Ugh. I'm feeling my age, while I'm still a young 31. Okay, I know that many of you are now laughing, because 31 is old to you, just like I feel.

Here are the things that have pointed my thoughts in this direction:

Sigh. Oh well. At least its Friday!
It's been awhile since i've taken the time to reflect on my thoughts. I float just outside of my brain directing my body with impartial commands. I've come close to noding, i've had many reasons to. Yet I could not, the words had no meaning.

Life seems to be a task which must be completed. Emotions appear, confusion, loneliness. These do not linger long in my concious mind. Everything is moving progressing towards the end. I've had to let go of it.

Emotional pain has become a constant companion. I do not have enough energy to fight it anymore. My life seems to be progressing, yet i've not shed many of the fears that hold me back. Without the pain to drive me and with no like minded souls to join me on my journey I back away, away from the crowd away from life.

If... no, never if. I must find a friendly soul, uncorrupted, caring and infinitely unique. Will I find you? Will you accept me, am I worthy? A million questions, a million more answers all of my own creation....
You must exist, you have to exist.... there is too much ugliness in the world, there must be another side.

When I speak of myself, "I", is so frequently used. But it is all that comes to mind. Empty inside, alone inside, not enough of a soul left to be an "I", join me, love me... take all that I have. what little is mine is yours.

guide me
Talked to cureobsession yesterday, and we agreed to meet at noon today. We met, walked around, looked at the clouds in the engineering building, and then decided to go for a drive.

We're driving down Schunior Road(cure is driving), and as he spots 2 pedestrians walking down the street he speeds up and swerves to hit them. HE TRIED TO RUN EM OVER! Just then a cop appeared out of nowhere and flashed his lights. HEHE..damn cure's luck. I giggled, want to know what cure did? He decided to try to loose the cop in this parking lot a mile away. Crazy cure. It was so damn funny. The cop lectured cure on how..he needs to obey the speed limit. blah blah. If it was me in the driver's seat, I would have just said..."those guys should never have been on the street...They were jay-walking" or some stupid shit like that. Usually my mouth gets me thrown in jail or a big fine. I hate cops!

Cure then drove to his house (i had a class in half an hour) and refused to take me back to school. =P We bummed around watching, The Game, and eventually left back to campus. Got in my car...drove to work at 3. Had me about 9 clients. Slow day. Closed at 9. Drove home. Changed. Loaded a truck and trailer with corn (10-12)...My shoulders hurt...
Tomorrow (today, actually, but I'm writing this yesterday) I have to go to a Driver Improvement Class. Why do I have to do this, you ask? Because the DMV suspended my license. Why did they do this, you ask? Because I got two speeding tickets several months ago. Why is the DMV wrong and evil in every possible way, you ask?

Because Oregon law specifically states that suspensions for offenses that took place before the driver's 18th birthday GO OUT OF EFFECT once the driver turns 18. Yep, you guessed it -- I got the tickets when I was 17, and the DMV, in total ignorance of state law, suspended my license after my 18th birthday.

Why did I not point out their mistake to them, you ask? I did. Numerous times. Both on the phone and in person. What was the result, you ask? The DMV told me to call the private company that runs the driver improvement course and see what they thought. So I called them. My conversation with the woman on the other end (who was apparently chewing gum and beating things with a sledgehammer) went something like this:

Me: <explaining my situation in detail>
Her: Uh-huh.
Me: So, according to Oregon law, my license should not have been suspended.
Her: No, the law doesn't say that.
Me: I'm looking at it right here. It says that any suspension for an offense that took place before the driver's 18th birthday goes out of effect once the driver is 18, or after five years, whichever comes first.
Her: No, it doesn't say that.
Me: But I'm looking at it. I'm reading the law. It's right here in front of me.
Her: No, you're wrong.
Me: I don't think you're listening. This book of laws, which is sitting here in front of me, says this. I am certain of it.
Her: <whacks something with hammer>
Me: Hello?
Her: It doesn't say that.
Me: But...
Her: <more hammering>
Me: Fine, dammit, fine. I'll just sign up for the damn class to get my license back.
Her: That'll be $50 sir. Visa or MasterCard?

