I was bored one day, so I decided to destroy the Earth. That was pretty cool, pretty exciting, but once it was over I was bored again. Just sitting out there in space, you know, it gets kind of old.
So then I got an idea. I decided to recreate the planet just big enough to open up a circus on it. I wanted to make it the coolest circus ever so I made sure it had unbeatable attractions. Then this guy walks by and he was like "Hey, what are you doing?"
"Why, I am starting a circus," I said. "Look over there. I have a llama with five dicks. And look over there, see that giraffe with a tongue hanging out of its ass?"
The guy looked my circus over, he rubbed his chin a little, mildly interested I suppose. Then he said "Well, I gotta tell ya, that pink monkey that's felating everything in sight, it's interesting, but how ya gonna get people to come to this circus?"
"Well, I assume they'll just start showing up...any minute now," I said, looking at my watch. Actually, I didn't have a watch. I sighed and decided to put "Buy watch" on my to do list.
"That won't work," that guy said, "dude, you need marketing or something."
"That's it!" I said. So then I put up this huge sign that read "THIS CIRCUS IS REALLY COOL!" Then I stood back, looked at it, crossed my arms, and smiled at my accomplishment.
"Dude, that's it?" that guy asked. "Just a big sign that reads 'this circus is really cool?' Come on, man, you're gonna need more than that."
I considered it and realized he may have had a point. So I grabbed my trusty paintbrush and put a little arrow thingy above and between "IS" and "REALLY" and put another "REALLY" so then it read "THIS CIRCUS IS REALLY REALLY COOL!"
"Man, that's not what I meant!" that guy said.
"Look," I said, getting a bit annoyed, "they'll come, OK? With things like this, how can they not?!" I pointed to the little dog with testicles the size of beach balls (the poor thing just sat on them all day, panting and waving his little legs around, very heart warming).
"OK, the dog is cute, all right, but you need something other than that sign," the guy said as he shook his head.
"Come on!" I argued. "I've got a dung beetle that does a great impersonation of Arthur Fonzarelli, a bear that masturbates to Yanni, I've even got a newt that farts [The Star Spangled Banner!"
"Look," he said, "I know, you've got a great product here. Those things are great. And I especially like the cat that repeatedly bangs his head against the wall while listening to the Beastie Boys, but what I'm sayin is, you, like, need something other than the big sign to get people over here. They'll enjoy it once they're here, but you need to get them here. That's what I'm sayin, dude."
I got quiet and really thought about what he was saying. What if they didn't see the sign? I pondered that possibility as I watched the three-toed sloth that looked just like John Popper from Blues Traveler take a dump.
"All right," I finally said, "you might be right. Would you like to be Dude in Charge of Marketing then?"
"Well, I'd be honored," he said, "I'd love to work with you and those penguins over there singing Ween's Push Th' Little Daisies over and over again while doing Jell-O shots. That's a neat trick, by the way."
"Definitely!" I agreed. "Oh, have you seen the pig with the huge goiter that looks like Courntey Love's face?"
"Yeah, is that it over there sitting by that parrot that keeps reciting spam?" he asked.
"Increase the size of your penis! Ra! You've been approved for a home mortgage! Cum check out my webcam, I like it up the ass!" the parrot yelled as the pig sniffed its crotch.
"Hmm, I may have to kill that one," I said as I loaded my shotgun.
"Wait!" the guy said. "Look over there!"
I looked at where he was pointing and saw a big crowd of people coming to see my circus. There were men, women, children, and this strange old fellow hobbling on a cane constantly mumbling "hold on, I gotta poop, hold on, gotta poop!"
"Well, lookee here!" I exclaimed smugly to that guy. He rolled his eyes at me. I approached this gigantic woman wearing a pink muumuu and asked her why she was coming to my circus.
"Because the sign said it was really, really cool!" she replied as a fish stick fell from underneath one of her chins.
"Ha!" I said, pointing at the guy. "I knew my sign would work! Ta-dow! You're FIRED!"
"B-but..." the guy stammered.
"No butts," I interrupted, "I don't need you! I've got my sign, my five-dicked llama, Ween-singing penguins, and that beaver with a clone of Walter Matthau growing on its back!"
"Aw, cute!" yelled a little girl, pointing at the snake with a large, talking penis that sounded just like Jerry Seinfeld (the penis did, not the snake).
"Fine!" yelled that guy. He stormed away, almost tripping over the two conjoined-at-the-hip lesbian walruses that were making out with each other. Then he almost got burned by the fire-pissing fox.
Just then the dog with the huge testicles came rolling over. He whimpered as he watched the guy leave.
"I know, Ballz," I said (that's what I decided to name him), "I know you'll miss him. But we'll always have fond memories of him. Gone but not forgotten."
Then Ballz shit this massive turd, the biggest one I'd ever seen come out of a dog. As it plopped to the ground I realized that if I had to clean up after all these animals, maybe having a circus wasn't such a good idea.
"Sir!" yelled this big cowboy-looking guy. "Your foul-mouthed zebra is bein eaten by that huge tit!"
"Fuckshitmotherfuckerbitchasscunt!" the zebra exclaimed as it was being devoured by my huge whale that looked like a giant breast.
"Crap!" I yelled. And if that wasn't bad enough, I spied the farting newt getting stepped on the one-legged hippo that quoted lines from Monty Python and the Holy Grail all day.
"WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?!" the hippo yelled in a British accent as it turned the newt into newtjelly.
"I don't think this circus life is for me," I said to Ballz as I scratched him behind the ears. "Come on, boy, let's go."
And then I solemnly walked away from the circus, Ballz and his huge testicles bouncing behind me. It tugged at my heart strings every time he yelped while traveling over large rocks. "You guys can keep it!" I yelled back to them. "All except for Ballz here! Me and him, we're off to seek bold new adventures together!"
And I knew as I headed toward the great, golden sunset, our shadows trailing far behind us, that with Ballz at my side, and adventure in front of us, I would probably never be bored again.