Yesterday, September 9, 2000, I went on a noding spree in order to get to Level 5. I did not node crap. I noded Chumbawamba lyrics. You might want to see my Chumbawamba Discography. With this node, I become level 5. YAY!

Things I get: more cools, more votes, and the ability to make rooms. YAY!

Anyway, I am now taking a dual enrollment class at FIU. It's Programming 1. I was given my first assignment on thursday. I have to write a program that tells you how much change is due in dollars, quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies. For example: the price of something is $5.65 and you give me a ten dollar bill. I owe you $4.35. This is composed of 4 dollar bills, one quarter, and one dime. Cool beans!

To do this I'd need a C++ compiler, which I don't have. I don't have assloads of money to buy MS Visual C++. So, I have to go to one of FIU's cool ass computer labs to do it. I know all you GNU/Linux fans reading this are about to tell me to start using Linux because it's free. However, what isn't free is the hardware. I just don't have the disk space to install Linux and I don't have the money to buy a new hard drive.

Boy, do I ramble (and, yes, I can say tangent).

I slept really well last night. Woke ~7:30AM and neatened a little, played some MM8. New York Renaissance Faire 9AM-7PM. I bought a hammock chair (with footrest); I love the idea of machine-washable furniture that folds up into a tube that I can carry under one arm. I haven't been to the Faire for some years - last time I went they had ignored the traditional presentation of a Shakespearean play; this year I saw The Taming of the Shrew, very comical.
The SkyChair saga continues on October 23, 2000.
Hey you-

I'm writing this for myself, not you, you will never see this. Our relationship is dead, it has been so for years, it probably was before it even started, but that doesn't mean that it never happened and what did pass between us left a lot of scars on me. Congratulations on getting beyond it, beyond me, sill leaving me wanting more. But like I said, that was years ago. I was just jealous that you got their first.

Love and hate are so closely related, the line that seperates them is merely perspective. You're the closest thing I've ever come to love, and our love fed on so much hurt. We hurt each other so much.

But I craved it, it was the only thing I had of you.

I've seen you cry. I've made you cry. And you know that you've made me cry, even though I never let you see it.

The same thing would have happened to any other people in our situation. We were thrown into something so intense at such a young age. You ripped into my insecurites, you found them like you were an expert at this. You thought you were joking, but how were you to know? The repercussions of the things you said and did to me still haunt me today, and I've blamed you for years. That was what made it so hard to let go of you when you finally let go of me.

I'm not a victim of you however. I realize that now, and I refuse to blame others for my actions.

And any pain that you caused me has been repaid in kind. I was your obsession and everyone knew. (You were my obsession and nobody knew).

I wanted to write this to remember what we were back then. Years have passed, young years which seem like lifetimes. I've changed so much. You are gone and so am I and looking back is so surreal. When I look back, all I have is textures, the palpable feeling of creativity. That time was unique, as unique as we were. The pain isn't there anymore, I'm left with scar tissue that I've seperated from you.

I wish you all the best in the world.

The sine-tone of a thousand cicadas singing in my head:
Herein follows a philosophical little rant, just because I'm feeling so inclined.

Permanency Versus Change?


Whilst I believe in the solidarity of the human mind, I also feel as if it is in a continual state of change. Me of yesterday was not me of today, much less five years ago. My memories change constantly, and my perceptions are in perpetual change; my perception of a long-held memory changes every moment. I do not like this conclusion: if there is no permanence then there is nothing to believe in.

I am inclined for comfort value to at least believe in the human mind to shape, control and change the world. But if nothing changes over time we're all screwed. Our fate is sealed, our destiny pre-planned, our sense of individuality nothing more than comfortable falsehood. Maybe in that sense permanence is a scarier idea than change.

Permanence = non-purposeful existence
Change = no reason for existence

My tertiary application is in, and my sense of impatience is setting in further with it. But it's definitely a manageable feeling. I think I'm doing good, kid *pats head in end of American feel-good movie-esque moment*.

