When I'm not at work, it seems I am doing homework. What a way to live. Woke up around ten this morning and took a 45 minute shower, then drove myself to French class. I had to park three blocks away from the building because of traffic. Not a bad walk at all; at least it wasn't so hot today. I actually brought along a sweatshirt, but never put it on. Got to class early for a change. Madame Chapuis brought in her kids today, who are fluent in French and English, of course. The older one did most of the teaching; it was quite humiliating. He must have been only ten or eleven years old. He was not shy about correcting our French when we messed up, either. Yet it was a lot of fun.

When I got home, I walked into the house to the smell of paint. Curious, I went downstairs. I found my brother and his girlfriend, Sheena, each wearing boxers and tank tops and splattered with white paint. My brother's room was completely empty, and all his furniture was cluttering up the basement. I couldn't even open the door to the laundry room. Turns out my parents are buying him a new waterbed and a couch to put in his room, so he decided to repaint his walls. Whatever's clever. I had to go outside to avoid passing out. I'm not sure how they managed to hold on to consciousness with all the fumes floating about.

Started on my homework first thing. I'm still not finished. Sheena came upstairs to take a break from painting, and she found me sitting by an open window, doing my Psych homework with a pile of books on the floor next to me. She said nothing, opened the frige, took a pineapple fruit cup, and went back downstairs to eat amongst the stench of paint. I kept reading my text book.

A few hours later, she was back. I was still occupying my spot on the floor next to the window, this time working on Anatomy. She opened the frige and got a plum, then waddled back downstairs, still wearing a pair of boxers. I could no longer smell the paint - perhaps I had gotten used to it.

I woke up when Sheena nudged me with her foot to say she was going home. I looked at the clock; almost bed time. And I still have Stats and Creative Writing to go through. Shit.

Just after midnight, I was sitting at my computer, noding. The room was lit by a couple of dim lamps; the monitor was the brightest thing around. Node node node, read read read, node node, read. I was absorbed by Everything. Completely focused on it.

In a split second, a large moth fluttered halfway across my field of vision and came to rest square in the middle of my monitor. It sat there, motionless. I paused.

Normally, to me, a moth is just an annoyance to be dealt with, something to be swatted away from my face as its frantic circling around the porch light is interrupted by my attempt to enter the house. In the moment that followed its appearance, I actually took notice of a moth as a creature, maybe for the first time in my life.

I saw its perfectly formed wings, and the delicate, feathery feelers on its head.

I got up, turned off the monitor, turned off all the lights in the room, and turned on the outside light. I walked to the door (which is right next to the computer) and opened it. The moth didn't move. I gave it a nudge with my finger, and it flew in drunken, dizzying loops out the door and towards the lights.

I closed the door, turned off the light, turned off my computer, and went to bed.

Thanks, moth.

wounds are still open that i thought were licked clean months ago:
i'm unsettled, in an incessant state of perpetual motion. i'm i'm not doing something i'm worried about what i should be doing.

there's a blank page in my head, a blank tertiary application form. just blank static with blinklets of light where the lamp shining into my eyes has left an impression. when the light fades there's only static left, like on an untuned television channel or the place between radio stations. endless movement in a stagnant place.

i've started writing anonymous little messages and sayings and putting them in a letterbox a couple of blocks away. it makes me feel good, i'm not entirely sure why yet.

i saw the shawshank redemption again, and it also made me feel good. the part about institutionalization, and how hope can make us free of it. "there are places in the world that aren't made out of stone - there's something inside that's yours, that they can't touch."
I'm rather bemused over the fact that my journal writeups are getting better reputations than the nodes I actually think up on my own. I'm not sure if I should feel flattered or insulted. Honestly, I'm just really amused. Perhaps my brain works better in stream of consciousness mode than it does when I actually try and think (there's irony in there, I just know it).

Spent another day in paradise, but at least I was making time and a half since it was a holiday. Everyone working at our store had been up really late the night before. We all were pretty cracked out and goofy, and we peobably scared a few customers away, but what the hell. It's a holiday, and if I'm gonna work, I'm gonna have fun.

I'm tired. It's probably due to the fact that I'm staying up way to late just so I can throw a few more nodes onto this site. Too much is never enough, it seems. I actually managed to escape for a little while and went out to see The Crew with my best friend, Kristina. Funny movie. I think I actually enjoyed Burt Reynolds for the first time since {Cannonball Run]. Richard Dreyfus was darn clever, even if we did have to watch him take a piss...twice.

After a week of moving out, packing and moving in things are settled enough so that I can finally catch up on my voting and nodekeeping.

