Oooooh friends, this is indeed a glorious day. I have now in my posesion a beautiful machine. A machine that can work wonders far beyond any of our imaginations. I have in my possesion the fastest personal computer a civilian can own (without overclocking or dual processors, but don't bug me about details...). I have, today, aquired an AMD Thunderbird 1.433ghz processor and the glorious Abit KG7RAID motherboard with 256 megabytes of Double Data Rate SDRAM.

Generally, this would make one happy, no? Well, not today. This machine is giving me more hell about being fast than I can handle. First it failed to recognize my CD ROM/DVD-ROM/CD-RW (s). These it magically chose to recognize after about 15 reboots working with other crap. Then it wouldn't give me SOUND from the DVD player. This too has magically fixed itself over a few reboots. The current issue is this - right clicking on pictures suddenly stopped bringing up a menu with the option o save. Also, any attempt to copy a file is giving me an error message. As you can see, my internet works beautifully, so I'm not complaining there. For the most part, I love this machine. It is my baby, my pride and joy, my achiles heel as it were (for if it were destroyed, I too must surely perish). This is a lovely day.

I am considering switching over to Windows Me from Windows 98 second edition. I know the boot time is faster in Me, if anyone else knows any real changes, good or bad, please /msg me (/msg GKN) and tell me what you know.

Now for parts of real life. I spoke with Crystal, albeit briefly, a few hours ago. She was pleased that I scathe-mailed her ex-bf and suggested we go for sno-cones or something before I have to head off to school again (why sno cones I do not know, but I do not argue with a beautiful woman). Even the most depressing songs on my playlist seemed happy tonight. Things are looking up. Way up.

Sadly, I must return to school (UNT, Denton, 45 minutes from current residence) this Saturday. I wish I had a bit more time, but as Calvin says "We never have enough time to do all the nothing we want". For some reason, I have decided that I had best reset my body clock such that I wake up on my school schedual, and thus will be leaving you fine people in twenty minutes, so I'd best end this and vote a bit :)

/me misses reality...
Venk is in Ottawa for a week, and quiet kind of takes over the house in his absence. Things are improving, I think. I've been a lot more motivated as of late, and a little more confident. I've been doing a lot of cleaning, as well as bleaching and dying Jessica's hair. It's busy-work, and it's a form of meditation, if that doesn't sound too insane. I purge my demons while scrubbing old pots and mixing hair colours.

Things seem to be starting to coalesce, although I'm hesitant to risk jinxing it by saying so. We're by no means out of the danger zone yet, but I think the worst may be behind us. I'm employed now, doing club work for a promotion company.

All that remains now is to find a house that we can all live in, and begin the process of adjustment. If we can make it through that alive, I have little doubt that the city, if not the heavens themselves will bow and bend to our will.

It is the next two weeks that will decide, that will either bring us peace, or shatter us totally.

As of today I am renouncing my right to freedom.
I am renouncing my chance to be part of the 'best democracy in the world'.
I am waiving my rights to live the dream.
I am rejecting my roots in favour of an alien land.
Here from my comfortable seat in an English office I am putting the wheels in motion.
I have taken what will maybe be the first major decision of my life.
This decision also voids any previous plans I had. (more).

I am renouncing my American citizenship.

The events have conspired to this have been many.
My conscience will not let me rest whilst I am part of a system that violates my moral and ethical code in so many ways.
We cannot choose where we are born but we can chose where we want our children to be born.

"and a black crow snuck through a hole in the sky" Tom Waits

I had a rather bad day yesterday.

It started out innocently enough, the usual Monday grind into work, coffee and too many morning cigarettes. Gave the boss back his radar detector I borrowed for the Woodstock, NY trip, and started work. Then things started going wrong. Perhaps it was the fact that monotonous work and me don't match, but I felt my stress level rising through me like a tsunami. After the third time I said "fuck it" and stormed outside and kicked the shit out of an old freezer in the back parking lot. I went back in and grabbed my boss. Our conversation was short, with me saying I didn't know what was wrong, maybe it was me, but I couldn't take it anymore. So he let me go, from the 10 hour dayshift. Granted, he did offer me part time, but I have to see if he's serious, and not just placating an angry employee. On my ride home, I felt the stress melt out of me, like the tide returning from the shore. I buried the speedometer at 120 and flew back to the apato. And called mom.

