I had a boyfriend once. It was neat. It was new. He pulled me close in my hall and gave me the kiss had been wanting so badly. We had been growing closer and closer, talks that lasted all day, wanting to be close and not seperate at the end.

Later that week he came over and we fooled around on my couch. I was happy, and nervous, but it was awkward. I had never been with a boy before, never touched a penis like that, never tasted a man before.

The week after that passed and we saw each other online. I would message and say hi and he would talk for a bit. I tried to find real things to talk about but he would only do that in real life. We had another night together but again he left without spending the night. As the days went by I would notice him online and realize he never messaged me. I began to wonder. There was an unease in him both times we were together sexually. Something that left me with nagging doubts. When I talked to him he was all happy to see me but he would never initiate conversations. I time between visits grew but he was often to be found just down the road with hamster bong and herbman. I stopped messaging him, hoping he would care enough to notice. But, he didn't.

Time continued to pay in it's own inevitable way, and conversations with a wonderful girl became more flirty, and then I met her in person and had my heart swept away.

I messaged him. "so babe, like, this whole you me thing... kinda just petered out didn't it."

"Crap. I don't think so..."

He was so sweet and I think I honestly could have fallen in love with him so I gave him a second chance after he apologized for being a shit and not giving me any attention, not even reading my nodes.

With fingers crossed I set him back into the world hoping this time he would come back to me. That was two weeks ago. Today I found out from a friend that he was in a car accident last night with his lover, who is still in the hospital. He has been online all day today but never said a word to me.

So today I officially say goodbye jared. This relationship ended a while ago... but a little piece of me still held out hope. Yesterday I saw someone who looked just like you from behind and my heart skipped a beat. I think it would today too.

I hope we find each other as friends again, because I would hate to lose you from my life.

martin, you suck.
I told myself I'd do some studying today, and I really beleived it.

Ha!

For a start, I didn't get up until 11.30. And I messed around on the computer for a while, and it was 2pm before I got dressed and had my lunch. And then I thought I'd have a listen to the recording I made off the radio of the Stereophonics gig last night. But I ended up going through the whole thing and putting new track starts and song titles at the appropriate places on the minidisc so that I could skip straight to a song.

Just before 5, I have a quick snack, and then start playing Snake for a while. Shortly after, I go and have a look at my email. And log onto e2.

And now it's just gone 6, and I still haven't done any studying. I've had three weeks so far. My exams are in just over seven days. I still can't concentrate.

I am nowhere near impressed.

studying tips would be greatly appreciated...

He came bearing a briefcase, wearing a smart tie and loaded with questions. He left with silvery, shiny answers which he stuffed in his pockets. That man is ravenous for ideas. When people feed him he is happy. His head bobs up and down excitedly. He grows flustered and agitated. His brain starts discharging static.

He met (with) four eminent scientists during his short stay and now he is sated. Now my project is set for the next few months. He feels I have been slacking off. He says I've lost some direction. Now I've been pointed in the right way.

Questions are his beautiful scenery and answers are his masterful oil paintings. He is my Phd supervisor.

Today, my mom and grandparents came to visit me at college. It was ok for the most part. I got lectured for what seemed like forever about positive thinking and convincing myself that I am successful, professional, attractive, etc, etc, etc. I have a hard time convincing myself of these things when I think about what my grades are going to be this semester...I'm kinda scared. I'm also scared that engineering isn't right for me. When my mom and I came back to my room after dinner and we were talking, I just started crying. It almost seemed for no apparent reason, but I have all these uncertainties and doubts that I've been pushing away for a semester and a half that just kinda rose to the top today. But at least I have a plan now. Next semester I'm taking a class that if I enjoy it, then engineering is going to be ok, but if I don't then I need to get out. So this summer I'm going to look into another school that has a fine arts major, take a flying lesson, try to find a part time job as a photographer (probably in a Wal-mart studio), and basically figure out what I'm going to do....
Besides which, my grandma wanted me to date, so now I'm dating and she doesn't like it...I think she wants me to be dating 15,000 guys, because that's what she did. But I don't want to date 15,000 guys..I'm happy with one. Besides which, I *can't* date that many guys even if I wanted to...because there *aren't* 15 guys who want to date me.
The last night of our performance...

As a final farewell, I invited everyone over to my apartment tonight for a cast party. Slight alcohol and crunchy snacks abounded... it was a very good ending to a play that was more than wonderful. Pardon me for being verbose, but I'd just like to say something about our cast-- we are amazing. Egos aside, we really are. We can all really act, we all remember our lines, our blocking, and most of all, we can find our light. We rock! This is the first cast I have ever worked with, so maybe I'm just new to this whole experience, but... I can't believe how well all of us bonded, and how well all of us were able to carry out our scenes under pressure. Anyway, as for our small cast party-- 20 people stuck in a space no bigger than a slightly oversized dorm-room... but it all worked out, and everyone loved me for opening my house up, etc, etc, etc. As my final speech, I toasted everyone, and said: "I moved to Baltimore not knowing anyone... I had no friends, and the occasional outings I would go out on included false friendships and false goings-on; I was desperate to include myself in campus activity, and I was desperate to meet other people and get me out of my house. Finally, I saw a sheet of paper on the wall... it was a sign-up sheet for auditions for the spring play. I was sure I wouldn't make it, but for all intents and purposes, I tried out anyway. Yes, I only got a role of nine speaking lines, but I was a PART of this cast as much as the next person... and over time, I got out of my house every single night, and I came to be so busy with all you new people that I couldn't see straight. You guys are my friends.... you guys are the best (okay, the only) cast that I have worked with, and for that, I will be forever in debt. Thankyou for getting me out of my house, and giving me lasting friendships and memories that I will take to the grave...." I got a standing ovation from all that attended my very intimate party =). I will miss all of them, but I know that with all that we've been through, there is nothing between us and greatness, and we will always remain friends for life. Even if Lauren did forget her picture of the turtle!!!