I feel compelled to write. I must say something. Anything. What can I write. There must be something. I shall type endlessly, without hope, without interruption. Where will this lead? I hope for salvation, for a better life, a life free of bugs, free of vb, free of persecution and sloth.

Let me alone a minute. Let me think in solitude. A few minutes, that's all I ask. I enjoy my solitude. I can be completely free, free to express myself, free to be myself. Even if there is no one to express myself to; but maybe that's the most important thing. I've stopped trying to impress people. It's never worked.

What am I doing, to snap at her so? A simple question asks she, but my tongue is too sharp for her. The zone, the zone, for the first time in a long time. An abstraction from the world, I don't want to pay attention, I just want to press these little switches and convert the froth on the top of my mind to bits and words, and type on, and share. Callous then, but afraid now, what damage can such a small thing cause?

She is like a tender flower to be handled with the utmost care, gently and carefully. But I am to coarse, too brutal. Oh, what hope have I for love, if I keep on like this, a lout, thrashing through the forest of life, crushing small things underfoot as some clumsy over sized giant. I am not aware of what I do, I must be more careful, before I make a grievous error and cast all that is good and wonderful from my life. I can't allow myself to make those kinds of mistakes again, I should have learned from them by now. I must not become so absorbed in myself.

Peace. Quiet. That is all I seek now. Away from work, away from words. Let me read with my eyes closed, but with my mind open. Let me type with my eyes closed, and we shall see what comes out. Channeling something, a random stream, like taking random noise and turning it into something beautiful, that's what I want to do. I've had enough of structure and order, I want to sit back and enjoy work of beauty that is nature's, and not worry about what I haven't learned yet. I am young, there will be much time ahead of me to accomplish things and learn more. So I shall sit, and observe, and love if I can. Stop and smell the roses for an hour or two, and see what comes of it.

Ah, it feels so good, this release, this wonderful expression of words. I am beaten, run down and stressed out, and nothing has happened yet!

.... That's it. That's all.

A very hard day

Today all furniture was packed into a rental trailer and driven away. The house only has things left in it. No furnitue. Just things that will have to be packed into boxes and sent to a warehouse.

The cat is confused and sad.
So am I.

Is this worth it ? The whole life and existence packed into boxes and sent away. Just start all over. The next couple of weeks will not be the happiest of my life.

really refreshing sumday.

9:00 am
start to huck e2 code in order to localize the code in Japanese. one of my current very personal project is localization of e2 in japanese.
it's not fair that e2 is aimed only to people who speak/read english.

12:00 pm
went to akihabara to get biggeer hdd. wanted to get 30g one but they didn't have stock. so end up getting another java book about optimazation of this interpreted language.

4:30 pm
went to watch my little brother's basketball game. (he is my baby!! if anybody mess with my brother, i'm sure i'll kill that fucker.)
they lost the game, but they did well. that's ok shin, you'll win next one. i'm sure.

8:00 pm
went to drink with jill from seattle. had good time with her and her friends.
one of her friend lisa will be my next goddes. she's beautiful and intelligent. daaamn. she's attractive....

12:00 am
i'm at home writting this. it was a good sunday.
Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner. Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone. And sometimes I feel like my whole world is on hold.

Okay, so the first two lines were stolen from The Peppers and the last was my own but still, it rings true.

I have been waiting on a new job that will change my whole life. I'll hvae a full time job which requires me to get my ass out of bed in the morning, I will have benefits so I can actually go to the doctor if need be, and I will be moving back to Rochester. I don't really know what to expect, as far as what life will be like. I wonder if it will be like the good ole days? Will I have tons of friends again, tons of stuff to do and tons of fun? I don't know, so many of my friends have left and those that have stayed have *gasp* grown up. I have changed so much myself but I wonder: how much have I really changed?

