I leave the house in the middle of the day, to walk down the local branch of the public library and get away from my computer. I'm at home in the middle of the day because I was laid off last week. In my part of Los Angeles, at 2:00pm in the afternoon, everything is washed out under the effulgence of the Sun in its afternoon power, and it's possible to imagine that the city is abandoned. Wandering the inside of this shell, devoid of human habitation, a child of the 80's can entertain their every Mad Max fantasy - that the cars on the street are wheeled robots, running on obsolete software, carrying out errands that no longer serve their now missing human masters. That the feral dogs down by the concrete river might decide they can take me. I'm wearing a straw cowboy hat, like all the guys from northern mexico wear. There's a reason they wear them - they work in this heat. My head is comfortable, and I can feel the sweat cooling off my temples. All I'm missing is my scope rifle. In my fantasy, I would loop the leather strap around my forearm and fire a warning shot towards the feral dogs. I would watch sparks from the slug's metal jacket bloom over the spalled concrete. The dogs would remember that the only people left in the city are crazy - crazy mountain boys lost in empty cities lost in the forests of their disassociated hybrid brains. This is the soul of my newly minted unemployment. This is the interior monologue, my personal severance package. No more functional specifications, no more critical path diagrams and optimizing the office floorplan. For me, it's feral dogs from here on out.

There is literally not a human soul in sight. As I walk down the mountain, I pass a series of wooden cabins built by the followers of Aimee Semple McPherson the 1920's radio evangelist that built the fantasy-spiritualist dome of the Angelus Temple down the street. The cabins are seriously run down. They look uninhabited, but the last one, the one isolated against the end of the street has its front door open. Punk music is playing from inside the house, and I imagine that I've found one of the only remaining inhabitants of the city. I knock and she comes to the door in a denim jacket with the sleeves torn off and no shirt. Her long arms are inked with roses and thorns, and between her breasts is a luminescent tattoo of the Virgin of Guadeloupe. Her hair is long and braided with glass beads, and she's smoking a pipe. Marijuana plants 10 feet tall shade the house, and she's high as a kite. But it's one of those fabulous mystic highs that makes her seem wise and dreamy instead of just stupid and inside is a bowl of corn salsa. She invites me in we eat the salsa on flatbread.

At first, she'll only let me sleep on the front porch, where I pitch my old Vietnam jungle hammock. As the weeks go by, I loot a ratchet set from a gas station, and cannibalize the solar panels off the wireless instrumentation on the gas pipeline down by the river, so we can recharge the batteries in the stereo. I shoot some of the deer in Griffith Park and we eat venison steak and I hang jerky for the winter.

When I got to the library, it was closed. I turn around and walk home, past the little Catholic church by the river. I pay my respects to the Virgin Mary in her postage-stamp rose garden. She's pretty, with that sweet face the Virgin always seems to have.

Unemployment suits me.

The office was quiet when I entered this morning. As I caught up on my emails, fellow workers slowly joined me in our cubical. It is a solemn affair, our moment when we can define our mood for the day, Jovial, Annoyed, Happy, Sick...

The conversation turned to the lack of rain (again) and the web was checked for this years rainfall gauge in the local area. Melbourne's waters supply is low. This is a constant concern for the guys I work with, and even though all of us staunchly hate 'Hippies' we seem concerned with the lack of rainfall and the prospect of a long, hot and dry, summer. We all remember the drought of a decade ago.

It is interesting to note the way we have become armchair weather men, one of us has Victoria radar rainfail on his screen constantly, another, the water levels taken daily in Melbournes Dams. If either one moves we all get excited and work is placed aside for the more enjoyable conversation.

Ref. http://www.bom.gov.au/weather/radar

Why Don't I have Morning Sickness????

Ok, Ok....I probably know why. I've probably lost the baby. I'm almost 2 months pregnant and I should be nauseated as all get-out every morning. But I'm not. I should be tired and needing a nap every day. But I don't. My boobs should be sore....but....well actually, they are a little sore. Some other stuff is happening too, which I won't gross out you non-breeders by describing, that makes me think that this kid isn't gonna make it.

How do I feel about that? Damned if I know. I guess part of me is relieved because having a kid right now really wasn't in my plans. Part of me is devastated because I love kids and I'd love to have another one. And most of me is numb. I don't want to commit to any emotion until I really know what's up. I have an appointment with the midwife tommorrow, but I think even she won't be able to give me an answer. It's still too early for her to be able to count on finding a heartbeat. The worst thing, and most probable thing that will happen is that I'll share my concerns with her and she'll schedule me for an ultrasound. If no heartbeat shows up, I'll have to have a D & C...an abortion.