I accompanied my boyfriend, my sister, and three of her friends to the Poteet Strawberry Festival here in Texas. It's a time for arts & crafts, funnel cake, carni-folk, and that delicious fruit known as strawberries.

We got there around 1:00 CST, and the nice folks who drove the tractor gave us a ride from the parking lot to the venue. We walked around the various booths. There was your standard carni-fare: World's Smallest Horse!, Three-Headed Woman!, and the man with his monkey. We stopped at a particular pavilion that had 4 tigers and 2 cubs. They let people take their pictures with the tiger cubs for only $10. This was probably the most depressing part of the day. Seeing the cubs growl and try to get out of being held by countless numbers of strange people while they get the flash of a camera in their eyes every few minutes or so. Almost gives a person the urge to open the fence where the big tigers were and see what would happen to the people trying to hold the cub. Almost.

My boyfriend and I had a funnel cake. While we were tearing this sweet peice of confection apart, the wind started blowing, getting the powdered sugar all over both of us. Our pants were dotted, it looked like we had gotten in a paintball war with mini-guns and only white paint. We walked through the games, avoiding such calls as, "Ladies get the first shot free!" and "Men, let me show you how it's done! Win a prize for your lady!", and made our way to the rides. My sister and I rode a few of them. The scariest was the one that flipped us a few times, backwards and forwards, and made creaking noises while doing so. Very baad creaking noises. Not very comforting when you're putting your life in the hands of a cold, creaking machine. I also bungee-jumped for the first time (See also The All-Purpose, Carni-Folk, Slingshot Bungee).

We left the festival, and proceeded back to one of my sister's friends' house for a bar-b-que. We were all sunburnt and tired by this point. And mostly just talked light conversation and gave attention to her friends' 5 cats. They played country music, and I haven't listened to country since I was a little girl. It's a rare thing indeed. But I learned that it's actually not so bad when in the company of your significant other and aquaintaces which you hardly know. It mysteriously offers up a friendly environment.

Ah, I'd say the day was good. And I'd say more about it were I not so tired and sleepy. The food was good, the company was pleasant, and I'm left with some happy memories and a really bad tanline.

I had a great weekend. I went to Berlin to visit a friend of mine, and beside beer-drinking and cigarette-smoking we finally managed to get his VHS to cooperate with his PC's TV Card, so we finally could grab Aldien 5, a no budget movie we made at school and encode it as DivX ;) (remember: you always have to smile when saying DivX). I'll translate the script to english tonight (producing ther first written script for the movie ever, as we wrote it while filming).
It's roughly about aliens coming to earth to buy beer, completely senseless and just great fun.
I'll post the script and a link to the download page in a yet-to-be-created ALDIEN 5 node.

Last night, in anticipation of a Star Trek movie, I tuned into the scifi channel, which I used to love before it was acquired by USA Network and destroyed.

Alas, I tuned in an hour early, and was watching John Edward. The man claims to be communicating with the dead, but he did nothing that would confirm his claim.

I find it offensive this nonsense is aired on scifi channel. It has nothing to with science! Indeed, I view it as Christian propaganda: You must have the Judeo-Christian viewpoint to believe that communication with the dead is possible. Otherwise, you either believe there is no continuation of life after death (hence no communication is possible) or you believe in rebirth/reincarnation which means the dead do not stay dead so, again, there is no one to communicate with.

I have emailed my disgust to scifi channel before, and was not considered worthy of a reply, but I decided to, once again, send them an email. A copy follows:

The scifi channel used to be my favorite channel back when it really was a scifi channel.

Alas, once USA network has bought it, it destroyed the scifi channel, and turned it into a Christian Propaganda Network. It brought us shows about a cop sent back to Earth by the Devil, something no scifi fan believes in. Now, it is showing us the conman named John Edward. I happened to watch that show tonight by mistake. What on earth is nonsense like that doing on a SCIENCE fiction network? And what is the nonsense about opening your mind and accepting that said conman communicates with the dead? All through the idiotic hour, John Edward did absolutely NOTHING that resembles communicating with the dead at all. If anything, he somehow connected with the unconscious minds of his audience and read from them things that their long deceased family, friends, and pets (sic, for crying outloud!) did before they died.

Please, stop lying to us. Change your name to Psy-Fi, and let someone else bring us a real sci-fi channel.

If, by some miracle, I receive a reply (other than the autoresponder), I shall post it on the day I receive it, and will add a hard link here.

[ Dream Log ]

14:40

(Goddamned "Zero Sized Reply And The Dark, Amazing Mystery of Lost Form Data"... I hate my ***ng ISP. I really, really, really hate this.)

