May 17, 2001

Today was so fun. I got to go way back and slap together a few PCs. We found out Monday that we needed six machines of specific configurations by today. So I ordered parts Monday and picked up yesterday. Today I got to spend the whole day building a half dozen machines, including a 1.2GHz RAID enabled Linux runnin' beast of a server. To have a day where I can build and tinker, it's such a relief from the stress of project management and "doing shit for the client".

Playing with hardware is what got me into this business. This faux-suit gig is not cool... gotta get back to my hardware, my bidness.

Yes it's true. I only daylog when I have something to say about girls.

BEWARE: Large mass of rambling prose ahead.
Press <spacebar> to continue...

I have a lot, non-girl related, on my plate too though. My CS project, referred to in some previous daylogs, is due on Friday. I will be getting extremely minimal sleep between now and then, probably to the point of hallucination, since I've already been up 24 hours now. Worse, it won't be that great, because it's rushed and because my code could be about 100x better and 100x more polished than it is now.

But I'll cut to the quick. This girl knows about this site, and may even read this at some point, but that doesn't really matter. She'll possibly complain at me - but then I'm fairly anonymous and she's very anonymous, so she has no right to really :)

Part of the reason for being as behind on my project as I am is her. I met her out clubbing a few weeks ago and we chatted there and became friends - at least of the sort you only see when you're out. One time, I asked for her number and we arranged to go out for a drink - this was last Thursday. It went very well - much better than either of us expected considering we were effectively strangers. I knew she had a boyfriend and so this was only ever something we did as friends.

Thing is, we proceeded to spend most of the next 4 days (up until yesterdayish) together, or on the phone, or texting each other. I saw her for what must've been three 10 hour stints, including one time she came over to mine at 1:30 am and we stayed up, talking, until 11:00 am when she had to leave.

There was clearly sexual tension between us, and sometime during the four days I commented that it was a shame she had a boyfriend. She backed off slightly and said she really didn't full on fancy me, and that she did love her boyfriend although she admitted there was the aforementioned tension and that we did get on extremely well. I didn't expect anything else - after all, I knew she loved her boyfriend and was moving in with him (and others) in a few weeks. I only mentioned it because I wondered if my feelings were reciprocated. I'm glad I did too, because otherwise I'd always be wondering... The point is, if they're not, why do we spend such an insane amount of time together?? (and not in any way all at my arrangement).

Since then we have talked a lot and she has basically admitted that there is something between us, and she has even had to withold information from her boyfriend about the amount of time we have spent together - even though nothing at all has happened. Last night, whilst slightly drunk on the phone, she admitted she kinda missed me (we haven't seen each other for 2 days(!)), but didn't understand why. I don't know how honest she's been with me, considering she is saying slighty different things when drunk - so I shall just have to sit back and see what happens. At the moment, just being friends is enough so I'll see what happens after my exams. Considering she has a long-term boyfriend I'm not sure what can happen, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Lastly, as fondue noted yesterday, we think it's a good idea to soon have another...

London Noder Gathering
Monkeys may be optional... but Jaffa Cakes are most definately not.
/msg me or fondue if you're interested and we'll set up a node for it soon.

---

btw: If you think you know what's going on in her head (e.g. you are a girl), answers on a postcard please :)

A single tear burns as it falls down one cheek. I wipe it away and stare at it as it sits quietly on the back of my hand. It stares back at me, reflecting back all my sorrow, all my sadness, all my despair.

A single tear is all I will shed. I must claim responsibility for my own failures and my own foul-ups. Tears can do nothing to reverse time. Time is like an arrow, traveling only one way and never reversing. I can never undo what I have already done. Regret, like tears, also does me no good.

Today, I realized that my dreams for the future would become only unattainable dreams. By my own folly, my own foolishness in sating only my immediate wants and needs rather than planning far into the future, I have single handedly destroyed my future. Not only that, I will be forced to be a parasite on my aging parents longer than expected as well. What did they do to deserve that? For all their hardships and trials, they have raised an irresponsible, impatient little brat who is going no where in life. Their hopes and dreams for me too, are going to dissipate into nothingness.

Today, I am nothing but a big disappointment. Allow me to wallow in my self-pity for a few more hours. Then shall I try to rise up again and set right what I can still salvage.

I can't believe that its May and still ridiculously cold here in Boston. However, everyone promises me that it will soon be hot. We'll see.

One of the members of our team worked up the courage to talk to my emotionally disfunctional boss. And he confessed to this co-worker that he felt worthless here at this company. So...why stay (this is my question) now? I think it must be either because he a) thinks things will get better or b) is staying for the money. Hmmmm.

