Why it hurts so much to be lonely
it makes you feel like there's something wrong with you,
something beyond your control or outside your knowledge that makes people not want to be around you,
makes people not like you,
this idea challenges what we are and questions who we think we are,
when you have someone, you have someone who you know loves you and cares for you and will be there when you need them,
when you don't, there is a void,
you think constantly that, if you needed someone,
there would be no one there
You can't get used to the pain
The pain is in the void, the lack of something
The void doesn't go away unless it is filled
It is only less painful if you ignore it, and then it is moreso when you realize it again

Loneliness. It's true that there is no rational reason for it to exist, but yet, there it remains - still a massive figure in the human psyche. It exists because the world is not rational. At least, it's not from a human perspective, but perhaps from a grander view, loneliness is a sad but hopeful concept that exists to show that humans are still capable of love.

Mulling over this, I sit indian-style in a rocking chair (my personal choice of office chairs). I haven't seen my friends in a few days. I'm procrastinating on yet another attempt to write a scholarship essay (I haven't won one yet) on a Saturday night. I'm staring at the computer monitor all glassy-eyed and confused.

Yet, I am not lonely. Not now.

Feeling lonely does not necessarily mean one has to be physically alone, although it can to a certain degree. It's just that no one else seems to understand. No one seems to care. No one seems to know. No one seems to cherish what you do.

As a child, I was often let alone in the house. The buzzing quiet of the air seemed as loud as a fire drill. I thus plunged into an imaginary world I built in the books I read. I wasn't lonely.

But when I am lonely, I always feel self-indulgent knowing that logically, there is always some one to talk to. I look at the phone and realize that I can press those plastic numbers with my fingers to make a human voice blare into my ear, but I can't. I just can't.

When I was struck with a two-year bout of unrequited love, I could never tell anybody about it. I knew my best friend would understand and empathize, but I felt too stupid. I felt like a sad, ugly teenager in frumpy clothing who was much too silly and obsessive for anyone to care.

That's the problem with loneliness. It makes you feel vulnerable. It makes you feel like other people shouldn't have to bother with your petty problems. It makes you feel too insignificant for words or for action. It lingers in you, recalling all those other times of emotional solitude.

Some choose a nice case of beer to assist with such a problem. Some choose to immerse themselves in their academia. I usually end up in my bed, with Yo La Tengo's "Stockholm Syndrome" on repeat, feeling either numb or crying. If and when pain comes, I relish it. It makes me feel like I am a human afterall - not this pile of useless bones that everyone seems to ignore.

But there's a silver lining to all this. I am sad that they were deeply disturbed with pain, but books such as Hermann Hesse's Steppenwolf and Gabriel Garcia Marquez's One Hundred Years of Solitude are deeply seeded with the pain of loneliness. In music, there are Radiohead, Joni Mitchell, and the Smiths. The list goes and on. Loneliness can be a form of inspiration, conducing a swirl of beauty to appear.

Loneliness permeates everything that exists in life.

When you are truly lonely it feels like there is no one in the world that is on the same plane as you.  There are other people in the world that are lonely and depressed, of course, but they will be the first to tell you that its not the same for anyone, we all suffer on our own

I feel it all the time.

Loneliness leaves you feeling nothing but emptiness, completely insatiable; no amount of money, big screen TVs, expensive cars or amazing jobs can make up for the black hole that is your loneliness... swallowing up everything that you try to counter it with

What's worse, when you're truly, truly lonely, is that nothing really matters.  Why even live if you're forced to live in solidarity, isolation.  What good is anything you do or accomplish if there is no one to share it with?  What's the difference?

Nothing matters.  Just filling the void.  It's remarkable how everything else in life gets the volume turned down; how the absense of one person, whom you may not even ever find, can set you into a downward spiral of depression and pain.

But you push on, because... honestly, what else are you suppose to do?  You go to school, you go to work, you do whatever you have to.  If you're like me, you put on a face for the world, one that few people, if anyone, has ever seen past.  You smile and joke, talk about the weather, the upcoming weekend and newest piece of techno-shit to become available.