Last night, I played more of the Baldur's Gate, hacked my way through the gnoll fortress, saved the damsel in distress and said goodbye to Minsc - already... =(

About 3 or 4 YASDs in Nethack

Had dreams... about dreaming, and about BG. Too bad I can't remember the details.

Today? The best is yet to come.

16:18

Okay, now I remembered more details, enought to make a node about the dream =)

21:29

The Intttter Nettt was problematic. Again. =(

22:00

Tried to invent a GURPS character generation program but I think I didn't felt like doing that anyway, someone else probably has made an equivalent program... =(


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: LADSPA Finnish tongue twisters Dream Log: April 9, 2001

Updated: Nodes about Finnish language

Well, I can safely add one more item to the list of stupid things I've done.

Our story starts Christmas Day, 2000. My lovely wife got me Lego Mindstorms. With all the restraint of a six year old, I tore open the box and started looking at the pieces. After a quick visual scan, I noticed I was missing a piece. No biggie. I'll just take it back to the store and exchange it. We were leaving for Florida in a few days, so it would have to wait until we got back.

Fast forward to this last weekend. I finally got around to pulling the Mindstorms box off the shelf and taking another look at it. I was doing a quick check of the contents to make sure all the pieces that were there at Christmas time where still there. Poking around a bit, I lifted the RCX out of the box for the first time. Of course, the piece that I thought was missing was hidden under the RCX.

I felt just like Grover at the end of The Monster at the end of this Book.

Oh, I am so embarrased...

Let's play a little game today. I'll give you the facts and you decide what's the best answer.

Here's the facts:

Ok, let's say you've known this girl for three months. You're attracted to her, but you're not sure how she feels about you because she is shy and doesn't ever talk about her feelings. You hang out together a lot with friends and have had a few encounters together alone.

During the times you've been together, she has done the following:

  • Taken your hand, put it on her thigh, wrapped her arms around yours and put her head on your shoulder.
  • When about 7 of your friends shared a hotel room, you took the floor, but she invited you to lie in the bed with her. But even after you insisted that you're ok on the floor, she talks you into lying next to her anyway. Then after lying down for a minute, she puts her arm on top of you and rubs it across your chest a few times.
  • Taken your hand while riding a roller coaster and while walking through a park, and squeezing your hand back strongly when you squeeze hers lightly.
  • When you tell her how you feel about her and how she makes you so happy, she cries and tells you how sweet you are.
  • Leans right up against you when you're standing close, especially if you give her backscratches.

Now there's the facts, now the multiple-choice question. Choose what you think is the most likely answer.

Does she:

Feel free to /msg me your choice.

Maybe someone can look at these signals and tell me that I'm not crazy for thinking she was attracted to me.

It's almost time to go.

He gets up from his desk and shuts the office door. He takes off the daggy shorts and ancient t-shirt and throws them into the corner, on top of the crumpled sleeping bag. Reaching behind the door, into the suit hanger, he retrieves a dark purple shirt, a silk tie and the black suit pants and jacket. When said items are arranged on his body in the appropriate places, he loads his pockets with various gadgets, and tries not to smile while he slides on his sunglasses.

Okay, let's check it out

He goes to the mirror. Ensure the hair is framing the face properly, the sunglasses are straight, the tie is sitting just right.

Excellent.

As he exits the bathroom, a transformation occurs. What is it? The straightening of posture, the subtle tilt to the chin? The fluidity of motion that was lacking before?

He slips behind the wheel of his 280ZX and starts it up. Then he casually turns on the CD player. He settles into his seat as the bass thumpings of the song from the Matrix battle scene ripple into his back. He smiles slightly and the car tears off into the distance, towards yet another meeting.

... Being a software consultant rocks. At least, it does when you're also a programmer. The most incredible thing about my job is I think to myself "Heh, yeah, I'll dress up like an adult and saunter around acting like I know what I'm doing. I'll pretend to be this ultra-cool consultant dude and people will respect and obey me, and then pay me lots of money (sheesh, yeah right!)". And then it works!. The first few times I couldn't believe it. People actually buy this "hail me, the computer god!" act?

People have always gone on about the difference that a bit of confidence makes to how people treat you. I didn't really understand until I saw it for myself.

For me, this whole thing is the ultimate in poetic justice. I spent the entirety of my school life thinking I was the dork, the nerd, the one that nobody notices. But now, at the age of 19, the tables have turned well and truly. In the adult world, your worth is determined not by what you can contribute the school football team, but what you can contribute to the workforce. And, forgive me this small piece of juvenile behaviour, but:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Much better. Thus concluding my rant for the evening.

20:21

It can not be Monday today. I refuse to belive it. All the calendars must be mistaken - maybe there is a worldwide conspiracy behind this.
Want Proof?

All this is happens often on Thursdays. Even on a Tuesday every now and then. But on the most depressing and boring day of the week? On the weekday which marks the beginning of four and a half days dealing with bosses, customers and the alarm clock buzzing at an hour normal people should be sleeping? Unusual. Strange. Scary. Great.

So excuse me while I go and harness some of these weird vibes and produce something.

I've had an interesting weekend. Well, it was unusual because it was sort of spur of the moment. On Friday night (2pm-ish), my girlfriend asked if I fancied travelling to Watford and staying for a night. This sounded VERY tempting. The problem you see, was that it was my brothers birthday on Satruday, there could have been obligations.
Thankfully there weren't! At 5:30pm, I was £30 less and on my way to Watford.
Dinner consisted of pizza with the girl I love, and and very long hug. It made me feel loads better since I hadn't seen her for about a week. More hugs later and it was 8pm on Sunday and we had to say goodbye, my absolutely favourite word. Oh, well, I'll just have to wait 2 weeks before I get to see her again!