I really don't want that appointment to come. Sometimes living in denial is so much easier than facing reality and getting on with it.

I wish my life had a fast forward button.

I helped the estate of Douglas Adams today to determine their Internet needs now that DNA himself is gone.

The last thing I did as a result of that task was to remove his name from the account, and delete all things named DNA from our systems.

He's really gone, and a few tears trickle down my face at the thought. I didn't think it would sneak up on me like this. I only met the man once, and shared more than a few chuckles with him on the phone. That's not enough to provoke this kind of reaction, is it? Is it?

I guess it is.

Today I worked, and I feel good about it. Accomplishing something that other people will recognize is always a reason to feel good about yourself.

I got up at about 10 (I wasn't able to fall asleep until about 4) and made my way to the university by 11:30. Ya see, the honors lounge just got 7 new computers. Being on the computer committee, I'm helping set them up.

As I was setting them up, no one else was in the lounge but Ryan. Ryan's like a kid. He hasn't really matured all that much, compared to my other friends. Sometimes it can be enduring, like when he maked a fort out of empty computer boxes, but other times it can be annoying as hell, like the time he put me in a headlock as I was minding my own business.

Most of the day he sits in the lounge and plays MUDs. He seemed to be glad that I was there, glad to have someone to interact with in the physical space. However, I wasn't there to interact, I was there to work. I continually listened to his substanceless comments.. it seemed like he wanted attention. Not that that's a bad thing, after all, one reason most of us talk to our friends is to receive attention. The thing was, everything he said was substanceless. I wouldn't mind having a conversation with him, but I didn't want to initiate one.. and I just couldn't respond to his substanceless remarks (Such as singing some song that goes "I want to be a movie star" and asking if I wanted to be a movie star.) I must have seemed a bit despondant..

Matt asked me to see Moulin Rouge (damnit people, the "in" vowel sound is NASAL) with him and some friends. I told him I wasn't really interested in the show as I'm not a big fan of musicals, so I wouldn't go. After the show, he keeps pressing the issue, telling me that I should have gone. I tell him that it's just not my thing, and he makes a comment; something about yet another one of my dislikes that I don't have any reasons to dislike.

Ya see, he is referring to my unwillingness to play dungeons and dragons (or any pen and paper role playing game). These RPGs are his favorite hobby, and he seems to take insult to the fact that I do not want to play with him. Even more, it bothers him so much he is constantly asking me to defend my preferences. To justify why I won't play. I've told him that I have tried before and I just didn't like it, that's all.

In repsonse to his comment I tell him "Believe it or not, I do have prefrences. Why don't I eat mayo on my burgers? Because I don't like it. And that's that." He seemed taken aback, and told me that "He's not critizing me.. yet." AArgh. I am not 100% like you. Deal.

Well, after getting some work done, I came home tired, the first time in a long time. I realize that Katie must have felt this 1000x worse when she was working her ass off for her passion. All in all it felt good. Later.

Through the cracks in the wall
Slow motion for all
Dripped out of the bars
Someone smart said nothing at all

I'm watching T.V.
I guess that’s a solution
They gave me a receipt that said I didn't buy nothing

So rust is a fire and our blood oxidizes
My eyes rolled around, all around on the carpet

Oh hit the deck, It's the decal man
Standing upside down and talking out of his pants

-Modest Mouse, A Different City

Today was fairly interesting... 5am we were finishing watching "Shanghai Noon" and then doing dishes, folding laundry, etc. We went to bed about 7am or so, but sleep didn't come until after 9am. Most of that was because we were talking. We have our best conversations about life, the universe, and everything right before bed. This time we started with politics (Libertarian vs. Democrat), then debating the pros and cons of various governmental systems (e.g., Capitalist vs. Communist), next onto biking and the differences between city biking and country biking (pavement vs. gravel roads). We wound up with a short discussion on deadly diseases like AIDS, Ebola, etc.

Great bedtime conversation topics, ne?

We got up around 3pm, giving us each about 6 hours sleep. Spent some time with Mom after she got off work, went to the library to check out the Disney's "Tarzan" DVD and return some other videos, and then went for ice cream. *smiles* It was wonderful. We then went out to Reno and Willow Island Locks and Dam. I'd never been there, but Dan had on many occasions. I even got to watch a barge go through.