But to you, none of it matters at all.  You are among the best actors in the world.  You wear a smile on your face because you know that no one is going to understand.

"It happens to everyone," "It's not that bad," "Don't worry, you're going to be just fine."

Well, thank God you think so.  I'm sure you're up at night, losing sleep worrying about me...

This is why we suffer silently.  Loneliness, real loneliness, is not something that comes and goes in a night.  It's built up, sometimes over years, and cannot be explained as just, "I'm lonely."  To express the way it feels, the way it affects every aspect of your life, is near impossible, even to the closest people in your life.

How do you make another person feel the bitter hopelessness that loneliness brings?  If I could, I don't even think I would want to.  Knowing the pain and desperation that comes with it, I would never wish this kind of hell on anyone.

Some say that loneliness is inspirational... I'm sure it has inspired more than a few people to take their own life; and honestly, sometimes I think it would be better not to be alive at all than to go through despair at every moment of the day.  But that would be a coward's way out.  I won't let loneliness win.

But it seems like it's about that time again.  Time to put that smile back on and pretend that life is beautiful.  Back to the regular grind with that faint hope, deep down in your soul, that prays fervently that today will be that day; the day that you meet that someone who will flip your world upside down and it will be the best day of your thus-far miserable life.

But until that day I will sit here waiting, praying and trying everything I can to find her.  And each night the sun sinks below the horizon that I'm still lonely my heart feels like it sinks a little bit lower into my body and everthing else fades to black.

I guess I'll have to try a little harder

It felt like darkness, the sense of being alone in that dark tiny and sofocating room without any help, without being able to make a move, tied to that uncomfortable bed and resisiting the pain, the sense when you feel surrounded by many people and yet feeling alone, when you most need a friend and no one is available, only a stranger you met 2 weeks before by IM,

you wanna cry, you need to cry but no tears come out, people come to see you, ask how you are, pretending to care and be interesting in you, but where they were the day before?? the give you love but that doesnt fill the emptiness.
next day you go to work like anything happened, they just laugh at you and you try to smile but inside you are burning and screaming for help, but of course, no one listens,
sucks, your life sucks, you wanna explode, I wanna explode, and send everyone to hell, their happiness, their joy, I wish I´d feel a lil bit happy as they are,
It sometimes feels like they are hearing me but they wont listen
and after that mental illness I got physically sick, I dont wanna eat, meals make me wanna puke, and my tummy hurts, a lot, it feels like a knot in my stomach, how can i feel this? backwards I was always eating, it was one of the greatest things in my life, feel the taste of every meal in my mouth, sweet, sour, hot and cold, snacks i used to love snacks.....but now the simple fact of imagine it is disgusting.

so I came back hometown, I wanna feel the real love, family love, my mom hugging me, my daddy caring by me..... and my friends? they think Im overreacting, that my depresion is only a word but not a fact (even when I tell them before that I wish to die) so, I got even more sick and I dont really know what to do. I realy want to come back home but I feel like I dont belong here anymore, everyone has made his life and I am being left alone..it sucks, I dont belong here and I dont belong there, so what can I do? If I go back to where I live I feel that I might go back to that dark, empty and sofocating room when it all starts, I wish I never had been there, wat I thought was a good and easy decision was the worst.

It feels like everything is going so fast and I´m in slow motion,
I think i wanna die, disappear, be erased from the map, vanished, I dont know what to do, the only thing I know is that Im still in pain.
I love my mom most in the world i do love her. I hope she could fix my life and be her baby again.
Wish me luck

Lone"li*ness (?), n.

1.

The condition of being lonely; solitude; seclusion.

2.

The state of being unfrequented by human beings; as, the loneliness of a road.

3.

Love of retirement; disposition to solitude.

I see The mystery of your loneliness. Shak.

4.

A feeling of depression resulting from being alone.

Syn. -- Solitude; seclusion. See Solitude.

 

© Webster 1913.

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