Today, is a day like any other. One big difference. I get two eat ham and turkey all day long. Today, I am thankful to be alive. I am most thankful for my loveley girlfriend Chris. She makes every day worth living. I wish I could go back in time to the first Thanksgiving and bring some of the wonderful food Chris is making today. The pilgrams would be fucking stuffed.

I love Thanksgiving! There is snow everywhere. The weather guy said that today was probably the coldest Thanksgiving in almost 25 years!

A Dream of Thanksgiving

Over the last couple of days I've had a series of very vivid, very colorful and very real dreams. They moved quickly, taking me from one scene to another and they were amongst the happiest dreams I have ever had.

I have thought a lot in recent days about the holidays and how distance has grown between myself and my biological family. Although I am now closer to them geographically than I was while in Florida, the desire to join them for the holidays has not been very strong. I was not quite sure why, but the dreams seemed to fill in the blanks. My family has become extended, beyond the simple biological kin we normally rally around, and includes many people who are more than simple friends in passing. They have become my family, my blood and my religion.

I sometimes think about our definition of family and wonder if it limits us too much, holding us within a limited definition that requires us to honor certain individuals above others because we share bloodlines. While not meaning to belittle these links, I wonder if they do not often cause more sorrow than they bring happiness.

We are often led to be more forgiving when it comes to family than to anyone else, and this forgiveness may involve the forgiveness of greater crimes and sins than those we do not forgive from someone who is not a blood relation. A father who molested his children may be more easily forgiven than a homeless man who stole your wallet, simply because he is family. One of my earliest lessons in forgiveness involved the siblings of my childhood best friend, who killed himself in 1995, forgiving their father, whose sexual abuse of them as children led to Bobby's suicide many years later.

Bobby was amongst those who came to the table in my dreams. It was a table that was beautifully decorated and covered with food and drink. Along with him came others who had passed on from this life, from Dave Malhoit who dared me to believe in myself and follow the signs that led me to leave New England and go to Florida, to Christina, who died so young, but always knowing and understanding her place in the journey of this life.

Others were there, people I had not seen in some time, but whose smiles and embraces brought with them powerful reminders of how important they were to me in the journey of my life. Some of them paused to tell me that they loved me and were unable to find the words to express how grateful they were to be with me on this day. I woke up feeling warm and very happy.

Many years ago, when I decided to end my life, I saw a river. I was alone on a tiny raft on this river and was unable to help those who were on the shore, about to be consumed by flames. I've since devoted my life to building a bigger boat.

I started a fire in the fireplace this morning. Whenever I see a fire, I always stare into it, almost hypnotized. It reminds me of things I cannot express, of pain I have been unable to relieve in the lives of others. I reached into the fire today to place another log and looked down to see a blue flame wrapping around my wrist. I felt no pain. It did not burn. It did not mark me.

The flame in the jungle was blue. I'm getting closer to understanding who I really am.

As far as I'm concerned, a job means JUST OVER BROKE.

So why is it that I want to get another job?

Boredom? Yes. New challenges? Yes. Higher pay? Yes.

But all it means is to have someone else tell you what you're worth, what you can and cannot do, when you wake up and when you sleep and when you can eat.

Prison has more freedom than this!

So I just had a telephone interview about a position I was trained in - and education I paid more than $50,000 for with a result of getting a degree. Apparently, if you stumble a little bit, you get crucified for it. Not only that, your skills 3 to 4 years down the road seem absolutely obsolete.

I could get more bitter about it, but I don't have time for that.

What I realized after going through the interview, is that I am no longer built for doing what I was trained to do in University. My guess is that my character is starting to surpass my skills and abilities.

Perhaps I need to build myself inside-out before I really know what to do with myself.

I'm probably more suited to a C-Level opportunity - but to which I have no credibility to enter.

So how do i go about earning this right? Earning this type of credibility takes years. Am I willing to sacrifice for this?

Not now. But it looks like I will need to. I've sacrificed much up to this point. Perhaps there's another level I have no knowledge about.

Perhaps what some people are telling me, is all false only because I don't believe them.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I need to find some concrete answers.

First off, I need to find a purpose in the 95% world. Something that I can fit into and something that fits me.

Second, I need to continue with my website design business for a second stream of income. That is the sole purpose for that - as well as helping those who need and Internet presence at an inexpensive price.

Third, I need to grow myself in Interbiz. I need to help other people find a dream worth fighting for. It might be easier to help others find it than to find my own. Usually with anyone, that is the case.

But wait. I know what my dream is. But while that may seem far away, I need to help others reach theirs.

But this is only for the willing. Searching for them takes effort. It takes sacrifice. And the business plan is so simple. So simple it can be said in a few words:

1. You buy from a website that eventually pays you back more than what you spend when you organize your community to buy from that same website.

You get tax write-offs as a business, you get association with great, hope-filled people, you get wealth as you define it and not determined by someone else.

You get your life back.

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