Administrivia at the new workplace is almost all sorted out and I can finally start doing something after three half days of andering around looking for forms, signatures and whatnot.

Todays nodekeeping:
Everything Editor Logs which has spawned:
Editor Logs: June 2000
Editor Logs: July 2000 and
Editor Logs: August 2000

19:43 EET

The wonderful autumn weather really blows away all the weariness and bad mood created by stress and not-quite-ideal sleeping patterns. Only a few short weeks ago I was sweating like a pig and cursing the endless summer. Well, not anymore! The last two days the fall has been nothing short of perfect: cold, windy and dry. I hope this won't change until the winter arrives.

Ok, that's it for Break's weather watch. Sorry about that.

With more deal-making at work today, my financial situation for the near future is becoming clear. At the moment it looks like I may actually be able to afford my planned trip to Japan. With that, the biggest issue would be getting some company along for the ride. ReXX seemed to like the idea, but he'll probably go touring around Europe instead. An another friend would love to go, but doubts he can get the cash. Going alone is not completely out of the question, but I'd prefer sharing the experience. Oh well.. There's still plenty of time to organize.

Today's Writeups
Roland MSQ-100 | Roland MSQ-700 | sushi

E2 Overdose | Roland

upon completing Charles E. Wilson, i now only have four more secretaries of defense left to go. i started with the most recent and worked backwards and am finding less and less information about the non-political lives of these men. i am also learning that in the past, people did not study to become politicians... their studies led them to be qualified as politicians.

it's a nice day out, almost chilly in the shade. if i don't wind up working until after dark, i shall ride my bike around town a bit before heading back home.

i was musing this morning. remembering life in the philippines. where i first started school. where my teachers thought i was a problem child because i would wander out of the classroom (wait until everyone finishes their math worksheet or go outside to watch the monkeys in the playground, which would YOU choose?). seeing movies in the theatre at the officer's club way after their release in the u.s. (including Star Wars, in 1981). our gay yardboy, george, whose boyfriend stories my sister and i thought were told solely to amuse us, not being aware of homosexuality as a lifestyle. making banners welcoming dad back from sea duty. the hidden dangers of the beautiful beaches (jellyfish, stingrays, and rip tides). riding horses while surrounded by some of the largest fruit bats in the world. visiting mount pinatubo. vacationing in baguio. king cobras. rabid monkeys. hermit crabs bigger than a softball. gila monsters lounging in the mailbox. swimming as a part of the school curriculum. living near people who used the river both for drinking water and as a toilet, but for all their poverty were happier than most families i've known.caribou races. cockfights. going to the fish market. getting rides in jeepneys. being late for school because i was fascinated with touching the sensitive plants.

i miss it. if i someday have children, i hope to raise them (at least partly) overseas. i want my child to understand the relative unimportance of air conditioning, cars, and brand-name clothes.

anyhoo, now that i've written this whole rant about the philippines, i may as well make note of things i should node as a result: werd. node ideas. time to start.
Dear day log, today I felt dizzy.

First, in the morning, I was even more detached in school than usual. Well, that's not completely out of order. Anyways, day proceeded as usual, until the Mikrobitti magazine came. There were new version of two of my "old"-time classics, Areena and Wings. This in itself is worthy of notice, but when I was downloading the new versions, I hit a textmode lib, called Terminality, that emulated the classic Borland Turbo C console functions ! Coding in it was like being reborn. The joy has come back to console! Rejoice!

In other news of the day, I forgot how to code. Since when has C++ allowed me to do...

int** a;
a=new int*[5];
a[0]=new int[10];
a[1]=new int[20];
? I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but suddenly I realized I had been doing it for years and had no idea. Umm. Sorry. I'm going incoherent. Bye.

this day log rambling is getting out of hand...

Sam and I are both having trouble eating. I'm hungry and force myself to eat, about 20 minutes later I'm hungry again.

Stress must burn a lot of calories. Sam's barely eating at all. I woke up Sunday morning crying, feeling so guilty that I couldn't have stopped the dogfight and shortly after drifting off to sleep that night I woke up shivering and shaking. I assume it's the shock wearing off. We had a dog Cosmo who was absolutely terrifed during thunderstorms so I would put him in the bathroom with the lights and fan on so he couldn't hear or see the storm and it seemed to calm him down. He died a little over a year ago. We had three dogs and a cockatiel all of who have been my closest companions while I've been stuck at home with illness. This year Kiki, a black lab and golden retiever mix has been locking herself in the bathroom during the storms. We didn't believe she was doing it until I came home the night of the Fourth of July and Number Two Son and I found both Kiki and Sam in the bathroom. I thought Sam might have been an unwilling captive by following Kiki in there. Sunday and today Sam has locked herself in the bathroom. We are sure of it and have had to shut the door to keep her out. It's sad to see her so scared.

