I haven't been able to sleep all day. Yesterday I wrote a daylog just for (darsi) and she wrote one in reply. I felt so special, and I never feel special. What effected me most of all was seeing my real name at the bottom of her node. I hadn't seen a girl write my name in a long time. The last time I read something that had been written for me, it had been from Katie. All that old emotion came rushing back, (but without Katie attached to it this time).

Since I couldn't sleep I decided to go downtown to the bank to cash last fridays paycheck. I realized that I was feeling good for the first time in ages. I have the most horrible sense of direction. So I found myself driving around downtown St. Louis with the top down in my car. I finally found the bank, cashed my check, and headed for home.

A new song started on my mp3 player just as I was merging onto the highway. It was Rage Your Dream an upbeat techno/dance song that someone had uploaded to my ftp. As soon as I heard the words "Rage Your Dream" I started crying. Here I am with one of my dreams coming true, (in a way at least). I finally have an intelligent woman interested in me, someone who I know would be perfect. But she lives halfway around the world from me. My tears soon turned to a big smile though. Somehow just the thought of this lovely girl, (who is so very far away), cheered me up. Who knows, I thought. Maybe, just maybe, someday.

I am looking at life from the perspective of a man in love. But how can I be in love, I ask myself. I don't even know what this girl looks like, (although I have an extremely distinct image of her in my mind). I try and tell myself these things. But then I go right back to smiling like an idiot. Tammy, (my roommate), asked me this morning, "Why are you so happy? I didn't hear any girls upstairs last night.", (she was joking about the girls part, I rarely bring home random girls). I said, "Oh nothing". But I was lying.

Eventually I am going to have to realize that there are slim chances of anything ever coming from my E2 crush. It would take me years to save the money for a ticket to go visit her. Right now I just don't want to think about that at all. Right now I want to hold on to that little sliver of hope. That little voice in the back of my head that says, "Maybe". I partially blame amnesiac for the state I am in right now. He pointed me towards some of dizzys nodes. Nodes about a noder who did manage to get on that plane. Although that would be far in the future if it ever was to happen at all. Still it gives me hope.

Now here are some blatant GTKY facts for (darsi) to read, (and for the rest of you to hold against me).
I cry at movies. Quite a lot actually. No matter how many times I see some scenes from some movies, I still cry when I see them for the 15th time, (like when Randy Quaid kills himself to save his family in Independence Day).

As long as we are on the subject of movies. I liked You've Got Mail. There I said it. It feels good to get that out in the open.

I have huge crushes on both Claire Danes and Lisa Kudrow.

Ok that is enough for right now. I probably already gave everybody more than enough rope to hang me with.

I don't know, but something must have happened somewhere in the world to make me the most sought-after person in existance.

Today, I have exactly 216 emails, all from different people, all with different subject lines. All have two items in common:

  • They all have attachments, and
  • They are all asking for my advice on this file.

I correspond with an interesting range of folks, and I can tell where most of the emails came from. Hidden inside each of these 216 emails is a little unwanted friend, the I-Worm.Sircam.c virus. I've spent a couple of hours emailing my friends and correspondants that they have the infamous Code Red II worm, and it is using their systems to propagate itself.

Remember, never ever open an email attachment from a friend, unless you arranged in advance to have it sent. All of the attachments that have shown up in my email today have a .bat, .com, .exe, .vbs or a .pif file extension. Make sure you update your virus files at least weekly. Personally, I run Anti Virus Pro on one machine, F-Prot on the main server and McAffee on the legacy WinME box. I also have them set up to share drives with each other, and I have each virus program set to scan all network drives every night.

Hehehe, as I write this, four more copies have shown up in the inbox. One is from someone I know who works at a publishing house in NYC. Guess I should make up a form letter to send out to these poor infected folks.

It's tough being sought-after for my advice.

"Hey Wolf Moon, come cast your spell on me"Type O Negative

I know the day is gonna suck when my alarm clock wakes me an hour early. I didn't even notice through the haze of my hangover, until after I smoked the lone Camel Wide that resided in my my now very empty pack, and drank half of the day old coffee I reheated from the percolater, with it's odd mixture of chocolate soy milk and brown sugar (the worlds best drinks are made by bachelors, I swear)

Now I'm eying the bowl sitting on my desk, and wonder:

"Stoned? Tired? What does it matter how you show up to work?"

-reaches for the bowl-

"..feel the fever coming, you're shaking and you're itching" Depeche Mode

Ahh...that's better..back to the daylog..