Back in Manchester, I couldn't get to sleep so I put a video on then went to bed!

Well I took a break from Daylogs for a bit... It is rather tough typing away with your treasures and tribulations with you although my eldest knows how to let daddy type.

Work is miles away from me right now. I'm sitting in the doorway of my in-laws office half on the deck and half wired to the wall... I need a wireless connection They live just outside of Hazleton, PA. Last night the deer came up to the house looking for corn. It's very quiet here. And I'm relaxing very nicely. except that my back has a pinched nerve and I have to get my doctor to work on it.

I've been thinking alot about a friend of mine who moved back to California she and I were EXTREMELY attracted to each other. I had the opportunity for a night of passion but I turned it down in favor of my marriage. My friend understood and so did my wife and no trouble came out of it. But I miss my friend and wish that she'd write me. Good friends are hard to find.

Went shopping in New Hope, PA on Saturday. Went to a place c

Well I took a break from Daylogs for a bit... It is rather tough typing away with your treasures and tribulations with you although my eldest knows how to let daddy type.

Work is miles away from me right now. I'm sitting in the doorway of my in-laws office half on the deck and half wired to the wall... I need a wireless connection They live just outside of Hazleton, PA. Last night the deer came up to the house looking for corn. It's very quiet here. And I'm relaxing very nicely. except that my back has a pinched nerve and I have to get my doctor to work on it.

I've been thinking alot about a friend of mine who moved back to California she and I were EXTREMELY attracted to each other. I had the opportunity for a night of passion but I turned it down in favor of my marriage. My friend understood and so did my wife and no trouble came out of it. But I miss my friend and wish that she'd write me. Good friends are hard to find.

Went shopping in New Hope, PA on Saturday. Went to a place called Le Chateau Exotique that sells fetishwear. Walked out less 500 dollars but plus a fabulous corset for my honey. Is it bad when you spend your entire bonus on sex paraphanalia? Although we didn't get to play that night we had a lot of fun taking pics and just messing around while the kids were away.

I do NOT want to goto work tomorrow. I have no billable work and I feel that things are just going to get worse.... alled Le Chateau Exotique that sells fetishwear. Walked out less 500 dollars but plus a fabulous corset for my honey. Is it bad when you spend your entire bonus on sex paraphanalia? Although we didn't get to play that night we had a lot of fun taking pics and just messing around while the kids were away.

I do NOT want to goto work tomorrow. I have no billable work and I feel that things are just going to get worse....

YIKES!

This online community is getting way out of hand. In actuality, everything is getting out of hand.....

I'm going to say a few things that I may very well regret as soon as I click on the idea button, but So be it.

Lemme start at the beginning, at least tell pieces of the first, then slide into where I actually enter it. Even I only know some of it, but being the information hound I am, I think I'm qualified.

What we're dealing with here is not your average intellect. We are not dealing with an average person's capability for love. This a land, a territory that does not keep with the natural laws of human nature. It may give you the creeps and you automatically hate it. It may make you glow and automatically love it. Either way, it is unavoidable.

I don't like judging, but occasionally, we all do it. I get flashes of raw anger frequently, and recently have been able to put that anger into words. I've also been able to put my understanding into words without sounding like I'm making excuses.

This is how I love thee:...and probably how others love and hate thee as well...

Do any of you know what a Level Five is? Could you read shortly after you turned one year's old? Did you ever stand up in elementary school and tell the teacher to fuck off? Did you have to go through a slew of therapists and medication before you were even ten years old? Did you get sent away to a school because of your behavior? Did your big Italian cop father toss you down the basement stairs? Did you learn to lie with your left eye twitching, because the truth was always more difficult to swallow? have you ever had to fight wih hard drugs? Did the cops bring you home under their arms on a frequent basis? Did you ever quit school so you could run all the way to California just to be with your true love at age sixteen, only to be sent back around the time of your eighteenth birthday with a felony on you record? Did people ten years your senior ever treat you like a contemporary when you were fourteen, 'cause god only knows you could keep up with them intellectually? Have you ever felt true abandonement enough times that you feel other people should get a taste of yours? Did you ever have that need to build yourelf up with objects and ideas so you could impress the pants off of anyone, so they'd be too busy to figure out what you're really made of? Did you ever have to deal with the pain of the day-to-day with a brilliant mind, a perfectly timed sense of humor, but an awkward sense of self and no idea what the hell the love is? And never forget that luck. The kind of luck that brings you to the top of everyone one moment, and lower than the dregs the next. And the is no responsibility to anyone, because what's the fuckin' point. No one feels any responsiblity to you. You see how many of these questions you can say yes to....and then you can bitch. And to think, this is just a taste.

I'm sorry if the path you have taken is a bit difficult. No one had the chance to tell you it wasn't. When you fall for someone made up of these times and experiences...expect pain, but choose to live through it. Don't expect them to make any sense, and expect yourself to suddenly NOT MAKE A DAMN BIT OF SENSE ANYMORE. Expect to want to heal them with everything in you, to bend them, guide them to what you believe is right and possibly comfortable. But they will never be comfortable, and you will have to accept that.

