Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary
Acknowledgements to Bruce Tonkin, T.N.T. Software Inc., 34069 Haines-
ville Road, Round Lake, IL, 60073 (312)-223-8595, for his article in Dec
'87 COMPUTERPEOPLE Monthly, from which this is copied. This file may be
freely
distributed, but not for
profit, etc.
Advanced: (adj.) doesn't work yet, but it's pretty
close. See:
bug,
glitch.
Analyst: (n.) one who writes
programs and doesn't trust them. A
cynic.
Assembler: (n.) a minor program of interest only to obsessed
programmers.
BASIC: (n.) a computer one-word
oxymoron.
BBS: (n.) a system for connecting computers and exchanging
gossip,
facts, and
uniformed speculation under false names.
Benchmark: (n.) a
test written ostensibly to compare
hardware or
software, but actually used by
manufacturers to
misinterpret or quote out of context in
advertisements.
Binary: (n.) a two-valued
logic especially
susceptible to glitches and bugs. It originated as a way of counting on the thumbs, since programming managers usually find fingers far too
confusing. See:
Hexadecimal,
Octal.
Bug: (n.) any program feature not yet described to the
marketing department.
Bus: (n.) a connector you plug
money into, something like a
slot machine.
Byte: (n.) eight bits, or one
dollar (in 1950 terms). Presently worth about two-tenths of a
cent and
falling fast.
C: (n.) the
language following A and B. The world still awaits D and E. By
Z, it may be
acceptable for general use.
Chip: (n.) a stylized picture of a logic
diagram on refined and alloyed
sand. See: glitch, bug.
COBOL: (n.) an
old computer language, designed to be
read and not
run.
Unfortunately, it is often run anyway.
Code: (n.) a means of concealing bugs
favoured by programmers. (v.) the process of
concealing bugs by programming.
Cookie: (n.) any
recondite message displayed by a
time-shared system. the message is not often seen, because it only appears when the system is operating properly. Common
cookies include the timeless "
Murphy was an
optimist" and "
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."
Copy Protection: (n.) a means of
circumventing various rights granted by the
Constitution so as to
artificially inflate profits.
CPU: (n.) acronym for
Central Purging Unit. A
device which discards or distorts data sent to it, sometimes returning more
data and sometimes merely over-heating.
Crash: (v.) to
terminate a program in the usual
fashion, i.e. by locking up the computer of setting a
fire at the
printer. (n.) the process of such termination.
Data: (n.) raw information, esp. that supplied to the central purging unit for
transformation and
disposal.
Database Manager: (n.) any fast filing
system which gives misleading answers. Also see: menu, bug.
Diagnostic: (n.) a test
foolishly but often believed to
determine the reason for a particular failure.
Competent professionals prefer the I
Ching or
phrenology.
Digital: (adj.) of or pertaining to the
fingers, esp. to counting on them. See: Binary,
Hexadecimal,
Octal.
Documentation: (n.) a novel sold with
software, designed to
entertain the
operator during episodes of bugs or glitches.
DOS: (n.) Acronym. a program which outputs
questions given answers, putting users in
jeopardy.
Emulate: (v.) to simulate
hardware glitches with software bugs. Emulator: (n.) a program which emulates. See: Virtual.
Engineer: (v.) to build something with bugs (software) or
glitches (hard- ware). (n.) One who
engineers.
Format: (v.) to
erase irrevocably and
unintentionally. (n.) The process of such
erasure.
Forth: (n.) a stack-oriented programming language written
right to left and read from
bottom to
top. It runs
efficiently on no
common computers and is written effectively by no common programmers.
FORTRAN: (n.) an ancient programming language which changed
IF's to
GOTO's by using a strange three-valued logic on binary computers.
Glitch: (n.) an undocumented
design feature, esp. of
hardware.
GOTO: (n.) an efficient and
general way of controlling a program, much despised by
academics and others whose brains have been ruined by over-
exposure to
Pascal. See: Pascal.
Hard Disk: (n.) a rapidly spinning
platter divided into
sectors. See: Sector, Glitch, Bug.
Hardware: (n.) anything
prone to
physical failure.
Head: (n.) the part of a disk drive which
detects
sectors and decides which of the two possible values to return: 'lose a turn' or 'bankrupt.'
Hexadecimal: (adj.) of or referring to base-16 numbers - binary
numbers grouped four
digits at a time so as to
quadruple the opportunity for glitches and bugs.
Originated as a means of counting on the fingers of one
hand, using the thumb for the 'carry.'
Purists who don't like to use the thumb at all prefer 'octal.' See: Octal, Binary.