Back home, and watched "Tarzan" and all the special DVD features. *grin* Then I logged online and he started watching "Ninja Scroll." As soon as I'm done here, we make dinner - polish sausage, mashed potatoes, and corn. (I am enjoying this not-having-mom-around thing... The whole grown up-n-domestic stuff...) I guess that Dan has "plans" for after dinner, and I can leave the details of that up to your imaginations, kiddies. And anyhow, I have to get to bed early - at least by 3am.


Because I have to be up and out of the house by 11:30am tomorrow. I have a court date in Zanesville tomorrow. I have to go fight the State for the Worker's Compensation because of my injury. My job doesn't want to pay me, or pay for my doctor's bills. Somehow, they get the idea that my injury was a result of a "domestic altercation" instead of something that happened at work. *heavy sigh* I can only pray that the judge decides to contact Shannon-whatever-her-last-name-is that was working with me that night, or it will be my word against theirs, and they have a lawyer.

Wish me luck, all.

Work today was pretty boring. Lots of paperwork doing the everyday things for patients in the ward. Now that I'm in a General Medical team (having had an Emergency Department term and a General Surgical term previously), I'm handling lots of old people with multiple medical problems and multiple drugs. Polypharmacy is not good.

Have been able to get off work on time pretty much everyday since I've started except for the days on which I have rostered overtime, so the workload's not too bad.

Today my mobile phone was buzzing almost nonstop with stock price alerts via SMS messages from my online broker. It was mostly good news. Stocks in which I had puts in generally went down and stocks in which I had calls in went up. =-)

One thing that bugged me today was this Aussie zinc miner that I bought a few days ago. Pasminco's the name of the company. Last week, they announced a profit warning, saying that they were going to lose money in the coming second half of this year, especially since the price of zinc had been coming down lately. The stock price had sunk to a multi-year low - it had been as high as $2.50 two to three years ago and was trading at as low as 22c last week. I went over their figures many times. Their net assets were worth, I thought, closer to $1 per share. The price of zinc can't stay down forever ... and the price/volume graph showed amazing support at the 22c level.

My work is preventing me from stock trading properly. I first noticed Pasminco as the price fell down through the 30s. Did my homework. As it fell down to 28c, I actually told my flatmate that if the price fell down to, say 20-22c on high volume and jumped back, it would be a classic inverted island reversal. Sure enough, the company stock had a day trading at 22c, with volume done equal to a full 25% of the total number of shares, and promptly jumped back to the 28c range the next day, also on high volume. I only managed to buy some shares at 28c.

Yesterday, I managed to convince myself that the reversal measured to at least 55c, and possibly to anywhere north of $1. I bought more at 33c and gave myself a mental stop loss position if it traded below 30c.

Today, the stock traded as low as 28.5c. I saw this during my half hour free to watch stocks during my lunch break (my mobile had warned me it went below 29.5c earlier). I decided to stick to my guns and sold out.

Arghhh...... didn't have any time to check the market until after the close ... sure enough, Pasminco rose back up to close at 32.5c. Grrr..... it went down enough to shake the weak longs (including me) out and went back up.

Ohwell. There's always another opportunity to buy in again if it continues heavenward. Besides, my options in several other stocks look like they'll more than compensate for my trading loss in this stock ... =-)

In other financial news, European stock indexes are all pretty much looking pretty grim as of this writing and Globex futures are looking pretty bearish too for the US stock indexes. Expect a big downday today. This must have something to do with what the market expects of Alan Greenspan and the Federal Reserve's expected interest rate cuts this week. muahahahaahahahaa


My declaration on not getting accepted into the University of Oulu in my previous day log might have been a bit premature.
Together with the scores from my lukio finals, I'm at 65 points. Last year, the lowest accepted score was 67. It might go down a bit this year. It's a long shot, but at least I've got a theoretical chance. (How ironic.)
As you might imagine, I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the final results. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, so I do my best to not think about it at all. I'm doing a great job, in case you haven't noticed. :)

It's not like the nearly 2 years I've spent working haven't taught me anything. I've recently come to understand that although it wouldn't increase the amount of working hours, having two big projects on one's hands simultaneously isn't very cool. You start working on project X and the people from project Y call you to do a stupid task or attend an unnecessary meeting. And vice versa. When you finally get that important meeting arranged with the clients of job X, some hot shot new media gurus from an another company working for job Y phone you, to tell they have booked an extremely expensive consultant for the same day. Naturally, they've done this without asking you or any of your collagues if the day suits them.
Argh. Stuff like this makes living as a poor student seem strangely appealing.
Some of the more career-oriented people might think of this kind of crap as just another challenge. What can I say.. I'm hardly what they call a workaholic.

