7289    40
  19   Tem42                 7214    70    90     8   7124    67
  20   JeffMagnus            7149    38   191     9   6958    13
  21   pingouin              6936    21    16     9   6920    22
  22   ModernAngel           6665    16    14     9   6651    16
  23 * moJoe                 6636    58    55     9   6581    58
  24 - General Wesc          6622    32    13     9   6609    35
  25   hoopy_frood           6251    31    13     8   6238    34
  26 * bozon                 6168    72   193     9   5975    52
  27 - novalis               5996    28     5     9   5991    32
  28 * Sylvar                5605    66    81     7   5524    64
  29 - juliet                5585    65    11     9   5574    74
  30   Uberfetus             5301    52    22     6   5279    57
  31   alex.tan              5214    29    23     7   5191    30
  32   hamster bong          5159    84   135     6   5024    75
  33   RockLobster           4999    10     2     9   4997    11
  34   Templeton             4976    26    16     5   4960    28
  35   yam                   4924    14     8     7   4916    15
  36   sabre23t              4899    52    10     6   4889    59
  37   nine9                 4888     7     4     9   4884     7
  38   bitter_engineer       4755    35    65     7   4690    30
  39   kessenich             4472    27    38     9   4434    25
  40 * ariels                4419    20    29     8   4390    19
  41 - wharfinger            4415    57    18     6   4397    64
  42 - Sarcasmo              4391     4     1     8   4390     5
  43   knarph                4196    19     4     9   4192    21
  44   CaptainSpam           4050    20    20     9   4030    20
  45   Lord Brawl            3923    20     5     8   3918    22
  46   Orange Julius         3911    32     5     7   3906    36
  47   themusic              3868    29    57     8   3811    24
  48 * hatless               3792    48    46     8   3746    48
  49 - Dis                   3785     3     3     6   3782     3
  50   ailie                 3727     6    -1     7   3728     7
  51   65535                 3724    19     5     5   3719    21
   *   EBU #51               3724    21     5     *   3719    24

Server time: 14:12 Mon Jul 10 2000 UTC, corrected since June 29, 2000

* = users rising up in the EBU; - = users falling down in the EBU
l_ = last (previous) value; inc = increase in stats value
wa7 = ((stats + (6 * l_wa7))/7) = weighted average with denominator 7

sabre23t: Random Nodes

sabre23t: Nodes to node

Brilliant! Solaris setup due tomorrow, no prior warning. Lots of coordination done, a flurry of email released upon unsuspecting victims (and probably some innocent bystanders as well - fear my mad cc skillz!). If I'm lucky I might get my hands on a copy of Oracle 8i and install that as well.

Not that this is all bad, mind you. I just might get everything worked out, leaving me a couple of weeks ahead of schedule and allowing me to take a couple of weeks off without a guilty conscience or the Deadline of Damocles hanging over me. Progress!

Disease-stricken: My throat hurts, and has been doing so for a week now. Annoying! Seems as if my immune system is on vacation already...

Today's Soundtrack: Patti Smith's Glitter in Their Eyes. Rawk!

monday morning

back to work. it's actually quite nice to be out of the house.

when i saw my coworker (and former boss), he let me know that there had been an all-hands meeting on friday where those of us who have worked to develop our product were presented with statues and an envelope. he had such a gleam in his eyes when he said envelope... i know it's good. i don't know who i need to talk to to get my hands on my piece of the pie... i am anxious to see just how much is in the envelope. mostly, though, i am glad to see that upper management is recognising our contribution.

i'm having troubles with the Windows 2000 box i need to set up so that i can compile Windows software. it worked until i put the NIC in it (which it was supposed to come with, but didn't). i think it's safe to assume it's the NIC causing problems, but i figured everything would be plug-n-play. since i'm not a hardware person (and since i don't want to crawl around on the floor taking the box apart again) i am leaving it to our expert (yah right) MIS guy.

my office is as i left it, but amazingly my miniature roses aren't dead (i got them from my boyfriend a few months ago). i had asked someone to water them, but the cleaning folks locked my office door shortly after my last day before the surgery. so they hadn't had any water in quite some time. not only are they still alive, but there is a little red rosebud appearing on one of the plants. i love it. having another bloom is like getting the roses all over again. yes i'm a romantic cheesy sap. :)

more later...

early afternoon

the envelope contained one kilobuck. werd. less than i expected, but $1000 more than i had this morning and i'd be a damned fool to complain. i love it. i'm tempted to get a new paint job for my del sol. or maybe a computer. or, or, or... so many glimmering possibilities. but i already know what i'm gunna do with the moolah. put it towards the credit card debt. but it's still nice to think about what i could buy with it.
Another Monday. Fuck.

