Why Don't I have Morning Sickness????

Ok, Ok....I probably know why. I've probably lost the baby. I'm almost 2 months pregnant and I should be nauseated as all get-out every morning. But I'm not. I should be tired and needing a nap every day. But I don't. My boobs should be sore....but....well actually, they are a little sore. Some other stuff is happening too, which I won't gross out you non-breeders by describing, that makes me think that this kid isn't gonna make it.

How do I feel about that? Damned if I know. I guess part of me is relieved because having a kid right now really wasn't in my plans. Part of me is devastated because I love kids and I'd love to have another one. And most of me is numb. I don't want to commit to any emotion until I really know what's up. I have an appointment with the midwife tommorrow, but I think even she won't be able to give me an answer. It's still too early for her to be able to count on finding a heartbeat. The worst thing, and most probable thing that will happen is that I'll share my concerns with her and she'll schedule me for an ultrasound. If no heartbeat shows up, I'll have to have a D & C...an abortion.

I really don't want that appointment to come. Sometimes living in denial is so much easier than facing reality and getting on with it.

I wish my life had a fast forward button.