And they may be absolutely golden. In fact, they are, but you will get a chance to really measure your own mettle against these odds.

Tiff says they're "made of smoke". Heather says they're "enchanting, a pain in the ass" and their real redeeming quality is their "kick-ass family". Nee has removed almost all traces of them from her life, her site, refuses to comment, yet sends Christmas presents. Me? More than half of my being on this thing is solely due to them...more than half of my hurting is solely due to them....more than half of my being at all is solely due to them. There are more of us, and still, none of us makes any sense anymore. We lost some of those capabilities at "Hi".

No, the stress would not be knocked down to 75%. Because more would be made to fill that void. They are not content without stress. Perhaps I cause stress for them because I will no longer bend to their wishes. I am not compliant. I will not live my love life out of a book, and I will not settle. And I think they've finally realized that. I am dog-ass tired of chasing them...so I refuse to. Your stress is your own, however. Magic words do it for some people, they used to do it for me. I need action, not to be impressed, but as proof. Lies are just too easy.

It's been colored to look as if bad thing are always happening to them, and in many ways this is true. But they cause many problems for themselves, because naturally they are they're own worst enemy.

I'm not giving advice...at least I'm not trying to preach it. I feel like my words fall on deaf ears, however. I'm not trying to ruin anyone's party, I'm just calling it like I see it. THIS IS NO ORDINARY LOVE. Whether it's you, me, the next girl, the occasional guy. So there are no rules. There is no room for them here. I am sorry if things do not go as you planned...but my favorite saying in the world is "Now that I've planned out my life, I can't wait to see how it doesn't turn out."

Ugh. I'm getting sick of this place. My world as according to them has come crashing down three times on this thing. First time, the move in February, which apparently directly affected the second one. Then the "omigod it was all lies" in November. Now it's the "I'm still not the one" theory of March. I ain't asking for pity, and I'm not trying to be condescending either. All in all, a lot of this WAS worth it. They are special. Sometimes in that kind of 'rides the short bus to school' kind of special, but special nonetheless.

So communication is down. In all actuality, it is always down. If you wanna bask in the warmth of this, you gotta forget how to rely. And never let what they do affect your sense of self.They're more confused than you are.

Wow. What a wonderful weekend this was.

Saturday morning, I awoke to see bright sun outside, a marked contrast to the dingy grey March / early April Ohio sky to which I had become accustomed. When I stepped outside, I felt a sensation that I almost couldn't recognize... it was warm. Not just warm enough to leave the jacket home, but it was "springtime is here!" warm.

A quick dress rehearsal for my piece in a friend's afternoon recital let me out into gorgeous late morning sunshine and a short bike ride with a good friend. Back to the venue, played the hell out of the piece and was applauded for a couple of curtain calls. I know how bad this sounds, but it just feels so good to have people clap for me when I do something well.

Over to an all finger food meal at a local food co-op, ate fried cheese, samosas, artichoke dip, hummus, strawberries and chocolate, roasted tomatoes, and so much more stuff...

At night, played a party with my band, and had a positively euphoric experience. I realized that making music with friends makes me happier than anything else in the world. To be able to do my absolute favorite thing, and have other people enjoy it as well... damn, it makes me all tingly.

Sunday afternoon, went to pick up a friend from the airport. On the way back, stopped at a homemade ice cream stand, and ate an ice cream cone in the shade next to a waiting-to-be-sown corn field.

Hung out with a new friend, who's really cute and smart and creative, and thought maybe that she thinks I'm cute too.

In the evening, I finally got around to fixing up my bike so it runs smoothly, stops quickly, and is more quiet. Wrote some music, and went over to the new friend's place, and stayed until very late...

Alright, Everythingians, I've been holding out on you: for the past two weeks, I've been temping at a child health lobbying organization. It's just office work, and it's allowed me to do a bit of noding on the sly. Anyway, I walk in today, sit down and my supervisor (the other full-time staff person) offers me the job I've been temping at. Being otherwise underemployed, I accepted.

My new boss is stepping out and offered to pick me up a sandwich, it will be turkey and provalone on rye with everything but mayo, as I node it.

oh decisions, decisions, decisions...

I'm trying to decide at the moment what I want to do with my university career. I enjoy what I'm studying, but the problem is that I just can't do any of it. I don't feel capable of studying, and especially incapable when it comes to taking exams. I've already had to resit one year of my degree, and I'd really like to just get a degree. Problem - I don't think I can do it. I've had 4 modules this year for my course, and if it comes to taking exams in June I think I might manage to pass maybe one, or two but badly. I definitely don't think I can pass all of them well. Of course, if I pass but with low marks then the university will be hesitant about letting me onto Honours.

I want to do an honours degree, and then a PGCE so I can teach, I can do a PGCE without honours first but I'd like to do it. There's a huge but though...

If I stop now, and withdraw for a year, to come back and take just exams next year then will I feel the inclination to do it in 12 months time? If I try to pass and I fail will I feel worse?

Basically it all comes down to a question of motivation. If I knew I could do it now then I would, but I don't have the confidence. It's extremely irritating as I know that I am capable of doing it, I just can't right now. I think I'm going to have to email my Director of Studies, even though I don't particularly like him, and ask him what he would advise me to do - seeing as how it's his job to do things like that.

