breathe (this is an update):

I'm okay. I feel much better now, I swear. It is nearing 5am into a day that I actually meant to spend doing something, how easily my good intentions fall to an invisible but ever present floor. "I want to lick your spoon", I said to the little man who appeared on my keyboard just now, he was drinking his coffee with a spoon as I drink much of the liquid that slips through my lips daily. Spoon drinking is the best way to drink. If the liquid is good, it lasts longer, if it is not good, you get to take it in small bits rather than in large portions as would happen with gulping. Spoon drinking, it is the way of hamster bong's.

I was going to completely alter this daylog, but I guess I'll leave it, what harm could be done in such a thing? Who even reads entire daylogs anyway, besides perhaps me.. I tend to like reading other people's day happenings since mine usually don't consist of much. I tend not to write down what I did during the day but what I thought, because I generally don't do much of anything else, and if I do the thought involved is usually dreamier.

My sister's rabbit died, the one that was taken to the vet.. it turns out that after the vet had administered a bunch of drugs and charged my parents $110, he told her that he didn't expect it to live two more hours. Why, in sweet hell, would anyone do that? That seems so achingly stupid to jab the poor little thing with a bunch of needles when its death was inevitable anyway (everyone's is, of course, but I mean it was going to happen quickly). I guess it was just another way to make money off of poor innocent little creatures. Stupid humans. It made my sister feel better, all in all, because she at least tried to save it.. though she now owes my parents a nice sum of money.

Now that the sun is peeking up through the branches of trees, creating what I would refer to as "The Lion King" effect, I'll be wandering off to sleep. Dreamland is calling my hamster'y self, and I'm alright now. I am okay, and I am almost content, even. Things aren't so bad.. I just lost it for a bit.
I guess these tears were inevitable, you can only put such things off for so long.. I just want someone to realize that I need to be held for a really long time, I don't even care who it is.. I am hurting so badly inside, and I don't know what to do about anything. I can tell everyone I'm alright and I can laugh it all off, but there were a lot of terribly painful memories brought up in the last few days, and I am feeling bits and pieces of a hurt I was sure I'd rid myself of..

It is never over, it is always going to keep coming back and I feel like I'm in a continuous cycle of intense hurt that just won't ever stop. I just want to be able to smile and not worry about someone coming to take it away from me. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning and not push myself back into dreamland so that I don't have to deal with anything.. I want to want my life again. I am slipping, day by day just a little more because I am not so sure of anything, I am just good at temporarily convincing myself that I am.

He was talking about a girl, and of course it is stupid for me to worry I guess, but I do, and it's because of all of the things hanging over my head, my indecision, my lack of trust in little humans. He usually knows when I really need him, but he didn't tonight and now he is gone and that is my fault, because I didn't say anything. I am so tired of sitting up all alone in the middle of the night and crying to this god damn stupid monitor that doesn't know or give a shit how I'm feeling anyway.

Things tend to look better in the morning, I always tell myself that. Hopefully I can force myself out of bed before it is mid-afternoon..

"How do you block the sound of a voice, you'd know anywhere?" - Insensitive