Her first words were "It's okay, I know you can find something else. I knew something was wrong. Did you read your tarot cards?"

No mom, I didn't. Thanks for reminding me.

So now I sit here Tuesday morning, awake out of habit, and wondering what I shall do. If the part time works out, that's cool, so I have to find a day job, no big deal. It just always seems that right before I have to commit to all kinds of plans, I do something to make it exponentially harder for me. Rent is paid for the month of September, and I can always track down my IRS check (it's being sent to florida as far as I know, I never called the IRS and told them I moved. (as I try to do so now..voicemail HELL)

My room mate was very cool about it when I told him. He said look at it this way, it's a new chance to find a job you like. So we proceeded to get hammered on cheap beer and some bad weed he brought back from Arizona. Right on.

(finially got someone voice at the IRS, and now listening to some classical music over the nice)

So i find out that my check is being mailed Friday, and I can't stop it. So at least when I pull into to Florida the week after Labor Day, all I'l lhave to do is hope that my ex-roomate is still living there, and hasn't tried to cash it herself (laugh).

The lady at the IRS was more than helpful, and very pleasant. To tell you the truth, I think the stereotype of IRS employees is all wrong. I asked her about the fact of all the Rebate checks that will be floating in limbo, and she replied:

"You have no idea. There are millions of checks that will never get cashed, or found, because so many people move around".

Imagine that. The average check is going to be $300. And to think, if even only 1 million checks aren't cashed. Our tax dollars, in the form of a rebate, floating in post office limbo, gathering dust in corners of unchecked post office boxes...

"Two pairs of paints and mohair vest-I'm full of bourbon and can't stand up" Tom Waits

Ciao baby

Employees are not experts on their employers

Time for a daily rant.

I work in the IT department at It really doesn't matter where I work, though, all that matters is that my job is to install software and repair computers. I wouldn't need to know a thing about banking to do a similar job at a bank.

My pet peeve is this: all of my friends and relatives now expect that I can tell them how to get a job. "What sort of things get your resume noticed?" "I've got a resume up, how do I know who's looked at it?" "Can you recommend me for a job at Company X?"

It's not my job to know this. I don't run the web site. Hell, I install software for people without even knowing what the stuff does. I don't have to: my job is simply to install it. Running it is their problem.

You wouldn't ask the receptionist at Liberty Mutual how much insurance you should put on a painting you just purchased at an auction. And you certainly wouldn't ask that same receptionist to get you a better deal on your insurance. You'd ask them how to get to Mr. Smith's office. Ask me to fix your computer.

Recently, I've been hallucinating.

I don't take drugs of any description (because a) They cost money, b) I seem to not remember anything from the few instances when I have taken them and c) I’m constantly paranoid) which makes this all the more worrying.
Currently this involves small, dark shapes moving at the periphery of my vision (I'm not sure when or how, but I began associating them with those ravenous little bears from Kid A) and the sensation off my body being far more weighty than it is (as though it were made of lead) and the illusion of shaking).

I blame this for my inability to realise an earthquake was occurring for a good 15 seconds (a long time when you consider that most last about that long).
I only realised what was happening when I noticed bookshelves and curtains were definitely moving of their own accord, though It wasn't as though I reacted in the correct way.

I sat there.
In the middle of the room.
Marvelling at how the walls shook.

For some odd reason I seem to lack the instinct of self-preservation.

Later it was confirmed that there was an earthquake, a 7 on the Richter scale. It was centred 420 km North East of the coast of Gisborne, placing it perhaps 500-600 km from me (hey, I didn't take three years of Geography for nothing after all) and lasted for around a minute.

Aside from that the only occurrences of interest were:

My life is depressing.

