Once upon a time, at the eastern fringes
of the Everythumbria's sprawling black pine forests
, where sentient trees
are locked in a epic (and evenly matched) battle with the woodcutters
, there lived another princess. A very beautiful princess. She thought her nose
looked kind of funny
, and that her thighs
were a little too rubenesque
, and maybe if she got her hair
cut it would make her look more sophisticated
, but she was dead wrong about these things. She was in fact a very beautiful princes exactly the way she was. Many princes courted
her, but they really didn't do it for her. Yes, technically
, they were princes, but not the kind that rode about on white horse
s or slew dragon
s. Mostly these were bland young aristocrat
s who were more interested in talking about huge tracts of land
, their trust fund
s, and court intrigue
. How romantic
. So, during one royal ball
, she quietly slipped away and went for a walk among the towering black pines. When she was a little girl
, she used to disappear
into the forest with a nice thick book
. She would sit under the sweeping black limbs of an exceptional
and old pine
that overlooked a lilly pad
Oh oh. Heeere we go...
d the pine Firgenpoogle. She still went there when she needed to be alone
for a while. The pine was so old and wise
that it had learned to talk. Being a pine, even an old and wise one, it didn't have much to say, though. Mostly stuff like "sure is quiet
out here, huh
?" and "those squirrels
sure are funny, huh?". The princess learned not to bother having conversation
s with the pine.
"A bird just poop
ed on me." sighed the pine.
" said the princess noncommitally.
She noticed some movement in the vicinity
of the lilly pad.
Ah, so few stories, so many ways to tell them...
It was a heron
taking off. "Caaaw" cried the heron.
plopped into her lap
. She looked down with a start, and what did she see but a tree frog
"Rrrribit! Ahem, pardon me madam
. That fly
didn't agree with me."
"You talk!" said the princess.
"Yeah, well. This is Everythumbria, and ever since the peasants killed
Dr. Genekenstein and dumped all his magical potion
s into the Bendyback River, damn near everything
around here talks at least a little bit. Even trees
"Is it me, or does everything here smell pine-fresh
? Huh huh huh" said Firgenpoogle.
"So, do you have a name?"
"Yes, my name is Al. What's your name?"
"Fibian. Fibian the amphibian
, I guess." said the frog with a self-deprecating smirk
. "Al's a funny name for a lady
. Is it short for Alexandra?" he added.
"Actually, Altagracia. When I was a child, I couldn't pronounce
it, and most of everyone else can't either, so I go by Al. I kind of like it-- it's unpretentious
. Also, the court butler
is named Al, and I love him to pieces. He's like a grandfather
to me. It would have been much harder growing up
"So even princesses have rough childhood
s, I guess."
"You don't know the half of it. For one thing, my grandparents
on both sides died before I was born. My father was never home
, because he was out fighting in the Senseless Wars
. My mother was busy all the time, having to run the kingdom
all by herself. I was raised by servants."
"I know how tough that is. I've been through some of that myself. I hatched
with two hundred of my brothers
in that lilly pad over yonder. I never met either my father or my mother. We all swam around dodging snapping turtles
until we grew legs and scrambled on over to the trees. Most of us never made it. The ones that did... we were so close
to each other! We had spent so much time struggling to survive together
, we could almost read each other's minds. We had all these inside joke
s, mostly gallows humour
, and none of the tadpoles
from the other brood
s could understand them. And we couldn't understand theirs. We swore to keep in touch
, get together
now and then, and for the ones who make it in the tree tops
to help out the less fortunate
ones. You know what? We never did. Oh, we had a couple of half-hearted reunion
s, but everything was different. We had grown apart
. Our wet, slimy
, innocent idealism
was gone, replaced by a slightly moist protective layer
. I never knew my first family, and lost touch with my second one. But I'm not complaining. I'm healthy
, I'm successful
, and I'm in the prime of my life
. The world
is my dung beetle
. But I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lay all that on you."
"On no, don't worry, I thought that was fascinating
"So, um, did your father... I mean, did you ever, um, get ot meet your father again?"
"Oh yeah, he survived and came home. Physically
"He came home, with a peg leg
and a hook
for an arm. I was five when he left, and fourteen when he came back. He wasn't anything like I remembered him to be, and I was afraid to hug
him because of his hook arm. I mean, I did hug him, of course, but it felt totally awkward
and I'm sure he felt that too.
"He never said much. Mostly he sat by the fireplace
, writing in his journal
, and brooding
. One day, I came home from school
, and he wasn't there anymore. His horse was gone from the stable
. His armor
, his weapons
, his favourite books
were all gone. I knocked on the door of my mother's study
, and she invited me in.
"She was sitting very straight
, not one wrinkle of her royal mantle
out of place. Her voice was low and calm
. Which probably meant that she had been in there crying
her eyes out all afternoon
has decided to leave, sweetheart
. He asked me to tell you that he loves you very much. So much that he cannot bear to tell you goodbye
"'Why did he leave?' I asked, in some kind of trance.
