"Out" Everythingians
157 gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered/questioning noders!
Updated 23 March 2011

256
United Kingdom (1987)
409
(bi) Aberdeen, UK (1981)
aeschylus
Raleigh/Chapel Hill, North Carolina (1984)
agentz_osX
Livingston, UK (1975)
ameriwire
(bi) College Park, Maryland
ammie
Oakland, CA (1978)
Anacreon
Tel Aviv, Israel (1976)
Angela
Weymouth, Massachusetts
anonamyst
·
Any
Dorchester, Massachusetts(1979)
Ariamaki
(bi) Mogadore, Ohio (1987)
arrowfall
Seattle, Washington (1973)
avalyn
(bi) Detroit, Michigan (1976)
Avis Rapax
Glasgow, UK (1985)
banjax
Manchester, UK (1970)
Beanie127
UK (1991)
bender
Seattle, Washington (1984)
Bill Dauterive
Ohio (1974)
boi_toi
(bi) Cary, North Carolina (1984)
bookw56
(bi) New Jersey
BurningTongues
Quartz Hill, California (1980)
CamTarn
Glasgow, UK (1984)
cerberus
Edinburgh, UK (1979)
C-Dawg
Santa Barbara, California (1960)
chaotic_poet
Chicago, Illinois (1983)
Chris-O
(bi) New York
cruxfau
(bi) Omaha, Nebraska (1991)
Danneeness
(1990)
DaveQat
Milwaukee, Wisconsin (1980)
dazey
Edinburgh, UK (1976)
deeahblita
(polyamorous pansexual) New York City (1976)
dichotomyboi
Bryan, Texas (1984)
Digital Goblin
Chichester, UK
Dimview
(unspecified) Copenhagen, Denmark (1959)
drummergrrl
(bi) Washington, DC
eien_meru
Ada, Ohio (1985)
eliserh
Cincinnati, Ohio (1979)
*emma*
(bi) Placerville, California (1962)
endotoxin
Albuquerque, New Mexico (1977)
eponymous
(bi) Minnesota (1968)
Error404
(bi) British Columbia, Canada (1983)
etoile
Washington, DC (1981)
Evil Catullus
Denver, Colorado (1976)
Excalibre
East Lansing, Michigan (1983)
fnordian
(bi/trans)
fuzzie
(bi/trans) Wiltshire, UK (1984)
fuzzy and blue
(1979)
Geekachu
Owensboro, Kentucky (1975)
gleeme
(pansexual) Chicago, Illinois
Grae
New York City (1978)
greth
(trans-bi) Middletown, Ohio (1987)
grundoon
(bi) Davis, California
Herewiss
·
hunt05
Olney, Illinois
ideath
Portland, Oregon (1976)
illuvator
San Francisco, California (1984)
I'm The Pumpkin King
Los Angeles, California (1980)
indigoe
(bi, poly) Fort Worth, Texas (1985)
Infinite Burn
New York (1981)
izubachi
Chicago, Illinois (1985)
Jarviz
Linköping, Sweden (1981)
jasonm
(bi) (only out on E2)
J-bdy
Chicago, Illinois (1985)
jeff.covey
·
Jethro
Evansville, Indiana (1965)
JDWActor
Kansas City, Missouri (1978)
John Ennion
(bi) Kansas City, Missouri (1984)
Johnsince77
New York City (1977)
katanil
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (1986)
kidcharlemagne
Texas (1984)
Kinney
Manchester, UK (1975)
Kit
Moscow, Idaho (1984)
knarph
(bi, maybe) Baltimore, Maryland
labrys edge
Chattanooga, Tennessee (1983)
Lady_Day
Birmingham, UK (1983)
Lamed-Ah-Zohar
·
LaylaLeigh
(bi) Birkenhead, UK (1984)
liminal
(1975)

