I haven't been able to sleep all day. Yesterday I wrote a daylog just for (darsi) and she wrote one in reply. I felt so special, and I never feel special. What effected me most of all was seeing my real name at the bottom of her node. I hadn't seen a girl write my name in a long time. The last time I read something that had been written for me, it had been from Katie. All that old emotion came rushing back, (but without Katie attached to it this time).
Since I couldn't sleep I decided to go downtown to the bank to cash last fridays paycheck. I realized that I was feeling good for the first time in ages. I have the most horrible sense of direction. So I found myself driving around downtown St. Louis with the top down in my car. I finally found the bank, cashed my check, and headed for home.
A new song started on my mp3 player just as I was merging onto the highway. It was Rage Your Dream an upbeat techno/dance song that someone had uploaded to my ftp. As soon as I heard the words "Rage Your Dream" I started crying. Here I am with one of my dreams coming true, (in a way at least). I finally have an intelligent woman interested in me, someone who I know would be perfect. But she lives halfway around the world from me. My tears soon turned to a big smile though. Somehow just the thought of this lovely girl, (who is so very far away), cheered me up. Who knows, I thought. Maybe, just maybe, someday.
I am looking at life from the perspective of a man in love. But how can I be in love, I ask myself. I don't even know what this girl looks like, (although I have an extremely distinct image of her in my mind). I try and tell myself these things. But then I go right back to smiling like an idiot. Tammy, (my roommate), asked me this morning, "Why are you so happy? I didn't hear any girls upstairs last night.", (she was joking about the girls part, I rarely bring home random girls). I said, "Oh nothing". But I was lying.
Eventually I am going to have to realize that there are slim chances of anything ever coming from my E2 crush. It would take me years to save the money for a ticket to go visit her. Right now I just don't want to think about that at all. Right now I want to hold on to that little sliver of hope. That little voice in the back of my head that says, "Maybe". I partially blame amnesiac for the state I am in right now. He pointed me towards some of dizzys nodes. Nodes about a noder who did manage to get on that plane. Although that would be far in the future if it ever was to happen at all. Still it gives me hope.
Now here are some blatant GTKY
facts for (darsi)
to read, (and for the rest of you to hold against me).
I cry at movies. Quite a lot actually. No matter how many times I see some scenes from some movies, I still cry when I see them for the 15th time, (like when Randy Quaid kills himself to save his family in Independence Day
As long as we are on the subject
of movies. I liked You've Got Mail
. There I said it. It feels good to get that out in the open.
I have huge crushes on both Claire Danes
and Lisa Kudrow
Ok that is enough for right now. I probably already gave everybody more than enough rope to hang me with.