Thanks for listening, I know I'm just rambling a bit but we're allowed at times :) Trying to think through family stuff as well, but that can wait for another rant...

i left work early today.. early for me, anyway.

i sat on one of the rare A trains that goes directly to my stop and stared out the window, working on a w/u in my head of some of the sights along the way.

as i left the station, i heard the sounds of a protest.

Hey hey, ho ho, sex and smut have got to go!

a group of mostly old people were gathered around the local independent video store, protesting the sale of sex toys and porn. according to a report in the local newspaper, the protest has been going on for weeks now. the shop has already bowed to some demands, moving the 'smut' to a back room and allowing only adult access. but it seems that even the thought of some people getting their rocks off with outside assistance was a threat to these people. a young cop was standing by the store looking vaguely amused.

i was tempted to go and talk to the protesters. i was even wearing my cbldf 'fight censorship' t-shirt under my sweater. and i know silence = death. but i was just feeling too cold and tired and lonely.

i walked home along the bay to try and get my spirits up. there was a fog over the water making it hard to see the nearby islands, let alone the manhattan skyline.

i may patronize the store with some friends later this week. i may talk to the protesters next week. when they reassemble. i may take comfort in the fact that occasionally only one voice would shout in response to the leader's call.

or i may just silently bemoan the loss of more freedom.

apathy is just so seductive sometimes.

I got turned down by two ex-girlfriends today.
I invited one to a soccer game this evening, and she said she'll "be busy all this week", which probably means that her boyfriend is in town from Raliegh and she doesn't need to interact with any human being other than him.
(Hell yes, I'm bitter.) The other one I wanted to hang out with tomorrow, but she's still trapped in high school so she has all sorts of prior entanglements.
So I guess I'll just ride my bike around in the new heat of a scorching southeastern spring tomorrow.

I wrote this today:


It's no use trying to turn tighten the skrew that is loose,
makes no difference to me,
political war or truce,
I'm only concerned with the truth,
temporal proof of divinity and grace,
I felt guilty like second place,
when searching for light brings less enlightenment than plight.


I don't know what to make of it, sometimes I look into my little notebook at the end of the day and think "Who took my pen from me and wrote that?" (or more accurately "Who jumped into my mind, and made it betray me by making my own hands to write that?").

I want to say congrats to Leacey (Diadrenni, and the -ex still in high school) for getting into Governors School, I hope you have a great time there.

Written in 11 AM Artificial Intelligence. As much of the original formatting as could be has been preserved -- imagine this right-aligned on my page of notes for the class. Didn't take many actual notes, just some causal rule examples and the fact that our project is due Friday...

<< <- ->

augh
why do
i bother?
has anyone
been reading
the book?
tiny little
letters small
words bad
spelling first
real day of
spring weather
seventy five
degrees hazy
bright sun
blue sky green
grass soft
brown earth
{push} my project partner
isnt even here
not that that
should suprise me
heck, when am i
ever here? its
been at least
{push} a week. it would
be nice if e2 would
give you a list of
the hard links with-
out writeups in
{pop} a given wu. nope
late arivals are not
my project partner.
normally i prefer
working alone on projects
but theresa is cute and
it was such serendipity
that we even became
associated -- they were handing
out these books in class and
we were supposed to use them
in groups (there were fever
books than people so we had
to share) and we both mentioned
that we didnt know anyone in
{push} the class -- christ which reminds
me that once again I missed
advance registration what frust-
ration the only real problem is frikkin
photo-1 its always every-section-full.
what a nightmare. wow i used to
care about this class ... shit i still
havent turned in that wu for cse 480
dammit i forgot it that first time, then
got it all finished except for one
question, so i waited to have time
to run the tests, and forgot about it
again and again at least i think i
did ok on the exam i never went back
to get my psych 111 exam big surprise guess
tomorrow evening i'll actually go to class and
get it. but everything in ai seems so
(page is turnd 180 degrees, left aligned to the first block)
alike and these people
next to me are chattering
constantly in a foriegn
language ever get the
feeling that such people think
other people cant hear them
if they speak another
{pop} language? so we took a
book together just cause
we were both such loosers
we'd never gotten to know
{push} anyone in the class argh
our teacher is so scatter-
brained -- 2nd year teaching
her rank last year was almost
the worst someone can get
they pass out at the end of
{pop} the semester. conveniently
enough we both put out names/email
addresses in the cover of the
book and she didnt need it (she
was stressing about her senior
design.) she stresses alot like
any good cse student but all i
know about her i learned from
her website which was cool but im
such a stalker ugh desparate but
only occasionally unhappy about being
alone occasional time such that id end
up in a group project just to meet someone
since i rarely get out on my own
though i did go out with some friends to
see memento a great movie go see it now
i dont care if you read the rest of this
or if you're naked who cares i drove of
course right at the beginning of the drive
twice i almost turned onto a one-way
the wrong way street but it was all
fine after that so i go out sometimes but
never to meet new people at least this useless
class is almost over and my hand hurts from
all this john-doe handwriting and its so nice
outside i want to go there cept all that
smelly bus car truck exhaust
and peat moss fertilizer shit
rotting smell college green is
still nice but its humid wow
it feels like its summer
already. I never write
like this what made me
start writing like this
who knows loneliness
sucks. having a messy
dorm room sucks. friends
are cool worrying about
all the crap i have to
do for class that i
ignored sucks. blah
blah blah bitch moan
whine cry boo hoo
get over it no one
cares of course thats
part of the problem
wow, so i thought
there was something
altruistic
(class ends.)