That's right ladies and gentlemen, a damn company is deciding state law for me. Thus, I have spent the last week without a license, mooching rides off other people and generally being very miserable and pissed off.

But the good news is, after I take the class tomorrow, it should only take another six weeks or so for the DMV to process my request for a new license.

So it's the middle of the night and all is supposed to be quiet. I wake up to a strange creaking noise and get very paranoid about a break in (I've been robbed twice in this flat). I roll over in bed and the noises get worse. Then ...

creak bang crunch

my mattress falls through the bed to the floor. My bed broke. I wouldn't mind so much if either a) I has having bouncy sex with someone (my hand doesn't count) or b) I was really overweight, but for no reason my bed has died.

It looks like the bed was held together with staples. Not the most secure of things. So now I have to go buy wood screws, and a drill to put it all back together.

Still thats the most excitement I've seen in bed in a year!

8:50am

I just got back home from a LAN party that started at around 6pm yesterday. We spent most of the night on Alien vs Predator, but also put in a few rounds of Worms Armageddon. I hate having to take my computer apart, load it all down stairs to my car, then lug it all back upstairs to the apartment where the party was at, then connect it all together again, and finally when it's time to go home, reverse the whole process (but this time while being sleep deprived).

Someone should make portable computers for this kind of stuff. And I don't mean laptops.. they don't quite do the job. I'm thinking more along the lines of small, lightweight computer cases with all of the necessities, and a cheap lightweight LCD screen that gets the job done.

Well, my computer and home network is all put back together again and I'm really tired. It's certianly time for some sleep. I shouldn't even have driven my care while like this. Don't be suprised if I don't updated this writeup again until late tonight :)


3:31pm

The phone woke me up. It was for my brother. I still need more sleep, but at least if I stay up now I won't fall completely out of sync with the world.

I just got a call from a friend/co-worker reminding me that we were getting together to go to a Japanese restaurant tonight. I almost forgot about that after last night's event. Oh well, guess I need to wake up anyway :)


1:05am

I put together a CD before leaving. I spent about an hour choosing songs from my collection, and I came up with the following list:

  1. Dido - Here With Me
  2. Dido - Thank you
  3. Enya - Only Time
  4. Hooverphonic - Renaissance Affair
  5. Eve 6 - On the Roof Again
  6. Pixies - Where Is My Mind
  7. Fuel - Hemorrhage (In My Hands)
  8. Jimmy Buffet - Changes in Latitudes
  9. Jimmy Buffet - Margaritaville
  10. Lebo M - Rhythm of the Pride Lands - Noyana
  11. Lebo M - Rhythm of the Pride Lands - Lala
  12. Shaggy - Angel
  13. Shania Twain - You're Still The One
  14. Christina Aguilera - Mulan Original Soundtrack - Reflection
  15. Shania Twain - From This Moment On
  16. Creed - Higher
  17. Luscious Jackson - Down to Earth
  18. Semisonic - Closing Time

After assembling this list and arranging it in an order where the songs go well together, I played it in my car and realized that it's the perfect soundtrack for my life right now; it mirrors exactly how I feel. That was not really what I intended to do when I made this list though, it just happened that way.

Looking back at this list and remembering how I felt tonight while listening to these songs seems to make it obvious to me that I am still in love with Sara, even though we can't have a relationship right now (see previous daylogs). The list starts with songs that deal with the need for companionship, build up to the feelings of insanity I'm going through, then let go to a relaxing segment and finally some optimistic songs. Some of them I can't explain (#14, #17), but they fit my overall mood anyway.

Anyway, I went to the Japanese restaurant, and had some really good chicken. It was better than most steak that I've had. I then went back by my friend's house and we talked about some of the Japanese we've been learning lately as well as trying to translate some of the words that we saw there.

After that, I went to see The Family Man at the movie theatre. It was a good movie, it had some great moments. It probably wasn't a good movie to see in my current emotional situation though. As a matter of fact, I think song #3 in my list was the song they played for the trailer to this movie.

Not having a driver's license is really getting me down. My family is fighting over who doesn't take me places. It was so embarrassing to sit at lunch with my mom, dad and big brother, and have them argue about who is the most busy. I can't wait for Monday. At long last (if I don't really mess up), I'll have my driver's license.

