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Time: Fri, 24 Nov 2000 00:20:33 GMT
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JeffMagnus node of the day: God

Thanksgiving bites royally.

There's something about heading into West Virginia to my overly religious family and hearing them bash gays and blacks that just makes me give thanks. Yes, I'm so thankful for my hateful, intolerant family.

They make me sick.

Honestly, I don't understand how I'm a part of that family. My brothers join right in with my cousins, and they do nothing but deride me for being an introvert... Maybe some day they will realize that I'm not an introvert, and that the only reason I don't socialize with them is because I don't like them.

So in order to maintain my countenance, I sat there reading. All day. I barely said 10 words beyond "Hello."

For many, Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks.

For me, it is a time to regret the family that I was born in.

I want to make them understand so badly, but it's just impossible for me to tell them that I'm gay. I know that they hate gay people. And I know how bad they would treat my mom (they seem to think that me and my two brothers are perfect, and if I told them this, they would harass and torture my mom with it, and in her fragile emotional state, she wouldn't be able to take it).

So I sit there, and I endure. Another year goes by, and I survive. I wish that some day they would learn the lesson of tolerance, but it doesn't look like it. My only consolation is that one day they will die and their stain will be lifted from the world.

That's honestly how I feel about them.

My great aunt Judy (the one who threw a knife at my mom when she was young) was discussing religion... and how you couldn't question the word of god, because that's your "earthly council", and you needed "godly council." She actually said that we could not use reason to understand the bible. I just couldn't believe it.

And as always, the worst part comes when everyone agrees.

The second worst feeling in the world - to watch dozens of people blindly follow unsound advice. I remember when I went to Billy and Anna's church, and the preacher said something about how the problem with the boy scouts was with the gay troop leaders (I don't even WANT to get started on THAT one...), and then I listened in horror to the echoing cries of "Amen".

Just so you know, the worst feeling in the world is when you're walking around, not wanting to live, not wanting to die, not wanting anything. I know that first hand, but fortunately, I'm not feeling it right now.

That's bad.


So long.

Woohoo! I received my final wages for my part-time job (which I finished last Saturday) today with 6% holiday pay. I'm now half a grand richer!

Pity I don't have anything to spend it on...

What a delightful surprise - Mr. D came in today and his dentures were CLEAN!

It's now 2 weeks post-op, 2 weeks since I extracted 20 teeth for him. The upper denture has wonderful retention and stability i.e. it sucks to his palate the way we all dream our dentures to be. No complaints here. Except maybe the flange of the denture was encroaching on the movement of his labial frenum. A minor adjustment fixed it.

The lower denture was still sore to eat with... upon examination, the denture was over extended in the masseter notch area. More adjustment. The verdict "100% better!" and he was smiling again. He says he's lost a bit of weight from this soft food diet. I think he's doctor would be pleased.

Next thing: : gum shrinkage. Actually, the bone of the alveolar processes resorb after teeth are extracted. This is most dramatic in the first 6 weeks. Hence the dentures will need a reline SOON. We'll have to play by ear, or by mouth...


OK, another day and another cry...

Well, today I'm going to Kuhmo again for a weekend. Another boooooring trip ahead...

Cellphone battery is still dead. Probably as dead as dead can be. (And who was the bright guy in Nokia who thought that I need a battery to be installed to use the phone with wall power????)

I have about 300 mk left, no idea how much a new battery might cost.

Read Usenet, browsing Slashdot.

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.:



Playstation 2 has arrived in Finland and everybody is going apesh*t over it. Reportedly people started lining up for it at 2 in the morning, and those not being able to purchase one despite of their preorders have been nearly rioting.
Give me a break.
That's right, I didn't rush my way to the store to get one. Sorry, but paying 3000FIM for a console seems just completely ridiculous to me. Especially since the game selection remains quite low for some time, and the much-hyped DVD features.. well, suck ass.
Don't get me wrong, I do realize that true DVD fans won't use PS2 for watching the movies anyway. But if I hand over 3000 of our currency units I expect to receive quality. What was the amount of non-working DVDs on the new Hypestation again? 30%? Many of them don't even use the branching technique and are among the most popular titles. While the average Joe Public can never demand quality, not being able to watch Aliens might actually make some difference to him. Or maybe not, judging by the rate the units are getting sucked out of the stores.
And since there are only few games out there at the moment, I'll gladly wait until the price drops at least 50%. Meanwhile, my Dreamcast is certainly enough. (Ahhh, Shenmue)
Don't believe the hype!