Last night I did go for a walk and it took some courage. I took Kiki along, some people stopped and stared, I don't know if it was at me. I could see the trail of blood left by Sam when she ran home after the dogfight. I speculated as to why she wouldn't come to me on my recall when she took off. She'd always been reliable before...when I gave her the command she turned and looked at me so I know she heard it, I assumed it was out of fright. What if... I wondererd What if she went home to get help for me. When she showed up my husband thought I had been hit by a car. Number Two Son thought I had been kidnapped and wondered where the blood on his socks came from.

Animal Control came by yesterday and they will be issuing a citation to the owners as well as filing papers to have the dog declared dangerous. The owners are only willing to pay part of the costs. The Officer said by law they're required to pay all of the costs. He said they'll be fined $150.00 for not having the dog confined or on leash. He'll be back this week to take me over to one of the neighbors near there where this same dog came into their home and attacked one of their dogs. The owners live across the street from an elementary school and the Animal Control Officer expressed his concern because his 8 year old son walks that way to school twice a day. He assures me the dangerous dog assesment will not require the dog to be put down. It's treated very much like points assesed on a driver's record. Depending on how many points are given to the dog, the owner will be required to do certain things, I'm hoping one will be to take the dog through obedience training.

My husband is buying me mace to take on my walks.

One of the bites between my fingers is showing signs of infection. I took off her bandages and cleaned the drain in Sam's leg. There's a lot of bruising and swelling, stitches from lacerations. I take her back to the vet tomorrow hopefully to get the drain taken out and find out when I can take her for walks again. I know she misses them. The court date is September 20th and I'll have to testify.

What happened to my wonderful walks?

I'm no good at that sort of thing, I don't want to do it.....this is terrible for everybody... for heaven's sake they have a five year old son who may lose his dog!

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
-Romans 8:28 (KJV)

I am assured that all things work together for good.


If all jobs are boring, should I return to studying programming so I can at least not feel so poor? Semi-seriously, what programming language would be the best to take a crash course in, I wonder...

I like my commute. I ride the O Bus and it goes over the Bay Bridge. My goal is to be able to identify all of the landmarks I see. Right now all I can name is: Alcatraz, Angel Island, Coit Tower, the Transamerica Pyramid, the Embarcadero, the Golden Gate Bridge, and (duh) San Francisco Bay. It's a stunning view! I read the newspaper during the dull freeway ride, and then let my eyes and mind rest and watch the water and seabirds during the bridge portion.
Remember the magic lavender shirt? Well, maybe it's the phase of the moon or something else, because on Saturday I got hit on (or maybe just strongly flirted with) by an AOL tech support guy. That's just...bizarre.

We return where we left our heroine, I-r8,(okay, so maybe she's not your typical wonder-person, but humor her please, she's a tad bit sensitive), as she has returned to her cave, only to find out that it has been filled with strange objects. The objects appear to be someone's idea of furniture, made of a weird, tacky bamboo-like material, and frankly, it's scary. Where did all this stuff come from? From her evil surfer, step-brother, Talx2Much! He has set ugly boobytraps all over her abode, designed to trip her as she swaggers drunkenly from her room to the fridge in the middle of the night. Agh! she thinks, What nerve! Tune in next time as we follow I-r8 in her plans to foil evil people who talk in order to hear their own voices everywhere!

You know, I think I type too loud. Everyone in the lab is watching me out of the corners of their eyes...I can feel'em. TAKE THIS!!!!!!! okay, I'm done now.

Today was another one of those days that never seem to end. I got up this morning, and wrote up a dream log for today. After that it was off to classes. Where I got to learn all about ADA. It’s just like Pascal. So I’m sitting in class trying to remember my high school computer sciences classes. And all that is coming to mind is playing quake in class over the schools network and Carrie, a girl in my class. I’m starting to think I didn’t pay enough attention to class those years. I did gain a great insight into the world of computer sciences. I no software ever ships on time. It’s because they start of the programmers in college. They give them a due date for program and then push it back just before the date. So when the students get out into the real world they do as they where taught.

After my ADA class I had a senior level college math class. And in this class the professor gives out cookies. I’ve never had a teacher give me a cookie since I was like in 5th grade. Not that this is a bad thing. I like all college students jump at the chances for free food.

I then went to stand in line for football tickets. The wonders of supporting your football team. See we score you score for more details on that. I spent tonight noding and studying for my classes.

I left the house early to vote for the folks I mentioned yesterday. I was the only voter at the polling station when I got there at 7:30am, which was kind of depressing. On the other hand, it means my vote counted more because of all the people who didn't show up, so the heck with them.