Speaking of which, the past weekend I definitely became a Flashpoint-a-holic. My plans for summer solstice were cancelled, so I decided to take on the new long awaited game everybody was hyping. Usually, when something has received tons of hype and praise in advance, it turns out to be a disappointment of some extent. In the case of Operation Flashpoint, it was the exact opposite. I haven't been this hooked on a damn game since Final Fantasy VII, with the possible exception of Metropolis Street Racer. Furthermore, I made a grave mistake last night by starting a game of Final Fantasy IX.
If this keeps up, I'm well my way on the road towards the life of a full-time gaming geek. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

~~~ 3pm ~~~

I am so happy yesterday when I finally recovered my lost partitions. No thanks to Partition Magic 6, but thanks to Christophe Grenier's 300k program 'TeskDisk'. Now am fully vendicated back with my 10GB MP3s/music videos/personal archive.

Also, today was the day I received a letter. This letter was my placement with my summer job here in Edinburgh. Guess what? It says that I have to attend an induction meeting (telling info about where to go, what time job is, etc) at 9:30am....... yesterday. What the fuck? Shite! That's not good.

~~~ 5pm ~~~

Today one of our top buildings on campus got struck by lightning! as I was told by my fellow flat mate who just came back. The thunder and lightning was so loud above you it would make a cat jump out of it's skin! Well, it was bloody loud, okay.

so today has started out quite unappealingly.

i talk to my boss this morning, while doing my personal commitment- some management BS in order to keep us on track- and he says that they'll probably not be able to afford to extend me a job offer at the end of the summer. my asking price, as a freshly graduated computer nerd will be much too high for them.

so this basically means that i'm stuck in a dead-end internship and that i'm pissed about it.

you'd think that at least they'd string me along, in order to keep me motivated for the rest of the summer. now, it's sort of like, what's the point?


maybe if they hadn't spend $2 million to build a statue of their great founder, they'd have enough money to not lay people off.


A bit later:

bloody 'ell! what's with the downvoting?

I'm so sorry zgirll. I'm sorry that you are going through this painful thing. My heart goes out to you.

What a fscking drag. I've gotten that monthly visitor for the past month and a half every 20-22 days now. This isn't just too bad. It's really annoying and cumbersome and frankly, scary. Scary cause now I know about the damn fibroid, I feel like it's just growing by leaps and bounds inside of me. Doing yoga last night, when we laid on our tummies and did all those stretches grab your ankles and pull, lift , I could just feel this thing in my abdomen. It feels really pronounced - I can see how it sticks out when I put on a dress. It's not just the extra 20 pounds I'm carrying around dammit! It's real!

Damn. I get the second opinion in July and I'm hoping that I'll feel more confident about delaying surgery after I see this doctor.

On the brighter side, I feel more relaxed about being bi then I was feeling a week ago. I have just let go of the future, let go of worrying about her and her feelings, and what and who I'm going to turn out to be. I've been honest with her, very much so, and have cautioned her to take care of herself, do what she needs to do, and just let it go. Yes, I care about her - but the infatuation is totally gone. I feel affection, like, and lust for her. Just don't feel like I'm falling in love anymore. Which I'm very relieved about. I've met a couple of people that I might want to sleep with, maybe, maybe not, and will meet more. And right now, casual dating is where it's at for me. And not sleeping with her. That's helping a lot.

She asked me if I was seeing M. again. I told her it wasn't any of her business who I slept with, didn't sleep with, dated, didn't date, etc. It was last month, but this month we are just dating casually. And I also let her know that if she wanted to break it off, I'd understand. Cause I know she wants more. Two people want me - and it isn't tripping me out anymore. I want them too, don't get me wrong, but I don't need to sleep with them. I also don't feel the urge to sleep with a ton of women like I was - I do want to be a slut, but not to the extent I did just a few weeks ago. I feel I have time to relax into it now.

There's a lot of honesty in this place. Read the above nodes, man.