I cleaned my dorm room. Teresa actually asked how my interviews at Microsoft went. Arranged to meet that evening to work on project. That's what motivated the cleaning of my dorm room. But meeting was postponed.

Let's see, I noded Presidential Debate Humor, how to sound like a child, primitive vocabulary, and Lucian Freud this evening.

Gather 'round Miss Dee, kids. I've a story to tell.

When I was a little girl I wanted nothing more than to be an Astronaut. Not just any Astronaut, mind you, but the first female shuttle commander. Alas, I was beaten to it in 1998 by USAF Lt Col Eileen Collins before my time would have even arrived. In fifth and sixth grade I was part of the Junior Astronomer's Club. Begged my father to take me to see Halley's Comet in 1986. Cried when Challenger crashed on January 28th, 1986. Incidentally, that was also the year we had Hurricane Gloria, and shortly afterwards a few twisters actually set down in Queens. That was kinda neat. In 7th grade I was all about the space program. Did a career report on it in HomeEc after soliciting massive amounts of pamphlets and booklets and charts and all kinds of stuff from the educational programs at different NASA branches. In high school I joined Civil Air Patrol with plans to go into a military academy or the USAF. I went to Brooklyn Technical High School, and had a straight C average with the exception of college level Aeronautical Engineering courses that I took in my last two years. Those I had a fairly stable 99 average in. I was voted most intelligent in my major, kissed ass with the grossest teacher so I could play with the wind tunnel, even considered doing a Westinghouse Science Project. I eventually changed majors when I got to college because I knew I would have been miserable as an Engineer, and I'm still bouncing around.

Then there was me, behind the scenes. I had my share of abuse as a kid, and in my acting out over the years I can't even begin to count how many times I was nearly suspended. Chronic lateness, sex, theft, cutting school, sex, smoking, graffitti, sex, arson, drugs, harassment, violence, minor drinking (fortunately, there's a history of alcoholics in my family and there's too much of a stigma for me to let go and enjoy drinking at all), stealing all the midterm papers for a global history class (how the hell did I get away with that one?). I fucked up in most of my classes and pulled through with those last minute bullshit term papers that got me to pass. And because I'm a diplomat, I even managed to pull through with those C's. I spent half of those classes spaced out. Not even sleeping, not daydreaming, I just was *not* there. Hell, I even cut therapy. The only reason I ever showed up was because she let me draw, and because for group therapy she had meunster cheese, crackers, and crystal light. Oh, and another Chris and I used to always hang out and smoke beforehand and talk about boys and the other girls in the group. But the shrink kept us bribed good with ice creamand drawing and videos and even arranged for us to go to Vidal Sassoon one Christmas. Damn, my hair smelled great afterwards. :)

So, I picked up a few tricks. I learned what it would take to get by, and I learned how to manipulate situations. I learned how to charm, I learned how to plead.

I learned how to work with minds. And I also learned that I was empathic, so I learned how to get past emotional walls. There was one time I was face to face, a candle inbetween. This was actually the guy who dubbed me diablita, only because I called him angelito (which couldn't have been farther from the truth). Anyway, we started off staring into each others eyes. He started hinting at aspects of his story. He didn't have to say it all in words, for within minutes I was transported into his mind. I saw his hurts, I saw his childhood, I saw the wars (literally) he fought. It was a trip and a half, those images still sitting in my mind's eye today. He confirmed my visuals, which freaked the hell outta me. Perhaps that's one of the main reasons I'm scared of letting my walls down to develop the empath, Kate. Kinda like The Cell, ya know? I fear my wiring being damaged.

But I still feel it, I still read others, though misinterpreted sometimes due to a lack of development of skills on my part. My difficulty at this point stems from the fact that every emotional synapse becomes a two page logical calculus problem to me. OTOH, it's where I've needed to be. It's pretty much how I've managed to get through so much conflict in the past two years or so. I can prevent myself from getting lost in negative emotions for an extended period because my brain is always working, trying to rationalize and understand what's causing the emotions and problem solve my way out of it. The only time this fails me is when I get hit with one of my annual chemical drops and end up depressed for a few months. But ya know, it kinda humbles me. This year though, I realize it'll be much nicer to head it off than wallow in misery for a few months. I can find more productive things to do than sit around with a seemingly legitimate need to be stoned stupid for a month or two straight. I've found some other tools to help me cope.

And now that I've uncovered the mirrors, it's time to stop grieving. Walking into this year I wanted to find myself, to find my vibe. And I thought I needed to be by myself in order to do this. Then life handed me the founding members of my tribe. I still didn't understand myself, but then I was told by a little birdy that one of the best ways I was going to learn about myself was to see how other people respond to me, to see my reflection in their eyes. No sooner said than put into practice. And I saw love, compassion, strength, a practical idealism, childlike energy, unique creativity, dark sexuality, nurturing, adoration, intelligence, an interesting sense of humour, patience, understanding...sparkle, I shine, I intimidate, I intrigue....and I even have to laugh inside when the smart ass gets thrown back in my face by you, kitty cat.