"'I don't know. I guess he just wasn't happy. He didn't want to be King of Everythumbria anymore.' She mused, her voice quavering
just a little.
"'He still loves us. M-maybe someday he'll come back.' She said and looked away."
"So, did he?" asked Fibian.
"Not so far." sighed the princess. "Not so far. And, you know what the worst part
is? Having to put on appearances
. The court, the people
... we had to be strong
for them. We had to be bright
, and put on lavish
balls, and go on as if nothing was wrong."
"Ugh. I'm glad I'm not royalty
The princess pointed to her nose and said "Bing bing bing!
Right you are."
So it went. The frog and the princess became friends, and confidants
. Like all princesses, she had heard all kinds of crazy stories
about frogs, and so of course she couldn't help fantasizing
about what would happen if she kiss
ed him. But how can you tell when a frog wants to smooch
"So, Fibian. Have you ever thought about smooching
?" she asked him one fine day.
"Well, I am after all a male
frog. I'd smooch anything under the right circumstances
, and you're quite pretty
for a human
. Especially when the light
falls just so
"Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh don't be that way. I was just playing. You are in fact the most beautiful creature
of any species
that has every grace
d this world with her radiance
"That's better" said the princess, appeased
. "So, back to the smooching issue
. Want to try it
, and see what happens
"Alright. But if there's anything
that makes you uncomfortable
, or whatever, speak up, okay? We've been friends for a while now, so whatever issues suddenly come up, we'll work through them. Let's not get all weird
on each other, deal
With a slightly trembling
hand, and more than a slightly pounding
heart, the princess picked up the frog and brought him close to her lips
. Up close, he was okay looking. He certainly had pronounced features
. Clean shaven
, as all frogs are by nature
, except the bearded frogs the Misty Marshes. Also, he had no hangups about making eye contact
, and his gaze
. This frog knew how to keep his cool
, and that's something Al liked in any man. She wondered what kind of handsome prince
he would turn into. Would it be a muscular, heroic, Sir Henry Rollins
type of prince? Or the willowy
Lord David Bowie
variety? Fibian blinked, expectantly. She gently let his cool froggy snout
press into her lips. She realized that a fun
thing about kissing someone so much smaller
than herself was that she had full control
over it. She could make it as quick or as prolonged
as she wanted. She parted her lips slightly and ran her tongue
over what lips he had. He in turn slipped his tongue into her mouth, and it was so long it made her gag
"Hey, wath ith!"
"Sthorryth." said the frog, and backed off with the tongue a bit.
So the kiss continued for a long, long time. The sun
had moved accross the sky
noticeably by the time their mouth
s were so sore they couldn't continue any longer. Which is to say, they both enjoyed the kiss immensely, all the more because they were sure somebody
them to do that sort of thing if only anybody knew.
Somehow in the process, the princess had taken leave of all her clothing
, which was lying at her feet in a big heap
. She also seemed to have lost weight
because the clothes were way too big to fit her now.
"Just what the hell
is going on, Fibian?!"
Fibian just stared a her, speachless
She blinked her nictating membranes
a few times and ran her webbed fingers
over her now smooth scalp
. "Oh god. No. Oh god oh god oh god. Please no." She hopped over to a rain puddle
beyond the reaches of the pine, and tilted her tiny torso
over to look at her reflection
. "I'm a... frog." she croaked.
"That's like saying the Mona Lisa
is pretty picture
, my love." said a deep, manly
voice behind her. "My dearest, you are the loveliest frog I have ever seen. You know how I said before how beautiful you were? Well, I was lying to make you feel good
, but now I mean it from the bottom of my two chambered heart
. You have such perfect
skin... such a symmetrical arrangement
. Your eyes... like two dark amethysts
set in your malachite cranium
. That gentle curve
of your lips. I didn't say it before for fear of sounding like a fool
, but I had a feeling about this. I had feeling that if I loved you enough... that I would find a beautiful frog
hiding inside that big
, awkward human. And now it came true! Our kiss transform
." she said.
, I see such a future
for us together... I am the luckiest amphibian in the world."
"Fibian, can you please now leave me the fuck alone
for a few minutes? I need some space, to figure out what the hell I'm going to do, okay?"
"Yes, sweetest. I'll be waiting for you with fluttering
But before long, she got used to her new life
, and even came to enjoy
it. It was, after all, heartwarming
to be loved so much, even by a frog, who on second glance was a handsome frog. Definitely one who could fertilize
of any she-frog he wanted, yet the only eggs he wanted were hers. That was just so sweet
, or rather biqual (biqual is the taste of a fresh bug, and the most delicious sensation
to a frog palate
). Besides, life among the pine bows was so much less stressful
than back at the castle
(RrrrRRibbit!) The End (RrrRRRrrribbbit!)
No story of mine is ever finished. No story on Everything2
ever is. That's the point. Have something to add, remove change? A different ending? A different beginning or middle? That's what the writeup box is for.