I'm looking forward to this weekend. See, once, a long, long time ago, Garryn was quite the hippy boy. I wasn't the usual post-modern Trust Fund Hippie (tm). driving a new Land Rover and following Phish and pretending to be twice as burned out as I really was..I was the cynical, society spurning loner hipster who could care less if his tie-dye was out of place and the holes in his floppy cargoes were rattylooking.. [ventilation}. But how life changes you. Regardless, I had my tribe, my fellow Creek Freaks. This weekend marks the first time I shall see a very old friend (musically) Max Creek. Also playing is Burning Spear, Govt. Mule, String Cheese Inncident, and Deep Bananna Blackout, all very good bands. And this wonderful event is to be held on a private biker ranch in the wilds of NE NY, where 6000+ people all the same vibe shall gather and punch a hole in the metaphysical ceiling of conciousness this weekend. Goodbye reality, goodbye apato, goodbye Long Island, all for one glorious weekend. I can't wait.

pauses as the inner voice of the techie speaks...

No, there is no internet access there. You'll have to cope, geek

shakes head

Yesterday I was given bad news. Today it was confirmed.

I'm getting laid off.

This fucking sucks.

These Days, strange days...

My life is a mess.
I feel the urge to node it all but i decided never ever to daylog relationship issues again as i know there can be a fellow noder who knows some things about the subject, is maybe even better informed than me and laughs his head off in front of his screen...
Such things happen!
Believe me!

Music for a lovesick day:
The Coffinshakers - The night side of life (Gothic Country)
Slapping Suspenders - Breaking the law (Psychobilly)
This Top Gun love song aka Berlin - Take my breath away
Stray Cats - Elvis on velvet (Rockabilly)
R.E.M. - Paint it black (intellectual Rock)
Rage - Paint it black (Metal)
Rolling Stones - Paint it black (Rock and Roll)
Flat Duo Jets - Lucky Eye (Kinda Country)
Savatage - Belive (Heavy Metal)
Twisted Sister - Burn in hell (Hard Rock)
Desperados - Ghost riders in the sky (Trash Metal/Country crossover)
ASP - Sing Child (EBM)
Manowar - Herz aus Stahl (True Metal)
Fleetwood Mac - Go your own way (Classic Rock)
Foreigner - I want to know what love is (Classic Rock/Pop)

I know that this is quite a strange compilation. For you music nazis out there: If you are interested in any of the lesser known songs: All except for the Slapping Suspenders' Priest cover are available at AudioGalaxy

TBBK: I cry at the ending of Casablanca. Every time.

Back from vacation, back to work. Nice to see a certain girly girl again, she's very sweet and sensual and smart. Makes me laugh... Something strange started happening to me on vacation. I started thinking about some one I cared about in the past. A lot. Like - I still care about that person. I wonder what the truth is, but suspect I'll get some glimmers of it soon. I care about them, but - how much is the burning question? I ususally know how I feel about some one so - not knowing maybe knowing in itself. I will not say a word to anyone, however, it feels very strange and kind of distant. And yet - I find myself wanting to reach out and call at odd times during the day.

I don't know what's going on here. No epiphanies here, not a case of lightning crashing down on my head and illuminating my feeble brain with the truth. Nope. I can't help but suspect it's loneliness and maybe some (cough) (ahem) horniness mixed in with genuine caring about this soul.

On the other hand, having kicked sugar out the door thoroughly and for good measure, I'm feeling very good physically. Of course, on vacation I exercised every single day and that felt tremendous. It's a far better high than I ever got from sugar, that nefarious drug so powerful and sinister - and dangerous to my body.

Went shopping for school clothes with my son last night; music videos abounded in nearly every store. Strange to watch them and see what passes for good music in the popular culture. Yikes.

My dear M. has decided to pull the plug on continuing working on his doctorate. Yay! I think his emotional well being will be taking a dramatic upswing this week. I'm so glad he decided to quit. After working on it part time for 8 or 9 years, the whole time of which he was in a codependent crappy relationship that futzed him out too.

Wow, its today already. Seems like it was tomorrow just yesterday. Time doesn't fly, it creeps up on you rips you right our of your current existence only to throw you into an another.

I must be in digression hell today. This is the third time this has happened. I sit down to write something and then get lost in a side thought that materializes right in front of my eyes and any other unfortunate onlooker that happened to be in the vicinity. OK, I'm doing it again. I'll stop and get on with today.

Finding Time

There is never enough time in my current reality to possibly accomplish everything that EVERYONE expects me to do. Its not possible. End of story. There is always things needing to be done by none other than me and I'm always doing them, yet I never see the end. Tasks continue to consume my time beyond the ambit of my imagination. Thank God for PIM's! I would be lost for sure without mine. One day I plan to do something for me, that I want to do. We can always dream.

Final Kitten Update

The kitten is completely back to normal (if that's possible for a kitten to do). She's eating well and acting like a absolute maniac. Nothing like standing barefoot outside the bathroom door and having a needle claw puncture your toe in the morning. It's an experience you'll not soon forget, I know I wont. If I can keep her away from the formal living room furniture I'll be happy though.