Today was an interesting day. It began, as usual, with my awakening. Then I had to get dressed and go to work, at the KFC/Taco Bell in the neighboring town, as usual. Some days are slow and simple, and some days are freakishly fast and furious. Today was fast and furious. They had me manning the Taco line, as usual, and nobody, but nobody, was expecting what was about to happen, especially on a Tuesday morning which was typically pretty slow. A huge lunch crowd rolled in at around 11:30... thankfully I had it all set up at that point. The angry mobs were after little but my delicious Taco Bell items today, ruthlessly ordering Combo #13 after Combo #13, Mexican Pizzas, Taco Salads, and Bean Burritos, to name a few. And then, around 1:30, it stopped, and things slowed to a crawl. Phew. I was able to get the line nice and restocked by the time I left at 4, and out the door I went.

Tonight turned out radically different than I expected. I'd met this amazing girl online, through SparkMatch, only a week before, and we'd been talking to each other off and on. Her name is Nikki. She's really nice, really sweet, and pretty cheerful. I like that. Conversation is becoming tough between us lately, though, and neither of us are really sure why. But we did meet once before, in a nearby mall, and it was a rotten evening. Foolishly, foolishly, I agreed to let her bring a friend along. She had even said that it didn't matter either way, it was all up to me... and STILL I let her bring a friend along. The friend turned out to be a bitchy, skanky, ultra-materialistic, shallow little piece of hell. She acted like I was non-existent the entire night, and created an extremely uncomfortable vibe between me and Nikki... her being sorry she'd brought this crazy bitch along, and me being bored and irritated, yet feeling bad about Nikki being so upset. That was then.

Tonight, I called her at the exact time she told me to, 4:30. Right after I got home from work. She told me "Hey, I'm busy, I'll call you back later, ok?" And of course, I agree. 3 hours pass. No call. I go out, drive around aimlessly for a bit, then come back. For some stupid reason, that always seems to change things. I return to the house and call her. Busy signal. Grrrrr! I log on to Trillian, and notice a friend of mine from a neighboring town happens to be online. And she's a fun one, too! We've talked much about various stuff, and she's one of the few people I know in this area that's completely cool with casual nudity. I've been trying to get together with her to have some fun one of these evenings, but so far my luck had been shitty. I go for it, though, and ask her is she wants to do something tonight. YES! Yes yes yes! She agrees to meet me immediately, at the Subway restaurant! Finally, something good happens! We meet at about 8 PM, and she has to be home by 10:30. No sweat! I arrive and see some friends of mine working there, but she isn't there yet. I order myself a turkey sandwich and sit down to enjoy it. She walks in the door, then, about 10 minutes later. She's not the best looking girl I've ever seen, but looks don't matter. I like what I see, anyhow... she appears to be very self-confident, and very fun. She sits down across from me, and I say "hey!" and I finish my sandwich. Conversation is minimal, except for me commenting on what's on the radio. At least I got her to chuckle a few times! Then, I say "shall we go?" and we head out to my car.

The time is now 8:30, and the sun has set completely. We drive around a while, and I point out that I have no intention of driving around all night. She agrees whole-heartedly, thank god. Some girls I had been with before couldn't stand doing anything BUT driving around! We get out on the highway, and I suggest that we go out to a nearby park, just outside of town. The beauty of this park at the time is that the main road to it is blocked by construction, and the only way to get there is to use back gravel roads. Therefore, the place will be very empty. Perfect for a fun date. Bear in mind that I've planned out none of this evening's events ahead of time, and I'm making everything up as I go! It's going good so far. We arrive at the park and start walking around, and we play on some of the playground equipment. We go up and down on the see-saw, and I swing on the swings like I'm a little kid again. It's fun. We walk around the lake, which takes a good 20 minutes. The only thing that's bothering me about the evening is how short on words she is. Is she nervous? Is she shy? Is she bored? We do talk some, and we have some good talk about school, and a bit of philosophy to boot.

