i can't do this. i can't do this i can't do this i can't do this. slumped over the front seat keys in the ignition i can't do this and screaming i can't do this, sobbing so i think i'm gonna puke and my head getting deeper in my stomach pressed against the parking brake and driving with my eyes full of tears, singing and screaming and why haven't i hit any other cars yet when i can't even read the speedometer with the blurring of this thing in my gut?

i can't touch you! so many ex-lovers, so much hurt and so much hate that i can't run away from. do not date friends. it only gets you in trouble. how they section me away with this floating ice that meanders between us, making all the world colder and making me want to book for it and run. 'go home, little girl, go home,' they hiss, but i stay perfectly still. held here. running would be giving in, but don't they see they've won? they've made me the smallest, loneliest girl in the world and how i want to hide. hiding. hiding away.

i can't touch him. he doesn't want me to.

how do i make it like this? what do i do with love when i can't find any love in me for me right now? i'm not completely gone. i know how it's supposed to be. but all this feeling wrapped up wants to take me away and hold me under water. i feel so fucking much. why do i always make the effort? what kind of friends are they that they never come to see me? and when they do come to town it's for everybody and when i go to their town its for them? why don't i get a word? how do i swallow? when do they get here? how do i take away this pain and why does emptiness get so much weight? i'm crushing. i'm crushing here, can't somebody hear? i'm crushing and i've tapped out all my resources. oh, they're so tired of listening to my bullshit. i go to one and can't even find him in his eyes, he doesn't want to know and why should anybody want to know??? all i do is jabber, never listen. listen, little girl listen. but i can't handle this. i cannot handle this i can't do this. what can i handle?

dear god i love him. i don't love him. why the fuck would i love him? i look at him and i don't even know him, damn he's got such strange walls, placed just right so he gives so much to strangers, but once you think you want to see more because you feel so close and smack! that wall. i don't even care what he's hiding in there, we all have our little places. such a shell, placed skin deep but the skin has so much richness i bet there's even more below. glancing down in surreal little glimpses of him i get from his art, but these are tenuous glances everyone gets and i am falling. i don't have the right to make them more. i am driving. i am falling. what i can't see is lying in the middle of the road and i can't move. i'm getting home.

is it love or is it running? so maybe i love him, but i'm in love with a shadow. his shadow curled its goddam fingers around every piece that was trying to keep the cancer of this pain inside my throat and not make me see it. i'm in love because it is a transference of this emptiness that's eating me from the internal to the external. i am in love with a shadow because it hides the hole in me that keeps getting wider and showing how empty the inside is, so black that i don't want to look. i wrap my heart and maybe my legs around another and forget that my chest is collapsing i can't breathe for the quiet darkness of this place, haunting me night after night after night when i go home alone and can't fill it by myself. all the more reason to be alone, i know. and now, from the look on his face i know it. no. no. he loves me too(?) but it is time to go.


all the things i can't do and all the ways i don't know are falling out of me like piercings through the flesh that i ripped open with pain. they are this bed. they are all the ways that i don't know!!! what am i supposed to know? what am i supposed to? supposed to supposed to supposed to supposed to. supposed to be angel when i am shit and all is crashing. sorry, sorry i am. this is not going to happen. how did i end up so empty that his picture is something i hold onto with two hands like it could fall away as i float under water just one millimeter from the surface crying, my hands extended to hold that picture that made it out into air.


it is time. it is time to recede, to recede and fall back into this dark place and let all this wrap around me, take me under. nurse this hole and hope i may fill up with something that makes a difference, but i have no right to enter into polite society until then. i am a mongrel with matted hair hiding in my cage and i can't do this! until then. and i'm not coming out, and i know nobody's coming in, like they've never done before. time to put back into focus all this shit i need to do and make it happen no matter how much sitting here with all this meaningless work rips this pen out of my hands and makes me bleed with all the soul i'm losing in every greek fucking symbol that looks exactly the same upper case and lower case.


i fall down into this dark place and i will hold it. hold it. no more of this. no more. i am now quiet. i will get over this, and come out, butterfly wings, kiss the sky. but now. now all i need is this quiet. and this dark place where i nurse my heart and know it's going to get better soon. i know it i know it i know it i know. and i will do this.



i will.

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