I went to the credit union to put a stop payment on the rent check that the leasing office lost. They could only cancel it by issuing a duplicate, so now I've paid for two months' rent. One less thing to worry about next month, I guess.

After work, I came home and called a bunch of people I'd invited to a bachelor party later this month. I really need to know how many of these guys will actually show up so I can set up a proper party.

I'm also watching the election returns. So far, most of my candidates are sinking. Good thing this isn't a horse race or I'd have lost money.

The combination of this weekend and this evenings episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer have really brought up a lot for me. I spent Sunday afternoon and evening with Karen. She spent the night on the futon in my living room and then we made our way back to New York in the morning. Like Friday, I was reminded of small the intimate details that only a lover would know: I recognized the whorls and patterns on the ball of her foot, the shape of her smile, the feel of her in my arms. But, I was also was reminded of why we're apart: we don't quite communicate well enough, better than we used to but still not good enough. Sometimes I forget and fall into old habits, and sometimes she assumes I mean things I don't. And it hurts, to still love someone like that, to know some part of me will always love her, and to know that we can't be together.

It's going to take me a while to get used to physically being around her. I need to learn how to deal with these intimate memories. Especially when that kind of intimacy is what I'm craving so badly right now. And that is where tonight's Buffy came in. It was the episode where Willow tells Buffy about her and Tara and then tells Tara that she is the one she loves and wants to be with. I must have watched that five times. It was so well acted, I could see myself coming out again and the whole sensation of falling in love, and telling someone you loved them again flooded my mind. I miss that feeling so much, and, when you come out to someone you really care about you make yourself vulnerable, and to do that and be accepted is a wonderful feeling too.

I miss loving you like that Karen, but I love having your love as my friend.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy! :)

So, I had the interview today for the job I really want. It went really, really well. So well, it's almost creepy. Seriously.

Now, don't get all weirded out by the spiritual stuff that's about to follow. When I decided to go ahead and quit working at egghead.com because it was driving me nuts, it was after spending a couple of days praying and thinking and wondering what to do. I finally decided to go ahead and quit because I think that if I work hard enough, God will point me to my next job, or at least give me a few nudges. On my last day at Egghead, I came home to find a message from the company I interviewed with today. I considered that a positive sign. Today I went to the interview, and it went really well. The company is a Catholic company, and there was a cross hanging in the lobby where I was waiting. I looked at the cross, and then a sense of peace came over me and my nervous stomach went away. I was calm. I was relaxed. I was ready.

I had a careful answer for every question they asked me. I nailed the techie questions. Everyone was smiling at me, and the overall vibe was really, really good. It was almost like a really good dream where you have all the answers and you are Queen of the World. I think I'm in. I think that God pointed me there, even though I'm not Catholic.

Ugh, I'm starting to sound like the scary Christian Youth I sat near in Barnes and Noble last night. I'm not very religious, but I do think that divine intervention occured today.

The rest of the day was fairly standard, but I am still riding the buzz from this interview going so well. Alex came over tonight, and I reheated the leftover stir fry I made yesterday for us to eat. He was very appreciative and complimentary, which made me feel great.

I had one minor bump though, and I'm working past that. I got a letter in the mail today from my mail order pharmacy saying that they couldn't fill my prescription for Wellbutrin because it "wasn't authorized by my insurance company". So, I talked to the pharmacy and my doctor today, and it seems that I need to call the insurance company to get this straightened out. I don't get it. The insurance authorized me to see this doctor - I don't understand why they won't authorize filling my prescription at the benefit rates. Freakin idiots. I HATE United Healthcare insurance, and I will NEVER use them again.

No idea what I'm doing tomorrow, outside of calling my insurance company and yelling at them. I kind of like not knowing what I am going to do. Maybe I will go to the library, or go for a walk in downtown Vancouver. I think a cup of hot chocolate and a good book at a downtown cafe will be in order for tomorrow. :)

Nodes That I Wrote Recently:
Bunch of nodes about the Hate comic book
All kinds of stuff! I did the "noding for numbers" thing yesterday since I wanted to finally get to level 5. They are all relevant nodes, just somewhat dry. If you really want to know what they are, go look me up in user search. :)
You should also read the The Great Grand E2 Book Lotto node!

CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
Download - III
Bauhaus - The Sky's Gone Out
DJ Icey - Essential Mix

Today’s Horoscope on my Calendar - The Ram's superlative mental skills come to the rescue. Yesterday's struggles can be displaced by your genius to find solutions as the Sun energizes Pallas. The fields of law, politics, and journalism hold enormous promise.

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