Icon: (n.) a
complex,
blurry, and easily-misinterpreted pictorial representation of a single unambiguous word. Preferred by illiterates and semi-
literates for these reasons, and by others because it slows most computers down so even a cretin with an
IQ of 53 may justly feel superior.
Increment: (v.) to increase by one, except when
segments are used; then, the increase may be by sixteen unless word
mode addressing is used in which case the increase is by one or two, depending on the processor and whether the address is on an even boundary or such increase causes an
overflow exception processor fault, which may either cause the program to
crash or
decrease by a large number instead of increase, depending the
register used and the operation being attempted.
Iterate: (v.) to repeat an action for a
potentially and often actually
infinite number of times.
Joystick: (n.) a device essential for performing business tasks and training exercises esp. favoured by
pilots,
tank commanders, riverboat
gamblers, and
medieval warlords.
K: (n., adj.) a binary
thousand, which isn't a decimal
thousand or even really a binary thousand (which is eight), but is the binary number closest to a decimal thousand. This has proven so completely confusing that is has become a
standard.
Kernal: (n.) a misspelling of
'kernel' used by beginning (functionally illiterate) programmers, especially those with some knowledge of C.
Kernel: (n.) the core of a
program, i.e. the source of all
errors. Thus the common
misspelling,
'kernal.'
Keyboard: (n.) a device used by programmers to write software for a mouse or joystick and by operators for playing games such as
'word processing.'
Kludge: (v., adj., or n.) to
fix a program in the usual way.
Leading Edge: (n., adj.) anything which uses advanced
technology. See:
Advanced.
License: (n.) a
covenant which tells the
buyer that nothing has been
purchased and that no
refund,
support,
advice, or
instruction may be anticipated and that no resale is permitted. A modern way of saying "Thanks for all your money and goodbye," far less
crude than "
Stick 'em up" but even more effective since the purchaser will often borrow the funds requested.
Logic: (n.) a system of determining truth or
falsity,
implication or
exclusion, by means of a sort of binary
Oneiromancy.
Loop: (n., v.) 1. a series of instructions to be iterated. 2. the process of iterating them. Most loops are
unintentional and can be quite
droll.
Macro: (n.) a series of
keystrokes used to simulate a missing but essential command.
Megabyte: (n.) more than you can
comprehend and less than you'll need. See:
UNIX.
Megahertz: (n.) a way of measuring how well your computer matches the
frequency of your local
television channels. Most computers
perform exceptionally well on this test, especially the higher-quality foreign-made ones.
Menu: (n.) any list of choices, each of which is either
unsatisfactory or in some fashion
contradictory.
Micro-: (prefix) anything both very small and very
expensive.
Mode: (n.) a way of forcing glitch or bug.
Modem: (n., v.) a device used to
connect computers (see: BBS) or the process of transmitting data between or among computers, esp. for those unable or unwilling to speak.
Monitor: (n.) a sort of television with exceptionally poor picture quality and limited to a single very local station.
Motherboard: (n.) the hardware version of the software 'kernel.'
Mouse: (n.) an input device used by management to force
computer users to keep at least a part of their desks
clean.
Nano-: (prefix) a thousandth of a thousandth, but not a binary
thousandth in either case. Decimal is used for all very small measurements since no further confusion is
necessary.
Octal: (n.) a base-8 counting system designed so that one hand may
count upon the fingers of the other.
Thumbs are not used, and the index finger is reserved for the
'carry.'
Offset: (n.) a method which permits access to any
memory location in thousands of ways, each of which appears different but is not. Used with segments. See: Segment.
Operator: (n.) 1. One who has no
experience with computers. 2. Any
beginner, esp. one part of whose
salary is paid in
soft drinks and processed
salted food treated with dangerous and
illegal drugs or
preservatives. Differs from a programmer in that a programmer will often take the dangerous and illegal drugs or preservatives directly.
Pascal: (n.) a
classroom project which was released before it could be
graded - probably a good idea, considering. One wishes the University had had a better system of academic controls.
Patch: (v.) to fix a program by
changing bytes according to the rules of
logic. (n.) Any repair of this form.
Pirate: (v., n.) to
steal software, or one who is such a
thief. True pirates see nothing wrong with
thievery, having successfully forgotten or repressed all moral values.
Pop: (v.) to remove from an area of memory naively thought to be the
stack in a futile attempt to keep a
program running.
Portable: (adj.) that which can be
physically moved more than a hundred yards by an unaided
Olympic athlete without permanent damage to that individual more than
50% of the time.
Printer: (n.) a small
box attached to a computer and used to start fires in
cold weather.