Limitations on goodwill.

I park in a multiple level garage connected to the building I work that has FREE valet services. Me, being the great guy that I am started tipping the guys as they go get my truck. By now you would think I would have learned, but that's asking way to much of myself to ascertain what not to do from my mistakes.

There seems to be some sort of contest going on that I'm only vaguely aware of. As I come out of the tunnel from my building, I see this game going on, all attendants that see me make a mad dash for the ramp going up into the area where my truck it parked. I have the feeling that if I stopped tipping that something terrible would happen to me from disgruntled automobile attendees.

I mean its only a dollar, how can that energize someone that works out in 100 degree heat all day in a fume ridden concrete enclosure? Maybe there's an ulterior motive going on here that I, in my rush to break away from the confines of the office, have overlooked. I'm not very good at conspiracy theories so you'll have to use your own imagination to conclude the scenario.


I think I've finally found a use for daylogs--not an everyday use, but a use that makes sense in my shallow little life.

In the big picture of Everything2, daylogs are extremely useful for keeping a lot of ephemeral crap out of the real database (that should get some of you pointing your cursor at the downvote button!) and lightening the Editors' workload. But, because most of the ephemeral crap in my life isn't worth the trouble it takes to share, and I disdain the use of the daylog page as a vote-dump (more downvotes!), I seldom use daylogs except as a reference for soft-link commenting (OK, it's true--the whole TheBooBooKitty/(darsi) thing is really cute).

"Yet surely," I frequently muse, "there must be 1001 unheard-of, unholy uses for daylogs!" Maybe there are...here's one idea:

From now on, I plan to log every single CD I purchase.

Wait, Gods, wait! Don't nuke my account before you hear me out! I don't buy very many CDs--about 2 or 3 per month, and I have no intention of indexing the hundreds that I already own. Nor do I want to bore everyone with long-winded, highly subjective write-ups on every disc that passes through the player. What I have in mind is a method of keeping track of why the purchased CDs were purchased, with, perhaps, a one-line review to help in evaluating the reasons for buying each disc. In many cases, this will amount to comparing the subjects of an "Old Way/Net Way" dichotomy, with the intent of finding out if one method of discovering new (to me) music is more satisfactory than another. Note that recommendations from friends will probably not be a factor, since I don't have any friends.

As an example, yesterday I bought two CDs: Road Runner! The Best Of The Gants and Weezer (Weezer's debut album). Neither of these is recent music but, until recently, I had never heard either band.

The Gants, representing the "Old Way", were a no-hit band from Mississippi, active in the mid-sixties; I heard a 30-second clip of their music (and was subsequently unable to identify which song it was from) on an NPR radio station in the middle of Nevada during a recent vacation. I liked their sound--basic British Invasion-influenced American garage-pop, such as can be found on the Nuggets anthology--and made up my mind to learn more about them when I got home.

Weezer, of course, is well-known to many of you--their node on E2 is almost a GTKY-referendum for noders to express their views on grunge-pop nerd-empowerment--but, until I downloaded an MP3 of "Holiday" on a whim this week, I was completely unfamiliar with their work. "Holiday" grabbed me right away--sound aside, vacation nostalgia was on my mind--but I figured that it would be better to have a full CD to listen to rather than risk burning out on one song.

And the verdict? Was either random radio-exposure or downloadable web-exposure clearly a better enhancement of the music-consumption experience? In this case, no; the two purchases were about equally worthwhile. I probably wouldn't have bought a CD based on listening to a 30-second web clip, but I might have easily forgotten about that 30-second radio clip. Both discs were about what I expected. No other song on Weezer hit a personal-identification note, as "Holiday" did, but all of them are worth listening to more than once. Roadrunner! was a good mix of derivative originals and spirited cover-versions that I will play frequently until it fades into the vast shepherd's pie of my 60s rock'n'roll collection.

No thesis suggests itself; more studies are needed. Please bear with me.

This spring, it will be the first year of my entire life that I have enjoyed the sun.

Yesterday I took such pleasure in laying out in the longish grass, it was all soft and lovely, and I sprawled out and felt like a foetus with my eyes closed being all warm and wonderful, and then the plump grey cat from next door toddled over and rubbed her face on my body for a time and ate some of the grass (does this mean she is ill?)

Micky watched me through the window. I like my garden. I like gardens. When you step outside my front door you can smell colourless flowers so strongly that when I come home in the evening I almost can’t believe I am alive and I don’t want to leave this place.

I used to think the sun was so garish and alien and I couldn’t see why anybody went to sleep in the coolness of night when the stars were out and everything felt different and less.. significant, without earth’s shallow blue blanket.. I mean you can see out for millions of years.

I did something today I will never tell anybody.

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