Here's the News as of 11am Central European Time!

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International Hearld Tribune (www.iht.com)

Euro Zone, And ECB, Are Stalked by Inflation

Inflation in the euro zone increased in April to its highest level since November, figures showed Wednesday, intensifying the pressure on the European Central Bank six days after it cut interest rates while citing an outlook for lower inflation.

For Berlusconi, Chance to Leave Rightist Ally Out of Government

Silvio Berlusconi, Italy's presumptive prime minister, met with the Italian president Wednesday on his way to forming a government that analysts said would not necessarily have to include his controversial rightist ally, the Northern League.

Palestinians' Deaths Were Mistake, Israel Says

An Israeli official on Wednesday called the army's killing of five Palestinian police officers earlier this week a case of mistaken identity, and Foreign Minister Shimon Peres said he regretted the deaths.

U.S. Muzzles Its Own Expert on China's Nuclear Labs

A retired American nuclear weapons scientist and intelligence analyst who made extensive, authorized trips to secret Chinese nuclear arms facilities in the 1990s is locked in a dispute with the U.S. government over whether he can publish a 500-page memoir detailing his and other little-known contacts between U.S. and Chinese nuclear scientists during the period.

Facing the Taboo of Polygamy

For a half-century, prosecutors in this state rich with a religious tradition of polygamy have tried to look the other way when it came to enforcing laws against multiple marriages. But the authorities said they could no longer ignore Tom Green.

It's Still 'No' on Shield, China Says After Talks With U.S. Envoy

China and the United States remain at odds over a proposed U.S. missile defense shield, but initial talks on the issue were constructive, a U.S. envoy said Wednesday.

Spotlight (Finally) Fades on Marcos Wealth

She is best known as the woman who loved to flaunt it, but after decades in the spotlight, Imelda Marcos has finally been eclipsed - and perhaps she is happy about that.

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New York Times (www.nytimes.com)

Bush Calls Energy Shortage Most Serious Since 1970s

President Bush's energy plan proposes loosening regulations on oil and gas exploration, continuing conservation-minded efforts and reconsidering a ban on the reprocessing of nuclear fuel.

U.S.-British Plan Seeks to Restore Trade With Iraq

Britain, backed by the United States, will propose next week that the United Nations lift the 11-year ban on international trade with Iraq.

Pentagon Review Puts Emphasis on Long-Range Arms in Pacific

A confidential Pentagon strategy review casts the Pacific as the most likely region for a military conflict and calls for new long-range arms to counter China's military power.

Las Vegas Casinos Shift Stand, Backing Internet Wagering

In a sharp reversal, several of Las Vegas's most powerful casinos no longer want to ban Internet gambling, and some are exploring technology for gambling in cyberspace.

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BBC (http://news.bbc.co.uk/)

Prescott defends scuffle

Labour's election campaign is overshadowed by the UK deputy prime minister's involvement in a fight.

Allies plan to ease Iraq sanctions

Britain and the US are seeking to lift UN trade sanctions against Iraq, leaving only military goods subject to controls.

Railtrack appoints new chairman

Railtrack appoints "straight-talking engineer" John Robinson, head of RJB mining, as its new chairman after a six-month search.

Rebels face Macedonia deadline

Ethnic Albanian rebels must lay down their arms within the next few hours or risk military action which could tip Macedonia into civil war.

Obesity link to cancer

One in 10 cancers affecting non-smokers is caused by the sufferer being overweight, say researchers.

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Panapress (http://www.panapress.com/english/)

Ethiopia welcomes lifting of UN arms embargo

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia Authorities in Addis Ababa have welcomed the decision of the UN Security Council "not to extend" the arms embargo it imposed on Ethiopia and Eritrea one year ago during their border conflict that ended with the signing of a comprehensive OAU-brokered peace agreement last December.

Bush slates trade meeting with Africa for October

New York, US - President George W. Bush Wednesday made a major tatement on Africa announcing that a trade and economic forum between African and US officials would take place in Washington 4-5 October.

Rights Group wants France to investigate alleged war crimes

Dakar, Senegal - The French government should launch an official investigation into allegations of war crimes and crimes against humanity by French forces in Algeria, Human Rights Watch urged Wednesday.

Cape Verde launches diplomatic offensive,

Praia, Cape Verde - Cape Verde plans to strengthen its diplomatic contacts with its main development partners with a view to ensuring continuity of official aid to the archipelago, Cape Verdian foreign, co-operation and communities minister Manuel Inocencio Sousa has said.