Procedure: (n.) a method of performing a program sub-task in an inefficient way by
extensively using the stack instead of a GOTO. See: Pascal and C.
Processor: (n.) a device for converting sense to nonsense at the
speed of
electricity, or (rarely) the reverse.
Program: (n.) that which
manipulates symbols rapidly with unforeseen results. Also: a bug's way of
perpetuating bugs.
Programmer: (n.) 1. one who writes programs and
trusts them. An optimist. 2. Any
employee who needs neither food nor sleep but exits on large quantities of caffeine, nicotine, sucrose, and machine-vended preservatives thinly
disguised as
foodstuffs.
Programming Language: (n.) a shorthand way of describing a
series of bugs to a computer or a programmer.
Prompt: (n.) a computer request for a
random operator error. Also a
game where the computer plays the part of
Vanna White and the operator, a
contestant. There are no prizes for winning.
Push: (v.) to put into an area of memory believed to be the stack for the ostensible purpose of later retrieval. Tonkin's rule: In any program there are always more '
pushes' than 'pops.' See:
Recursion.
Quantum leap: (adj.)
literally, to move by the smallest
amount theoretically possible. In advertising, to move by the largest leap imaginable (in the mind of the advertiser). There is no contradiction.
Recursion: (n.) a programming
method which tests the limits of available memory in an iterative way by using the stack. When the program fails, all memory has been used.
Memorize this definition, then see: Recursion.
Register: (n.) a part of the central purging unit used to
distort or
destroy incoming data by arbitrary rules. See: Increment.
Relational: (adj.) purchased from, or sold to, blood kin. See: True relational.
Sector: (n.) a disk arc on which is inscribed
'lose a turn' or
'bankrupt.' See: Hard disk, Head, Glitch.
Segment: (n.) a way of restricting or complicating access to memory in an attempt to break a programmer's will to live.
Outlawed by both the
A.S.P.C.A and the
U.N. but still practiced in some backward areas of the world. See: Offset.
Software: (n.) anything other than hardware. That which hardware manufacturers can blame can blame for physical failures.
Sort: (v.) to
order a list of data in such a way as to destroy all
relationships between the items. (n.) The process which accomplishes this, esp. if it takes a
very long time.
Source Code: (n.) a record of a programmer's thought for a
period of time. A stream-of-consciousness
novel or
short story.
Spreadsheet: (n.) a way of forcing repeatable answers from insufficient data for superficial purposes. Also, a game played
during office hours by
bored or restless
yuppies.
Stack: (n.) any area of
memory which grows and eventually destroys both
code and
data. (v.) To place in such an area.
Standard: (n., adj.) a design
target which manufacturers may
embellish, improve upon, or
ignore as they wish, so long as it can be used profitably in their advertising.
Transportable: (adj.) said of
software - that which can be put on a new machine in less time than it took to write in the first place. Said of hardware - that which can theoretically be moved more than ten feet in one minute by some
combination of
machinery or explosives. The meanings are equivalent.
Truly
relational: (adj.)
relational, but where the paternity is
indubitable.
TSR: (n.) acronym for
Terminate and
Stay Resident. A way of turning a useless computer with plenty of memory into a computer with no memory at all.
Turbo-: (prefix) computer software
which uses air under
pressure (supplied by a special fan) to achieve
high performance.
User-friendly: (adj.) trivialized, slow,
incapable, and boring. See:
Icon,
Mouse.
UNIX: (n., v.) a
DOS which needs more
memory than you have and run more
slowly than you can bear. To UNIX: to grossly enlarge and slow down out of all proportion, esp. by using C.
User: (n.) one who knows from experience that
programs cannot be trusted. A
realist.
Vendor: (n.) a manufacturer's
lackey.
Virtual: (adj.) emulated. See:
Emulate.
Warranty: (n.) a list of vendor's promises with
carefully-worded exceptions which cancel each of the promises in turn. See: License.
Windowing: (n., adj.) a way of making a large and easily-read display into many
small, cluttered, and confusing ones.
Word Processor: (n.) A program which makes a $5,000 computer into a $250
typewriter. A computer game for beginning operators.
WORM: (n.) acronym for
Write Once, Read
Mangled. Used to describe a normally
functioning computer disk of the very latest design.
XYZZY: (n.) a common user prompt.
Yarrow: (n.) kind of stalks
used by computer
diagnosticians when performing the ritual of the I Ching. See: Diagnostics.
Zaxxon: (n.) a
sophisticated simulation and design
program used by the brightest programmers to test the consistency of internal logic and memory.
Management prefers to use games such as 'spreadsheet' for the same
purpose.