I still haven't come up with anything spectacular for my work project. Oh well, that means 13-hour-days next week and lots of whining from the boss. Nothing out of the ordinary, then.

One month until christmas eve and there is no sign of (permanent) snow yet. Woo-hoo, Global warming. At least all the winter-haters (and believe me, there are lots of them here) are happy. Not that I would let the lack of the white stuff ruin my weekend, but this endless darkness and rain is slowly starting to get to me. There's nothing as depressing as seeing the highly-anticipated snow vanish over a 12-hour period, returning us to the autumn again.

Just a quick remind:

Today is Buy Nothing Day.

Well, yesterday I received my E2 t-shirts, and I am wearing right now the E2 drugs t-shirt, so I guess I'm not doing anything wrong today: I've bought a sandwich and a can of Coke, but this doesn't count, eh?.

Oh, and at least in Spain we don't have Thanksgiving, so the Christmas shopping madness hasn't started yet (unless you pre-ordered a Playstation 2, they are shipping today in Europe!).

I've done a little add for the Hoy No Compro Nada campaign (my own pathetic version of Adbusters' Buy Nothing Day campaign): http://static.userland.com/gems/conexiones/hoynocompronada.gif

work is mostly a cursory sort of thing -- i'll go in, see that no one else is there, send a few e-mails, then go home. there's a junkyard wars marathon on today! i'll prune plants, vacuum, do some laundry while that's on.

cozmo seems to finally be getting the idea that if he goes potty outside then he can have the run of the house when we come back inside. he gets a treat every time he goes outside. there are still a few problems i'm trying to remedy:
  1. for him, outside is playtime, not peetime. he prances and plays instead of seeing it as an opportunity to go. i've been trying to extend the time between walks so he really has to go when i take him out. i'm trying to be no-nonsense on the walk, not allowing him to play much, but this doesn't mean he'll go potty. you can lead a horse to water but you can make him drink.
  2. i am not having much luck in trying to get him to tell me when he has to go, nor am i getting any better at recognizing his "i gotta pee" face.
  3. his schedule is getting better. walk in the morning, sometimes a walk around lunch, a walk when i come home from work, a walk around 8, and a final walk before i go to bed. this is good. his body is adjusting to this schedule. only problem is that if he doesn't really have to go when we're on a walk, he won't. he'll play instead. grrrrrrrr.
he sure is a sweety though. he and the cat are seeming to like the arrangement. they play hide and seek. i'd love to keep him, and if he continues to do okay in his potty training i probably will. not being able to stay away overnight is kinda a pain in the ass, but that's the trade-off. i know that aspect bugs the man in my life, and it bugs me too... but we'll have to find ways to work through it.
Thanksgiving dinner was sushi and niwadori yaki... the man and i had dinner at his parents house on wednesday night since his mother had to work Thanksgiving day. Yuraku was the only restaurant we could find that was open (other than fast food). It was good. miso soup, salad, california and spicy tuna rolls (i love maki), niwadori yaki. mmmmmmm.

more later...
Today I feel full so lethargic.
I've been upset and anxious all afternoon but since I've not really spoken to anyone, there is no-one that could have caused it. Thus I think I've had "too much thinking time".

I find I'm doing it more often these days, spending lots of time thinking about all the bad things in my life. I guess I just have to snap out of it really though this is easier said than done.

