So now basically my life sucks.
Maybe I did a bad job. But I always tried to make her
happy and do the right thing by her. Whenever we argued,
she would use insults and call me names and tell me to
fuck off. I tried to never retaliate with personal
attacks against her. I could have tried insulting her back,
but I kept my upsets focused on her tendency to always
have arguments and that I didn't like how she would get
belligerent. I never once ever tried to make a personal attack against her. Maybe she got more insulted when I'd complain that she caused an argument, and that I was bothered by herinstability and how it would make her periodically grumpy and complicate things whenever I tried to show her a good time. Maybe she hated how I'd get grumpy too in response to that. But I never told her to fuck off, or go jump off a bridge, or anything. I kept trying to fix things instead, trying as best I could (which wasn't usually good enough) to cope with her mood swings and look for a way through them.
I never wanted to hurt her back when she hurt me because I cared so much for her feelings and didn't want her to ever feel bad because of me.
During sex, I always made her pleasure the top priority. I didn't need to seek my own physical pleasure, because the mental pleasure that I derived from her being with me was already my ultimate high.
It's just whenever she needed time, she expected me to just give her time and space absolutely, entirely on her terms, with no concern whatsoever for what it did to me always filling me with fear and uncertainty about our relationship. I think I once managed 5 months of that without bothering her too much. But it was the hardest 5 months of my entire life.
And when I got her back, I guess I suffocated her with my joy and anxiousness to recover from those 5 months. And in my excitement, I always tried too much in the wrong way to establish whatever lacking connection had caused that 5 month split. She felt I didn't listen and I didn't really know enough about her, and that I didn't have enough depth. So what did I do? I always asked her what she was thinking. Always asked her about herself. But I didn't know yet what the right things to ask were. She must have taken that as proof that we didn't connect, and then when she'd say nothing in response to my questions and I tried to foster discussion she'd interpret that as me blurting in with my own stories and not having an interest in hers. I couldn't communicate anything to her.
And perhaps that's why she never really loved me. She never felt she could communicate with me. I think she was attracted to me enough to wish once that she could communicate with me. I think maybe she's decided that it's failed too many times, and that indicates to her it'll never happen.
Or maybe she didn't love me because she never found a passionate roller coaster ride sort of feeling in our relationship. But that was because I respected her and didn't want to presume I could just take her now and then without first ensuring I had her consent. Because I knew she didn't feel right with me, and I wanted to fix that first. It was just because I cared too much and didn't want to take advantage of her, not that I couldn't show passion.
And so I sit here wishing I knew how to communicate with her. And wishing that she could remember her initial desire to do so, because everything leading up until the communication intrigued her. There was an amount of superficial chemistry, but she just never found what she wanted below.
And now I sit here as a fuck up because I missed my chance with perhaps the most wonderful person I'll ever know. I did hear her. I loved what I heard. I just didn't know what to say in return. And now she's given up on me. Any attempts to try honestly to understand what went wrong and how I need to improve are gone along with all hope of being able to try again.
She said that if I kept asking for her to try, or kept trying to understand, or kept expressing hopes of figuring her out that she'd interpret that as a selfish attempt just to satiate myself with no regard or concern for her well being. And I don't like that it seems true, because how can she trust from my past failures that I had good intentions but am just not emotionally developed enough to do so properly without more nurturing than she ever offered me?
It pains me that she flitters through life seeking out what I hoped to have with her, always being disappointed because nothing ever just magically works out right away. She finds the emotional connection, but not the physical. Or she gets desperate enough to stomach a lack of the physical with someone hoping to find enough of the emotional to offset that, only getting disappointed in the end.
I just wish she'd think back to when she cared about me, and reflect on how good I was for her physically and materially. And I wish she'd realize that I'm not emotionally wrong for her, but rather I'm just a blank slate who doesn't know how to fill myself in with what she wants. But that I do recognize what I want to be, and it's what she wishes I was. And I don't know how to get there.
And now I can't try. Now she has no respect for me and hates me. And threatens to devastate me further than I already am if I ever express any desire to her for more help.
I don't want to wait a year or something for her to HYPOTHETICALLY give me another chance out of desperation in her own life, only to have me fail again so miserably. I wish she'd compromise and keep me at a distance, but not totally away, to let me: 1) make things up to her however she feels is best for bothering her recently, and 2) slowly and patiently see if she can't teach me whatever it was I was always missing. In the meantime, I wallow. Praying for her to reconsider and give me a very small, carefully controlled chance.
I mean: Yes! I don't understand you! That doesn't mean I never can, though. That doesn't mean I'm incapable of it. I'd be a great guy for you if I ever did, though. I just wish I could try with the proper help.