Police re-arrest fugitive murder suspect

Oshakati, Namibia- Namibia police say they have re-arrested a run-away murder suspect who allegedly macheted his girlfriend to death.

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China Daily (www.chinadaily.com.cn)

It's down... check back latter!!!

Another thrilling day at work. Today is impersonate machines that would improve your life if they worked day. Just this morning I’ve facilitated the double-sided copying feature of our xerox machine, and provided directory support for our fax machine during a broadcast message. Later on I hope to handcopy a letter from the computer screen, and then shout loudly across the street.

yesterday today tomorrow

Dammit, Beavis!

I just got an email from Kate to let me know about a club's launch night - with promos such as pints of Stella Artois for 50p, vodka and mix for 50p, Aftershock for £1.25, JD and coke for £1.25, and two quid for anything else. And just a pound to get in for students.

It would even be free for me to get in because it's an SRC event.

The catch? I have an exam the next morning.

Grr.

Anyway, I stopped by the SubCity office yesterday afternoon, and bumped into Lisa, our new station manager. Since there had been no other interest in the post, she made me Internet Production Manager for the next year. She was also trying to choose some other people for the team, and was having trouble trying not to be subjective and picking all her friends.

I've also started a minor overhaul on the SubCity site - well, fairly major if you look at the work I'm going to have to do with very little visual change. The frames are to go, and CSS will be in. Once again, a foolish plan seeing as I have exams coming up soon, and haven't done much studying yet.

Why do I get the feeling that today will be an uneventful day?

For a laugh, check out http://www.amielectableornot.com/index.cfm?murlid=647

not really of interest to anyone: i spoke to the chica last night, but she had to go because a friend turned up - so she'll call me back tonight. And I spoke to the ex for the first time in ages, and Gemma was sending drunken text messages again. And I dreamed about Lisa

23.50 bst

After discovering that we didn't have a copy of it in the house, and having a sudden desire to read it, I ordered Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy from bol.com - and so far resisted the temptation to shell out £30 on the Radio 4 version on CD.

I walked into my office and my eagle feathers were laying on my keyboard. Thats when I could no longer pretend it wasn't happening. Jamie..Bird...my best friend I've ever had, my soul sister, the one person I've ever been able to cry on..has moved. She's the woman who showed me that it's ok to be Indian if I'm not a full blood. She's the person who taught me to mix the spiritual and physical worlds, and live that mixture in everyday life. She's the neice of Dino Butler, and by introducing me to him and allowing me to get to know him, she helped me learn that heros are ordinary people. She's beautiful, and warm, and all fucked up. My heart is heavy. I want to go home and hide. I want to go to the beach and smudge and listen to the Creator. I want to get in my car and drive to Lincoln City. I'm so glad Jamie is. The gift of an Eagle feather is unlike any gift I've ever recieved. Ho...Mitakuye Oyasin. All my relations.

Gods. This is the part I hate about long distance relationships. She's finishing up getting things together so she can go to Germany for the summer, she just finished school, she's leaving her friends in New Mexico, and she's riding an emotional rollercoaster. I wish more then anything that I could be there with her. And now, she met some guy. It hurts. I'd be a liar if I said it didn't. The hard part isn't understanding, it's acceptance. I know that we're a thousand miles apart, soon to be several thousand miles apart, but I wish more than anything that I could be near her. The distance has never seemed so great. I miss her.

I love you, baby!

2 home pregnancy tests say positive. The instructions said if any blue showed up at all then it was very likely she was pregnant. It showed blue like the US Flag. She missed her period. She's been queasy sick for the past 2 weeks. Now the doctor says they don't want her to come in until she is about 8 weeks along to do a pregnancy test. I figure she has to be about 5-6 weeks right now. Oh the torture. I am 99.9999% sure, but why do I feel the need to have the doctor tell me what I already know?

It's been a long time since I felt the way I'm feeling right now. It must be lack of sleep and the mind-numbing effect of typing page after page of absolute crap. Wears me out. I did not manage to finish before the deadline. Emailed my teacher that I couldn't come to class to hand it in, but that I sent him a hardcopy of the paper by snailmail, so he'd have it on his desk tomorrow afternoon. Dug me my own hole. It bought me two extra hours, but that wasn't enough. He won't get it tomorrow and I feel like a failure. I know I should be working like hell, but I just can't. I'm staring past my screen at the clouds. I have the feeling there is something stuck inside, something in my brain that doesn't belong there.