/me does a little jig

At least that. Everything seems to be a problem at home. I have to share the computer with Mr. Big Brother, so whenever he feels like playing Duke (read: has an important assignment), I have to give it up. It's Saturday, so I'm not going to do too much. I gave up the computer, okay, I'll watch TV. Oh, no, someone is already watching. Okay, I'll just read a book. Oh no, mom's begun reading the new Stephen Fry. Mom? Stephen Fry?

Oh, it's January 20? This could just as well have been any other day. Oh well....

Hmmm... looking at it, it seems kind of pathetic that these are my problems. I bet most people would kill for my problems. Well, they're my problems. I guess I'm lucky. But why is it so annoying?

I thought that when you went to the doctor, they gave you a sucker if you were good.

Yesterday I found out that if you're good when you go to a dermatologist, he gives you a dog!

Not really. I went and had my surgery on my back which hurt like hell and still does, and then my doctor (who talks like Cheech and Chong) gave me the all over body examination, checking my shit out thorough. He said the only thing he wants to take off that isn't on my torso proper is a mole on my left ass cheek that he'll get to eventually. That's gonna suck.

But he also told me to shut up my "damn whining about how you gonna die mahn, cuz you ain't."So anyways, I go out in the hallway and my mother, the cancer survivorer (who insists on coming with me to the doctor, and to be honest, I'm glad) is holding what I thought was a fat monkey. Turned out, it was a yorkshire terrier named Wiley.

Wiley is a year and a half old and belonged to a girl who loved him very much but was gone 19 hours a day. Wiley was sad all the time and as such, his owner (who works at the derm office) was taking him to a no-kill adoption shelter. My mother intervened, saying "I'll take the dog, and then I'll bring him when Josh comes back for his 23,408,234,098 other surgeries."

When Wiley saw me, he jumped into my arms. For the rest of the day, anytime I left the room he would cry. When my fiance Diana came home from work, they fell in love with each other. Hence, I'm now the proud owner of a Wiley.

Bava the cat, however, is not so happy about this situation. But they will learn to love each other.
Where have the great birds gone? There have been no Great White Egrets, no Great Blue Herons, no Herons of any type, for at least three days. My beautiful view of the tidal creek hasn’t even included the hooded mergansers lately.

I have a theory. It was cold here about a month ago. Colder than usual. Colder than it’s been in 15 years. And it was cold for two weeks. The temperature of the inland waterways went down to a record low. Small fish died, the children of the large ocean-swimming fish. I think the herons and egrets and ducks where eating these. I think there are no more small fish. Nothing for the great birds to eat.

And so they have gone away. At least I hope they have gone away. I hope they have found somewhere with plenty of fish and open land and creeks to hunt on. I hope they have not died.

If you see my birds, please let me know. I miss them.

Absorbing pain

My son's dog was run over today. Euphemisms don't cut it. She's DEAD. period. end of sentence.

We've been down this road before together, the mourning for his pet. This time it's different. He feels as a father who has lost his child. He raised her from a pup. He feels he didn't protect her well enough. His loss is deep. I feel his pain.

My daughter bears guilt heavy on her shoulders. She is the one who let Abby loose. It was an accident. She didn't mean to. She saw the car hit Abby at 65 mph. She was there. Try telling her she is not to blame. I feel her pain.

The people that hit Abby were crying by the side of the road when I came up to them. They feel the guilt of taking our dog away. I tell them they are blameless. It wasn't their fault our dog was poorly trained. I feel their pain

My other son is in denial. He runs off to play with friends to make him forget. He doesn't want to deal. He wants to be a kid and pretend that the world is a place where there is no hurt. We've been down this road before. In the night, he will weep and cry out in his sleep. I will feel his pain.

I sit here wondering how I will help my children. I need to be strong for them so they will heal. Life lessons are coming hard at a bad time. No time to dwell on my guilt or my blame in this. I will shift the weight of that baggage later. For now, I don't feel my pain.

Well we’re an item now, as of the 10th, where I first kissed him at ringwood lake. It is hard to publicly call him a bf, he is huge, his hands are like, let’s just say his palm is the size of my whole hand, he is about 6’4’, massive, and I love it all, I get tingles and flippyness when thinking about him

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