My computer is now stuck in the large print edition (
640 x 480 resolution i think....) and I just developed a massive
migraine from reading all these daylogs (it must be a
hamstery thing to read about other's thoughts and such...). Excuse whatever
filth poors out from my already disturbed little
mind.
My father seems to have squashed my dreams once again. It seems that whatever I determine to accomplish and however much I believe I can really do matters nothing when stacked up against his cruel and demeaning comments. He's going through a rough time...actually, I think he's been going through a rough time since I was born. So I've thought that maybe he doesn't know what these simple words can do to me. I'm overly sensitive to what people say and what they refrain from saying. This is just violent pain for me...to hear someone who I love say these things without caring how they might affect me.
He knows. I can tell that he knows. It's just a sick joke to him, to play with my fragile and hidden emotions. I've felt like his little plaything all my life. I distance myself when he is around. Wherever he is, that is not my home. And I feel such horrible guilt because I hate and love at the same time, perverting each emotion with the other's presence.
I wonder when he'll break my spirit.
I wonder if he already has...
As I was writing this, I received some mail (real, not virtual). God, did you have to send this along at this specific time? I tried to hide it from him, but I think he saw. He didn't say anything.
So I came back here and cried.