Once again, I thought I knew what was best for me, I thought I had an inkling of who and what I was and wanted, and life decided to show me that I was almost entirely wrong through the people I met. And I can't do anything but smile at it, because that's the way I've become accustomed to doing business. I laugh and I smile my way through the hardest of times (well, most of the time, anyway...when I'm not overanalyzing and toying with the edge of insanity).

I'm fortunate to have a system of checks and balances set up with the people in my life. And I'm fortunate that they get along with each other, for the most part. But my tribe keeps me sane and silly, my tribe helps me grow. And I can only hope that my tribe will grow from their experiences with me and each other. I like to challenge, I like that we're all on our toes.

I used to have a long list of rules:

And the list goes on.

But Damn you, my loves...you're making me break MY OWN rules. You're challenging me to grow and take a look beyond my superficial tendencies more than anyone has ever been able to in my entire life. And I'm learning and loving so much, so fucking much. And the more I learn, the more challenges and hurts and setbacks I have, the more I bounce back with a vengence...and my heart and mind opens up a thousand times more. And this is without the drugs I've been craving all year. *smirk*

And you're right.
This is no ordinary love.
But I am nowhere near an ordinary woman.

Neither are you, dearheart.
Let's not kvetch.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, I sit in the dark, weary of the day just passed. With my melted slurpee beside the keyboard, and my body slouched over my chair, I type slowly to the natural rhythm of my thoughts. I don't even think about what I write about anymore, I just allow enough mental capacity to check for spelling.

Work was work and again, it drifted quickly when I didn't think about it but slowed to a crawl when I did.

Today was a good day actually. Spent the majority of the night with a lovely young maiden. Quality time I suppose. She was on the phone most of the time but I enjoyed the view. We were by a body of water, whether it was the Fraser River or the ocean, I don't know nor do I know how to distinguish them other than with the use of a globe. With the full moon out, the light from the water glimmered a slight yellow. It didn't reflect the moon properly, more like a wavy path. It was like a painting, and at the time, nothing seemed to matter. I didn't feel the cold, nor do I hear the talking in the background. Still in a daze, we leave to go to a playground.

From the swing set in which we sat at, I could still see the brightness of the moon. But it didn't have the majesty of the water, but the mysteriousness of the grassy field made up for it. We were there for a while, but she was on the phone for the majority of the time. I didn't mind. It seemed like she wasn't speaking. I phased out everything around me except the spectacular view and the slight sound that the breeze made when it grazed my ears. Then we speak for a while, about topics that were important to ourselves, not together but as individuals. We spoke for a while, but seemed like a short time to me. I blinked, and time passed. Then I brought her home.

It was MrFurious birthday I presume. It was after midnight after all. It was a nice day so far, so I thought that maybe it was nice for me to go say hi but his house was dark and no one answered. Thats okay. At least I tried. I sure as heck wouldn't break down the door and get his dog after me.

Then I come home. Back in the darkness. Back to my real home. It wasn't the place of concrete and stucco. Warm carpeted floors grazed my feet as I took my shoes off as I walked to my computer. I slowly placed my blanket over myself, one shoulder at a time. I blinked slowly, sat in my usual position, making sure that the computer chair didn't ruin the rug underneath. I slowly contemplate today's happenings when I get a phone call. Back to the drawing board. Headset on the ear, cell phone charging as we speak. The night is still young.

I sit here, pondering, whether why days like this didn't happen more often. I guess some people would attribute it to destiny or fate but I believe in neither. I might have at some point in time but not now. Its no longer a matter whether I'm worthy of such pleasant times or not. I no longer care. It doesn't matter anymore. As I always said, when it counted, small things make the difference. Too bad the little things come too late. I believe the term is "When it rains, it pours." I believe that to properly describe how it feels like right now to realize that I'm no longer feeling the "glow" of happiness, I have to refer to some literary classic. Simply put, John Milton said it best with the title of his book, as I feel like Paradise Lost. I bow out, and slink back into the crevasse which I have made my home for the past few weeks. Maybe then I'll understand why I shouldn't hope for the better.

Apparently, even though I think I am in the middle of integrating my wonderful, charming, adorable personalities, all 17 or so of them, my therapist disagrees.

I despise her.


I hate everyone. And everything.

Give me a beer dammit!


Anyway, as I was saying, it seems as though although the walls are gone, the parts remain. Which would explain the chaos, inability to focus for longer than ten minutes on anything, and intense reactions to everything that happens around me, good and bad.

I don't lose time any more. I am functional at work. I can make love now without wigging out, start to finish.

And as far as hating everyone - I hate myself more than anyone else.

There isn't anything I want more than for this to be over. But I haven't even begun, that's what she is telling me. I thought I saw a light and instead I am seeing murk.

Whatever. What the hell does she know anyway???

I feel as incoherent as ever. I've already lost a friend to this (I suspect) as I can't stand talking to her about anything real that is about me. She feels false and fake and phony, even though she's the same person she was a few months ago.

It is all rather overwhelming right now. At least I went to the health club last night and rode a bike. The teacher didn't bother showing up for the class. I am going back tonight, even though all my shorts are dirty. My altruistic plans for tonight got cancelled, so I can do some things for myself.

At least one good thing is happening - my boss is out of town this month. So naturally I am now swamped with problems, but at least I get to do stuff without having to check with him first (which means he tries to control it or take it over).

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