Back about a week ago
I would have killed any number of people I genuinely like for some decent time alone
to do whatever I wanted to do. Then an odd turn of circumstances kept me at school for Thanksgiving
instead of going home, and now I've seen almost no one but my housemate for five days and I'm so sick of myself
I could scream
I've been thinking too much
came to visit yesterday, which is the one exception to my week of isolation
, though somehow they don't quite count as people. The affair was surprisingly painless
, with the exception of the one or two jabs my dad made at the fact that my life is going nowhere
. We actually laughed and talked.
I miss my mommy
. It was good to see her.
But other than that it's been a virtual black hole
, and I think that was a good thing, but I'm ready for people again. I sorted a lot of stuff out and I'm thinking more clearly than I have in a long time
. Though now what I'd give for a vacation
where I didn't have to see myself at all. I spent a little too much time looking at the less pretty parts that have fractured, and trying to put them back where they go.
I've talked myself down
quite a bit. I looked at the things that have been bothering me and I found some good, I think. I wrote a lot
. I painted. I emailed some friends
that I miss very dearly from this past summer
. I finished absolutely nothing that I was supposed to for school. But then I guess there's still all of today for that. I slept
. As much and as long as I liked. Wow did that feel fantastic. I even cooked last night. Mmmm, broccoli
stir-fry. Haven't had that in ages.
"So I guess all is well," I say, in a resigned sort of way. There are still a lot of things unresolved
. I don't know what's to become of me. But I stepped back. I looked. And maybe it's not that bad. Maybe distance
is helping. Maybe I'll be over him soon. Maybe I have a future
. Maybe my dad loves me in spite of all the shit he throws at me. Maybe physics
isn't all that bad, and I can get through the two more courses
I need to take. Maybe painting and writing
were exactly what I was looking for all along, only I need to live a bit too to find things to paint
and write about.
I'm not counting
on any of these. But hey. There's always maybe