Luquid
Prince Edward Island, Canada (1981)
MacArthur Parker
Denver, Colorado (1980)
Magenta
(trans online) Las Cruces, New Mexico (1978)
melodrame
(bi) British Columbia, Canada
Meena
San Diego, California
MizerieRose
Boston, Massachusetts (1982)
Monalisa
Sydney, Australia (1975)
Montag
Glasgow, Scotland (1989)
moosemanmoo
Newport News, Virginia (1990)
morven
(bi) Anaheim, California (1973)
neil
Lexington, Kentucky (1981)
nmx
(bi) Massachusetts (1981)
NothingLasts4ever
(bi) Mainz, Germany (1972)
novalis
(bi) Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (1980)
oakling
(bi/trans) Oakland, California
ocelotbob
Albuquerque, New Mexico (1979)
Oolong
(bi) Edinburgh, Scotland (1978)
Oslo
Lincoln, Nebraska (1978)
panamaus
Santa Barbara, California (1968)
Phyre
Raleigh, North Carolina (1985)
purple_curtain
Birmingham, UK (1985)
qousqous
(bi) Portland, Oregon (1982)
QuMa
The Netherlands (1982)
rad
·
randir
Cambridge/Somerville, Massachusetts (1977)
Randofu
Maryland (1983)
Real World
Los Angeles, California (1982)
rgladwell
London, UK (1976)
Ryan Dallion
(bi) Vancouver, Canada (1982)
Saige
(trans) Seattle, Washington
saul s
Wisconsin (1985)
SB5
(bi) Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (1983)
scarf
Birmingham, UK (1986)
scunner
Leicester, UK (1989)
seaya
Baltimore, Maryland (1977)
seb
Seattle, Washington
Shanoyu
·
shaogo
(bi) West Hartford, CT (1956)
shifted
Lexington, Kentucky (1981)
Shoegazer
Little Rock, Arkansas (1985)
snakeboy
Los Angeles, California (1976)
Sofacoin
(asexual) Rhyl, UK (1986)
Sondheim
Brooklyn, New York (1977)
so save me
Birmingham, UK (1986)
Speck
(bi) Texas (1981)
Splunge
Boston, Massachusetts (1977)
stupot
Birmingham, UK (1975)
tandex
Columbus, Ohio (1968)
Tato
San Francisco, California
teleny
·
tentative
(bi) Australia (1992)
TheChronicler
Sacramento, California (1986)
TheLady
(bi) Dublin, Ireland
TheSoko
Holland, Michigan (1987)
Thumper
(bi) Walnut Creek, California (1971)
Tiefling
(bi) United Kingdom
tkeiser
New Jersey (1984)
Tlachtga
(bi) Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (1979)
Tlogmer
(bi) (only out on E2) Ann Arbor, Michigan (1982)
transform
Spokane, Washington (1980)
treker
·
TTkp
Centreville, VA (1984)
Ubiquity
(bi) Toronto, Canada (1974)
Wazzer
Newcastle, UK
Whiptail
·
Whiskeydaemon
(bi) Seattle, Washington
Wiccanpiper
Heyworth, Illinois (1957)
WickerNipple
(gender neutral) Brooklyn, New York (1977)
winged
Madison, Wisconsin (1976)
WolfDaddy
Houston, Texas (1965)
WoodenRobot
(bi) Wales, UK (1979)
woodie
Texas
wordnerd
Denver, Colorado (1979)
Wuukiee
(bi)
WWWWolf
Oulu, Finland (1979)
Xeger
Santa Barbara, California (1978)
Xydexx Squeakypony
·
XWiz
Norfolk, UK (1974)
Zxaos
Ontario, Canada (1985)

Blab to Wiccanpiper (below) if you have questions/corrections, or want on/off the list
(include your city of residence and year of birth, if you'd like)
You don't have to belong to the Outies usergroup to get your name up here, by the way.



About Outies

Outies is a social usergroup for noders who identify themselves as homosexual, bisexual, transgendered or just differently gendered. We also welcome those who are questioning their developing sexuality and feel they may identify with our group, but basically we\'re "Queers Only" here.

If you\'d like to join, you should know that the message traffic in this usergroup can sometimes be very high (as in edev-level). However, at other times there is no traffic for days. We\'re either flooding each other\'s message inboxes, or half-forgetting that we\'re even in the group. Note that as of March 2004, this usergroup is no longer moderated! Lots of off-topic prattle and inane ranting may and does occur. If the idea of logging on to find 150+ group messages within 24 hours really bothers you, Outies might not be your cup of tea.

If you do decide to join, we also add your name to the list of "Out" Everythingians (above). You don\'t have to be "out" in real life, just online. If you are "out" in real life, that\'s great! But we won\'t treat you any differently if you\'re not.

To join or leave this usergroup, message Wiccanpiper.


