The combination of this weekend and this evenings episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer have really brought up a lot for me. I spent Sunday afternoon and evening with Karen. She spent the night on the futon in my living room and then we made our way back to New York in the morning. Like Friday, I was reminded of small the intimate details that only a lover would know: I recognized the whorls and patterns on the ball of her foot, the shape of her smile, the feel of her in my arms. But, I was also was reminded of why we're apart: we don't quite communicate well enough, better than we used to but still not good enough. Sometimes I forget and fall into old habits, and sometimes she assumes I mean things I don't. And it hurts, to still love someone like that, to know some part of me will always love her, and to know that we can't be together.
It's going to take me a while to get used to physically being around her. I need to learn how to deal with these intimate memories. Especially when that kind of intimacy is what I'm craving so badly right now. And that is where tonight's Buffy came in. It was the episode where Willow tells Buffy about her and Tara and then tells Tara that she is the one she loves and wants to be with. I must have watched that five times. It was so well acted, I could see myself coming out again and the whole sensation of falling in love, and telling someone you loved them again flooded my mind. I miss that feeling so much, and, when you come out to someone you really care about you make yourself vulnerable, and to do that and be accepted is a wonderful feeling too.
I miss loving you like that Karen, but I love having your love as my friend.