I think I'll just go home and get a video, something ridiculously slushy so that I can have a good cry and then hopefully tomorrow I'll feel less emotional

Reading the writeups above, I feel fortunate that I have my Playstation 2 I ordered in July from Electronics Boutique. It came only two weeks ago and I have played DOA2 and Ridge Racer V. I think I'm addicted to video games again since I stopped playing Ms. PacMan in the 1980's.

11:17am EST
At work with very little to do. I guess I can start on creating a concept document for my user interface screenshots. I've finished all the graphics, they just need to be reviewed.

I'm going to Ottawa again today to visit my Love. The last time I went, I spent all weekend helping her proofread one of her assignments. This weekend I hope to have more personable fun.

I just realized I haven't seen my dad for a while. We rarely sit together at the dinner table anymore during the weekdays because I'm always hungry once I get home. I eat by myself in front of the TV flipping between Speedvision and the local news. But it's busy this year and people are buying more coats from his business. Thank goodness!

11:32am EST
Crap! I just got an e-mail letting me know that there's going to be some unexciting work to be done by or in January. Ohh..dialog boxes..how fun. Oh wait..this is part of my job.

I can't wait to see my Love tonight!

Whoah. One writeup left before I level-up.

Ugh, I'm still full from Thanksgiving! Maybe I'll be hungry enough for some leftovers around lunch time.

This looks to be another lazy day, considering none of my friends have a clue about their weekend plans. Maybe by some miracle we'll all have the sense to get together in the midst of our boredom.

I'll probably end up finishing The Color Purple and do my massive pile of AP History homework. Maybe a couple movies after that. My mom told me I have to make a Christmas list too... I don't even know what I want. Maybe a couple books and some Charlie Parker CDs.

Cleaning my room might be a good thing to do first, considering I've forgotten the color of the carpet... oh well, cleaning calls.

Gotta get the house ready for all the company tonight, I'm having a burthday party and I invited al my friends that were in town to visit their folks for Thanksgiving. Who knew this many people would come.
Got Liquor
Got Beer
Got Snacks
Got Movies
Got Spare Bedrooms for guests

Damn I'm too busy to finish this...

One of the local cable channels is showing a Welcome Back Kotter marathon, of all things. Since the channel belongs to the cable system, Time Warner, and the Kotter reruns are owned by Time Warner, it's your classic cheap-programming-via-synergy ploy. But it's interesting to see a white-haired Ron Palillo hosting the marathon, and fun to pick out future stars like James Woods making guest appearances (though I guess Debralee Scott only counts as a star if you were a Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman fan). They haven't shown any episodes from the post-Barbarino Stephen Shortridge year(s) (weeks?), which I'm a little curious about, because I never saw them the first time around, having sworn off TV for the first time right about then.

The Missus had a Thanksgiving dinner surprise. Cuisine à la Jetson! -- an eight-ounce glass of water, and some tiny pills. Not sure of my Jetson lore, I didn't remember if the water caused the pills to expand into real food, or if the pill was to be swallowed, filling me as if I'd had the turkey, yams, stuffing, pie, and dog. I fled to the sanctuary of The Colonel, who, while he didn't have a turkey or turducken handy, provided ample substitutes for the pill-and-water "dinner" that would have befallen me.

I still have no place to live. I've been looking at apartments in the Lower East Side and East Village, perfect locations because I can just walk a few blocks during my lunch break to see them. They're all pretty much of ghetto quality (since this was, once upon a time, the ghetto, before all those unsightly dark-skinned people hijacked the term and took it uptown) and yuppie-scum rents, due to the popularity of the location, and the ability of many NYU students to have mum'n'dad fork over the benjamins for the rents. The location is perfect for me as well, since I can walk home in lieu of passing out at my desk, or walk over to The Missus' place, where I can enjoy some fine roasted peppers, albeit in the form of a little white pill with a glass of water.

Did You Know? The Rock doesn't go for all this "Did You Know?" stuff. The Rock has more important things on his mind, like the wording on the contracts The People's Noder signed with Titan Sports. The Rock isn't too happy to hear some rootie-poo actors using The People's Catchphrases in that commercial for the WWF Smackdown video game. So The Rock isn't too interested in all this "Did You Know?" stuff that that candy-ass pingouin likes to put in his lame day logs. The only thing you need to know is your role, if you smell... what The Rock... is cookin'!