Venerable members of this group:

Evil Catullus, panamaus$, ideath, fuzzy and blue, Oslo, Xeger, ocelotbob, Error404, boi_toi, tandex, eponymous, CamTarn, nmx, kidcharlemagne, Ubiquity, Excalibur, Splunge, MizerieRose, Sofacoin, Giosue, MacArthur Parker, Grae, Tlogmer, aeschylus, Tlachtga, oakling, XWiz, TheSoko, 256, Avis Rapax, J-bdy, Zxaos, eliserh, bookw56, scarf, Kit, wordnerd, katanil, dichotomyboi, Tato, eien_meru, TTkp, greth, WoodenRobot, tkeiser, indigoe, Tiefling, banjax, Ariamaki, chaotic_poet, moosemanmoo, Danneeness, shaogo, scunner, Beanie127, Whiskeydaemon, cruxfau, Oolong@+, tentative, Wiccanpiper, Hopeless.Dreamer., Chord, Dom Coyote, Estelore
This group of 64 members is led by Evil Catullus

This is an attempt to remove religion from marriage in such a way that it is fair to everyone, allowing for any manner of contractual relationships. Some of the issues that arise with no longer recognizing the traditional marriage as part of society have been brought up. I do not necessarily advocate this as the proper method for breaking the barriers, but it is a possible solution.

It is true that marriage as it is defined in American society and legal system discriminates against same sex and other non-traditional relationships. To solve this issue, there should be a divorce (pardon the pun) of government and the predominantly religious institution of marriage.

Hospital Visitation
All people may have on record the list of people that may be allowed to see them while they are incapacitated. No one on this list means no one can see you. This list would be protected by doctor-patient confidentiality.

Tax Codes
There shall be no tax breaks for people in a relationship. This will likely lead to an increase in taxes of people who currently file jointly. Dependents for the purpose of joint filings may be split between two people. While this may potentially discriminate against polygamous relationships, this is necessary to reduce potential abuse of tax codes and excessive paperwork.

Medical Coverage
Supply and demand will govern the existing system. If one wishes to have a plan that covers more than oneself, find it. If there is a demand, the system should find a coverage. It may be more than 'normal' (single person coverage), but it will exist.

Inheritance
The will dictates. In the absence of a will, the eldest member of the immediate blood relationship shall handle distribution. Lack of a blood relation will result in any disputes handled by the courts. Adoption of a minor dependant will constitute a blood relation.

Legal recognition
Should two people wish to enter a binding relationship such that existing laws (such as adultery) may be prosecuted as a breach of contract they may do so. Multi person contracts have no such automatic protection. Breaking the contract shall follow through the existing divorce proceedings. All parties to enter a government recognized contract must be 21 or have parental consent. This contract shall have no other value recognized by the government beyond its being a contract.

Divorce
Unless otherwise stated in the contract, breaking the contract shall result in equal distribution of existing assets. All members of the contract shall put forth equal percentage of net income to the support of any dependants. As the contract does not imply financial obligations, there shall be no alimony payments unless stated elsewhere.

Immigration
Immigration contracts must endure for 5 years before citizenship is awarded. Each native born citizen has 1/10th an immigration contract. This is awarded at his or her 18th birthday. The contract-ett may be bought or sold or otherwise exchanged. 10 contract-etts must be obtained to initiate an immigration contract. If the contract is broken before the 5 years, all contract-etts are null and void.


It has been posed by many to alter the definition of marriage rather than trying to change how the government recognizes them. Unfortunately, there have been initiatives that have been placed on ballots and highly disputed. One such example came up in California two years ago (March 7, 2000) as CA Prop 22. If passed it would add fourteen words to section 308 of the California Family Code:

Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.

Prior to this, California recognized marriages performed in other states. This proposition was a response to the Vermont proposal to allow same-sex marriages allowing California residents to travel to Vermont get married, and return to California claiming marriage benefits.

Prior to this (September 21, 1996) the Defense of Marriage Act was signed at the federal level by Bill Clinton. This defined marriage in federal law as the "legal union of one man and one woman as husband and wife". It furthermore made it clear that no state is required to recognize same sex marriages (or group marriages if the issue came up) from other states - if the states have laws stating this (at least 30 states do). California Prop 22 passed 61% to 39%.