I think any of my friends will attest to the fact that I have definitely become more...shall we say...brave? But I don't know, maybe I am not more daring, maybe I am more self confident? I saw an interesting Behind the Music on VH1 last night. It was John Lennon, Behind the Music and they talked a lot about how insecure he was and unsure of himself. I thought that was the wackiest thing I had ever heard. How can possibly the most successful musician in history have a problem with self confidence? But yet somehow I understood. Btw, I am not trying to compare myself to John Lennon, I'm just remembering something and going on that side track of life called Debbie's personality.

So anyway, life is on hold. I should be looking for a new job but I can't seem to get myself to actually do it. I have it in the back of my mind that I am going to work at EDS and I am going to move to Rochester. I keep thinking that if I did apply for other jobs I would get offered one and then have to accept, only to find out the very next day that I have gotten the other, only to have to quit the one I just got. But then again, wouldn't it make sense to hurry up and get a new job so that I can get the other job sooner? Well, I think that makes sense but if I actually went and got a job then the plan wouldn't work and I woudln't get the other job and I would be stuck with a crappy job that I don't like. So think again....

Truth be told, I am lazy. It's so much easier to sit around and wait for this other job to come through. I might be fooling myself thinking that I can get it but I have a friend who is selling me to the company and I am CSHer, which is a definite bonus with this company. So I am perfectly content to sit on my ass and do nothing until the time comes...but when the hell is it going to come? I am anxious to start a new life! I wanna move and I wanna be closer to all my friends!

MarilynM and I went to high school together. I won't even mention how long ago that was but let's just say our ten year reunion is creeping up on us awfully quickly. We kind of lost touch atfer graduation and I never realized that she was living/working in Rochester too until I moved back here. Shortly after I moved back she moved back as well and we have become closer friends than we ever have. She is in Rochester for three weeks and I am so damn bored it's insane! I can't believe how little there is to do here! I thought it was bad enough when she was in town, we never really seemed to know what to do, but I have been reduced to hanging out at The Outback Steakhouse and Applebees by myself, drinking. It more than kind of sucks. So Marilyn, pack your shit and get your ass back here! I know you're reading this! And for God's sake, stop having fun without me! Ok, that last part was just a little selfish...

I get picked on because my day logs are so long. Well, you don't even know the half of it. This is nothing. I write my daylogs after I have already told 3,000 people my whole day's experience in great detail, which reminds me, I also saw the Stevie Nicks Behind the Music last night. I had forgotten how much I enjoy her music.

I'm so uninspired, not to mention tired. I thought it would be a good idea to start a journal/notebook type thing to help inspire myself. I decided I would write down how I spent my money every day, what I ate, how much I slept and how much I worked. My biggest goals right now are to have some money, lose some weight and get better sleep. Hence, the lists. I just started this last night and I filled five sides of paper with the details of my life, in list form for Friday and Saturday. I spent way too much money. But I did pay my car insurance bill and I paid it early which is seriously a first for me. In fact I paid it a week and a half early but since I usually wait to pay it until two days before the cancellation date, I actually paid it almost a month early! yeah me!

i have noticed a pattern in my sleeping. Although it appears to be erratic there is actually an order to it, in an odd sort of way. I don't have a pattern as far as the time I go to sleep is concerned, but I did notice that one night I will get 12 hours of sleep, the next 3, the next 14, and the next I won't sleep. Then I will go back and start all over at the 12 hour mark. Kind of strange isn't it? I would really like to do something about that though, I need more regualar sleep. I can't remember my dreams anymore. And I only got 3 hours of sleep last night so I am yawning like crazy as I type this. And I just fell asleep so its time to go!
I had such a shitty weekend.

Drove two and a half hours to Ann Arbor to see my boyfriend, but he spent all his time with his band and sleeping. I was left at his apartment, alone, for four hours. I had to resort to stealing a piece of rye bread from one of his absent roommates instead of getting lost looking for an ATM so I could get some fast food. I did my homework, which I could have as easily and more comfortably done in Holland and spare the driving time. I speant more time with Nick and Schmoo playing video games than with Aaron. Needless to say, I was pissed.