Today I have been a lightening rod for crap. I finally finished my application and handed it to the good-looking security guard at the embassy. It was a relaxing but frozen walk with the wind blowing all the wrong way. As I was celebrating the idea that I will not be completely stuck next year after graduation...

"Pecheuse!" hollered a homeless person, with an impossible androgynous look. "pecheuse" is sinner in French.

"Regardez ta jupe courte, tu montre le monde tous!" Basically he/she was saying I left nothing to the imagination. It is a short skirt, wooly pink plaid. Shut up. It is not that bad. I gave him/her the finger; it was kind of ineffective since I was wearing my mittens. I wanted to scream:

"Tait tois!" shut up! but I feared violent retaliation. 5 minutes of listening to this crap, I ducked into a book store and escaped. Shaken and out of place in this extremely classy shop.

I got home and my roommate was all sympathetic and sweet. I got a package together for my friend in Japan. It is a care package; her friends at home (including me) have basically been ignoring her since she left. I gave her a series of gifts and put numbers on them. One of them is super mints that feel the best when you give oral sex. Another was a bunch of little elephants to show that I never forget her. Anyway, it was kind of a detailed operation; like I put in a note with each and every gift. I wanted to have it out by 5:00 p.m.. Then my roommate discovered his asshole within:

"Wow, when you make a mess, you go all out" he said.

He didn't see the effort I was putting into caring for Lori. All he saw was a mess in the TV room. He also wants me to pretend not to see him for the entire weekend. He gets all bent out of shape when Ben comes over. He wants to avoid both of us. It is no longer only "his problem" I wish things could be peaceful and not all twisted like this. People don't like people. That is fine. It is all of these little wars that I hate.

I came home and confronted my roommate and put everything on the table. No reaction. He just lied down and played dead. I even brought him some nice imported beer, hoping we could drink together and forget the crap. For a second, I wished D was like the homeless man/lady: outspoken. I said everything and he just put up a wall. Silence is a safe fucking response.

Today was a good day...for the most part.

It almost made it above freezing in my bitter-ass cold hometown of Minnetonka. I stayed in all day and ate leftovers from Thanksgiving. Breakfast was cranberry sauce. Lunch, smoked turkey sandwiches with bacon.

I practiced tooting on my clarinet for a few hours with the hopes of one day impressing my girlfriend who is off with some friends from high school this weekend.

Without her around, I grew kind of cabin-ferverish around 6:00pm and went to the Mall of America with my parents to go do the American thing and shop the day after Thanksgiving to celebrate our high amount of disposable American income.

I bought a pair of expensive black shoes and threw the target brand I was wearing out at the mall. I went to J. Crew and almost got suckered into buying $16.50 underwear, but instead got taken on buying three sweaters for $150.00. All-in-all not a bad day...

...which for me is any day you don't have to worry about the car stalling in the middle of nowhere and dying from exposure to the cold.

Nov 25 ~07:30

Although I wrote this node on Nov 25, this is all about what happened to me on the day that was mostly the 24th (at least the sleep cycle that was mostly within that day). I wasn't able to write up any of this until now, so I'm a little behind schedule

I woke up at around 1pm, kind of reluctantly becuase I knew that today I was going to have to go and help put together a metal shed for my dad. I didn't mind doing it, but my dad is always much more motivated than me and always seems to want to start an hour or two before I really feel like it. Fortunately though, he decided that he didn't want to put it up today because it was quite windy.

So I didn't really have anything to do. My mom was at work, my dad was keeping himself busy with other things. Nothing interesting on TV. I made a turkey sandwich and surfed around for something interesting.

Then I noticed the Junkyard Wars marathon on TLC. I almost forgot! I definitely didn't want to miss this. That pretty much occupied the majority of my day. Well, it did until the local hockey game started. By then, they were mostly re-showing the episodes I had already seen anyway, so it was no big deal.