It should be clear at this point, redefining marriage has already been headed off at the pass (so to speak) by clearly establishing monogamous heterosexual unions as marriage at the federal and in the majority of states. Thus, the suggestions above (meant more as something to think about than as hard and fast rules). These suggestions essentially say "let religion define marriage - the government will have nothing to do with it". Instead, the government (courts and laws) recognize contracts.

http://www.cwfa.org/library/family/2000-01-31_ca-prop-22.shtml
http://www.cfaba.org/cf05087.htm (creepy)
http://www.worldmag.com/world/issue/03-18-00/cover_2.asp
When asking how, or to what extent something is done it is important initially to understand why it occurs in the first instance. Thus this paper shall address why and how heterosexual norms devalue homosexual identities, in what way language assists the devaluation and what other issues parallel the non heterosexual failure of recognition in society.

The reason that heterosexual norms can and do devalue homosexual relationships and the attempt of recognition is simple, heterosexual values as the norm dominate society. We “conform to the norm of the heterosexual nuclear family form” (Statham 2000:112). Because of this then, any alternative proposals as norms are rejected or met with great opposition. Consequently the heterosexual model is deemed the “only acceptable social form” (Statham 2000:148) of a family. There is a stigma of “compulsory heterosexuality” (Stacey 1996:133) which floats aloft this social form that segregates society and assists in the failure of recognition for this minority. In addition to this it is believed due to the religious foundations of society that “the ‘family ideology’ is ‘basically traditional’,” (Westoff and Potvin in Scanzoni 1975:26) this maintains the fact that traditional implies heterosexual.

Now that it is understood why heterosexual values pervade society’s range of diversity, it will now be examined how this is done. As society “does not justify the withholding of recognition to relationships which do not have the raising of children as their raison d’etre” (Nicholson 1997:24) the devaluation is done, not through homosexual relationships being on a lower plain of existence when it comes to the “myth of the nuclear family” (Lehr 1999:8). It is done through reckoning that there is only one “acceptable social form for the raising of children” (Statham 2000:148) and thus homosexual identity as a family institution despite them being classed as “homosexual de facto relationships” (Statham 2000:113) by a failure of recognition in society are non existent.

From a legal system “that refuses to recognize gay and lesbian families” (Kovacs 1995:513) stems multiple dilemmas for the homosexual community. Two key focuses of this paper is the recognition of same sex marriage and the accessibility of assisted reproductive services to lesbians who must otherwise “find a male sexual partner if she wishes to become pregnant” (Walker 2000:289). This paper consequentially asserts hence forth that these issues oblige the legal system to not only recognize homosexual identities as equals, but also protect these individuals as a minority at risk of social and legal malice.

Underlying the Same Sex marriage quandary is that “for the purposes of the Marriage Act 1961 (Cth), a marriage must be between a man and a woman” (Blight 2002:92). This paper asserts that same sex marriage access is not a “common goal” (Nicholson 1997:20) as a symbolic union, but more prevalently as a defensive institution “to end the social, legal and economic disadvantages which accompany having a same-sex partner” (Nicholson 1997:20). It is deeply believed by gay and lesbian rights lobbyists that “the central issue has been lost in family values rhetoric and misguided individualism” (Ryan 2004:12).

By family values we revert back to the second paragraph of this paper, that heterosexual values are “a belief already in family and bolstered by religion” (Moats 2004:189). Generally “homosexual and heterosexual couples are more alike than dissimilar in terms of factors which influenced relationship quality” (Hannah 1997:51). Thus only in accepting that there has been a “fear which has transmuted into hate” (Moats 2004:196) which allowed a great divergence in a natural process of tolerance can equality be sought.

From the denial of recognition in regard to same sex marriages the predicament of homosexual couples to access birth technologies is originated. For to have children “the law requires a child to have only one parent of each sex, and parents have all of the rights and obligations or parenthood, while non parents have none” (Kovacs 1995:515). Thus the Victorian Infertility Treatment Act 1995 disallows lesbians and single mothers assisted reproductive services on the basis that under section 8 paragraph 3 “it is required that a woman have a male partner in order to be eligible for a treatment procedure” (Walker 2000:288). It is claimed by “the Catholic Church… and by the federal government” (Walker 2000:290) that these restrictions, under the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child are legitimized by section 3 paragraph 1, “the best interests of the child shall be a primary consideration” (Office of the High Commissioner of Human Rights 1998:1). However the Tasmanian Law Reform Institute wrote an inquiry into homosexual parenting that in regard to adoption it “strongly recommends allowing same sex couples the ability to adopt”(Croome 2003:3). Essentially to paraphrase, two parents are better than one. This reinforces that there are three primary false fears on children being bought up by homosexual parents and that these are all social panics. For “the incidence of homosexuality among children reared in a homosexual environment is no different from the incidence in the general population… there is virtually no incidence of sexual abuse of children in homosexual families… and children reared by homosexuals are not necessarily more psychologically troubled than children reared by heterosexuals” (Cramer in Ross 194:161). Thus all in all it would be better for a child to have two parents where the chance of homosexuality, child abuse and psychological trouble are equal whether the parents are homosexual or not rather than have only one parent. Thus in these two instances heterosexual norms pervade society to restrict homosexual identity recognition as a reputable family.