I've never felt what a possible miscarriage is like. I don't know Douglas Adams, or his work. I know about his work, but I've never read it. Even so, I feel the feelings people speak of in these Day Logs. I'm impressed at the empathy.

Right now: just lit a cigarette, it's hanging out of the right side of my mouth, and I keep having to move my head so the smoke doesn't go in my eye. I inhale deeply, and try to make intricate designs with the smoke. The Badger, by The Tea Party is on. It's instrumental, and I know how to play it in its entirety. T's on her way home. Looks like we may break up, after three years and a daughter. Hurts like hell, people, it really does. But we're both of the opinion that we've got to work this thing out, so we're going to try our best.

The Badger is over. Now it's Pinch Me, by Barenaked Ladies.

A car-driving song, in my opinion. Not much of an opinion, given that I'm a broke-ass motherfucker with no car. I'm really tired, too. Last night, I held T while she cried. Almost hysterical crying, I might add. Got about two hours of sleep. Tonight, we're both going to sleep well, I know it. The approximate list of what's wrong with us is way too long to go into a Day Log, so I won't. Suffice it to say, however, that we're different people. But who wouldn't be? It's been three years. I just hope we can salvage something. I want that more than anything right now.

Go ahead. Call me a pussy. Call me a bitch. But I cried for at least an hour today. At least. It was probably more like and hour and a half. Alia had no idea what was going on, and she showered me with kisses. That, after a time, made me feel better.

Sliver, by Nirvana.

It's so odd how one's emotions can drift from one thing to another when one is not feeling too well about something. I find myself drifting from feeling bad that T's hurt, to malice for hurting me so much, to slight happiness, that maybe she'll have a better life if I'm not in it. Underneath all of this is my intense, undying love for her. It fills every little bit of my being, and I can only think of the smiles I've gotten, of the way she laughs, of walking hand-in-hand to McDonald's when we felt as if we wanted to gluttonize ourselves. Is that what real love is? When they fill every bit of you, when that person seems to have no faults, if only for a short while.

I know we can get through this. You too, zgirll. Though our situations differ, you can get through yours.

Lady, Your Roof Brings Me Down, by Scott Weiland.

Today I got an email saying "Somebody has a crush on you". Although my first impulse was "spam" and my drifted towards Alt+D, something to do with chemicals took over and made me read it. That, and the spelling on subject which actually didn't have any spelling errors! That alone discounts huge part of the spam out.

Turned out that if the email spoke true, someone had written my (personal, one I usually don't use in usenet postings / form logins / www boards) email on that site. Well, with the sure paranoia of someone with one spam too many in his inbox, instead of clicking on the link I opened up google search and looked for it. And sure enough, spamcop mailinglist mentioned it as potential spam, countless blogs growled about it and I even saw one CrushLink posting in a mailing list. Not to let this (and this node) discourage me, I proceeded to venture to the said web site, with caution. And indeed, it asked me for more emails. Not for a second considering to actually type in someone's email address (not that I know any...), I wrote up some fake emails. The site which, they say, is collecting emails at first accepted them but rejected them again pretty quickly. So, I growled, let it have emails! I headed to hotmail.com. At first I created an account manually, but soon I realized that is ineffective. Or maybe not, but when I grow up I plan to be a perl ninja, so I went ahead to write a slithering perl horror that would create those users automatically for me. And sure enough, after a couple of curious quirks (what? CGI fields "name" and "name=" are different?) I got myself a script that could spunk out new email accounts within seconds.

At this point, I returned to crushlink.com to list some accounts and get those damned hints. My first hint, acquired earlier, had been "the first name of person has 7 letters". Damned useful. Now, as I fed the damned machine more emails, it started to go sluggish. The curious thing was, it wouldn't respond to my new email listings in 10 minutes, but after I hung up my dialup and reconnected in a different IP, it connected fine, only to freeze again when I tried to refeed those emails. Might be just my imagination, but I smell h4x0r-detection here...

As I'm writing this, I've been trying to connect to that site for 20 minutes, and now it suddenly gave me the front page, but the "members sign in link" gave me a "no response" after a long wait. Curious.

Ah well, I must wonder, though, if my perl hotmail horror was illegal. Maybe I should bother reading the license agreement? I read one microsoft license agreement and my head still hurts. It was kind of curious too - apparently, the license for windows nt workstation forbids more than ten inbound p2p connections on some basic services. Hihi...