I'm four hours into a gigantic peer review of all the code for the project I'm in now, which is a big excuse to put the teleconference on mute and node for hours on end, since everyone else is 200 miles away and I couldn't care less about this project anyway.

Typical Monday sleeplessness, as a result from going from waking up at 4 PM on the weekend to 7 AM during the week. I'm getting hungry, but I can't go in case someone actually asks me a question on the peer review and someone notices I haven't been listening in hours. I guess I'll just sit here and drink my Yoohoo.
My computer is now stuck in the large print edition (640 x 480 resolution i think....) and I just developed a massive migraine from reading all these daylogs (it must be a hamstery thing to read about other's thoughts and such...). Excuse whatever filth poors out from my already disturbed little mind.

My father seems to have squashed my dreams once again. It seems that whatever I determine to accomplish and however much I believe I can really do matters nothing when stacked up against his cruel and demeaning comments. He's going through a rough time...actually, I think he's been going through a rough time since I was born. So I've thought that maybe he doesn't know what these simple words can do to me. I'm overly sensitive to what people say and what they refrain from saying. This is just violent pain for me...to hear someone who I love say these things without caring how they might affect me.

He knows. I can tell that he knows. It's just a sick joke to him, to play with my fragile and hidden emotions. I've felt like his little plaything all my life. I distance myself when he is around. Wherever he is, that is not my home. And I feel such horrible guilt because I hate and love at the same time, perverting each emotion with the other's presence.

I wonder when he'll break my spirit.
I wonder if he already has...

As I was writing this, I received some mail (real, not virtual). God, did you have to send this along at this specific time? I tried to hide it from him, but I think he saw. He didn't say anything.

So I came back here and cried.

I woke up early because I expected to see my ex-girlfriend, of four years, today. The two things sad about this are, 11:00 am was early to me and I was half looking forward to seeing her to, "show her how much I've grown." Goes to show how much I actually haven't grown. I was noding through most of the early morning from midnight to 5:45 am. I want to go out today, but I don't think I'll be doing anything because I'm broke and somewhat depressed. A year ago today I was still with my ex. I've been waiting for the time when I won't be able to say that anymore. Everyday till then is most likely going to seem the same way they all have. They're combining to be one long drawn out moment in my life. So there is my life on this day, July 10, 2000.

Only ~5 minutes late to work - surprising, since I set my alarm for the wrong xM last night. Taylor ham, egg, & cheese sandwich and an overly-buttered roll from the roach coach. Could do without the roll. Blessed with a smooth workday. Lunch with ™-, she expresses concern about her daily multiple beer consumption. A phrase from 8-10 years ago springs to mind, as spoken by my recurring ex: "flirting with alcoholism".
Home, I have an urge to engage in numb idling. I am tempted to bitch about the droning length of some of the day logs, but I doubt it would change anything. There is stir-fry fixins for dinner. Got my hands on a Seagate ST3144A HDD. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do with it - I intend to re-commission my former file server as a Linux box with this drive, but I don't feel like it now, but I hate to let the miscellaneous bits of a handful of vague projects accumulate around my desk, but if I put the drive away somewhere, it could gather dust for months or even years, but...
I had a wonderful birthday Saturday! I got what I wanted most of all, have been trying to have for a long time and that's a Family Day. A day spent together doing something fun and as luck would have it and considering everyone's schedule it happened on my birthday. All three cards I got said basically the same thing. I had to smile as they were all from men expressing how they're words go unspoken about how wonderful it is to have me in their lives. Silly guys! I know all that I can tell by all the things they do for me, I love every one of them! My husband bought me a 7½ pound chocolate layer cake with chocolate whipped cream frosting and pink roses. I ate WAY too much of it and got a miagrane, but it was worth every delicious bite! I sent some home with my neighbor and one of Number One Son's friends who happened by and celebrated with us.

We saw The Patiot it was an awesome movie for history fans and those who enjoy clever war strategies. The little girl saying goodbye to her father triggered a few tears and memories of Dad leaving for Vietnam when I was small, for the most part though I really never knew for sure. They would scramble on alert, leave and arrived somewhere in Southeast Asia where he was allowed to call.

Thanks for all the warm fuzzies ! I told my neighbor that I got Birhday Wishes from around the world!

When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth; for he will not speak on his own, but speak whatever he hears, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.
- John 16:13 (NRSV)


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