As all restrictions are found in legislation, language is the key medium of interpretation. In one circumstance the catholic church of all institutions declared that as men do no provide a ‘service’ for women in impregnating them, “the provision of fertility treatment is not properly described as a service” (Statham 2000:149). As well as this the term ‘married couple’ is in contention when applied to transsexual marriage. For it is certain that “marriage must be between a man and a woman,” (Blight 2002:92) however the concern centered on whether each participant in the union are members of opposing sex when the marriage occurs (Blight 2002:92).

Another incident where wording is in contention is in the United States of America. The argument in American State constituencies is that the wording in the 14th amendment disallows gay marriage bans because it “discriminates individuously” (Saltzman 2004:5). The interpretation of the language from the 14th amendment then is the basis for the gay rights movement’s legal action.

In addition to this it is certain that such words as ‘family’ and ‘love’ which are used liberally in contemporary society “can mean very different things when complicated (as it always is) by class, race, ethnicity and gender” (Flax in Weston 1996:525). This is demonstrated in studies examining” variable definitions of context that invoke racial or cultural identities” (Yanagisako in Weston 1996:525) when language is applied. Thus language and the wording of the spoken word is the key to interpretation and hence the centre of the discrimination.

The minority of the community, in understanding the previous points then are stifled for it is “difficult of course, to know exactly what people find threatening or unlawful about lesbian, gay, or queer existence” (Cuomo 1998:201). For “heterosexual family life in no way gains stature, security and respect by the denigration or refusal to acknowledge same-sex families” (Nicholson 1997:24). The ‘queer’ community asks then, ‘why do it if it doesn’t benefit your own institution?’ This open ended question is found in other minorities where failure of recognition has occurred and consequently an up hill battle for will deserved rights has transpired.

One example of a minority denied recognition of equality is the single parent. As there is only one parent, the onus of the breadwinner and the nurturer are obligatorily combined; unlike a two parent family where flexibility in roles are possible. As a single parent from 1974 to 1982 there was a 68% increase in single parent families (Cass and O’Loughlin 1984:24). This continued to degrade the minority where 98% of these single parent families were unemployed (Cass and O’Loughlin 1984:24). One may look further to see that 86% of these single parents families had a female at the head of the family (Cass and O’Loughlin 1984:11) and this is definitely a point that then supports that the notion that single parents (predominantly female single parents) in this era were denied equal access to the work force.

This parallels another situation where “Aboriginal contributions to the economy have gone unrecognized” (Bulbeck 1998:364). Aboriginals were exploited as “guides and native trackers” (Green in Bulbeck 1998:364) by the early settlers. Exploited on the basis that “even when the law required them to be” (Bulbeck 1998:264), Aboriginal workers were not paid. Even when formal means recognized this inequality in the Cattle Station Industry (Northern Territory) Award 1968 case “many pastoralists sacked their Aboriginal workers, unable to pay them proper wages” (Bulbeck 1998:364) and this precedent failed to prevent informal institutionalized inequality. Thus paradoxically law may not be able to amend law.

A last example of failure of recognition in regard to equality is in observation to domestic labour not being recognized as part of the labour emanating from the “economically active population” (International Labour Organization in Beneria 1999:289). As there is an “underestimation of women’s work in the labour force” one must ask why this devaluing occurs. This is because the adopted definition of the “, ‘economically active population’ referred to “all persons of either sex who furnish the supply of labour for the production of economic goods and services’,” (International Labour Organization in Beneria 1999:288). From here this definition was amended to point out that “whether or not this supply was furnished through the market was irrelevant” (Beneria 1999:289) for it was labour and nothing different.