Meanwhile on crushlink, it opened and offered me a new hint. This new hint consisted of a multi-framed page with one page being a sign-up form to some form and the other frame saying I need to signup to "jobsonline.com" to get the hint #2. I have a bad feeling about this... but what the heck. Introduce Mr. Teufelkunst Schattentanz, an accountant from new york. ... and of course they have to have complete street database of USA. But I'm not giving up! After some friendly help from an american player in batmud, I got through. And for what? "The last name has 8 letters". Sheez! This is getting on my nerves. Admittedly it's quite pathetic that I spend so much time to pursue an imaginary secret admirer designed to get me to view banners and sign on sites I don't need, but hey...

Today I took the day off of work to think about what had happened yesterday. Sara wrote me an email yesterday telling me that she was in love with someone else, and basically all hope is lost of us ever getting together. She was even talking about marriage and children. She has fallen for this guy hard, considering she was telling everyone how independent she wanted to be and how she doesn't want to be involved right now with anyone.

I didn't take the news too well. I had fallen in love with her back in April, only to be told by her that she didn't feel quite the same way about me just yet. She told me that didn't want a relationship and she wanted to just be free for now. I still loved her and agonized over her for the past two months wondering if anything would ever happen. I had days where I felt like shit because I just couldn't decide whether to let her go or to keep trying. Well at least I don't have to worry about that now.

It really bothers me to think of her with someone else. It makes me very frustrated and utterly jealous. I can just imagine this guy with his arm wrapped around her and her lovingly gazing up at his eyes. It makes me sick. What's even sicker is this guy is 1300 miles away from her, and he still managed to sweet talk his way into her life and win her love over the internet. That really makes me feel bad that I'm right here and I couldn't do anything to win her.

I woke up this morning hung over for the first time in my life. I was really upset. I lied in bed just thinking about all of the ways she walked all over me, and I grew angry. I finally sprung out of bed and put all of my angry thoughts into a letter. But I started to soften up a bit and by the time I was ready to send it, I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted to do. I knew that if I sent this letter I would probably sever any communication between us forever. I wasn't sure if I wanted to take that risk. I don't have a whole lot of friends, and I don't afford to lose another one, even though she hurt me so bad. I talked to a friend from work who's age and wisdom recommended that I not send the letter and instead go talk to her in person and get her to tell me everything face to face.

I couldn't at first. I thought about it. She was local to me for three days (she is staying at her parents house 100 miles away for the summer but will return in the fall). And today was the last day. This would be my only chance to talk to her in person. I called her up and asked her to meet me at the university parking lot. We met there and I was just trembling with fear for what to say and how to act. I'd never done anything like this before. We sat down and had a very civil conversation. She told me how she had changed her mind about relationships, and how somehow something just clicked for her when she started talking to this new guy. I tried to get some details out of her, but she couldn't describe it.

In the end, we departed our ways. I told her I didn't want a customary hug and that I'd probably not want any physical contact with her for a while as a consequence of my needing time to move on. She did agree that I should have been angry with her. But I just couldn't do that in person. She told me a lot of stuff to try to inflate my ego and assure me that there are other people out there for me, but it all just went in one ear and out the other. I didn't want anyone else. I wanted her. I didn't get much out of the conversation but I was glad that she had the courage to come and talk to me face to face. I went home and deleted the angry letter I wrote.

I felt better afterwards, though I don't know why, especially with one of the things she told me which distrubed me greatly. She told me that she was considering starting on the pill before travelling up there to meet him. That knowledge alone makes me very upset. I think I could have gone without being told that. That is still driving me nuts even now.

Well I know it's over now. I can't do anything about it. I'm accepting that now, however I am really having a hard time with so many regrets that I have. I regret moving too quickly with her back when she was showing interest in me. I regret not talking to her more often while she was online this summer when she met him. Sometimes I regret ever meeting her in the first place, because before I met her I had an idea of a perfect person for me who I never figured existed. Since I found that she did, I was absolutely amazed and felt luckier than I could ever imagine. That's why I feel so horribly bad about losing her. Not just becuase I lost someone close who I felt great about, but because she is the only person I've ever met who came so close to the perfect person for me.

I don't know what I will do now. I know it will take a while for me to start feeling better about all of this. Right now, I feel like it will never happen. Right now, I feel like I will never meet someone as special as her again. I feel so hopeless and alone. If it weren't for my friends keeping my spirits up throughout the past two days, I think I could have strongly considered suicide. Friends are very important. I am so grateful to them.

I must move on...

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