I want everything to
fall into place. I want for the closing of my lids to mean more than
the end of a day. If there wasn't this little undercurrent of
negativity I could be much happier and I'd probably drift off to sleep very
content. I didn't even talk to him today, my
dad, that is, yesterday we just fought.. this seems odd to me. We live in the same house but I remember exchanging
not even a single word. This is nearly the same as far as my mother is concerned, though she did tell me not to use a lot of dishes
tonight, and we had a conversation about
stamp purchasing earlier. Distance... a lot of distance in the family,
not unusual I guess, but unwelcome in some ways.
It's so
cold in here tonight, partly because the window is open, well, mostly for that reason. I don't really have the ambition or energy level to get up and close it so instead I'll
pour my little heart into text as I usually do, until I can't write anymore, until my brain tells me that the time to be awake is over..
I'm listening to
Celine Dion, which I normally wouldn't do since I'm not much of a fan.. but I've some sweet memories from a few of her songs that tend to make me a little bit more stable,
thought-wise. The "
Power of Love", her version, I recall a wedding and what I'll always view as the epitome of
true love.. that first dance, it seems so
profound, whether marriage in itself holds much significance.. that dance always sticks in my mind. I'm not sure exactly why, but it seems like something that might be
amazing to experience.
My eyes are
so terribly tired, but it matters not really my brain still has much awareness left in it. I sometimes wonder at the oddness that is
the level of conciousness that I can maintain even when my body refuses to let me stay up, awake, if you will. If only I could be so alert physically as my mind seems to be right up until the last ounce of energy seeps from me and I collapse in
bodily exhaustion. It's rarely a mental tiredness.. I wonder why that is..
I'd like to take a moment to say, "Gooo toasty!", to
ToasterLeavings, and wish him the best of transcontinental thought'y goodness in his quest to rid himself of that most awful of habits,
smoking. It will be an uphill climb, my dear little friend, and you'll be
kicking and screaming (most likely at any human that crosses your path of
nicotine withdrawl induced rage) the whole way, but you can do it, I've faith in you leetle one. Look to Froggy for
inspiration..
I'll be off for a bit just now, to contemplate if I should wander into
dreamland, or if I can fight unconciousness for just a bit longer..
I just want to fix all the broken little humans.