This recognition in the ILO occurred in 1983; however it failed to permeate into some parts of society until. There was “indecency of many displaced home makers” (Ertman 1998:18) present during divorces that failed to recognize domestic labour by the homemaker as contributing to the union of the previous marriage. Thus when division of property and financial assets occurred, the spouse who contributed the most through commercial labour received the most benefits (Ertman 1998:20). To combat this Ertman proposes a “premarital security agreement” (Ertman 1998:19) which would legally recognize and protect the homemaker and their domestic contributions. The need for this type of agreement proves the current failure of recognition and need for equality in this matter.

These three examples link with the homosexual example that patriarchal, nuclear family, white, heterosexual values saturate our society and restrict the embodiment of opposing notions. Thus only in not just formal recognition in law but also social acceptance can these examples of inequality by remedied.

Bibliography

Beneria, L., (1999) “The enduring debate over unpaid labour,” International Labour Review, Volume 138, Issue 3, pages 287-310: Geneva.

Blight, J., (2002) “Transsexual Marriage,” in Dossier of Readings 1908 AMC Gender, History and Culture, 2003, School of Arts Media and Culture, Griffith University, Brisbane.

Bulbeck, C., (1998) “Social Sciences in Australia,” Harcourt Publishers: Sydney.

Cass, B., O’Loughlin, M., (1984) “Social Policies for Single Parent Families in Australia: An analysis and a comparison with Sweden,” Social Welfare Research Centre, University of New South Wales: Kensington.

Croome, R., (2003) “Relationship Law Reform in Tasmania,” University of Sydney, http://www.arts.usyd.edu.au/publications/wordisout/archive/07croome.pdf, accessed on the 16th of September 2004.

Cuomo, C., (1998) “Thoughts on Lesbian Differences,” in Dossier of Readings 1908 AMC Gender, History and Culture, 2003, School of Arts Media and Culture, Griffith University, Brisbane.

Ertman, M., (1999) “Commercialising marriage: A proposal for valuing women’s work through premarital security agreements,” Texas Law Review, Volume 77, Issue 1, pages 17-113: Houston.

Hannah, J., (1997) “Relationship Standards and Communication Patterns as Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction in Committed Lesbian Couples,” Bachelor of Psychology with Honours, Griffith University: Brisbane.

Kovacs, K., (1995) “Recognizing Gay and Lesbian Families: marriage and parental rights,” in Dossier of Readings 1908 AMC Gender, History and Culture, 2003, School of Arts Media and Culture, Griffith University, Brisbane.

Lehr, V., (1999) “Queer Family Values,” Temple University Press: Philadelphia.

Moats, D., (2004) “Fear Itself: Meditations on Gay Marriage” The Virginia Quarterly Review, Volume 80, Issue 4, pages 186-196: Virginia.

Nicholson, A., (1997) “The Changing Concept of Family: The significance of recognition and protection,” in Dossier of Readings 1908 AMC Gender, History and Culture, 2003, School of Arts Media and Culture, Griffith University, Brisbane.

Office of the High Commissioner of Human Rights, (1989) “Convention on the Rights of the Child,” Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, http://www.unhchr.ch/html/menu3/b/k2crc.htm, accessed 26th of September 2004.

Ross, J., (1994) “Challenging Boundaries” in Handel, G., Whitchurch, G., (eds.) The Psychosocial Interior of the Family, Aldine de Gruyter publishers: New York.

Ryan, B., (2004) “Victory for Homophobia,” Sydney Star Observer, 12th of August 2004, page 12: Sydney.

Saltzman, J., (2004) “ANALYSTS SEE CHALLENGES FOR AMENDMENT,” Boston Globe, February 11th, page B5: Boston.

Scanzoni, J., (1975) “Sex Roles, Life Styles and Childbearing,” The Free Press: London.

Stacey, J., (1996) “In the name of the family,” Beacon Press: Boston.

Statham, B., (2000) “(Re)producing Lesbian Infertility: Discrimination in Access to Assisted Reproductive Technology,” in Dossier of Readings 1908 AMC Gender, History and Culture, 2003, School of Arts Media and Culture, Griffith University, Brisbane.

Weston, K., (1996) “Building Gay Families,” in Handel, G., Whitchurch, G., (eds.) The Psychosocial Interior of the Family, Aldine de Gruyter publishers: New York.

Walker, K., (2000) “Equal access to assisted reproductive services,” in Dossier of Readings 1908 AMC Gender, History and Culture, 2003, School of Arts Media and Culture, Griffith University, Brisbane.

