I watched this movie called "Sweethearts
" the other night.. Janeane Garofalo
and Margaret Cho
starred.. it was a black comedy.. to simplify the plot.. Janeane plays this bi-polar manic depressive
w/ rapid cycling.. she winds up involving this blind date in her drama.. and then he tries to play the white knight
. There is a line that sticks in my head.. he was asking her why she didn't think he could deal with her.. she simply replied.. "I've had 31 years to get used to dealing with me, and I am sick of it"
.. Ugh.. she went on to say people in her life seem to want to save her.. they over-romanticize her problems.. and want to be a hero.. she just wants to be free
. what a sick thing to relate to..
I notice my tendency to gloss over, and trivialize how I feel to others.. I use bad humor and razor-edged irony
to try to put others at ease.. while i am also trying to put myself at ease.. "if i can convince them.. i can convince myself.." I am not going to off myself or anything.. It just irked me.. the movie that is.. I do have a tendency to involve others in my web
.. partly because I don't know how to deal with it... but it isn't fair to them.. because I don't give any closure to the drama I open up.. I also don't give people the credit..
the credit that maybe they can help me.. or at least understand.. partly because I have been burned.. and partly because I don't understand myself.. It reminded me of something Jeff said about 2 years ago.. "You have all these problems you go on about, but you do nothing to fix them.. " He was right.. I mean.. I have solutions to the minor problems.. money, health, etc.. but when it comes to what is really wrong I am lost.. partly because I don't know what's wrong.. that sounds circular.. argh..
I see myself with this wall around me.. I don't think anyone can climb it.. I let some people.. people I see as safe.. my friends.. but when it comes to lovers.. I shoot them down before they even get to the ladder.. sometimes I don't let them know that it's a pointless effort.. and that is partly because I try to deny the fact. the lyrics from Juliana Hatfield
's "My Sister
" comes to mind.. "She's got a wall around her nobody can climb"
I watched "Fight Club
" last night too.. the last scene.. where Marla and Tyler hold hands.. and watch what he started.. they play a Pixies
song.. I had this theory that Marla Singer
was the embodiment of Sylvia Plath for this generation.. She lashes out.. she is "odd and quirky" in this plea for someone to listen to her.. She isn't willing to lay down in her misery.. I'm not sure if this is very healthy.. or not.. I'm on the fence in that respect..
I was considering re-doing my web stuff tonight.. I think I might.. whether I ever post it or not.. that is still to be decided..
I talked to Corey the other night.. I am lucky he can deal with my flaw of speaking the unspoken
.. I'm still not sure how I feel about saying what I did.. Some things are better left unsaid.. only because they can complicate things.. without any progress to be had..