Eventually, we arrive back where we began, and we sit down in one of those bench swings. The kind designed for young couples and old people. We talk some more about school, which is a subject I'm able to get a good deal of refreshing conversation out of. Needless silence makes me nervous. I put my arm up behind her and ever-so-gently touch her shoulder, resting my hand on it, and very carefully note her response while we talk. She seems to not mind a bit, she doesn't scoot away or anything, so I go right ahead and put my arm all the way around her, and start rubbing her opposite shoulder. I do this for a while, and she seems to like it, so I touch her wrist and she turns the palm of her hand upwards, which I gladly accept. I rub her hand with one hand, massaging it and playing with her fingers, and keep rubbing her shoulder. I move my head very close to hers, and I run my fingers through her hair. It's soft and feels great. We've both stopped talking altogether at this point... all our communication is being done through touch now. I like touch better anyhow, actions seem to speak louder and more clearly than words. I decide to take the deciding step at this point, my heart fluttering nervously. I brush her hair aside, rub her face, and I kiss her on the cheek. Some think that kissing on the cheek is stupid, or pointless, or displays weakness. I love it. The kiss on the cheek brings back all the great memories of silly childhood romances, and pure innocence. A gentle kiss on the cheek is rarely percieved as threatening, and is actually seen as being quite cute and charming. I'm convinced that most girls love it. It's also a signal that says I'm ready for more, are you? She turns her head towards me and puts her lips against mine, and starts sliding her moist tongue around in my mouth. It always takes a few seconds for the fact to sink in, that I'm actually making out with a girl. I don't just sit there like a statue, I put my arm around her and rub the back of her neck, run my fingers through her hair, rub her shoulders, anything that I think would make this feel even more special. She touches me back. She gently rubs my back and arms, and every touch feels like an angel's touch or something... I quiver with delight just thinking about it. We make out for what seemed like forever at the time, such was the feeling of bliss. I have a hold of her hand, and she slowly takes my hand and moves it down and holds it against her chest. I gently cup her right breast with my hand, and I get an electrifying sensation. My vision shifts with euphoria. I gently rub for a while, and fondle her nipple with my index finger. She lets out a small sigh of delight, and moves her tongue around even more vigorously in my mouth. "Why stop here?" I think, and I move my free hand down to the bottom of her shirt. I begin to pull her shirt up, very deliberately and carefully, giving her plenty of time to stop me if she doesn't want this to happen. She makes no attempt to stop me, and I pull the shirt all the way up to her shoulders, exposing her bra. I move both of my hands underneath it and rub her actual breasts, with a simple psmile of unadulterated bliss] on my face. I flip up the cups of her bra, exposing her bare breasts to me. God, they're beautiful. From what I can see in the near-darkness, lit only by distant flood lights, they are beautiful breasts to behold. I don't stare at them too long, though, like the hormone-crazed teenager that I just might be. I look back up at her, directly into her eyes, and I smile a great big, genuine smile. I kiss her on the forehead, and then I move my hands back to her bra clasp. Carefully, I unhook her bra (which isn't too hard, even though I've never done it before!) She raises her arms high above her head, and I slid her shirt and bra off, and toss them onto the ground. She's topless now, and is a beautiful sight to behold, even in this near-darkness. I kiss her gently, and then I move my face down to her lovely breasts. Gently, I kiss her right nipple, and begin to suck on it and ]run my tongue around[ the outside of it. She lets out a sigh of delight as I continue to lick her nipple and rub her back with my other hands, which is obviously all making her very happy. I decide to take my shirt off too, out of fairness since it was a rather chilly night. She helps me unbutton it when she sees what I'm doing. I get my shirt off and then I hug her really, really close. The feeling of having so much of my flesh touching so much of her flesh is a thrill beyond what simple words can describe. I kiss her some more, and suck her nipples a bit more. Then I stop doing that for a while, and I sit back up beside her, put my arm around her shoulder again, and ask how she's doing. She laughs and says she's doing great.

I like this girl.

But, we look at her watch and unfortunately, it's about 10:15 PM. I point out that we ought to be heading back, and she agrees. We get in my car and begin the drive back into town, to her house. She puts her shirt and bra back on, and although it was dark and everything, I could tell she was smiling. Unfortunately, the ride home was rather quiet, although what small conversation we did have seemed very relaxed, and I did make sure that she was cool with everything that had just happened, and that I didn't make her uncomfortable at all. I hope she wasn't lying. We got back to her house, and I said "See you later!" and patted her on the shoulder. She smiles and says "Yeah. Goodnight!"

I drove home, listening to groovy 80's music. I had an amazing floating feeling as I walked into the house.

I think it's gonna be really hard to get to sleep tonight!

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