When Aaron finally walked in the door around eight in the evening, I was drawing on a paper grocery bag out of lack of anything worthwhile to do. Nick and Schmoo had gotten home a moment before, and they were happily eating their Subway dinner. I ask Aaron if we can go get something to eat, since all I have had is some bread. He says "after I take a nap."

I drove home in the pouring rain early this afternoon, got lost twice, and regretted the whole expirience.

Ok, so I'm here, finally at University in a big scary city with big scary classes. And I love it. Fun. Laughing. Strange feelings of being constantly surrounded by people yet always essentially alone. This is really no change from the way things normally are, but I guess it's just more apparent here.

This is the first time I've been online in a week. I have no internet access yet (I am presently at a library being stared at by middle-aged Toronto men), and I just got my phone hooked up yesterday. Strange feelings of being cut off from civilization but essentially in tune.

Fuck, I love it here. I love my room. I love my roommate even though I thought I was going to get a single. I love my building even thought it's old and the bathrooms smell funny on Sundays. I love my new city and the fact that I am way the hell inside it, not stuck out in sububia listening to lawn mowers. I could do without the ambulances outside my window, but I guess I love them too.

I wish I could write more, but people are staring at me funny.

I need a break.

Ok so here I am in my room in the Sheraton in LA. I have purchased net access through the hotel room TV and I'm now trying to get the hang of noding with a remote control instead of a mouse.

So anyway I woke up this morning, picked up my bags and headed off to the airport 2 hours before my flight like a good little international jetsetter. When I got there I was told the flight was delayed three hours. They gve me a voucher for a free lunch but somehow the novelty of that palled after 5 hours hanging round in Melbourne airport.

On the plane I was seated next to a family going on their first visit to the states, and I gathered their first holiday outside of the country. I tried to appear a little enthused so that I didn't put the dampeners on their great adventure but it didn't really work. The father looked at me and said 'All in a days work for you eh?'. He was right of course. Ive done this before. A lot.

So eventually we touch down in LA, roughly 5 hours before we left. It has always seemed to me to me a little unfair that you spend so long cooped up in a giant flying metal tube but according to the calendar that time didnt exist. If 14 hours in a 747 wasnt so close to what Imagine purgatory would be like I'd do this every day and live forever. (TWAJS)

I deplaned and weaved my way unerringly across LAX, through customs, outside and onto a shuttle to the Sheraton. I have done this before.

Of course this would be the last time if I take one of the job offers I am considering ( see previous daylog). Over the last 24 hours I have found myself leaning towards taking the offer from the small Australian based firm who specialise in OO and Java etc. It would mean no more company paid trips around the world, and it would also involve taking a quite sizeable pay-cut but Im starting to think maybe the work might be interesting enough to make it worthwhile. I am still waiting for a formal offer from the other large international firm I am negotiating with and of course for my present employer to present me their effort to entice me to stay. I'll never know what each option would really be like until I take it. All decisions involve risk. I guess I'll see what happens.

So for now, here I am in this hotel room halfway across the world with that strange feeling of dissasociation that comes with travel. I hope that eventually it will transform itself into perspective.

Kung's US day logs prev next
I slept til noon. ophie woke me up. We went to Target with loki and rogerb. We were suppose to go to a craft fair, so I could meet ophie's real life sister.

We went to lunch at this mexican restraunt. They made me wear a huge red velvet sombraro, while they sang "Happy Birthday". I cringed. For my birthday, ophie gave me one of those new Polariod cameras that takes sticker pictures. After we took pictures I packed up my suitcase. She and loki dropped rogerb and I at the train station.

Rogerb and I took the Amtrak to Penn Station. That took forever.. by the time we arrived it was officailly my birthday.

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