We spoon, he and I, sleeping together naked as one. Some time in the middle of the night, he takes my hand and twines his fingers with mine, holding my hand against his heart. My chin rests on his shoulder, my other arm (the one you always wonder what to do with when you spoon) underneath his pillow, supporting our heads.

We sleep. We dream. We love. The night passes, and we are content, blissful, dreaming each our separate dreams.

Sometime, before dawn, I awaken, but only halfway. I catch myself doing something. My hips are thrusting, my groin is on fire, and I am slowly, slowly thrusting the very center of myself in, but not IN, that perfect cleft of flesh beneath the small of his back. His flesh grips me, and he, in his half-awake state, clenches himself slowly, creating a hot (oh, god, so hot) friction that stirs me, commands me, to do more, something else than the delicious precursor in which we are almost unconsciously participating.

But I resist. This, what we're doing, is too slow, too delicious to give in to the perfectly normal temptation to be traditional. We could satisfy our morning lust in the usual way. But, no. This is better, this slow rubbing, thrusting, sliding feeling. It's like a dream, and our half-sleepy half-awake moans of incipient pleasure only contribute to that feeling.

I kiss his neck, and he thrusts himself back up against me, slowly, urgently, needing more contact, more touch, more of my body than simply our sex organs. My mind tells me that this is juvenile dry humping, but my heart (among other things) belies my mind.

My lover wakes more fully, stretching, and I see his muscles lengthen, and contract. Lengthen, and contract. He is beautiful, my morning love, and smiling at me, eyes closed.

We could go on like this for hours, he and I, this pleasant, gentle, sexual, erotic stimulation keeping us on the very threshold of both consciousness and stupor. But my hands, more awake than my mind, grip him, play on his skin. I excite those nerve endings that only he and I know can be excited in him, until he can no longer take me doing this to him.

He turns over, and now we are face to face, and now our blue steel, hot and turgid, touch each other and it's like electricity as we slide them up and down against one another, staring into each other's half-lidded eyes. I kiss him, gently, thrusting a bit more now, actually grinding myself against himself. At the same time, we look down and see ... my god, what we see. It's beautiful, but nasty. A powerful sight, but one that makes us feel a little guilty. What we see, those two things rubbing against each other so pleasurably, is what we have been told is wrong, dirty, bad. That we are somehow not men for doing this together.

We know that's not true. We know that sight is in no way feminine or effeminate. It's raw. Powerful. Unquestionably male, overwhelmingly masculine. Looking down, our breath quickens and catches in our bodies, because now our minds, our imaginations, our secret, hidden desires and fantasies have entered into the fray. So long suppressed, these fantasies somehow are represented in this one vision, these two things that everyone says are never to touch each other. But they are touching, they are slowly sliding over each other, they are giving us a sweet, sweet sensation that is wholly and perfectly right. Natural. Human. Good.

It ends with a powerful rush, a sensation unlike any other release I've ever felt, our bodies alive, on fire, our mouths as locked together as the rest of us, and it goes on and on and on til finally I have to break the kiss and vocalize this heavenly sensation, something I rarely, if ever do.

What a way to start the day...

...but we just go back to sleep.


Ashley is five years old.

Last Monday at the after-school program where I work, Ashley stuck a straightened paper clip into a wall socket. You hear about kids doing this all the time. A little shock and they never do it again. Ashley will assuredly never do this again.

I don't know what weird combination of factors came together at just the wrong moment. None of us know exactly what happened. I didn't see it, but about 40 subsequently very freaked-out kids did. They told me various versions of the story, each more grisly than the last. As it turns out, none of them were exaggerating. The adults who were supervising that room at the time (it's a big room, and they can't be everywhere at once) told me that three jets of fire burst out of the wall, knocking Ashley back about ten feet.



The carpet was burned down to bare concrete in three spots, including a charred coil shaped like the unbent end of the paper clip. Before she dropped it, it burned an identical coil onto the side of Ashley's index finger.

Her hand was blackened and bloody. Her fingers were described to me (when I tell people this story, I cannot bring myself to say this out loud.) as being split open like a hotdog that's been in the microwave for too long. They said you could see things inside, like tendons, and bone.

The woman who wrapped up Ashley's hand, and put ice on it, and sat with her until we could get the mom on the phone to verbally ok our driving her child to the emergency room (the legal hoops we have to jump through in situations like this are unbelievable) - that woman, my co-worker, fainted while telling me this story. She's good in a crisis but blood freaks her out. When she came to, she cried.