My mom came home from work, and we went out to pick up a christmas tree. I really didn't want to participate in the ritual of buying a tree that had to grow for several years just to be chopped down for a silly tradition, but I wound up picking the very tree they took home.

So after we unloaded the tree, everyone got together in the family room and we talked for a bit. My mom remarked on how my personality has changed a bit (for the better), and how I need to prepare some rules for my bigger little brother when he moves into my apartment next month.

That's going to be interesting. I'm not sure how that's going to sit with me until I've tried it for a day or two. My brother and I have opposite personalities. We always get along but I'm not sure if that's because we just tolerate each other or if we are actually interested in anything the other is doing. He's got an agressive personality, so maybe some of that will rub off on me, but hopefully not too much :)

I left at around midnight, which was way later than I thought the actual time was. On my way home, I stopped by my favorite strip club, partly because it was halfway down my 90 mile trip and I had to pee, but also because I thought I'd see what the place was like on a late friday night. I wasn't really too impressed. 85% of the dancers were blondes with obvious boob jobs, which I am all that much into. I find brunettes with real breasts to be much more attractive, so I didn't stick around too long.

I only hung around for about an hour and spent $30, 2/3 of which went to the club to get in and cover the one drink minimum. I was asked several times if I would like a dance, but I really didn't have a lot of cash with me, though I might have considered it for one cute brunette girl, but she was busy the whole time I was there.

I like going there much more during the late afternoon. Fewer blondes, less boob jobs, the ladies are nicer, and it doesn't cost anything to get in. Besides, that's when Kawana is there.

I'm still waiting a little while before I go to see her again. Maybe next Friday. By then any weirdness from asking her out should be passed. I've got some personal ads responses to reply to as well in the meantime. My chances of getting together with someone from a personal ad are probably better than with Kawana, so I should spend some time writing back to some of these. Actually, I'd be happy just to make some friends with some nice girls to get together and do stuff during weekends. I think writing with that in mind keeps things open and I will not sound as desperate or pathetic as I probably really am.

Nov 25 08:51

Sleep now.

BTW, the dates/times I put on my daylogs are the times I do the writeup updates, not the times any events occurred (those are specified in the paragraph text). For most days these two times should somewhat correspond, but since I'm behind, that's not the case for this writeup.

Saturday, the day after thanksgiving.

I wake up in the basement, 8:30 AM, it is cold. Steph's brother is scurrying about, getting his stuff out. I can't sleep anymore, fuck. Discarding the blanket, I climb the railing-less stairs to the main level where her mum and dad are watching TV. They don't notice me, I don't notice them and proceed to take a shower upstairs. Never been a big fan of taking showers at other people's houses, but you gotta deal - the water pressure is wimpy. Andreea sleeps a good bit longer, I take the time to talk to Steph's dad about The battle of the bulge and check my XP and messages. Steph's mom does programming on mid-level machines, we romanticize about the good old days of washing-machine hard drives and punch cards over coffee. I like this family.
Eventually Steph comes home from riding and we debate what to do for the day; the girls want to go shopping while I want to pass through the city, maybe walk by the riverside. The girls win, after all they have the majority and argue that it's too cold to walk. Maybe it is. Andreea freezes easily, and I don't want to see her shiver or anything. She's such an innocent lady. Steph ditches her car by the Hotel and we start our trek to find reduced-priced clothing. Along the way I pick up three cds, mu-ziq - Royal Astronomy, Roni Size * Reprazent - In the mode and William Orbit - Pieces in a modern style.

Passing through the fashion stores I see her in all these clothes, these clothes I will never see her in, at least for now. I must be strong, beautiful and of grace she stands before me... We pass down Newbury, pick up some sushi and look around the stores. She kisses me, just a peck on the lips but still... how I missed it. In the hotel room we watch the end of Something about Mary and talk. It is resolved. Eventually, I fall asleep.

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