I was depressed back then. It's almost a nice feeling, some kind of home-coming. Like wearing your old familiar jacket instead of your new one. And you know it's full of holes and won't shelter you from the rain a bit, that instead it will just suck up all the water and get you even more soaked than you'd be otherwise.

Tomorrow is the last day of the semester. Tomorrow is when the party is. Not for me though, I'll be working and celebrating my extensions.

It's just mean. And why does it feel so good to hate everything, yourself above all? Where does that masochistic tendency come from? I know myself, though, this won't last. All I need is a good night sleep and 45 minutes on my racing bike. It's not much, but it's my way of staying happy. Makes me wonder how fucked up life can be, if I can't even have that.

Couldn't sleep last night. Kept waking up and staring at the painting hanging on my wall.

I'll never be sappy again. But I can at least admit my bewilderment.

Scene One: This morning, walking into work a few minutes early. I had hopped out of bed with a purpose, so why not just show up when I was actually supposed to? Other than the fact that Michael had everything set up and ready to go, I walked through the kitchen, and there's Grrmly.
"Hey, Kir! How's it going?"
So now he's friendly."Pretty good, sweetie, and you? Are you doing better?"
"Oh yeah, much better. When do you wanna take those shots?"
"Whenever. When you have time." I said brusquely, determined to not moon over him anymore.
I got better places to waste my time, I guess. He follows me into the office. I tie my straight black hair up and I hear a soft "Nice...", and I turn to find him standing against the doorway, watching me. Great. Love Spell worked, I think. Does this thing affect only people with olive oil flowing through their veins? Definetely desire there that I hadn't seen since last week. Oh, Pull-leeze. I'm such a grump in the morning too. But I do have other things on my mind.

Scene two: Yesterday. Spent most of the day showing Lilly a few of the nooks and crannies she hadn't seen yet. Hermit crab! Had fun chatting and looking at eye-candy. Told you I was a lecher. Get yet another fuckin' parking ticket on the 1200 block of Calvert St., and head home after trying to play like I was just dumb and foreign. Hey! Made me feel better. But hey babe, you need a pal, give me a ring!

Go home to wait for Lord Bear to call. Xandos as is our usual. Laid my cards out on the table, literally. You asked, I told you. And you began to think I was predictable when???

Came home after nearly running Grrmly down accidentally. No, he doesn't know what I drive........thank the Goddess. That reminds me....I know I shouldn't do this....but when has THAT ever stopped me? Dial tone...tap, tap, tap......"What the hell are you doing to yourself? What are you doing to everyone else?". I came up with five things to match yours, but my number four goes something like 'I'm not a little girl anymore.' My ideas are scrawled on a ripped envelope, but something occured to me....I've written these so many times in my head, in my soul, in books, on this nutsy compendium......and I'm still asking for the same things. The only thing that has changed is that I'm not as emotional anymore.'I'm part of a shell. No yolk, just a little clear fluid and chipped peices of that shell.' That, and they are no longer requests.

Molasses sticking to the bottom of my feet at Jimmy's in Fells reminded me of this. Just when I get momentum....YANK!

Can I throw it in reverse still? As usual, only time will tell.

I talked to her for a while tonight. Tomorrow is our first date! I'm so excited! I feel so many things, like I'm on the brink of a new adventure, I'm making a new friend, I may have a new lover in a few weeks (HIV tests first, already talked about that) - and - I may kiss my first woman tomorrow night.

The excitement is killing me. Last night it took forever to fall asleep. I kept waking up all night, and immediately thinking of her. I am in a feverish pitch, wanting her so badly I can't believe it. Two days ago, she asked me,"Is the attraction for women just intellectual, Jamie?" It's a legitimate question; it's apparently just physical, my dear. She also asked me, "Don't you want to get to know me, first?"

A good question. I think the answer is yes. But to be honest - my body wants to rip her clothes off and throw her to the bed.

But she does intrigue me, and I do want to know her better - she's very intense. She's already given me permission to use her as a model to create the erotic art I have been wanting to do for years, but have never given myself permission to do. Yes, jumping the gun quite a bit, she's a lesbian, what do I expect? And I love it anyway. I'm so excited.

May 17, 2001, Norway's national day.

The Crownprince's fiance Mette-Marit Tjessem Høiby made her first official appearance on the palace balcony with the the Royal family. The rest of the parade was the usual stuff -- school children marching, bands playing and the odd slightly drunk family father in his grey suit.