Ashley's mom is an alcoholic. Divorced. Full custody. ("Please call my daddy. My daddy will come and take care of me.") She works from home and lives three minutes from the school, but does not pick Ashley up when school lets out at 2 - rather, she waits until 6:30, when the after-school program is ready to lock its doors. Ashley is always the last child to leave. Mom stomps in the door and growls, "Where's the little bitch?" They go home and Ashley is put to bed at 7 pm. She might get dinner and she might not.

Some of this information comes from Ashley, and kids exaggerate, but her father has confirmed that it is true. I have only spoken with him once. I told him he had a sweet kid (I did not mention how sad and scared she looks all the time. he knows.) and his eyes filled with tears and he touched me on the shoulder and he told me how hard he is fighting to get custody. He told me how much he misses her. Every day.



She didn't come back to school for days and days, and I was thinking, dude, even if they chop off your arm, you'd be back to school in a week, right? Unless. Unless your cunt of a mother gets pissed at you for being a kid and doing kid things, and she beats the shit out of you, or knocks you down the stairs, or breaks your arm, or punches you in the face and is ashamed to let the world see the black eye? A lot of things could happen. Every day: no Ashley. None of her friends have seen her. We call their house and the line's been disconnected. What do you do? I mean, really, what are you supposed to do?




Today, the kids are shuttling over from the school building to our building, and they're lining up to get signed in, and I'm checking their names off the list. And I look up and there she is. And she's grabbing Emma's butt with her good hand and Emma is sick of it and she is hollering QUIT IT, and Ashley is shrieking and I have to threaten to separate them, and I've never been happier.




Later, she lets me look at her hand. I'm no doctor but my verdict is: miracle. She says it hurts, and I think, Good, that means those parts are still hooked up right. I had been thinking amputation all week, but, no. It still looks pretty bad - vicious purple slashes on her index, middle, and thumb. But there is no black flesh, or disfigurement, or stumps. She will have scars - that coil, burned into the side of her finger, will always be there, I imagine.


I ask her if she got in trouble for what she did. She says her mom wasn't mad, only disappointed. Which probably amounts to a massive guilt trip laid on the poor kid. "Verbal abuse" is such a poor phrase for words that can ruin a kid's chances, from the start, of seeing herself as anything other than useless and in the way.


Then again, Ashley says her mom told her about when she was little, and she got a bad shock from an exposed wire. And she says that when they got home from the hospital, they watched a video and had ice cream. I know it is too much to expect that one bad accident could completely reverse this hateful woman's attitude toward her daughter, a lifetime (five years.) of disregard and cruelty. But then again people change all the time, and something has to start it. Right? Can I hope for that? This little, little kid doesn't want to tell me about how much her fingers hurt, she wants to tell me about how great it was to snuggle with her mom on the couch that night, watching 101 Dalmatians. She's shining up at me. She's so happy. Can I keep hoping for more of this? How can I not?




update: Today I happened to be in the lobby when Ashley's mother came to pick her up. I've never talked to her very much; she scares me. I made my face as innocent as all get out and I said, Hey, we were all so glad when we heard Ashley was all right.

I've never seen tears well up in anybody's eyes so fast. She said she was on the interstate when her cellphone rang, and they told her what was going on, and she had to pull over to throw up. "I mean, I just - " She closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead with her fist.

"I was so scared. You know?"

Yeah, I think. I know. And I think, you keep that taste in your mouth. You think about it. This might end up ok.


update, even better: Ashley's dad won full custody. She told me with a gigantic grin. "I get to go live with my daddy!"

I won't be seeing her any more - dad lives far away - which is fine. Ashley says her mom "has to go back to the hospital." I don't know if that means rehab or what, but it has to be a step in the right direction.


update: October 23, 2003
Probably the happiest way to die you can possibly think of, not counting death by orgasm.

I try to use this phrase in conversation at least once a week.  For example:

You: Man, that's a horrible way to die...with all the scarring and fire and explosions and whatnot.
Me: Yeah, I'd much rather be licked to death by kittens.

Or...

Me: So, how do you feel about world peace?
You: Well, it's better than a kick in the teeth.
Me: Ah, but is it better than being licked to death by kittens?
 

With some help and guidance, you too can be licked to death by kittens.